Is this emotional abuse?

Do you do this to everyone else? Do you do it to your boss?

What happens if he doesn't respond to your why or gives an answer you don't agree with?

Actually I’ll go against the grain and say if it has been like this for long then it is abusive. He’s asked you not to do it. It’s tantamount to him being asked to justify himself all the time and explain his actions. It becomes abuse by repetition. Horrible and unfair behaviour OP. You have to stop it!

Verbally replying to someone is not a reflex action.

Just stop saying it. Problem solved.

Come on OP, it isn’t difficult

If he's asked you to stop and you keep doing it, even though you know he doesn't like it, then yeah, it's abusive.

If you're doing it in front of people so he's constantly being put on the spot, that would be really stressful. Also if he's asked you to stop and you haven't.

Practice a new reflex if you need to, like okay, thanks, and be sure to stop doing this.

I don’t know about the label but dh did used to do this and it does make it sound like you can’t allow him to make simple decisions really!

To begin with, just annoying. After a while I think it could be considered abusive- you know how much it bothers him and yet you persist in doing it.

You need to start taking accountability for yourself. Saying it’s just a reflex is a cop out.

Do you do this to anyone else?

How is it a reflex action? You need to think more before you speak and stop doing it. He’s told you he doesn’t like it and now he’s told you he feels it’s abusive. You really need to stop.

This kind of behavior can absolutely feel like a form of emotional abuse because it puts the other person in a constant state of defensiveness or frustration. Even if that’s not your intent, it can feel controlling and undermining. If the roles were reversed and a woman was being questioned this way—why she bought something, why she needed something, or why she was doing something—a whole list of issues would immediately come up: financial control, emotional control, micromanagement, and even manipulation. The same apply here...

No. I don’t think it’s abuse. Irritating though. He should just find some stock answers like;

’Z’
’just because’
’Youve just asked my why, did you mean to?’
’Why do you want to know’

It will come across as needing to know every little nuance and thought he has, like every decision he makes in his head has to be explained to you.
It's cloying.

This would drive me absolutely mad. Like your DH, I wouldn't be able to relax. I'd feel like I was constantly being interrogated. You really, really need to stop.

Why doesn't someone want extra sauce? What would be the sensible response to that. Honestly? It's not even a reasonable question that has an answer.
As for shoes, you need to clarify why would anyone buy a pair of shoes? Are you joking?

I'm not surprised he finds it annoying. It's not abuse though!

This. It's overbearing and smothering. You don't need to know why.

He doesn’t need to justify the “why” to you.

If my DH kept incessantly grilling me on “why” this/that, I would think he was a fucking weirdo.

Hi op,
on the surface it sounds annoying opposed to abusive but how do you react when he replies?
eg if he tells you he has something new, do you start eye rolling or huffing and puffing?
I know people who do similar things and get a bit jealous about people having new things etc?
I’ve a pal who asks if everything I own is new, clothes I’ve had for over 20 years she’ll just ask if they’re new for conversion but seems irritated by whatever response she gets. I think if she were my partner not my pal I’d find her reaction of being irked regardless the reply as bordering on abusive. It’s like she wants a reason to get herself wound up. Needless to say, I barely see her these days.
Hopefully you’ll be able to discuss it with him properly but as someone else who finds constant questions quite a struggle to deal with, make the effort to stop this.

I think it depends on how he takes the meaning of the question. If he feels like he constantly needs to give a reason for his choices then I can see why he might see it as abusive, to me it could come across as controlling. He has told you he finds it irritating and you have continued to do it, maybe you need to make more of an effort to stop questioning him.

Me too

My ex used to ask me why, mostly with sex, and it got to the point that I stopped saying it, because I felt like I had to justify everything, instead of my no being accepted.
I’m not commenting on whether or not it’s abuse, but he’s telling you something, and you’re still questioning it, instead of accepting what he’s saying.

Abusive, probably not. Annoying, incredibly! Like a toddler asking why when it doesn't make sense to ask why.

You’re asking him why he doesn’t want extra sauce? Does he need to have a reason, does he need to share that reason with you? I agree asking why is more annoying than abusive. Continuing to do something you know is annoying when he’s asked you to stop is heading towards abusive.

I don't know why I ask, a force of habit, and he has told me before that he finds these questions annoying but yesterday was the first time he accused me of being abusive.

The asking why is not abusive but continuing to do something after he has told you that he doesn’t like it/it’s annoying is starting to go down the path where it could end up being abusive

The sauce/food issue is an interesting one. My abusive Ex was keen for me to eat what he thought I should eat, including things I’d always disliked. Constant commentary on how I liked my tea, ‘hiding’ food in dishes he made.

These two examples seem fairly innocuous but depends on whether or not it’s part of a much bigger picture.