Is this emotional abuse?

By itself, it's irritating rather than abusive. BUT, if someone told me their partner questions every single decision they make, even the small ones like adding sauce to their food, my antenna would be up because this leve of questioning absiolutely suggests that you believe he has to justify every decision he makes. It would tip over into abuse if the answer he gives is not to your liking and you question/argue or even punish him for it.

eg
"Do you want some extra sauce?" "No." "Why?" "Because I'm happy with what I have on my plate" "But I worked hard to make this sauce and now it's going to be wasted? Why do I even bother".

"What did you buy?" "New shoes." "Why?" "Because my old ones were getting a bit tatty". "But what if we needed that money for something else?"

I'm interested in how long this gas been going AND whether you do it to other people, OP.

And it would annoy the living shite out of me.

You sound like hard work. Sorry Op but I think you should take some chill pills

You need to learn to communicate and converse better. If his response was 'new shoes' then a follow on response would be something like "oh lovely, can I see?", or "mmm nice, what are they like?" You shouldn't be questioning his response with a 'why'. That's really annoying and if you do it all the time I'd personally be thinking you're not engaging in the conversation fully, because you're not offering a connective response, just parroting 'why?'

So it's overbearing and controlling behavior but not abuse?

OP - IMO the fact he's asked you to stop and you have continued means this crosses the line into abuse. I'm another one that thinks some therapy might be beneficial

I don’t understand why someone would ask why someone didn’t want more sauce? How does one articulate why they don’t want it?!

Yes, this is possibly abusive, however the context isn't really there for anyone to definitively say it is or isn't.

Do you do it every time?
Do you do it to others?
How do you react when he gives you an answer to why?
How is the rest of your relationship?

The questioning needs to stop either way.

I doubt you don't know you're doing it. That sounds suspicious to me. Sounds like an excuse.

OP just go and apologise to him, explain its an annoying habit you are going to try to break. Tell him to not reply when you ask why and you will not be annoyed and will apologise each time until you stop doing it.

Asking him 'why' all the time suggests that you feel you are in charge of him and have a right to assess his decisions. It's just not normal to ask 'why' when someone does something that doesn't affect you like decline sauce or buy shoes. You need to really do some proper soul searching to understand why you do this and you need to stop doing it. It's infantilising and fucking annoying. The fact that you keep doing it even when asked not to, and the fact that you try to suggest you are not in control of it, although not abuse on their own, could, when taken together with other things, contribute to a picture of you needing to be in control. Who in your life used to do this?

@Pieomyy it's not abusive, but it's certainly the role of an overbearing controlling mother, and not that of a wife/partner!!!

Do you ask him if he wiped his bum too when he goes to the toilet???

Perhaps you need to think about how it would make you feel if someone constantly asked you WHY you did basic things and having to justify your every move.

So OP do you ask everyone or just him?

He feels like he's being asked to justify everything - what he eats, what he spends, what he does

If you do it with everyone it's annoying not abusive.

If you do it solely to him and he's constantly feeling like he has to justify himself then his feelings are valid and it is abusive.

It makes you sound quite childish and unintelligent.

i would find it irritating- particularly from someone I spend a lot of time with.

i would be too annoyed to answer the question every time and i think I would start to avoid being around you.

work on stopping it - do you do this with other people - friends and work colleagues?

Wouldn’t say it’s emotional abuse but it’s bloody annoying. You are aware of it so stop doing it going forward.

I think I would get very irritated by that tbh. However it's not abusive. Did you ask him why he thought it was abusive? Sorry, couldn't resist.

So stop.

Totally agree
It's belittling and undermining
Asking an adult to explain all their decisions to you
Awful behaviour

The definition of emotional abuse.....

Emotional abuse is when someone repeatedly tries to make another person feel bad or doubt themselves.

I can see where your DH is coming from. If my DH was constantly asking why I'd find it weird, annoying and controlling.

I think it is abusive and controlling.

Do you realise how stupid you sound claiming you have no control over what you’re saying?

Maybe engage your brain before opening your mouth?

What do you mean, you don’t realise you’re doing it? How are you speaking without knowing what you’re saying?

If you’re seriously this lacking in self awareness it’s time for some therapy.

@Pieomyy

Now that you have realised how will you stop?

Can you find some technique that you use every time when it happens and before you respond? There used to be a simple trick with a thick rubber band on your wrist that you "twanged" rather than reply ...

It’s clearly got to the point where yes, it seems abusive, because he is in a constant state of being questioned and asking to justify every single simple decision in his life and feeling like he’s constantly interrogated and on edge.
You KNOW you are doing it, just bloody stop it!! What exactly are you expecting of him? Do you want sauce? No thanks… that is a full answer. Asking him why after that doesn’t even make sense apart from anything else.
He must be exhausted by it

Good point. I bet you don't ask your colleagues or friends, "why?" all the time. It's none of your business, they'd get cross with you if you did and you know this.
You ought to think about why you feel entitled to do it to your dh.

Agree I’d hate this