Is this emotional abuse?

You sound fucking strange and I would have ended the friendship/relationship when you first started this bizarre way of relating, if I knew you.

Now he’s raised it with you, and you’re now aware, just catch yourself saying it and own the strangeness ‘actually don’t answer that, I’ve done it again’ etc.

Someone constantly asking me why would drive me nuts.

Patronising someone is another way of abusing them, you keep giving new examples of abusive behavior and saying it's not abuse.

Imagine someone asking if they were being abused and the responses being "No, you partner is controlling and overbearing while patronising you and treating you like a child but it's not abuse"

She's boiling the kettle and pouring the water over teabags, why are people so quick to label it making tea?

That's my thought. You are aware enough to be asking the question. Maybe pause and think before speaking next time?

It isn't abuse though, just quite annoying..especially with the sauce😁

@VickyEadieofThigh this could be a long shot but did you grow up in Hampshire and have you got an older sister? I used to be a good friend of your sister's if this is true so I hope I'm right. A real shame if I've put 2 and 2 together and got to 5.

My mother behaves like this and I would say if you do it all the time it is abusive.

Asking "why" is very controlling - it indicates that he has to justify his reason (for what you described as very simple, every day interactions that really don't need justifying) and that you will judge his response.
It also demeans him by treating him like a child.

Actually, if you don't know why you do it but describe it as a reflex action, I wonder if this is a pattern of behaviour you've seen between your own parents?

It doesn't matter if it is or isn't. It's irritating him enough that he's said it feels like it is. You're going to have to make more of an effort to knock it off.

My husband does this thing where he wants to turn every single thing into a debate. I used to fall for it and end up googling examples of my point but now I tell him to knock it off when he forgets himself.

Like ordering curry. I like some for next day but I don't trust reheated rice, there are proved reasons that you have to be careful reheating rice so I just make my own the next day. It's not a big deal

But saying that to him turns into a 5 minute conversation of if rice wasn't safe to reheat then why do they sell microwave rice. He wants me to explain completely why you don't reheat rice and why can you get it in microwave form.

I did end up raising my voice at that one because who gives a fuck if I want fresh rice or not?

If you also do this to everyone else, I can guarantee that people swerve you.

I overheard a toddler responding "why?" to everything that was said to him.

It was bloody irritating, and I only had to endure it for 20 minutes.

If I were him I'd LTB if it didn't stop.

You sound extremely annoying, op.

On the surface it doesn't appear abusive, but if you've had years of being constantly annoyed by the utter stupidity of it I can imagine why it feels that way - the poor man must be permanently tense waiting for the next pointless 'Why' as it's clearly driving him up the wall.

The OP is not abusing their partner. They are patronising them.

Why is everyone so quick to label abuse?

Does this mean you do the same with everyone ?

He sounds like a drama queen, it's not emotional abuse, annoying maybe, but not abuse.

Whilst it seems a trivial question he must feel monitored and can’t do anything without being questioned ,explain himself and have to justify it ,it must be suffocating
so yes I would see it as emotional abuse and manipulative

tbh if I were him I would just ignore the question

That would enrage me, and it's just weird. Doubly weird that you say you don't know why you say it and you don't even realise you're saying it.

Question someone's choices constantly puts them on edge. If someone questioned everything I did I would feel like I'm walking on eggshells.
Why shouldn't he buy new shoes? by asking why he has brought them you will make him feel defensive as if he has to explain every purchase or decision. Doing it to someone constantly could make them doubt every decision they make.

But this isn't a parent child relationship, if she's infantillising him that's a form of abuse

Tell him to start responding to your irritating “whys” with his best rendition of Billie Piper’s 1998 breakout hit - “Because I want to”

You’ll soon stop, I’m sure.

I wouldn’t say it is in itself emotional abuse however it would be more than just irritating to have every single minute decision questioned. Why do you think he got new shoes?? It’s important to recognise for yourself that this behaviour must be incredibly grating and communicate to him that you are going to make an effort to stop

No, this is 100% inaccurate and is why I believe so so many people (mostly women) land up in abusive relationships. This idea that the abusers is evil, that they are 100% conscious of what they are doing and, in fact, plan it makes it very difficult for people to accept that abuse is happening - "but he really loves me, I know he does" etc.

eg the man or woman who is deeply deeply insecure and land up being controlling as a result - insisiting on constant proof that their partner is not cheating, constant reassurance of love etc. That is abuse. The fact that they're not doing it on purpose is irrelevant.

It isn't abusive because you aren't doing it deliberately, but it would be extremely annoying. He's already told you, yet you thoughtlessly continue to say it.

You need to stop doing it.

"Why?"

Because I said so.

Ask yourself why.
Have some self awareness and reflect on what could be underlying this reflex.
Then dig further until you get to the core belief which is usually some fear or anxiety.

Or just stop doing it.
But if you have an underlying insecurity or worry it will come out in another way.

And I'm wondering if that's what your dh picking up on, he feels there's something underlying what you think is a simple question, but he feels it to be an accusation, insecurity etc

I make it quite clear as in parent-child relationship "controlling" e.g. parent tells child what to do or asks what child is doing. Parents are supposed to control their kids. The OP is treating their partner like a child.

I think it depends on the wider context of the relationship. If you are also the poster that doesn't like your DH asking if you had a nice day for example, then the bigger picture may be that you are difficult to live with, possibly pretty controlling and possibly pretty critical.

If on the other hand, he simply found offense at these two questions and the rest of the time you show you care about him, respect his choices and wishes, and the two of you are equal partners in a loving relationship then no, it's not abuse just silly questions