Is this emotional abuse?

Start bloody thinking, then. It’s not hard for most people.

It sounds exhausting and undermining, like you don't trust him to know his own mind. He doesn't owe you an explanation for every little thing. "I don't realise I'm doing it" is bollocks.

Why do you keep doing it when you know it pisses him off?

I do think that could be counted as abusive, tbh.

I imagine he'd describe it differently. My partners questions my every choice, big or small. I can't make a decision without them demanding an explanation- even whether I want bloody sauce or not. I've asked repeatedly for them not to do this to me but they think I'm being dramatic and don't see the big deal. I'm the only person they do this to, they don't question other friends or family just me.

Disrespectful nonsense.

Wwll you know he hates it, so can you stop doing it?

You sound exhausting. 🤷‍♀️

This behaviour is so lacking in self awareness and respect that I can see why it feels abusive. It can’t be like talking to another adult at all. You need to find a way to have proper conversations!

Hmm, let's slightly change your last paragraph.

A husband knows that it's wrong to hit his wife, but he doesn't seem able to stop. He is going to try though.

That would be ok by your rationale?

She knows that her dp is annoyed by her behaviour, but she doesn't seem able to stop
Unless she has some very peculiar form of Tourette’s, of course she’s able to stop.

@blacksax until she confirms whether she does this with everyone else in her life or not, you have no idea whether it's deliberate or not.

Well we shall have to agree to disagree then.

If someone's unintentional behaviour upsets their partner, they are told about it and change their ways, then it isn't abuse. If someone is told that their behaviour upsets their partner and they keep deliberately doing it on purpose, then that is abusive.

Neither of which apply to the OP. She knows that her dp is annoyed by her behaviour, but she doesn't seem able to stop. She is going to try though.

The question "why?" Is judgemental - it gives you a platform to then judge his response (re extra sauce/new shoes etc) as either a good or bad decision ie one you agree with or not. So I wouldn't call it abusive but certainly judgemental and highly charged as critical.... definitely tedious and exhausting and if you've been called out on it I'd suggest your DH has had enough and those around you are no doubt suffering the same way from your "reflex"

This is an alternative explanation to the main one other posters are discussing. It may not be about control and judging him and interrogating his decisions and treating him like a child.

Instead, the OP is like a child asking "Why?" and putting him in the position of a parent.
When a young child asks "why?", they are doing it to continue the conversation - it is a way to keep the adult talking to them, to keep attention. They don't have other skills to continue a conversation.

OP - does he give you enough attention? Does he talk to you very little? Do you need more conversation from him?
If so, learn a few other ways to converse and stop asking "Why?"

But why? See it’s annoying

If anyone doesn’t want extra sauce, you don’t bloody need to ask why. It’s followed by Ok.

Shoes, could possibly be a why if he already has shoes and don’t have money but seriously though. Stop with the why

Bette Midler fan, is she?

Constantly questioning his choices could be perceived as being belittling.

Not emotional abuse but like others said that would drive me insane someone asking why constantly, I wouldn't want to be around them either or be able to relax. No need to ask why he bought a pair if shoes or why he doesn't want sauce...

@VickyEadieofThigh , not to worry. It's just that your username is almost identical to my friend's sister. I thought I could be barking up the wrong tree. Hey-ho. Not to worry.

Exactly this. It doesn’t even make sense to ask why he didn’t want sauce in the first example - what on earth were you going to do with any answer he gave you?

If you’re continuing with behaviour he’s asked you to stop then I can see why he perceives that as abusive.

Can't think what I've said that leads you to that conclusion. I have no sisters and grew up in Yorkshire!

I feel like if a woman came on here saying her dh questions every minor decision she makes, down to food choices and purchases, even though she’s asked him to stop, people would rightly think it was controlling and abusive.

No is a complete sentence.
Why do you need to know the who, what and why’s to absolutely everything?

I wouldn't say it's abuse based on that alone, however it would be grounds for me to leave if I was constantly questioned why I did something. Sorry OP, but you sound incredibly annoying. Telling you to drop it once should be enough, I wouldn't be able to put up with "why?" all the time, it's annoying enough from my toddlers but I understand it's normal for them - not an adult!