New bf, Xmas disappointment

A filthy, slovenly tightarse. How do you resist?

I don't like the sound of him at all. I wouldn't be impressed with the weekend away grand gestures, I'd be more concerned about the filthy house, unwrapped gift and not being dressed to impress when I arrived on Christmas Day. What an anticlimax! And no food?! No treats?! Nothing but a frying pan. It's a very hard nope from me.

Would you ever treat anybody the way he's just treated you op? Anybody at all?

So hypothetically- you've got a health visitor coming round and she needs to see your paperwork. Would you have the house in a complete tip, be asleep when she arrived and not have your paperwork ready?

I'm going to guess you wouldn't. You wouldn't even treat a stranger how he's just treated you.

So why do think it's acceptable that you're treated like this? Why not place more value on yourself?

With regards to how he's been generous in the past, that's lovely, but absolutely standard for the start of a relationship.

Please raise your bar op, you're worth so much more.

I would throw this one back! I wouldn’t be going out with someone that had bought me a frying pan for my Xmas present and also not even bothered to wrap it!!!!

At the very least I would make sure that my next gift to him matches the energy of the frying pan.
And don't put yourself out for him any more than he does for you.
In other words match his energy at every turn!

Well he got her a frying pan but it’s hardly the gift of the century 😂 I can’t imagine why a guy in a new relationship would think “I know let’s get my gf of 7 months a frying pan”! Fair enough op said she needed a frying pan but it’s obviously not much thought went into it on his part.

@Journeyjunkie

Don't be swayed by 1 previous 'nice' gift/gesture. It's easy for him to keep playing on that as he knows it impressed you at the time - that's why he quickly mentioned it again now - an empty promise of another trip is NOT good enough! If it was tickets, an itinerary, a hotel confirmation, etc, then fair enough....but it's not...it's a panicked comment because he's got you f@ck all.

Yes op he's also getting the benefit from these trips away and probably going to places he wants to go. Please don’t see this as some sort of romantic gesture when he acted like the most unromantic slob ever on Xmas day.

He’s shown you how he feels about giving your Xmas present to you - he couldn’t be bothered to wrap it/ buy sellotape. He couldn’t be arsed to be fully awake and have the house ready.

Can't believe you're even asking. Why are you wasting time on this guy.

The texting is normal - most couples do this if they live apart.

The paying for stuff is somewhat ambiguous - is it so he can control what happens? Or is it truly borne out of wanting to do nice things?

Was your birthday trip something that benefitted you as well? Or was it something that he chose and organised because he liked it?

I’m trying to get to the nub of whether you need a conversation around expectations as he’s basically decent, or if he’s selfish and thoughtless when he’s not directly benefitting.

Very easy to have nice plans when you’re included in them. Very different when it’s just for a partner.

Apart from paying for most things when you're out, which is generous. All of the other things on the list are pretty standard IMO.

Oh come on OP, why are you selling yourself short? He cant be arsed to make any effort, gave you a shit (and slightly insulting) present, and only wants to spend money and effort on stuff he himself would benefit from.

It really boils my blood. Why are you allowing yourself to be treated as easy, cheap, and unappreciated?

I'd have whacked him over the head with his frying pan!! That's a life necessity, not a gift.
Obviously I wouldn't really have hit him with it, but the sentiment would be there!
He us seriously low effort and you clearly deserve better.

If this is your first Christmas together, he should be pulling out the stops. Yet you go over to an unwrapped present and a dirty house. Not a good indication of things to come.

If you don't dump him, then you think this is what you deserve.

Life can be short and you only get one go at it.

Make your choice.

Haha ha! Absolutely THIS!

He’s not interested in making any effort to make you feel special, he can’t be arsed to think of presents that you would love, going out to the shop for sellotape, tidying the house so it’s nice when you come over is too much work for Him. He is only interested when He gets treated and you make the effort, it’s a one way street and you need to ditch him. It’s a new relationship and he’s showing you early on who he is!
In the future he will be the type that will be sitting up the table in his pants, shouting at his wife because she is too lazy to make his cup of tea, it’s 10.30 a.m, he’s just got up after being out all night with his mates drinking. His poor wife who has been up all night with a toddler with D&V and a newborn who needs breastfeeding every hour, can hardly see the kettle through her sleep deprived eyes quickly makes him a cuppa hoping he doesn’t demand a full English as he will expect her to leave the baby screaming in hunger in her cot whilst she cooks for him and god forbid his egg yoke are overcooked!

My ex was like this, he would even buy me flowers and little "treats" with my own money (with change out of what I'd send him to the shop with), I never made it to Christmas. However i unfortunately ended up with a lifetime DNA attachment to him. I wouldn't change having DD but it pains me that this is the type of father she is stuck with. DD has never met him or his family nor has she even recieved a card, acknowledgement or anything.

Please don't be me! It really doesn't get any better and they certainly don't change. I've learned if this is how they treat you early on, in a time when they are supposed to woo you, then it really isn't worth your time or money.

He didnt clean up, didnt wrap your present, fell asleep, and "made HIMSELF" some pasta for Christmas Day?

Bloody hell OP- listen to yourself. He's a lazy dickhead. I am not suggesting he put bunting down the entire street but this is a whole new level of cant be arsed that is mind blowing.

Bin him. It will only get worse.

Cards and presents wouldn’t bother me as much as the house being grungy. He’s either a lazy slob or doesn’t think you’re worth the effort (presuming he’s not unwell, which sounds like not the case).

My mum said yesterday that coming to my house was like being wrapped in a big cuddle. Made all my efforts worthwhile.

In the bin with him. They gift you how they see you. Jesus sounds like a waster

This! ⬆️ I'd be furious!! Get rid of him now unless you're happy to sign up for a future of this shitty effort & feeling disappointed ALL the time!

Totally agree with this. OP- you seem very caught up in the idea of weekends away/holidays but thats not every day life is it? him being lazy and uncaring the rest of the time isnt going to suddenly be ok because you have been on a few weekend breaks together.

He couldn't even be bothered to wrap your present or clean up a bit before you arrived and it's your first Christmas together! If his level of effort and care is so appallingly low now, what will it be like in 5 or 10 years time? This is a huge red flag- dont ignore it or in 10 years time you will be looking back on this moment and thinking WTF did I stay?