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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop looking after my SIL"s kids at family gatherings?

168 replies

Beachcomber · 27/12/2024 07:25

SIL and BIL have 2 boys, 4yo and 6yo. When they are with family they seem to think that it is some sort of break for them and that naturally their kids will be looked after by.... someone. They don't seem to care who. It's been like this since they were born.

This often falls to my MIL Often DH, me and my young adult kids will do it in order to give MIL a break or let her get on with cooking a meal for 15 people.

I hate it. Not because I mind looking after the kids but because I feel like I'm enabling something that is wrong. The parents always make sure they are sitting at the other end of the table to their kids and then ignore them. My 18 yo DD had to pull a large piece of parma ham out of the 4yp"s mouth at one point as he was starting to choke on it.
I had to intercept both kids being handed a large bowl of soup that had literally just been taken off the boil.
And we spend the entire meal cutting up their food (otherwise they stuff huge bits in their mouths), reminding them to chew, stopping them from eating ridiculous amounts, etc, etc.

We also played a lot with them and took them out for walks, took the little one to the toilet, etc.

The older child is also quite violent towards his little brother. At one point I had to intervene as he had his brother in a headlock and was choking him. It was really bad. The little one was choking and coughing and obviously frightened. I pointed out to their mum what had happened and she ineffectively made noises about Santa taking presents back. Older child laughed in her face and retorted that Santa doesn't exist. Nothing was done to explain to the child how dangerous / unacceptable it is to choke someone.

We will be having another big family meal this week and I've had enough of participating in allowing SIL and BIL to neglect their turbulent and obviously troubled kids.

I don't want to do it anymore. Or certainly not without saying something. Obviously I wouldn't leave a child to choke to make a point. But I think at the very least we should say something. MIL will try to stop me though (she massively enables all this).

I know I will create tension and my PILs will have a go at me but at the next family meal I want to decline for my and my kids to be placed at the table near my nephews and point out that we looked after them all over Christmas so perhaps their parents should parent them.

I know it probably won't make any difference and DH doesn't want me to do it for that reason. AIBU for doing it anyway?

OP posts:

Original poster

Beachcomber · 27/12/2024 08:50

HopelesslyOptimistic · 27/12/2024 08:33

If they behave like that in front of 16 people I dread to think how they treat those two young little ones. I felt very sad for the children reading this. Keep being kind to them and I would definitely keep an eye out for any further neglect from these two vile parents. The little 4 year old was scared and ignored, how very sad.

Yes. You are absolutely right.

This is one of the reasons that we do what we do. The children are neglected in some ways. But not in others. The parents do feed them, dress them, take them to school, etc.

Family members step in and do things for this reason though.

MIL potty trained both kids when she had them for the summer for example because the parents just kept putting them in nappies and it was starting to be an issue for school.

We feel incredibly sorry for them.

I do want to continue to be kind to them. But I also think SIL and BIL should be told to pull their socks up.

OP posts:

Rocksaltrita · 27/12/2024 08:49

The dynamic sounds awful! I love looking after little nieces and nephews but none of our siblings would absolve themselves of responsibility for their own DC! We also have a policy of ‘handing over’ the kids to the next adult at big family events, so there are no vagaries around who has eyes on. It’s all too easy to assume ‘someone’ will step up, when actually everyone is assuming that someone isn’t them in the event of an emergency!

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 27/12/2024 08:44

Just say, at dinner, oh let's swap, you'll want to sit near your children. If they are playing with something they shouldn't, then let bil or SiL know,; don't intervene yourself.

The main problem is your inability to manage the communication directly with them, and it can be done without anger or resentment. Just plainly.

Also, a certain amount of all chipping in with kids is normal, so I wouldn't try to completely reverse it, you're hopefully aiming for better balance. Parents of young ones get very tired, and it's hard to remember that later on.

Original poster

Beachcomber · 27/12/2024 08:44

Again lots of good points. Thank you. It is really helpful to hear from outsiders.

You get so used to a set up that you are around a lot and end up going along with stuff that just isn't OK.

Maybe we are too mother henish with nephews. I just can't imagine sitting next to a child who is stuffing big slices of bread into their mouth and not suggesting to them that they slow down / moving the bread basket away from them.

Half the problem is that the family eat late (cultural thing) and the kids are starving by the time they get to the table so they cram food in. It makes me nervous as I've been around a few choking incidents.

With regards to the comment about SIL being knackered. Yes, she probably is. And BIL is a lazy sexist man who thinks cleaning and parenting is women's work.

But she gets a lot of help and always has done. The kids spend the entire summer at grandparents" houses. They spend 3 weeks with each set of grandparents (so 6 weeks in total) and have done since they were tiny babies.

PIL have them for a week at every other school holiday.
They also regularly go and look after the kids at home and help to clean the house as it is chaotic and dirty.

We help less as we work full time / have brought our own kids up / disagree with the enabling / think it's not good for young kids to spend 6 weeks away from their parents. But will take the kids for a day or so to give MIL a break.

Older child spent 2 months with PIL when SIL was pregnant /had just had her 2nd child. Because she was tired.

He was only 2 yo himself. We assume that this is part of the reason why he is so nasty and violent towards his little brother.

OP posts:

Kehlani · 27/12/2024 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BookGoblin · 27/12/2024 08:36

The only unreasonable thing about your post is the title. They are not just your SILs kids, Your BIL is equally guilty here.

HopelesslyOptimistic · 27/12/2024 08:33

Genevieva · 27/12/2024 08:30

Beachcomber · 27/12/2024 08:20

Yeah well we do that too of course because we are grown ups.
We always take a prepared dish and dessert and we (all 4 of us) cheerfully set and clear the table, stack the dishwasher, wash up, etc.

Somehow we manage to do these normal things whilst also chatting to a 6yo or taking a sharp knife out of a 4yo"s hand.

We also regularly host and do quite a lot of cooking for 15 ourselves. Which we generally quite enjoy and it has the added benefit of giving PIL a break from doing it.

Show quote history

yoy Need some place names. Get reusable ones or get a child the right age to decorate some printed names then put them where you want them.

Original poster

Beachcomber · 27/12/2024 08:27

SometimesCalmPerson · 27/12/2024 08:18

It’s quite normal in extended families for parents to relax a bit when there are lots of relatives around to keep an eye on the kids. In my experiences of family gatherings it would be quite strange for parents to be hovering around their children in the same way they would with other friends or in public.

Your BIL and SIL sound like they take it to the extreme and give up on parenting completely which isn’t ok, but one of the things I liked most about big family get togethers when children were young was sharing the load a bit. That might make me sound like a MN CF, but equally I now take my turn playing fabulous Auntie to give the parents of younger children some time to enjoy themselves. It’s just normal family stuff.

Yes I agree with you. It is part of family gatherings. The parents get a bit of a break and generally aunts, uncles, older cousins, grandparents, etc enjoy time with the little ones.

But this is more than that.

I can't imagine that there are very many people on this thread who wouldn't do something about one of their children trying to strangle the other.

Or the fairly constant and one way pinching, hitting, hair pulling, etc that goes on. I assume for attention.

It's a sad state of affairs. And much of it is enabled by the family.

OP posts:

MumonabikeE5 · 27/12/2024 08:25

I think you SIL (where is her partner in this? Is he not there) is probably pretty knackered and does appreciate the support family on these occasions. You’ve seen how challenging the eldest behaviour is, and how little respect he has for his mother. Imagine what’s happening at home. Maybe she needs more family support not less?

SunshineAndFizz · 27/12/2024 08:24

Beachcomber · 27/12/2024 07:58

All good points.

I don't really know why we do it. I think it's a combination of loving the kids and wanting to spend time with them and a weird family dynamic where S'IL and BIL are allowed to be incapable by everyone.

And I feel sorry for the kids.

I said in a loud voice when we were going to the table at Christmas that maybe it would be practical for SIL or BIL to be near the kids and MIL said no, they are fine where they are.

The table thing is a bit tricky (we're not in the UK) and the done thing is for hosts to place people. It's very bad form to refuse. I want to try though.

Ask whoever does the table plan to seat the kids next to their parents.

Porcuporpoise · 27/12/2024 08:24

Well if you don't want to do it, don't do it but honestly the things you list don't sound that bad to me and sound like the sort of thing anyone might do for a young relative. No need to make a scene - just stop.

SunshineAndFizz · 27/12/2024 08:23

nomoretreats · 27/12/2024 08:16

What a sad post where you are looking for ways to stop helping the kids. Your children's first cousins. Assuming you never got support or help at family functions when yours were little?

If you personally don't want to help them don't but don't stop others who can speak for themselves.

I'm getting CF vibes here 😂

Loopytiles · 27/12/2024 08:23

I’d not be inviting SiL / BiL over to mine either.

AdviceAdvice123 · 27/12/2024 08:22

Tough situation OP. I think it’s reasonable to get some load-sharing when at a family gathering. But it is beyond cheeky of them to just totally ignore their children. Some of DH’s extended family are like this, they arrive, and don’t speak to their kids again until they leave.

The trouble is, I can’t see this actually making any difference. It’ll just make you the bad guy. The parents will continue to ignore their kids whether they’re sat next to them or not, your MIL will end up being the one to step up when necessary, but you’ll look bad for having disrupted the status quo.

How often do you see them all together?

Loopytiles · 27/12/2024 08:22

how often do you see these family members? If not that often you could do the minimum and tell your DC that how much to intervene is up to them. if often would cut back!

Original poster

Beachcomber · 27/12/2024 08:20

TimeForATerf · 27/12/2024 08:02

if you were all helping poor MIL cook for 15 then you wouldn’t have time to be roped into babysitting.

Yeah well we do that too of course because we are grown ups.
We always take a prepared dish and dessert and we (all 4 of us) cheerfully set and clear the table, stack the dishwasher, wash up, etc.

Somehow we manage to do these normal things whilst also chatting to a 6yo or taking a sharp knife out of a 4yo"s hand.

We also regularly host and do quite a lot of cooking for 15 ourselves. Which we generally quite enjoy and it has the added benefit of giving PIL a break from doing it.

OP posts:

itsgettingweird · 27/12/2024 08:20

nomoretreats · 27/12/2024 08:16

What a sad post where you are looking for ways to stop helping the kids. Your children's first cousins. Assuming you never got support or help at family functions when yours were little?

If you personally don't want to help them don't but don't stop others who can speak for themselves.

Have you actually read the thread?

No one wants to stop doing things for their neices and nephews. They want to stop being made to solely parent them at family events as they are difficult!

Agree with others though that you don't need to helicopter them at the table.
And DH needs to send Lo back to mum over things like the toilet.

Other than that I'd try and sneakily move the designated places before sitting down and then claim innocence

SometimesCalmPerson · 27/12/2024 08:18

nomoretreats · 27/12/2024 08:16

What a sad post where you are looking for ways to stop helping the kids. Your children's first cousins. Assuming you never got support or help at family functions when yours were little?

If you personally don't want to help them don't but don't stop others who can speak for themselves.

LostittoBostik · 27/12/2024 08:16

Bearbookagainandagain · 27/12/2024 07:37

The parents haven't asked you for anything at all, they are not expecting you to do anything. It was your choice to intervene, sit next to them, 'parent' them etc. From your description, the kids weren't being loud or disruptive in any way, just not behaving or eating the way you think they should.

And they are not babies, if they need something like going to toilets, they know where to find their parents.

I agree with this.

They're letting you do it because you're coming across as if you want to. If you don't want to, don't do it anymore.

Maybe you want them to be disciplined more regularly than they are by their parents? That's not your call.

DarkAndTwisties · 27/12/2024 08:16

And we spend the entire meal cutting up their food (otherwise they stuff huge bits in their mouths), reminding them to chew, stopping them from eating ridiculous amounts, etc, etc.

I don't understand why you're doing this?

The safety stuff (hot soup etc) I appreciate someone needs to step in and if the parents are useless then obviously you can't just watch them seriously hurt themselves.

But a 6 year old kid that isn't yours? Stop watching how much he's eating and telling him when it's too much. You're making work for yourself. I don't disagree that the parents are in the wrong here. But some of this stuff doesn't need doing by others

MumChp · 27/12/2024 08:11

Just don't do it. You don't owe free babysitting.

Original poster

Beachcomber · 27/12/2024 08:03

And with the toileting, the little one asked his mum to go with him. Not to help, he's 4 and can certainly manage a wee on his own. But we were in my DH"s uncles house and the children don't know it very well.
The toilet is at the end of a long and gloomy corridor and the little one was afraid to go alone.

SIL just brushed him off and impatiently told him to go by himself. He didn't go and then a while later asked my DH to go because he was afraid.
DH just went because his sister wasn't going to do it and who would refuse to help a child who needed a wee but was a bit frightened of where the toilet was??

OP posts:

TimeForATerf · 27/12/2024 08:02

if you were all helping poor MIL cook for 15 then you wouldn’t have time to be roped into babysitting.

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