To stop looking after my SIL"s kids at family gatherings?

SIL was always expecting other people to look after her kids, usually while she pretended to be ill and went for a sleep.
I didn'y mind helping out occasionally but with 2 of my own I don't need to spend family gatherings looking after hers.
One Christmas me and DH were playing on The Wii and she brought her baby in and plonked it on the sofa and asked us to watch him while she slept, our 2 had finally gone to bed so we were happy to be getting some non baby time. As soon as the baby woke up and kicked off DH picked him up and took him in to SIL and placed him on the bed next to her with "babys crying" and walked out.
MIL tried to have a go at me about it (presumably due to me having a vagina) but I ignored her.
I would always try and stop a child hurting itself in an emergency but I would be loudly pointing the fact out to its parents or if it wasn't am emergency I might say that the child was going to get hurt if XYZ

Just stop doing it. Obviously if someone is about to run in front of a bus, you intervene, but everything else just leave. Don't cut up food for them, or even point it out, just eat yours. If it ends up on the floor or they have too much in their mouth, so be it. These parents don't have to act or even be aware of the dangers because someone is always jumping in. To be honest, sometimes it takes an incident or accident to make parents wake up to potential risks - even vigilant parents, let alone fools like them.

I have some family members that do this. Once, we were at a family 'do', and a stranger brought their toddler back in, after they found him wandering in the road. The parents were having a lovely time, socialising and assuming that the rest of us were watching the kids. They hadn't actually asked anyone to do that though.

I’m torn. I was half brought up by an aunt/uncle who were very involved in my childhood as my parents weren’t. Now they have 7 grandkids and every time I go up (leaving in an hour) to spend time up there, I see that they’re very involved grandparents, enmeshed, actually. When I’m there, I’m involved, will stop little ones hurting themselves, will pick up, comfort, stop any silliness if I’m nearest. I remember one mum telling off her dad who didn’t stop her youngest hurting himself because ‘It takes a village’, which I thought was a bit much, she gets so much help and has chosen to have multiple dc, she should be looking after them, but her parents have enabled her. 🤷‍♀️

These kids have selfish parents. Don’t look after their kids, don’t intervene. Let these cfs be responsible for their kids. Tell your sil that she’ll need to parent her kids when they are at your place and any damage paid for.

With some parents, the more you help them, the more it dis-enables them. The kids are confused about who is the parent as they are being raised by parents, grandparents, extended family. No one wins .

It really does sound like the poor children have terrible parents and they are actively avoiding dealing with things that are going terribly wrong with the older one.

I would refuse to go if you're going to be stuck looking after them if you do.

Please do report anonymously, this is so sad to read. He must have spent being a tiny little one year old, two year old, three year old, now four year old on high alert and in fear most of the time, that’s so horrific to think of.

@Beachcomber your posts all added together paint a picture of very poor parenting, possibly two adults who are aren't coping with parenthood at all in fact. The family recognises this at some level - hence all the childcare offered etc which is far beyond normal.

The children are suffering and will be impacted as adults for sure. The neglect is impacting both. The 6yo sounds angry & will likely get more violent. The 4yo sounds introverted & scared and will likely get more anxious as the bullying goes unchecked.

How much impact you can have depends on how much time you have to put into it. You could be a haven for them, particularly the younger one, and support him. Or you could report them to school / social services to try get them more help - but this will have limited impact if the parents don't engage.

This!

You sounds as if you are being very controlling over quite a few things that really don't matter.

Sort of this. Although not if there was a real problem.

(Sorry, I quoted the wrong text.a minute ago. Here's the correct quoted text with the correct corresponding post!)

...

It's nice you are such a good aunt. They are fortunate to have you.

I was and remain, just shocked at the number of near death incidents!!! It sounds like if you weren't there a child may have died or seriously injured themself.

But if it is all really genuine and you r not being a bit too OTT, then crikey, I worry what happens when you are not there and would be surprised if the children are not frequently in

How often do you see them? They sound like a bit of a handful, but most young kids are.

If you don't see them often, then I would suck up taking a hands on role a few times a year making sure that 2 young kids in my family get to eat and don't get hurt. If you really hate doing it, then I would decline big family event invitations and instead see MIL separately.

If you see them a lot then I would either find myself busy in the kitchen, guide them back to their parents each time they want help, or again stagger my visits to when they aren't around.

From the OP it's hard to tell whether they are badly behaved and/or poorly parented or whether they are regular little kids with parents who do want a bit of a break to eat a meal in place and feel secure that their children are with family who care about them.

Your sil and bil aren't parenting after them at all by the sounds of their behaviour.

Next time make a point of sitting down at the other end of the table to their kids first. If they are doing something that requires parental intervention, tell them 'x has got y in headlock, you might want to intervene'.

It's nice you are such a good aunt. They are fortunate to have you.

I was and remain, just shocked at the number of near death incidents!!! It sounds like if you weren't there a child may have died or seriously injured themself.

But if it is all really genuine and you r not being a bit too OTT, then crikey, I worry what happens when you are not there and would be surprised if the children are not frequently in A&E and/or, or having frequent social care input....

@KiraNerys1, that little exchange is reasonably easy to sort out. e.g.:

BIL, you are needed here, Cain and Abel are fighting again"
theyll be ok. They're just playing
No, they are not, they are fighting, please sort it out NOW.

or "SIL, do you want to come and cut Cain's food up for him"
no, that's ok. You can do that, you're there
No, I can't, please come and cut it up NOW, he's your child..

Does that mean that your MiL places people? In that case, say you don't want any of your family to be near their children, and suggest that the time has come for the children to be seated near their parents for once.

If she won't go along with it, just tell the children to ask their parents every time they need help.

BIL, you are needed here, Cain and Abel are fighting again"
theyll be ok. They're just playing

or "SIL, do you want to come and cut Cain's food up for him"
no, that's ok. You can do that, you're there

@Beachcomber you are all enabling this by taking over and unless you all stop (including MIL) it will continue. The older child isn’t a problem because he spent some time with the MIL but because he’s a bully who isn’t parented when at home. Awful. But you can’t change this unless you ALL work together (won’t happen) and with the parents on board (they have different standards so won’t happen either). So step back. Refuse to sit near them or don’t go. One thing your MIL could do is to cut up some of the food to avoid the choking issues but personally it sounds awful and I’d just try to avoid it.