Toxic grandparents or over reacting?

I think you need to pull it back. Maybe a slow fade - once a fortnight at first, then scale back to once a month.

They think they are her parents as they look after her so much - I can see why it's happened, but you need to scale back the contact to stop them acting like this.

Make excuses if you want to be polite - she's got a cold again etc, and then gradually scale back the visits and stays

You and your partner had one child, not three. This child is your priority which includes attachments to you and your partner, their health and safety.

Your parents are adults. They are choosing not to act like adults. You are not responsible for this and therefore need to stop facilitating the 'reduce jealousy' by doing xyz as this serves to support their needs and not your baby's.

It's hard to say no to adults who brought you up and you used to trust but they aren't behaving like this at the moment. You need to advocate for your child.

Block them on your phone temporarily. But be prepared for ranting parents at your front door. In that case you can call the police.

it’s got worse in the last 6 months after a disaster of a holiday in June when my other half blew up due to the overstepping in a caravan

What actually happened? What do you mean by blew up?

It seems like you have drifted into a situation which isn't working for you but works for them, and you're going to have to put in firm boundaries and stick to them completely to pull this back. No matter the arguments you'll have to just not get into a discussion with them, as clearly they feel entitled to have their opinion be included.

You'll have to make very clear e.g. there will be no more sleepovers. They can see DD in her own home with her parents present when invited, or not at all. Or whatever works for you, but it'll have to be very clear that you are the parents and any attempts by them to parent your DD you will have to shut down. And they won't like it so you'll have to be prepared to hold firm and keep holding the boundaries consistently .

I don't envy you but it is possible.

An argument takes 2. Cut them off if via phone they kick off. Irl you leave the situation physically.. Don't engage with their bloody nonsense..

Also if they’ve essentially had 2-3 days a week with her for this long, I’d be getting some legal advice in case they try to take you to family court for access to her. You’ve set them up almost as her co-primary caregivers!

What on earth have I just read??

1. why would you send your one year old away for a “few days every week”? She’s your child, not theirs! This is not normal and has understandably blurred all the boundaries.
2. they badmouth your partner, to the extent where he had to leave his own flat on Christmas Day? Are you stopping this or sticking up for him? If the tables were turned we’d all be saying “you have a DH problem”. You need to be on your DH’s side, and make it crystal clear that if they cannot be civil to your other half and your daughter’s father then they won’t be welcome. What are they saying about you both in front of her do you think?

This is a hugely toxic situation, they sound awful but you’ve let this happen. Reading between the lines, your parents have done a real number on you to have this level of control and poor behaviour over you where you accept it. Were they abusive to you growing up? It’s time to put some clear, strong boundaries in place and if not completely remove them from your life, at least have minimal contact.

Well I'm confused because you said my own parents who stay an hour away my LG has went down to my parents a few days a week to stay since she has been about one.

If your child has been staying with your parents a few days a week since she was 1, of course they are acting like they're her 'other' parents, they have essentially been parenting her half the week for half her life. This is very different to a more standard set up with grandparents who a child might see along with their parents for a visit of a couple of hours at a time a couple of times a month or something.

I would be distancing myself from them.

So your 2 year old actually lives part time with your parents? That does make a bit of a difference.

Absolutely this!

It sounds more like a shared custody arrangement and that they are essentially coparenting her.

This is not a normal set up OP. Why do they have her so much of the time? Is there backstory here?

Block them, they sound batshit.

Boundaries. Can ur OH tell them that they are no longer welcome in your LGs life. And a gentle note, that they haven’t been and aren’t good parents to you, what makes you think that they will be good Grandparents to your LG? When does this abusive behaviour start in her. You know what to do.

Aware of this and the jealousy of my own parents who stay an hour away my LG has went down to my parents a few days a week to stay since she has been about one.

They sound awful but it's no wonder they've overstepped if you've been sending your child to stay with them for a few days every week, an hour away from you, since the age of 1. Why has your child spend so much time essentially living part time with your parents?

Tell them that the relationship your in-laws have with your child does not have to be equal to be fair.

i would say that their blatant disrespect of your DH means you will be taking a long extended break from them because your DH and your child are now your immediate family and your parents are now your extended family - as such, you will always stand by your DH's side and their childish and toxic behaviour will not be tolerated.

I would say that any comments regarding your parenting decisions or ability to parent are none of their business as LO is not their child and they have zero parental responsibility. If you wanted their opinion then you would ask but otherwise it is not wanted nor required.

You really could do with putting your foot down and having a good 3-4 months no contact - their actions have consequences. I would say that until they can sit down, accept some accountability for their comments and behaviour and genuinely apologise to your DH then they will not be welcome in your home.

This sounds hard! Your parents sound difficult.

I would set clear boundaries with them. Be firm with them. If they overstep them then cut contact.

no wonder your partner exploded. He must have been at breaking point

What happened in June?

This is a good idea. Set it out clearly. If they then do any of those things, do exactly what you said you’d do. Be firm, consistent and don’t back down.
Also, do not give them any unsupervised contact with your child whatsoever from now on. Some GPs think they have some kind of right to this. They don’t. And your parents have shown they can’t be trusted.

Stop the overnights and unsupervised contact now.

It sounds like its going to get to the point where you will go nc, and they could potentially go to court to get access if they have a long established relationship where they have her alone.

You and your Dp are the parents here, and, currently, you DD is seeing her dad leaving his own home so grandparents can visit, and hearing digs and comments aimed at both her parents. It's not healthy, and the older she gets the more she will understand.

It can be tricky to make the transition from your parents being your main family, and you being the child who does as you're told, to having to say no and stick up for your own child and her family, but it does need to happen.

No more unsupervised contact with your dc.. You give them scope to seek legal advice about getting proper access in place.. Back away and keep your dc with you
They haven't got your dc's best interests at heart have they? Nope.
. Imo.