Toxic grandparents or over reacting?

An I see I was confused as to what meant live and what meant stay 😂

Anyway. Toxic nutters OP. Stop the overnights

Look up 2 posts ⬆️, in Scotland that means where you live.

OP when you say “stay” do you mean “live”?

OP, I think you need a re-set.

Your child is not for parcelling out to prevent your parents being jealous. This is madness, and feeds their idea that they have a right to time with your child, to dictate how you manage your parenting and criticise your DH. You have made them ringmasters of this circus by pandering to them and placing their needs at the centre.

Take back control. Stop the 2 or 3 days a week thing. YOU suggest times they can meet up or do an activity, but I would tell them that 2/3 days every week is not working for you: 1. You need to secure the nursery place 2. Your baby is only a baby for such a short time and you are not happy with so much separation.

Most importantly: make it clear that you and your DH are a team. That you act as one and in no way will they come between you, nor will you put up with their criticism of him. It is irrelevant (though to his credit) that he doesn’t care what they think: your job is to have his back as he has yours. Any comments from your parents, deal with, right there and then. “DH is my child’s father and my DH, we act as a team”, “that may be your opinion but I do not wish to hear it” “that is something DH and I will discuss between ourselves “, “thank you for your opinion but DH and I will form our own view” etc. Be prepared with calm but firm responses.

Ultimately you may need to tell them that your priority is your Dd and you are not prepared to subject her to tense bickering and certainly not to hearing her Dad criticised so if they are unable to STFU / keep their opinions to themselves, they will need to leave.

They will push back. Take no notice, just keep calmly and firmly to your points. Don’t rise to antics. Once YOUR boundaries are in place you might find the whole relationship calms down.

If not, go v low contact. They sound insufferable.

In Scotland where you stay means where you live.

I’m in a slightly different place to others.

It sounds like for whatever reason it’s grown to a situation where the grandparents do a lot of parenting. With that context, it’s pretty brutal and unreasonable to block contact over relatively minor things, or when the child is in hospital. Leaving a bedside to let someone into a ward isn’t an unreasonable request. It’s in the same bracket as going to the loo.

If things feel like they’ve moved to a point you’re not happy with then by all means take some time out to have a sensible adult conversation and reset some boundaries. But recognise in that that the starting point is a position that you’ve been involved in creating where they do a big chunk of the parenting and cutting that off blank isn’t fair on the child or them.

When you say ‘stay’ do you mean you’re on holiday? Presumably a long break if you’ve been staying there several weeks?

It sounds as though your parents are controlling and they've not accepted that you've grown up and become an adult in your own right.
You and your DH need to get your ducks in a row and get those boundaries set and hold them firmly. I think you're both either too nice or too browbeaten for your own good, and they've taken advantage of this.
As others have said, you're potentially in a sticky situation because your parents are essentially co-parenting for 2-3 days a week. If they start down the route of it's because you couldn't cope without them, it's going to be tricky to push back against unless you have everything sorted for her being with you full-time e.g. nursery place etc etc
You might also want to think about whether you're accommodating their wishes/demands because of fear, obligation, guilt (FOG). The Stately Homes thread might be interesting and illuminating reading.

This makes me appreciate my own grandparents so much.
They raised me during the summers while my family worked.
I can’t imagine them behaving like this, @Jesbmand in addition to your stressful life and trying to keep your baby well, this is just piling on.
Maybe tell them (kindly but firmly) what you’ve told us here, and that you’re giving them a 90-day moratorium. During that time, they need to come to the understanding that Baby is your baby and as such, the remarks, the vocal recriminations and all the criticisms will come to an end. All the snarky remarks about family members stop.
The two of you are in charge. The atmosphere is decidedly more happy in 90 days.
If, in 91 days they cannot commit to this new atmosphere, they are more than welcome to remove themselves — this is the new world and you two are the captains of the ship.
Sending love.

"my LG has went down to my parents a few days a week to stay since she has been about one"

WHY TF is this happening?

She should be with you full time. An update from you states she is but the above says otherwise. Does she stay with them a few days a week or not?

Grow up and put boundaries in place before they do to your child what they've done to you and make her unable to say no.

Please listen to the above posters and OP--you need to grow a backbone and STOP giving it to your parents demands before you alienate your DD and your DH. Do you want your DD to listen to the constant degradation of your DH? If not, I suggest you do something about it.
They are nasty and unkind and don't deserve to be that much of a focus in your DD's life. It sounds like you need your IL's to take some time with your DD and wean your NVDP away from being co-parents.

They sound absolutely horrible

This thread is wild. How on earth have you gotten yourselves into a situation where your own daughter lives with you PART TIME?!

You’re letting someone else be a co-parent to your daughter out of “niceness”

that’s not ok and needs to stop

One more thing, you should keep these unhinged messages, and future ones… etc, just in case they try and take you to court for access if you stop contact. If your decision is to cut right back, make sure you keep a diary of contact and messages to prove that you have stopped giving them unsupervised care of your child. It’s really important that you have evidence to cover your butt here. They sound just the sort to try something.

I would address it in writing. Draw out the boundaries. Let them know if they don’t like those boundaries they are cut off.

Pull the plug on these awful humans having access. She’s not a dolly or a pet. They don’t own her. You two are her parents. Time to behave that way.

However you got there, you’ve ended up with your parents considering themselves as co- parents of your child.

You need a big, open conversation about a reset.

You need to take responsibility for this though - you are to blame. They have not been over-stepping, they have been doing their job for your child.
You need to thank them, then say it’s not how you wish to continue. They need to become grandparents NOT co-parents, so boundaries need to be redrawn.

Good luck. You’ve got yourselves into a right old pickle here.

You have to keep doing it, stick 100% to your boundaries 100% of the time. It's the only way. They're not going to like it, of course they won't, but they're never going to like it so you've got to take the bull by the horns. You can't do this without pissing them off, but if you don't do it things are going to carry on like they are.

Also, for the record they're obviously being v v unreasonable, but thinking the overnights is the main long term issue really

Yes I would thread carefully here. As your DD stays a few days a week they could be entitled to access rights.

I would try to keep on friendly terms with them and gradually scale back the contact - just make excuses and ignore their arguments. If you let her stay with them a few nights a week long term it could lead to access rights so you really need to scale it back/stop it happening now while she's still little.

Why not say instead that they're welcome to come see her at yours? Or say she's visiting her other grandparents and they're welcome to join too (but stop the single visits and overnights)

They could end up with access rights if you leave her to stay with them a few days a week! I would use the nursery and try to improve your relationship whilst being clearer over your boundaries.

How many days is a 'few days a week'? Do you need this childcare or can you afford to pay for childcare?

Id be laying down that they are not welcome until they can stop slagging off dc dad

You and your dh need to take full and independent responsibility for your daughter. Why aren't you doing that and can you afford to do it?

If you are saving rafts of money on nursery fees due to yiur parents taking her for childcare, what on earth were you all doing in one caravan together over the summer?

There is something that sounds quite bizarre going on here.