Am I being ungrateful?

This would annoy me too. Is there anything at all you would enjoy as a gift that isn’t a charity donation? As it sounds like she’s not going to change and if you specifically asked for something you wanted you might find it all less infuriating.

Is there an ongoing theme about not feeling heard?
It Is absolutely ok to feel however you feel, especially if it’s bringing something up that’s affected you in childhood. Your feelings are valid.

you can only put boundaries in for yourself though.

The mother only buys what the mother wants because op tells her to donate to charity.

If op asked for a new winter coat, or sent her a link for a new kettle, or said she'd love a John Lewis voucher, then everyone would be happy.

I don't know either of them, but mum isn't the only one exerting control imo. Being furious and upset because your mum bought you gifts is an odd response unless she's abusive and you're nc. OP is annoyed because she told her mum what to do and her mum had the temerity to ignore it. Probably because she wants to be a normal mum who buys nice things for her daughter at Christmas. As pp said, she's at least 70 and unlikely to change so why not make it work for both of you.

I think you are missing the point. The mother buys what the mother wants not what is asked for.

Ask her for a voucher or money. Or ask for one more expensive item that would sell well. Sell it on Vinted and keep the cash

My mother didn't raise me and has severe mental illness.

She does exactly this. Buys me things she would like or thinks I should have. Has no idea who I am, what I like or dislike etc despite me telling her.

I am a size 8-10. She buys me size 14 clothes. I spend a lot of time giving brand new things to charity shops or selling on vinted. It's time consuming and unnecessary as I don't want any of it. I honestly think she does it to be unpleasant to me. She doesn't have a lot of money so it's very frustrating. I go through phases of not taking things from her but she always seems to give them to other family members who are less blunt with her.

I would find this extremely upsetting and annoying too OP.

It's the toal disregard for your wishes and what you have asked that is hurtful. My family always totally disregarded me in everything, which is why I eventually went no contact them.

I also sympathise with the idea of gifting to charity instead of exchanging unwanted and unneeded items.

I get it OP.

It's not about the gifts it is about you not being listened to and that reminds you of when that has happened before, it probably takes you back to being 10.

I would not even open them. I would either give them to a charity shop or save them for next year and regift them back to her.

Is she in the wrong? Yes.
Are your feelings valid? Yes.
Will i pt change? Probably not.

She's at least 70 based on your age so highly unlikely - at this age you just wont change her.

Put it on vinted for a few pounds just to get it out of the house or literally just put it in the bin.
I used to waste a lot of energy on this with a relative and i dont even know how but ive given it up to jesus and its incredibly liberating. I feel so much freer and dont have this negative stressful energy weighing me down.
We visited around mid dec and got the usual boxes (plural) of crap. I let my dd keep the only age appropriate things (1 book and 1 soft toy) everything else just went to the skip on the way home.

Sorry but this sounds more like a you problem, you ‘inherited’ scarfs?
Surely this was more of a clearance job, put scarfs in bag drop off at charity shop?

Absolutely......so disrespectful and rude

Try to spin it positively......there will be SO many people who would love those gifts (charities eg) .....give the gifts away with a glad heart and a straight middle finger 🥰

I have known people who have insisted that they don’t want any gifts just to complain that they haven’t been given anything and we should have known that they were being modest. Does your mum know that you actually don’t want a gift

I think this is an example of the bigger problem OP. She doesn’t listen to you or respect your opinion in general which is why this seemingly insignificant issue upsets you so much.

Dropping it off to charity isn’t so easy for everyone. Our high street has one car park which is a long walk from the charity shops.

The high street is pedestrianised so you can’t even just quickly stop and drop it off.

When my kids were little, my mum did this too. Bought them loads (and I mean tonnes of 'crap') every Christmas. I soon realised, it wasn't about what the kids (or I) wanted, it was about her love of going shopping and our wishes didn't come into it. I would load it all up into my car and drop it all off at the local charity shop - job done!

This would drive me potty if you were my mum. It’s really rude to disregard what someone asks of you because you think you know better. YOU might like giving gifts but they don’t want to receive them. Since gifting is meant to be about the recipient and not the giver, you should give people the gift of respecting their wishes if they ask for no gifts. They mean it.

OP you are not BU.

It might be a mental health issue of hers. It's madness, but you can't control her, just your reaction to her.

Sell the stuff ebay or FB market place or regift. Do you know anyone that would want the gifts? Can you donate them to a women's refuge? Same with the clothes you inherited, can you donate?

If people don't want presents you should respect that.
It's not about what you want.

This definitely sounds like a control issue for her.

You’ve got to take the control back.

Where does this present exchange happen?

Where are the toys? Are they at yours, if yes, put them on her doorstep.

I really love Christmas, and choosing gifts for my grown up children and grandchildren. I would be quite upset myself if they said that I couldn't buy them gifts.

I would probably think that they didn't really mean it, or were worried about me spending a lot of money.

Couldn't you compromise by suggesting something you actually want next year? That way your mum gets to buy her daughter a gift, and you get something you don't consider 'clutter.' There must be something surely, even if it's practical or a voucher.