Am I being ungrateful?

It's all about her isn't it? I would regift the things back to her. Wrap them up now and label them to her, put them in a cupboard and when it's her birthday give them to her.

I agree with PP re: both respect and also giving. List of things you would appreciate. For now, donate some and flog the rest? Use the money to pay for something you actually would like, like tickets to a film or a subscription, ie an experience rather than ‘stuff’?

This is about more than Christmas gifts, clearly.

@Owhatsoccurring how about you suggest she spends what she spent on you, on herself and not get you anything and you won’t buy a voucher for her, with the warning that if she does buy you anything, you will donate to charity?

It is totally disrespectful- putting her desire to give things above your wish not have stuff

It's trying to force a lifestyle ( one based on goods ) on you

Just take the stuff straight to the charity shop as you wanted to support charities anyway

This

So for example I think we can assume everyone showers/has a bath. So you could ask for a beautiful soap or shower he'll that you wouldn't normally justify spending on for yourself. It's something you'll use anyway so isn't clutter?

I am obsessed with lip balm and hand cream and love it when I get fancy ones as gifts

It’s not the stuff, it’s the control element and lack of respect that you are upset about. Give the stuff to charity - make a point of telling her that, I would!

It's not unreasonable that she buys you a gift for Christmas and I'm sure your house is not full of stuff all from her so she's not to blame for that. Asking for a charity donation isn't generally what people do at Christmas, so it's sort of unreasonable in return, especially as others have said you could donate it all to charity tomorrow and there's your donation! Can't you send a link for some clothes and toiletries you like next year because everyone does need clothes and toiletries.

@CreationNat1on is right. The key to your peace of mind in this situation is choosing to react differently. Your mother is going to give you things that you are going to bounce straight to the charity shop or someone you know who would appreciate those gifts. You don’t actually want gifts from her so you are not missing out. You are just tasked with making the donation instead of her making a donation direct to a charity.

If she ever asks if you enjoyed her gifts explain what you did with them because you have said numerous times that you don’t want gifts. She’ll probably be upset but it will focus her mind on your boundaries

Why would you not respect their requests?

Could you instead ask her for vouchers?

It sounds like there are two issues here…

You already have your own things you want to declutter and you are trying to work through those and you’re not finding it easy. Plus, you have your aunts things which I’m guessing had an emotional attachment for you especially as she died young. That alone sounds overwhelming.

Then to compound this your mum, who knows what you are already dealing with, is adding to your burden by giving you more things and not listening to you this may be because she has her own issues that need addressing. I don’t really have advice - you could suggest she get a voucher for afternoon tea or some other activity for the two of you but she may still buy that and something along with it…

I have EXACTLY the same issue with my mother. I have realised that her love language is gifts and mine is acts of service so I let her get on with it and if I do find something I would like to be given then I send her a link. Consumable things like nice beauty/skincare products I know I'll enjoy and use up seem to work well for both of us.

She's your mama, she wants to give.

The problem here does actually sound like you and your home. Your home sounds absolutely full of stuff, I couldn't cope with that. It's a normal thing in life to accept gifts at Christmas, and I couldn't imagine ever saying sorry don't get me a gift because my house is so full of crap that I need to sort. And if you've been saying this for 3 years, it seems like a problem that you're not sorting.

However, if you've asked for no gifts and she's ignored you, I'd either just refuse to take them off her when she handed them over, or tell her if she buys you any more gifts they are going straight to the charity shop with everything else.

But "angry, upset, disrespected"....this is all unnecessary.

This is true, and even if you do haul it down there, they might not want it.

We have Anglo Doorstep Collections in our area. I book a collection date and put it out in black sacks or cardboard boxes before 8.00 a.m. on that day, at at some point it gets taken away.

OP, Google Anglo Doorstep Collections and see if the operate in your area, the website tells you clearly what they will and won't take.

I think you are being a bit ungrateful. You said this is the third year in a row. So you know she doesn't want to give to charity and that she does want to buy you a gift. So why not help her out and suggest something you do want rather than let her freestyle?

My parents insist on giving us actual gifts, so I've just got them trained these days. They know exactly which face creams and perfumes to buy and which beers for my husband.

There must be something you need, even if you are decluttering. Everyone needs socks or soaps or something you'd usually just buy as a natural matter of course. Get them to buy it instead and donate your own money to charity that you would have spent on the stuff yourself.

Yes you're ungrateful. She wants to buy you something. Let her. If you don't want them give them to a charity shop

This is a non issue that you are making into a mountain. Your mum is probably not going to change. One day you will lose her. Accept her warts and all and find a way to not be angered and upset by the behaviours you don't like. Give the unwanted gifts to a charity shop. Move on.

I get it OP, my family have bought so much shite I've had to buy an extra suitcase to take it all home. We live in a really small house and space is a big problem. We all agreed just a token gift but I'm 3x Santa sacks in and loads of it is super random.

Op keep the new scarf and put all the inherited ones to charity shop.
Your mum obviously isn't comfortable with charity gifts so come up with voucher ideas of your own, spa day, restraunt vouchers then she has something to give to you that's non-clutter

It’s a form of mental illness in a way or at least deeply rigid thinking, something I’m seeing more from my Dad who is elderly now and is buying things we have expressly asked him
not to buy. Despite the conversation he then goes onto some weird drive of needing to buy presents and then settles on ideas from the past. Ask for gift receipts

I totally see your points, especially about your mum not respecting your wishes and buying for the person she wants you to be rather than who you actually are. I think as far as presents are concerned, I would change tack.
Not having a gift lift to guide her is part of the problem. Give her a list of things you would buy for yourself (or want to buy for yourself) throughout the year anyway - your favourite mascara, moisturiser, bubble bath etc - or the luxury versions that you wouldn’t normally spend that much on. Things that you use every day - could you do with a new set of towels, oven gloves, saucepans? Has your bedding seen better days, or your socks? Even things like coffee pods!