Am I being ungrateful?

Also, I have a house full of stuff that I am desperately trying to get rid of! I don’t need anything and genuinely am happy if it’s just my kids having presents. It’s enough for me! I have all the stuff I could ever need and I don’t want more stuff when I am desperately trying to declutter years of stuff.

This is where I’m at at the moment and experience a slight rising panic when people talk about giving me more fecking stuff. But this is MY problem really.

It sounds as if you see your mother gifting you stuff as the equivalent of somebody giving cigarettes to a friend they know is trying to quit.

Regardless of any wider issues in your relationship with your mother though, I can see how it could be very hard for any mother not to give her child presents for birthdays or Christmas. It may feel intolerably unnatural and uncomfortable to her. Could you ask for something more experiential in future that won’t take up space - like a beauty treatment voucher, cinema or restaurant vouchers?

As for the current crop of unwelcome gifts, if you eBay them and get some money for them, it won’t feel as if the money was totally wasted.

https://anglodoorstepcollections.co.uk/

Charity doorstep collection

Oh, get over yourself! If it bothers you then give it to a charity shop.

3yrs isn't long if you have depression, hoarding issues, disabilities, kids, job(s), sabotaging family, or who know how what issues and a house with decades full of stuff, plus if you read it she has inherited stuff that isn't even wanted too i think. It's easy/quick for some people.. but not everyone is the same or has the same situation

I've got an idea.

You say your mum gives you stuff she would like? Well, along with "boundaries", we're also fond of saying "Match their energy". So gift your mother a Plan International sponsorship!

Job done, point made, and she might even enjoy getting updates from "her" girl.

Did you know that the Mirror has written an article based on your post? I thought you should know. That's how i ended up here, via their link to your post in the article

Oh and i always write ridiculously long messages - i never expect people to read them either though. Idk, i always mean to write something much shorter. :/ Sorry, you can skim read or not bother reading i understand.

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so, you have my total sympathy because my mother does much the same. Slightly different motivations, but the same result really and i have a huge clutter problem already too.

Obviously those who don't have similar mother or clutter situations etc are more likely to say quite unhelpful, over-simplistic things like, just sell it or donate it. If it was really so easy then you wouldn't be discussing it online and you wouldn't be battling clutter for years. That's not the real problem. It's the extra emotional stress and wanting to be heard/respected/supported as an adult and someone probably doing their best to make things better (regarding the clutter), etc. I think you want to be heard and understood ..i read your story and i thought well there's someone who would get it. I wanted you to feel like at least some people understood too, so i was really glad a number of people were sympathetic on this site. I thought I'd add my support/sympathy too. As opposed to writing my mother another pointless angry email before the next occasion and pile of junk arrives. I hope this is a better option.

It's not fair, it's another burden and hypocrisy when your mother criticises you while adding to your problem (i liked the suggestion that you collect everything and put it back on her doorstep; maybe also with the clothes add a note saying it's more your style). It's no wonder you get angry and not grateful. It's not a gift. It might even just be a criticism or effort to control you.

Can i be honest (if not, and it's usually a bad idea, i apologise so much..because i don't know your mother to say anything really anyway. I could be 100% wrong, so sorry in advance for any offence caused) and say that i think your mother is possibly a Narcissist because you say she's trying to dress you in her style of clothes (or can she not accept you're a grown up individual?) &doesn't show concern for your feelings regarding presents or your clutter struggles (only criticising and sabotaging you, not supporting your efforts to deal with), etc. Idk, I'm only guessing. My mother is a depressed hoarder, a compulsive shopper. Her motivations are partly different, although i think narcissism or simple, ordinary selfishness is a big part too because she shows no concern over what i want or feel. I have a huge clutter problem, tell her annually multiple times not to buy me anything and am always ignored. I feel the same way you do, angry and stressed and made to feel ungrateful/guilty.

Everyone thinks it's so easy to get rid of stuff, but it's not. Especially if you don't drive, have energy, time, etc etc etc.. and also you have someone sabotaging you too. Like it's not already so hard and like you have room to store yet more stuff before you can get it to a new home/charity shop/sold. If it was easy to deal with a few new presents then you wouldn't have a clutter problem still. Decluttering is hard. It's an emotional thing, not just a practical challenge (especially when you have a large volume of stuff). Idk why people aren't understanding the situation more.

Maybe they think selling on ebay is fun, easy and profitable.. well, not really in my experience. Idk if you would have better success, but it's still a lot of work even if it's profitable/worth it financially. Even if there's no problems from the buyer.

I hate the wasted money (and things sat around unused, doing nothing but cause stress) too. Even if she kept the money for herself it would be better.

In short (maybe/at last?), you aren't ungrateful and your feelings do matter. You should be supported (offering to pay a professional declutter to help you would make sense if she insists on a present and wants to criticise your home - if you wanted that) and not have things only made worse. I doubt things will change, based on more than 3yrs of trying to get my mother to stop doing the same. a good present might also be free babysitting while you sort out your home, or just get to pamper yourself for once. Yeah, so sorry you have to deal with this too and best wishes. Hope it does improve ..because maybe you can agree something that involves experiences rather than things next year? Maybe she would enjoy doing something she could be involved in too, idk. Good luck and sympathies

No empathy then? It’s more likely
that this is a bigger issue, of not feeling heard, and boundaries not being respected in general. It’s not self absorbed at all

I struggle a little with the concept of buying more for very full houses but I also understand her wanting to ‘gift’ something, despite you not wanting it.

I think there are two options here - 1) next time carry on and ask for some things but makes them usable items .e.g. I use Christmas and birthdays to ask for any skincare, make up or perfume that I do use. I don’t use tonnes but it makes sense to time it with gifting events as otherwise I’d be getting them myself.

Alternatively, is there something you like to do that could be gifted? A membership, subscription, theatre ticket, voucher for dinner out or National Trust? Then it’s not ‘cluttering’ but a lovely experience.

When is her birthday?
Register it all back to her

Yes this, or think of something you actually need. We do an extended family adults gift thing, where we are each given two names to buy for with a value of £25-30 each. It's the least christmas thing ever as we all just swap Amazon lists. i make sure there are things I need so this year I got amazingly comfortable sketchers slippers as my old pair were falling apart, and a travel kettle so I can make my own coffee in my hotel room when I go skiing.

There must be something you need OP, ask for that.

If you have too much stuff and it's overwhelming, give it away. You are not obligated to keep stuff just because someone gave it to you. Just get rid.

But trying to control someone's gift giving when they obviously don't agree isn't a "boundary." It's manipulative. My adult children, dh and I decided to donate to charities in each other's names this year. The key is that we ALL agreed. Your dm doesn't agree. She wants to give you gifts. In that case accepting them with thanks and passing them on to someone who can use them is the gracious thing to do.

Decluttering is a sort of on going process for many people. I try to clear out every cupboard once a year, my mum does hers twice a year.

I know there are things I struggle to part with but that's my own issues.

Three years is an awful long time to be decluttering your home....do you live in a mansion stuffed to the rafters with things?
For most people a scarf, hand bag and a few bits won't make that much difference to the state of their home.
Yes it is annoying that your mother hasn't listened to you but normally people would laugh and donate to charity, are you sure you're not so upset because the gifts have shown how little progress you have made in 3 years?

Which is understandable. Just say nothing, and donate to charity, anything you do not want yourself. Some people just seem to love giving other people things, that they have no need for.

Agree . I have never heard anyone IRL use the word boundaries unless they are talking about land boundaries!😂

Just manage this differently- clearly she’s uncomfortable with not getting you anything, and you refuse to give her ideas. What about meal out voucher, or Air B &B , or a theatre tickets?

I think its understandable that your mother won't buy you 'nothing' for Christmas. So the trick is to ask for something you do want, or at least will use. she obviously thinks a voucher is a 'suitable' present and a charity donation isn't.
So next year you ask for a voucher too.
If it's for m&s or somewhere general you can always spend it on food, furniture or stuff for the kids, things you need, so it won't go to waste.

If you ask for a voucher and she ignores that and buys you random crap then the following year do the same to her.

If you tell her you don't want anything but then graciously accept when she ignores you she's going to keep doing it because she'll assume you don't really mean it.

YANBU. It's horrible when you are totally ignored and get shit foisted on you.

Everyone on here is encouraged to make lists and be clear with family what they want and if they get crap they don't want are told they are entitled to feel aggrieved. Unless what you want is a charity donation or nothing at all and then suddenly it's switched over and it's the river's wishes that suddenly take precedence. Absolute bullshit.

Only PIL and SIL but me Christmas presents. I've manged to get them to do the charity option a couple of times but now they refuse. I think it's rude and stupid but suck it up as they do respect it at my birthday so accepting Christmas presents is my compromise.

Maybe your mum also feels unheard, not listened to, as if her wishes are being disregarded.

Just compromise like most folk manage to do.

To all the posts saying charity shop, regift etc they are missing the essence of the problem which is you feel unheard, not listened to and giving you more stuff when decluttering is unhelpful. It's not black and white

Because pointless consumption is a tradition that belongs in the past like smacking children or treating women as property- why can't some people accept that and respect alternative ways of living and showing love and affection ?

What ever happened to the old fashioned etiquette of graciously accepting a gift, regardless of what it is. Why does everything have to be so complicated these days?