Am I being ungrateful?

Ask her for the receipts so you can return and if she doesn’t have them then offer the gifts back or say you are donating to charity.

my mum wraps up stuff from her house that she wants to declutter. Some of it is new stuff like bed spreads and gives to to me for Xmas. She wrapped up a school picture of me that was in my nans house.

tell her that you want her to donate your gift money to charity or just not buy you anything. You have to be firm and take stuff back to her house. She is basically gaslighting you.

I would be frustrated too.

So. You’ve tried 3 times and just saying ‘I don’t want presents’ isn’t working. Change tactic. Be more specific and make the charity donation one that feels like a present e.g. ‘I would really love my toilet to be paired with one in the developing world, could you get me that? It comes with a certificate I’ll hang in my loo!’ Provide a link.

Also, if she’s set on getting you multiple things, be clear about what you really don’t want e.g. ‘I really don’t need any clothes or toiletries. But I would love a scented candle/bar of chocolate/fancy olive oil/voucher for an experience.’

The posters saying you’re unreasonable clearly have never experienced this sort of deliberate and repeated disregard of their wishes. I can sense how unbelievably frustrated and disappointed you must be.

I note that she asks for a voucher, could you do the same? Ask for m&s or John Lewis, then spend it all on lovely food for the new year, instead of having unwanted objects in your home.

I have told my mother for years that I don't like pralines or chocolates like Milk Tray and prefer malteses or chocolate bars. Every year for Christmas and birthday she buys me Milk Tray! I am 60 next year and she has never listened. This year I swapped with ds. Tbh after losing my db this year I'm just happy to still have her and df so I've given up. If it makes dm happy to give me things I don't want it's fine.

You might be reading more into this than there is. She's your mum. Buying things for you makes her feel happy. Just accept it and then donate it to charity.
It's hard for some people to accept that someone really doesn't want anything

Then you’re choosing a bad example. It’s hard to justify your anger at being ignored when the outcome was that you received gifts.
If the issue is a generic ‘boundary’ one, then choose better examples and address it with her properly, face to face, like an adult.

As PP have said, gift giving and receiving can be about something much deeper than a simple 'just be grateful/ just give it to charity/just get over yourself'.

OP, I just want to recommend a podcast: Calling Home with Whitney Goodman. She talks a lot about difficult relationships between parents and their adult children, and she's just done a little series of episodes on gift-giving and Christmas which you might relate to.

Without wanting to sound mean- I think the issue here is with you. You seem to have put a hell of a lot of baggage behind these gifts and they’re really not that. I would suggest working through this with a therapist as it sounds to me like there’s so much more to these thoughts.

You also need to remember that not everyone believes in charity’s and certainly wouldn’t want to spend their money on that so, you asking your mother to do that is potentially just going to rattle her. It certainly would me.

My love language is gifts so my way of showing love is also by giving gifts. It would be worth looking into love languages to learn a little more about yourself and others. It’s so enlightening.

I understand where you’re coming from and appreciate how frustrating it is but, all of the things you’re suggesting are not what your mother wants or needs. She clearly wants to show you, her daughter (not her grandchildren/charity/anyone else for that matter) her love and the way she knows how is through gifting you.
I understand her and I think as your children grow older you’ll understand it more. I most definitely couldn’t buy just my grandchildren Christmas presents when it is my daughter that has done all of the hard work of bringing them into the world and bringing them up.

I’d suggest either graciously accepting whatever she buys you in future and gifting elsewhere or actually telling her something that would be really useful to you. Or what I like to do with my mum is ask for a day out together that she pays for. She then enjoys making a voucher and wrapping it for me to open on Christmas Day/birthdays. It’s also a lovely opportunity to spend time just me and her which in all honesty is so rare now I have children of my own. No, I don’t always want to go. Yes she can be a right royal pain in the arse but, when I do it it’s always worth it. Try it. Xx

I can't get past the fact that you inherited scarves from your auntie and are struggling to get rid of them. Unless they are Hermes and worth a bomb, what exactly are you struggling with? 50 to 100 scarves would fit into a shopping bag and can be dropped at your local charity shop. As you are keen on charitable donations you can even sign a gift aid form.

How long can that possibly take? Ditto the rest of the decluttering you are talking about. Get some moving day boxes and book a man and van to take it to the tip if there's that much. Job done.

Meanwhile, learn a little grace. Gifts are about receiving as well as giving.

Other issues at the root of this I suspect.

My MIL is the exact same OP, it drives me insane, buys loads of crap every year. The last couple of years I have been really specific with what to buy when she asks I.E we needed a new pan this year. She's never going to not buy you anything so come up with somethings that are useful or need replacing. I'm more bothered about the environmental impact with all this extra stuff just floating around!

What I would give to have my mum at Xmas………..

Totally agree with this.

Plus the Op has complete control over what she does with the gifts (& the aunts scarves) so could regift, take to a charity shop or simply bin the lot.

Decluttering isn't difficult unless you're a hoarder so all this sounds overly dramatic!

You know she is going to buy you something so either ask for something you would like, a voucher for a shop or experience. You must like some.

I'm sorry but 3 years is a long time even with those issues.
The fact OP mentioned inherited scarves makes me think there is more to it, they are probably the easiest thing to put in a bag and drop off at the charity shop but 3 years later they are still in the house...

I would.love it if someone asked me not to buy something. Less shopping. However that is not the point.
I would be grateful that my Mum has thought of me, bought gifts and wrapped them. As working mums we are doing a lot and nobody does anything for us .
However, I get she clearly hasn't listened and also bought stuff you won't use.
Some people get great joy out of buying presents for others at xmas. My sister does.
She is your mum. You know what it's like to be a mum and you are still her baby and just accept that she wanted to buy you something. No need to feel angry or disrespected

I was going to say that

"Trying" to declutter ... Just do it then get off your booty and get it sorted rather than moaning it's there and your mum's so nasty by giving you presents

(Obviously in reply to op not you)

Never have I seen such a bizarre reaction

I know this might sound ungrateful but it really upset me. I am desperately trying to declutter.

Why "desperately trying"? How difficult can it be to take this stuff to a charity shop if you really don't want it?

Just donate it to a local charity or sell it and donate the money

You have absolutely no right to dictate how your mother spends her own money and you sound so petty it's untrue

This.

I hear you mentioning boundaries, disrespect, and similar concerns. It sounds like you want to set your own rules (not wanting gifts) while your mum still wants to give them. She might feel hurt if there’s nothing for you to open. Have you considered respecting her wishes too?

It seems like these issues could be avoided. If she gives you something you don’t want, you could simply donate it to charity, sell it online, or regift it. Problem solved.

Next year, instead of saying you don’t want anything, perhaps you could say something like: “Mum, I really don’t need anything, but if you’d like to give me something, maybe a voucher for a day out with my kids would be perfect.”

Just give it to a charity shop. That’s what you asked her to do, donate to charity so just a round about way of doing it. Some people find it hard not to buy anything.

I understand OP. I feel the same as you, if I say I don’t want something it’s because I genuinely don’t, but here on planet Mumsnet that makes you ungrateful.

If it’s something you enjoy doing, could you ask for something like an afternoon tea voucher?

Can you not just give her the stuff back?

I know you mean well mum, but I asked for no presents, and a lot of this is your taste, not mine, so why don't you keep it or get your money back?

That would definitely drive the message home.

If she doesn't want it back, let her know it is all going straight to the charity shop, so is she sure she doesn't want to get her money back.