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Original poster

friend ‘lodging’ gone sour

494 replies

sausagedogmumm · 26/12/2024 23:10

Need some advice/opinions

Myself and my partner let a friend lodge with us a few months back. At the time she had no where to go and we offered to help, as it’s just the 2 of us with 3 bedrooms. The original deal was a stop gap for her whilst she got herself sorted, we agreed she wouldn’t pay rent but instead pay for household bits and bills. This was a short term fix, she has a cat who we originally said would have to stay elsewhere as we have cats and a puppy of our own and our cats are female and not yet spayed and live inside and hers is a male, outside cat. She also informed us all her belongings would be stored elsewhere, it would just be her and the stuff she needed for a short while, whilst she got back on her feet.

She was unable to find anywhere for her cat to stay so we suggested he stayed downstairs in our dinning room which leads out into the garden and would give him access in and out - it’s a big space and cosy and would mean he was completely separate from our pets, we even suggested she could bring him up stairs at night - our spare room is tiny so this seemed a better option for him.

The week she moved in, we were informed she’d lost her job and the storage had fallen through, so suddenly we had her, alllll her stuff and her cat in our tiny spare room (and her belongings filling our garage and dinning room). She then refused to house the cat downstairs and instead insisted we put up a ‘shelf’ on the outside of our mid terrace house so he could jump in and out. We turned this down, so after a lot of trying to change our minds, she settled for him being let out the front door (carried down).

We realised within a month in, none of our ground rules had really been respected, she was regularly letting her cat mix with ours and then randomly dropped on us, her cat has a gum disease which can be transferred through salvia. She did not contribute to bills and would leave all her dirty washing up in the bowl for us to clean. She then began to leave her cat outside all evening and go out, which caused our neighbours to complain he was trying to get into their houses - to which her response was to tell them to ‘f off.’ She spilled some kind of ink on our carpet which she didn’t inform us of and it’s now ground in and the whole thing needs replacing, put posters on our walls and cracked our paintwork.

As you can imagine, we are very frustrated with the situation and became even more so, when she asked to write up a contract claiming she was paying rent so she could claim more benefits. We refused as she was not actually wanting to pay but transfer it to us and then us send it back and we said we cannot since that is fraud and we are in jobs that require a DBS.

This caused her to become even worse with us and she now regularly moans at us for things like letting her cat in when it’s raining or shutting her bedroom window if we’re going out for the evening and she’s also out till late.

We decided to inform her, we would need our spare room back by the end of jan (6 weeks notice), we stated this was mainly due to our cat ripping out her fur due to the stress of the male cat in the house, meaning until he’s gone, our poor girl is on steroids and stress relief which is costing us hundreds. This combined with the fact she leaves heaters and lights on at all times and has 2 hour baths which has caused our bills to triple, has meant we can no longer have her stay.

She has taken this awfully, threatening suicide and claiming she’ll be on the streets. We have suggested again and again, she contacts the council to try and get housing support but she refused to do so until we told her she had 6 weeks.

Was it fair of us to give her a deadline to move out? We genuinely cannot afford it and my partner grew up in a household with a parent who regularly threatened suicide so as you can guess, he is finding it all very hard

OP posts:
HoundsOfHelfire · 27/12/2024 06:45

stopping sofa surfing and leaving is probably the best thing for her, once she is supported to be accommodated she will then be able to correctly sort out benefits, jobs, the cat within her own space, make her home her own. Rebuild her life. Any additional needs hopefully will get the support they need

HoundsOfHelfire · 27/12/2024 06:34

It might be that you need to ask the police to remove her if she refuses to go. If her behaviour ramps up you can always tell her to leave immediately, you don’t have to wait the full 6 weeks.

ThejoyofNC · 27/12/2024 06:19

Be prepared for things to turn nasty. She will try and refuse to leave, guilt trip, god knows what else. Stay strong.

GreenWheat · 27/12/2024 05:37

Lavenderfarmcottage · 27/12/2024 02:23

To be fair while threatening suicide is manipulative, she likely faces sleeping on the streets and is probably scared.

But that's her own doing. Had she respected her hosts and adhered to their boundaries, she wouldn't be getting asked to leave. She's feeling the consequences of her god-awful behaviour.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 27/12/2024 05:17

She’s not a scrounger, just homeless?
This is a woman who would see two friends lose their jobs so she can defraud the benefits system?
Not a chance.
She is using you and financially abusing you.
She knows exactly what she is doing, she’s costing you a fortune, she’s ruining your home and doesn’t give one shit.
She is not suicidal. She is threatening you. For anyone who is genuinely suicidal, they usually feel so
ashamed of their feelings, they hide it from everyone. Been there myself.
She knows the benefits system well. If she can claim rent to live in your home, she can claim it to live somewhere else.
If she had any gratitude at all she would pull her weight in your home, but sadly she’s one of those people who just blunders about going from chaos to chaos.
Write to her formally giving an end date so she can go to the council.
Don’t feel bad about it. It’s your home. You have been very kind to let her stay but to be frank she doesn’t give a toss about your feelings. She has you living in fear.

Christmasmorale · 27/12/2024 05:12

Lavenderfarmcottage · 27/12/2024 03:42

This is really just sad. It would be hard to get a job with your life in disarray. It sounds like she’s got mental health issues. It’s just a really depressing tale.

It’s also terrible for the OP no doubt.

I don’t however think that attacking people for being down in life is fair. She’s not a scrounger she’s just homeless.

Not attacking her for being homeless, attacking her for being a shit friend, houseguest and neighbour, taking over OP’s house and making OP’s cat sick.

Ladybyrd · 27/12/2024 05:10

She is leaving a mess. Not following the ops rules. Letting her cat disrupt the house and neighbours. She is choosing to behave this way. If she was so worried she would be a good polite guest follow the rules and help out.

Imagine your friend helping you out and you thanking them by telling their neighbour to F off and ruining their carpet.

Christmasmorale · 27/12/2024 05:10

sausagedogmumm · 27/12/2024 00:44

Thank you so much for all your comments, it’s been really helpful for myself and my partner to read over and realise we have made the right choice asking her to leave. For the few asking, I’ve known her since 2019 when I was in my final year of uni - she’s been a fairly close friend to me for a few years (i have closer) but this has proved a lot!

I would give her a week max - you’ll be much happier if she’s gone before the new year. She can go back to family member or book an air bnb.

Ladybyrd · 27/12/2024 05:06

She then refused to house the cat downstairs and instead insisted we put up a ‘shelf’ on the outside of our mid terrace house so he could jump in and out.

This is the turning point in your story. I figured it would all be downhill from here but even I'm surprised just how sharp the trajectory was.

This is not a friend. This is a grifter. Friends do not treat each other the way she is treating you. She needs to pack her things and go. She is not your problem.

Neodymium · 27/12/2024 05:05

Lavenderfarmcottage · 27/12/2024 03:42

This is really just sad. It would be hard to get a job with your life in disarray. It sounds like she’s got mental health issues. It’s just a really depressing tale.

It’s also terrible for the OP no doubt.

I don’t however think that attacking people for being down in life is fair. She’s not a scrounger she’s just homeless.

She is leaving a mess. Not following the ops rules. Letting her cat disrupt the house and neighbours. She is choosing to behave this way. If she was so worried she would be a good polite guest follow the rules and help out.

19lottie82 · 27/12/2024 04:35

I agree, six weeks is wild! I’d give her a week, a fortnight at the absolute max!

does she have any family she can stay with? (Not that it’s your problem, I’m just being nosey)

Cornishclio · 27/12/2024 04:29

You were kind to let her stay with you and she has massively abused your generosity. Given her situation you would think she would be falling over herself to be as little trouble as possible but instead seems to be overstepping massively with the situation with her belongings, cat and abuse to your neighbours. Presumably she has no supportive family which may be a clue to how she generally treats people. She needs to contact the council, shelter etc but she will need to re home the cat. Very sad but you have gone above and beyond for what sounds like just a casual acquaintance. It is situations like this which would make me reluctant to open my home to anyone other than family or very close friends.

Lampzade · 27/12/2024 04:12

I wouldn’t even give her six weeks .
She would be out by the weekend

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 27/12/2024 04:10

Lavenderfarmcottage · 27/12/2024 02:23

To be fair while threatening suicide is manipulative, she likely faces sleeping on the streets and is probably scared.

Then she should have been a grade A houseguest and gone above and beyond especially while unemployed… she made herself homeless by pushing the boundaries and friendship

Skate76 · 27/12/2024 04:04

6 weeks is too long, I'd give her a week before I changed the locks while she was out and put her belongings out front.

IAm16StoneHalloween2024 · 27/12/2024 03:56

Isn’t telling her to leave the best thing for her, as she will then hopefully ‘enter the system’ and be eligible to get help with jobseeking, housing etc? Or am I naive?

Lavenderfarmcottage · 27/12/2024 03:42

This is really just sad. It would be hard to get a job with your life in disarray. It sounds like she’s got mental health issues. It’s just a really depressing tale.

It’s also terrible for the OP no doubt.

I don’t however think that attacking people for being down in life is fair. She’s not a scrounger she’s just homeless.

Frankbeverleyandthebutlers · 27/12/2024 03:10

Up thread she lost her job.

loropianalover · 27/12/2024 03:10

Lavenderfarmcottage · 27/12/2024 02:23

To be fair while threatening suicide is manipulative, she likely faces sleeping on the streets and is probably scared.

If she was scared you’d think she’d be polite and tidy and amiable and do everything she can to be a good house guest!

Shes a scrounger and nothing more.

ThatKhakiMoose · 27/12/2024 03:08

Lavenderfarmcottage · 27/12/2024 02:23

To be fair while threatening suicide is manipulative, she likely faces sleeping on the streets and is probably scared.

If she hasn't been paying rent, she'll have been saving. Most people who work full-time and are single with no dependents can afford to rent a room. I don't see why she would be on the streets, unless she doesn't work.

Edit: I forgot that she doesn't have a job. But the poster above is right. You have to get a job and a room, like most people. And you have to take what you can, again like most people.

MayaPinion · 27/12/2024 02:48

Lavenderfarmcottage · 27/12/2024 02:23

To be fair while threatening suicide is manipulative, she likely faces sleeping on the streets and is probably scared.

In fairness, she has had a few months to get a new job and find new accommodation. She has chosen not to do that, and that’s not the OP’s fault or problem.

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 27/12/2024 02:34

I would change the deadline OP, based on the fact that by threatening suicide she is now causing your partner extreme stress due to their past experience. Just tell her that that she's used you, abused your hospitality and good nature, and is now using emotional blackmail in an attempt to get you to change your mind about her moving out. Then go on to say that in view of the suicide threats and effect that's having on your partner, you're not prepared to take a risk on her doing that, as this would ruin your home for you, and therefore on reflection it's better that she moves out with immediate effect.

I know this sounds really harsh, but if she did kill herself in your home, you would never get over it, you would never want to return to a home that suddenly held such an awful memory for you, so why take the risk, as she might just attempt it, in the hope of making you change your minds, and that's the last thing you deserve.

Frankbeverleyandthebutlers · 27/12/2024 02:29

She will probably get a hostel place or a b and b room neither are great by any means but her housing situation is not down to op even more so considering the so called friends behaviour.
If your being in op house was dependent on how you treated your host's wouldn't you fly under the radar and behave like a human being and respect your host's.

Lavenderfarmcottage · 27/12/2024 02:23

To be fair while threatening suicide is manipulative, she likely faces sleeping on the streets and is probably scared.

EdithBond · 27/12/2024 02:10

It’s obviously your home and you’re entitled to ask her to leave.

Unless she has someone else to stay with, she’s presumably facing street homelessness. If she’s unemployed she’s unlikely to find a rental (as most landlords and letting agents want to let to people in work who pass affordability checks). Most people without children have no rights to even emergency accommodation from the council. However, she should urgently speak to the council housing options team for advice, though they’ll be on skeleton staff over Xmas and New Year.