Argument with EX wife over gift giving for the children.

Because it’s awful stuff? Obviously I wouldn’t ´just’ bin it but I’ve said that we don’t use products like that in this house, and whilst I can’t tell him not to use it at ex husband s house, it’s not to be used here. I prefer that he showers properly twice a day, wears clean clothes and uses quality toiletry products. Spraying teenagers with Lynx to mask poor hygiène is not parenting.

As it’s my home, and not a radical view point, I’m happy to have my own rules for my own home.

In this case, just keep the stuff at Ops house. It’s 50/50 and the stuff is still going to get used. For the younger children, I’d say something about the monkey’s home being with you. I don’t see why you’re so opinionated about what she does/doesn’t do at her house. Similarly she shouldnt have told you how to celebrate your Christmas.

Something doesn’t add up to me. For example, you say your girlfriend bought your 12 year old ‘special spray and skin items’? Do you mean make up and skincare/anti-aging products? Is your ex wife not in agreement with your daughter using these until she is older?

Is the blending of families feeling fast for your ex wife?

I should be somewhere in the middle/ on the wall with this... I do the less presents thing, but that's because they have something decent they want or need rather than lots of spenny shit.
This year they had hardly anything as we had a once-in-a-lifetime holiday in October and they knew we were all calling that our Xmas present together 💕💕 But youngest still got their first device (thank you colleague selling it off cheap!!) and others got headphones they wanted and needed.

My ExH earns 5x my salary and gives them a tonne of absolute shit when he sees them (he sees them less than 2 days a month averaged out). Just shit. Things you'd get for someone you'd never met on a sweep of the Boots sale- oooh socks and a body wash for an 8 year old, whoop! And I hate having all that crap carted back to my house after a day out for the kids to ask me to give it to charity after a year of it knocking around their room...

But she sounds like a fun sponge! No Santa is really properly shitty behaviour unless it is a cultural or religious thing.

Allow the children to see who she really is, whilst just carrying on doing what you do.

Why will it be binned? I assume your DS likes the present and will want to use it?!

I'd also like to hear the other side - which I suspect would be not having enough money to buy 4 children what they want, not wanting a couple of noisy toys in the house and a 12 year old, who is not quite a teenager yet, having easier access to the internet.

I wouldnt stop kids bringing a favourite toy in the house but I might complain to you about it.

Exactly! She sounds like a controlling killjoy and I would be telling her to jog on

Tbh I can see why she would want to keep presents minimal especially with 4 kids - there must be an insane amount of stuff which can be totally overwhelming. Christmas should be about the day and not just about the presents, and it does teach kids to appreciate what they have more when they aren't bombarded by more and more. And really tbh if I was her I would want extra stuff to be kept with you, if that was me trying hard to declutter and more and more keeps coming back

But it's not fair to cause stress to you or your children like them bringing xmas presents between houses. You both have to figure out a compromise. Could you cut back on the amount of gifts, whilst still doing a fun xmas/doing it your way, and in turn she agrees to drop the whole 'all gifts at your house'thing?

Is it her who does most of the sorting/getting rid of/decluttering of their things or do you do any?

She can't dictate how you parent though and it does sound like she is doing so.

Why would you do that?

My 9 year old has SdJ sprays, they’re harmless. She has no phone, no SM, and was delighted to get them.

i don’t understand why you should be the ones to tell the kids they can’t take them home?

It’s her rule, she’s the messenger. Why won’t she tell them?

She’s being a total dick and a control freak. She needs to own her own mess.

This is what I was just about to say.

You need to get the kids to call their mother and she tells them they can't take their gifts home to hers. With you present to support them through the fall out obviously. If she doesn't want to be the bad guy then they take them home.

My ex took the kids shopping to choose their gifts a few days before Christmas and asked for and was given a list of the things I'd already got them and he proceeded to try and duplicate most of these items (isn't it funny how Daddy got the same Lego as Santa?). Thankfully it was a very general list and the Lego sets that got duplicated made my Son very happy because he now has a droid army. And my daughter's horse toys have some lovely accessories. Your GFs gifts sound lovely, my 8yo recently started wanting to do a night time routine so I just give her some of my face wash and moisturizer as they are good, gentle brands.

Or maybe she's just being a dick.

Sure, because there's no way a man could possibly be the reasonable one in any situation.

@As78 The skincare is fine and not remotely the point of the thread so ignore all the ridiculous comments.

This is what I meant in 302 less words.

She can get fucked

It’s clearly sol de janeiro.. which no self respecting 12 year old would be without!

OP you sound completely reasonable.

If the roles were reversed and you were the mum who wanted to do her own Christmas presents with the dad saying max 4 (boring) gifts rule, he’d be called out as controlling, tight, probably abusive and you’d be told you did well leaving the bastard (LTB).

It sounds like you already have some good boundaries in place re splitting things. Also credit to you for rebutting some of the suggestions on here that you’re just trying to show up your exw in some way. As for Christmas within reason given the exw is extreme in her views… you do you. She can’t tell you how to celebrate with your own family.

But she CAN tell tell the kids why they can’t bring their things over.

Let them decide who is being unreasonable quite frankly. It’s not you.

Edited: CAN not can’t!

She's been shown up because, by the sound of it, she's spending a total of £20 per kid and not even putting that much effort into what she chooses and doesn't like it that the kids have a much better time and get much nicer gifts from you.

"I don't need your input into the gifts I give. If you don't want the children to bring their gifts to yours, you can tell them yourself. Bye now, Merry Christmas."

That's all you need to say.

Social services will not get involved over something like this. I'm shocked that you think they would.

You have the same rights as her as patent and as long as you aren't doing / giving anything dangerous / inappropriate then she doesn't have the right to comment. She sounds very controlling and all about what she wants over the kids wants and needs. I'd let them pack their bags alone and whatever they put in so be it, she can be the bad one and refuse them in her house. Why should you be the person to break that news to them. Keep doing what you're doing you sound like a good dad and your gf and her family seem welcoming to them which is lovely too. You're allowed to have different traditions to the mum, you don't question her so she shouldn't question you.

@As78

Just looked this family up & keeping my fingers crossed she doesn't make the kids wear tie dye 🤞🏻