Page 7 | Argument with EX wife over gift giving for the children.

As78 · 2024-12-26T17:46:49+00:00

Hi, dad here in need of some advice about me and my ex wife's different views on Christmas presents. Apologies if it's too long, I'm just trying to explaine the whole issue with all details. 4 children 12, 9, 7 & 5, for Christmas ex wife follows the something you want, something you need, something to wear & something to read method of gift giving, so each child will get 4 gifts, as an example my 9 year old got Want - slime Need - swim goggles. Wear- t shirt Read- book (not sure what book) I do not follow this method of gift giving, it was ex wife's turn to have the kids on Christmas day so today I celebrated Christmas with my gf, my parents, her parents, both sets of siblings & the kids, so as you can imagine there was a lot more gifts. Around July time my ex spoke to me and asked me to follow her method of gift giving, I told her I wouldn't be doing this as we just needed to agree to disagree and respect each other's ways of doing things, she wouldn't let it drop and we ended up having an argument resulting in me refusing to discuss the issue with her anymore, I collected the kids at 8am this morning and she asked to have a private word, she proceeded to once again bring the issue up and ask that I only give the children 4 gifts, I was in no mood to speak about this again so I just walked away. Ex also doesn't do santa, In my house we do santa, not all the gifts are from him, just 1 gift and the stocking, it's just a bit of fun really. The kids had their gifts from me, 1 santa gift and then gifts from my parents and siblings, my gf and her family also got presents for them, it sounds like a lot but the kids each filled a box full of toys/books to donate to chairty at the end of novemeber to make room for new toys. Kids have spoke to mum on the phone and she's now called me in a mood telling me how out of order I am and that I'm going against her wishes, now I've remained calm on this matter and bit my tongue, then eventually just refusing to speak about it but I've finally snapped today on the phone and told her that's she's just annoyed because I'm giving the kids a good Christmas whilst on Xmas day they sat at hers with nothing more than a tshirt and some slime (it's not a money issue, she has money) now I shouldn't have snapped but I was at braking point with her being controlling and trying to tell me how to raise my kids on my time (50/50 custody) she has now text me to say that the kids aren't to bring any of the presents they have received to her house and they have all to stay at mine permanently, the kids usually bring favourite items between houses so this is going to be an issue. I don't even know what I'm asking, has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to move forward with this situation? My gf bought eldest some popular spray and skin items and I already know she's going to want to bring them between houses, no idea how to tell the kids they can't do this as it's their presents and they should be allowed to do as they please with them.

Original poster

As78 · 26/12/2024 21:55

MrsSunshine2b · 26/12/2024 21:52

If older one doesn't want to go, don't send her.

At 12, a court order is unlikely to force her to go.

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I'm meant to drop the kids off on Sunday but I will be messaging her on Sunday morning to tell her to collect the kids instead. I absolutely will not be forcing my eldest to go with her if she doesn't want to, as it's her who has caused all of this I will he leaving it up to the ex to find a way to happily get them to leave their presents and get them out of my house on Sunday

OP posts:

mammaCh · 26/12/2024 21:53

She can't dictate what you buy them.
Just tell the kids the truth, she won't let them. You haven't done anything wrong.
Good job they have you!

MrsSunshine2b · 26/12/2024 21:52

As78 · 26/12/2024 21:48

Have spoken to the older two kids, couldn't bring myself to tell the younger ones yet as they will cry and I didn't want them upset and crying at Christmas.

9 year old and 12 year old are gutted, 12 year old had a very grown up conversion about it but then as I predicted ended up getting upset and angry, 9 year old was holding back tears and just keeps saying it's not fair.

All the 9 year old got was slime, nothing else to do or play with so he's gutted at going home and having nothing new or exciting to do, 12 year old got colouring pens, socks, t shirt and book from her mum on Christmas day so she had absolutely nothing new to do, she didn't even get her a sketch book or colouring book to go with the pens.
Oldest has said she doesn't want to go to mums on Sunday as she understandably wants to stay in the house that has all her stuff.

Going to let the youngest two have a few more days of happiness before I tell them, but I already know I'm going to have to forcefully remove those monkeys from them.

For those still sticking up for her purely because she's the mother, just know that her partner took the kids shopping to each pick out gifts for her, and oldest has told me that he bought her jewellery and she treated herself to a new range rover but her kids sat with a shitty tub of slime and some pens on Christmas day.

Both older kids have now gone to their rooms upset, really not how I wanted to end what is our christmas day.

If older one doesn't want to go, don't send her.

At 12, a court order is unlikely to force her to go.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 26/12/2024 21:51

Lavenderfarmcottage · 26/12/2024 19:13

I could only afford one thing that my child really wanted - and a couple of small gifts. He was completely fine and pleased
and just overjoyed to be getting a watch. He knew I was on a budget and that he’s loved. I’m sure his Dad side of the family
will
buy him more
things and have also taken him on a fishing trip and holiday with all his cousins. I spent Christmas alone. I do not care. I care my kid is happy and gets the big family
experience. I care that he appreciates one gift that he really wanted and thought about and isn’t greedy or wasteful & was grateful.

I think people need to have more faith in children. They are smart and know that some people have more resources and give love in different ways.

I do not think gifts should be fought over. There’s nothing unsafe or extreme or cruel going on so what’s the issue. Just slightly different styles and values.

Edited

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Totally different situation.

Original poster

As78 · 26/12/2024 21:50

ScrollingLeaves · 26/12/2024 21:31

I can understand she would not want a whole pile more stuff at her house. I am sure this is what she meant, not that they can’t bring one favourite item when they are with her then take it away again. No doubt she wouldn’t mind the twelve year old’s skin care coming and going in her makeup or wash-bag.

As for the differences between you regarding the type and quantity of presents you each give the children, does she by any chance think you are spoiling them? Or think you are trying to be competitive?

She does seem to maybe be making too much fuss.

No that's not what she meant, she was shouting down the phone at me telling me that the kids aren't allowed to being a single one of their presents back to her house. I bought my kids normal gifts whilst she gave them a tub of slime, she used to buy them normal toys until she started following a yotube family and started parenting like them.

OP posts:

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 26/12/2024 21:50

Moveoverdarlin · 26/12/2024 19:11

I would continue to say ‘I respect your decision, but I DISAGREE. Swimming goggles, slime, a t-shirt and a book sounds really meagre, I want to spend more on my children. I’m sorry if that upsets you or you feel undermined, but we are all very fortunate and spoiling my children on Christmas Day is something I will do. We’re not talking quad bikes, laptops and Rolex’s for Christ sake. Sorry Jane, this is just one we’ll have to disagree on.’

Who buys their child swimming goggles for Christmas? They're something you'd buy as and when they needed them! And a t-shirt - it's a parent's responsibility to clothe their children. Different if it was some 'special' t-shirt that they'd wanted for a while? And slime - really??!

ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 26/12/2024 21:49

As78 · 26/12/2024 21:48

Have spoken to the older two kids, couldn't bring myself to tell the younger ones yet as they will cry and I didn't want them upset and crying at Christmas.

9 year old and 12 year old are gutted, 12 year old had a very grown up conversion about it but then as I predicted ended up getting upset and angry, 9 year old was holding back tears and just keeps saying it's not fair.

All the 9 year old got was slime, nothing else to do or play with so he's gutted at going home and having nothing new or exciting to do, 12 year old got colouring pens, socks, t shirt and book from her mum on Christmas day so she had absolutely nothing new to do, she didn't even get her a sketch book or colouring book to go with the pens.
Oldest has said she doesn't want to go to mums on Sunday as she understandably wants to stay in the house that has all her stuff.

Going to let the youngest two have a few more days of happiness before I tell them, but I already know I'm going to have to forcefully remove those monkeys from them.

For those still sticking up for her purely because she's the mother, just know that her partner took the kids shopping to each pick out gifts for her, and oldest has told me that he bought her jewellery and she treated herself to a new range rover but her kids sat with a shitty tub of slime and some pens on Christmas day.

Both older kids have now gone to their rooms upset, really not how I wanted to end what is our christmas day.

What a shit time to tell them?

Original poster

As78 · 26/12/2024 21:48

Have spoken to the older two kids, couldn't bring myself to tell the younger ones yet as they will cry and I didn't want them upset and crying at Christmas.

9 year old and 12 year old are gutted, 12 year old had a very grown up conversion about it but then as I predicted ended up getting upset and angry, 9 year old was holding back tears and just keeps saying it's not fair.

All the 9 year old got was slime, nothing else to do or play with so he's gutted at going home and having nothing new or exciting to do, 12 year old got colouring pens, socks, t shirt and book from her mum on Christmas day so she had absolutely nothing new to do, she didn't even get her a sketch book or colouring book to go with the pens.
Oldest has said she doesn't want to go to mums on Sunday as she understandably wants to stay in the house that has all her stuff.

Going to let the youngest two have a few more days of happiness before I tell them, but I already know I'm going to have to forcefully remove those monkeys from them.

For those still sticking up for her purely because she's the mother, just know that her partner took the kids shopping to each pick out gifts for her, and oldest has told me that he bought her jewellery and she treated herself to a new range rover but her kids sat with a shitty tub of slime and some pens on Christmas day.

Both older kids have now gone to their rooms upset, really not how I wanted to end what is our christmas day.

OP posts:

Onceuponatime9 · 26/12/2024 21:47

rightinthedavinamccalls · 26/12/2024 20:00

Social services will not get involved over something like this. I'm shocked that you think they would.

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Again I have clarified it's not just about the gifts. It's the bigger picture with EXs fighting over simple situations which collectively harm a child's mental health. Families breakdown,marriages breakdown. The least the adults involved can do is be amicable for the sake of the children.

MrsSunshine2b · 26/12/2024 21:45

Funandnames · 26/12/2024 20:50

Something doesn’t add up to me. For example, you say your girlfriend bought your 12 year old ‘special spray and skin items’? Do you mean make up and skincare/anti-aging products? Is your ex wife not in agreement with your daughter using these until she is older?

Is the blending of families feeling fast for your ex wife?

Edited

Her Dad has exactly the same right to choose what is appropriate for his daughter. His relationship status is none of the ex-wife's business, unless she has a good reason to think the gf poses a serious safeguarding risk.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 26/12/2024 21:44

Twittable · 26/12/2024 18:56

Why don’t they just take four things back if she’s so keen on four things? Something your eldest wants - skincare, needs - iPad…etc? Could that be a way round it?

I loosely follow the four things but, in reality, it’s only because I want everyone to have a book! Without that rule no books would ever appear on their lists 😂

Mine always got books, plural, without having that stupid 4 things shit! Until they were a lot older and stopped reading much...!

Dweetfidilove · 26/12/2024 21:43

I'm sorry you're having to co-parent with such a control freak, but re that request, do nothing.

Let the children take what they want and she can stop them. She doesn't get to make you the mean one here.
She'll alienate them if she keeps those foolishness up, so I'm hoping you have room for them when they start marching ☹️.

Soontobe60 · 26/12/2024 21:37

BigCarMistake · 26/12/2024 18:22

You can buy what you like for your own house but dont expect to be able to dictate what does/doesn’t go to her house. Like most children they likely have far too much stuff and I wouldnt be thrilled with having to have smellies brought home that wouldnt be to my taste. My ex husband bought DS lynx which he knows will be binned if sprayed in my house.

Edited

Why would you bin something that doesn’t belong to you? Great parenting!

JohnofWessex · 26/12/2024 21:37

I dont know what PCP deals are like but a Kia Sorento 7 seater starts at £41K compared with £100K plus for a Range Rover

Bertielong3 · 26/12/2024 21:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

MrsCarson · 26/12/2024 21:35

hattie43 · 26/12/2024 21:34

You are giving your kids a far better Christmas than she is . Keep doing your way

Agreed.
Your ex sounds bonkers trying to style her kids life on an influencer family, who are putting on a show.
Slime only for Christmas sounds like a stocking stuffer not a main gift.

hattie43 · 26/12/2024 21:34

You are giving your kids a far better Christmas than she is . Keep doing your way

ScrollingLeaves · 26/12/2024 21:31

I can understand she would not want a whole pile more stuff at her house. I am sure this is what she meant, not that they can’t bring one favourite item when they are with her then take it away again. No doubt she wouldn’t mind the twelve year old’s skin care coming and going in her makeup or wash-bag.

As for the differences between you regarding the type and quantity of presents you each give the children, does she by any chance think you are spoiling them? Or think you are trying to be competitive?

She does seem to maybe be making too much fuss.

LoudSnoringDog · 26/12/2024 21:24

As78 · 26/12/2024 21:19

It's sad to see that some of you are desperately trying to make out that I'm a terrible parent purely because I'm a dad. Yeah my wife buys herself a brand new range rover whilst getting her kid a tub of slime for Christmas day but I'm apparently the problem. I'm off to tell my older kids that they aren't allowed to bring their presents back to mums, thank you for all the helpful comments, I will update later.

You are not in the wrong here

Some of the women responding on here are an embarrassment.

Original poster

As78 · 26/12/2024 21:19

It's sad to see that some of you are desperately trying to make out that I'm a terrible parent purely because I'm a dad. Yeah my wife buys herself a brand new range rover whilst getting her kid a tub of slime for Christmas day but I'm apparently the problem. I'm off to tell my older kids that they aren't allowed to bring their presents back to mums, thank you for all the helpful comments, I will update later.

OP posts:

MillyGoat · 26/12/2024 21:15

As78 · 26/12/2024 21:06

I know my ex wife's financial circumstances, she's well off. And nope I replace the batteries in my kids toys when they run out as I enjoy seeing my kids happy. And no my GF does not parent my kids, I spend 50% of the time with them and their loud toys. Every child in my 12 year old class has a smartphone, she's almost 13. And yes both her phone and iPad have parent controls and screen time limits on them. Any other questions you'd like to ask to desperately try and make out that I'm a bad dad?

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OP you don’t need to defend or justify yourself to people like this.

Stretchanoctave · 26/12/2024 21:13

If you have the kids 50% of the time then I don’t see the big deal about them taking the toys etc home. Just use them at your house and she can use stuff she buys at her house.

AlertCat · 26/12/2024 21:09

anyolddinosaur · 26/12/2024 21:02

Buying a car capable of transporting 4 growing children does not mean she has plenty of money. And 2 new toys will be making a lot of noise - if you've never been grateful for the batteries running out then you are not spending 50% of the time with your kids you're getting someone else (the gf?) to parent them part of the time.

My kid didnt have a smart phone at 12. Have you put any parental controls on the ipad?

Oh come on, a new Range Rover is not just “a car capable of transporting four children”. It’s not an efficient or cheap car, it’s a car which people only buy if they have plenty of money!

The other points you raise don’t seem to be relevant to the central issue which is that the mother doesn’t want ANY of her kids’ presents to come back to her house because they don’t fit into her somewhat bizarre and rigid rules.

Original poster

As78 · 26/12/2024 21:06

anyolddinosaur · 26/12/2024 21:02

Buying a car capable of transporting 4 growing children does not mean she has plenty of money. And 2 new toys will be making a lot of noise - if you've never been grateful for the batteries running out then you are not spending 50% of the time with your kids you're getting someone else (the gf?) to parent them part of the time.

My kid didnt have a smart phone at 12. Have you put any parental controls on the ipad?

I know my ex wife's financial circumstances, she's well off. And nope I replace the batteries in my kids toys when they run out as I enjoy seeing my kids happy. And no my GF does not parent my kids, I spend 50% of the time with them and their loud toys. Every child in my 12 year old class has a smartphone, she's almost 13. And yes both her phone and iPad have parent controls and screen time limits on them. Any other questions you'd like to ask to desperately try and make out that I'm a bad dad?

OP posts:

anyolddinosaur · 26/12/2024 21:02

Buying a car capable of transporting 4 growing children does not mean she has plenty of money. And 2 new toys will be making a lot of noise - if you've never been grateful for the batteries running out then you are not spending 50% of the time with your kids you're getting someone else (the gf?) to parent them part of the time.

My kid didnt have a smart phone at 12. Have you put any parental controls on the ipad?