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Original poster

Argument with EX wife over gift giving for the children.

317 replies

As78 · 26/12/2024 17:46

Hi, dad here in need of some advice about me and my ex wife's different views on Christmas presents. Apologies if it's too long, I'm just trying to explaine the whole issue with all details.

4 children 12, 9, 7 & 5, for Christmas ex wife follows the something you want, something you need, something to wear & something to read method of gift giving, so each child will get 4 gifts, as an example my 9 year old got

Want - slime
Need - swim goggles.
Wear- t shirt
Read- book (not sure what book)

I do not follow this method of gift giving, it was ex wife's turn to have the kids on Christmas day so today I celebrated Christmas with my gf, my parents, her parents, both sets of siblings & the kids, so as you can imagine there was a lot more gifts. Around July time my ex spoke to me and asked me to follow her method of gift giving, I told her I wouldn't be doing this as we just needed to agree to disagree and respect each other's ways of doing things, she wouldn't let it drop and we ended up having an argument resulting in me refusing to discuss the issue with her anymore, I collected the kids at 8am this morning and she asked to have a private word, she proceeded to once again bring the issue up and ask that I only give the children 4 gifts, I was in no mood to speak about this again so I just walked away.

Ex also doesn't do santa, In my house we do santa, not all the gifts are from him, just 1 gift and the stocking, it's just a bit of fun really. The kids had their gifts from me, 1 santa gift and then gifts from my parents and siblings, my gf and her family also got presents for them, it sounds like a lot but the kids each filled a box full of toys/books to donate to chairty at the end of novemeber to make room for new toys.

Kids have spoke to mum on the phone and she's now called me in a mood telling me how out of order I am and that I'm going against her wishes, now I've remained calm on this matter and bit my tongue, then eventually just refusing to speak about it but I've finally snapped today on the phone and told her that's she's just annoyed because I'm giving the kids a good Christmas whilst on Xmas day they sat at hers with nothing more than a tshirt and some slime (it's not a money issue, she has money) now I shouldn't have snapped but I was at braking point with her being controlling and trying to tell me how to raise my kids on my time (50/50 custody) she has now text me to say that the kids aren't to bring any of the presents they have received to her house and they have all to stay at mine permanently, the kids usually bring favourite items between houses so this is going to be an issue.

I don't even know what I'm asking, has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to move forward with this situation? My gf bought eldest some popular spray and skin items and I already know she's going to want to bring them between houses, no idea how to tell the kids they can't do this as it's their presents and they should be allowed to do as they please with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
As78 · 26/12/2024 23:32

valentinka31 · 26/12/2024 23:29

i can see why you aren't with her 🙄

It's sad really as we used to have a great marriage and had many happy Christmas days together. It's sad how things can end up like this

OP posts:
Original poster
As78 · 26/12/2024 23:31

MrsWhites · 26/12/2024 23:26

Some of you are shamefully trying to convince yourselves that the OP is a bad father just because he’s divorced basically.

If this was a post from a mum about a dad, you’d all be tearing him apart, what a terrible, selfish bastard he is blah blah blah!

Sexism works both ways!

The op sounds like a kind and loving father, that’s not to suggest the mother isn’t loving just because she gave less presents at Christmas but come on, she’s just being spiteful here and throwing her kids under a bus to try and prove a point against her ex-husband because she sees it as him making her look bad. That’s on her, she can’t expect him to gift his children no more than a t shirt and fucking swimming goggles because that’s what suits her. Not to mention trying to dictate what other family members gift the kids too!

Thank you. Her parents used to buy the kids a big item for Christmas, like scooters or bikes, ride on toys or a bug garden item, they are still allowed to buy the kids a gift but it has to be clothing or books, she may allow them to get the kids something small like bubbles or paint

OP posts:
valentinka31 · 26/12/2024 23:29

i can see why you aren't with her 🙄

MrsWhites · 26/12/2024 23:26

Some of you are shamefully trying to convince yourselves that the OP is a bad father just because he’s divorced basically.

If this was a post from a mum about a dad, you’d all be tearing him apart, what a terrible, selfish bastard he is blah blah blah!

Sexism works both ways!

The op sounds like a kind and loving father, that’s not to suggest the mother isn’t loving just because she gave less presents at Christmas but come on, she’s just being spiteful here and throwing her kids under a bus to try and prove a point against her ex-husband because she sees it as him making her look bad. That’s on her, she can’t expect him to gift his children no more than a t shirt and fucking swimming goggles because that’s what suits her. Not to mention trying to dictate what other family members gift the kids too!

Original poster
As78 · 26/12/2024 23:25

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/12/2024 23:13

“Going against her wishes” - she’s acting like you’re a babysitter, not an equal parent.

It’s always hard when you’re divorced of course, but each parent just has to try and realise that the other one will have their own way of doing things (as it sounds like you are).

The only thing I wondered is if she’s worried about her gifts being overshadowed by yours - does she have a much lower income than yours? I know she still can’t dictate to you, but it would explain things a bit.

Re the taking things back to hers, you can’t force her to let them, but it does seem a shame.

She's very wealthy, has a lot of money and also lives in the family home that has been fully paid off, she never used to be like this, she used to buy the kids Christmas mugs and pjs, she'd get them personalised gifts and big items like play kitchens, she started watching a youtube family some years ago who do the 4 gift thing and from that point on she's followed that way of gift giving. I've no issue with the 4 gift thing but slime and pens as their only real present is very poor in my opinion

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 26/12/2024 23:14

Sounds crappy for the kids. If she keeps this up then they will all ask to live with you 100% of the time. At around age 12, a judge would deem a child capable of deciding how much contact they had with each parent.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/12/2024 23:13

“Going against her wishes” - she’s acting like you’re a babysitter, not an equal parent.

It’s always hard when you’re divorced of course, but each parent just has to try and realise that the other one will have their own way of doing things (as it sounds like you are).

The only thing I wondered is if she’s worried about her gifts being overshadowed by yours - does she have a much lower income than yours? I know she still can’t dictate to you, but it would explain things a bit.

Re the taking things back to hers, you can’t force her to let them, but it does seem a shame.

Original poster
As78 · 26/12/2024 23:13

We teach kids not to bully or be mean yet there is grown bloody adults on this thread being nasty and snobby about children having some lynx, bloody ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
As78 · 26/12/2024 23:11

Kids are all asleep. I'm not going to discuss it with ex wife anymore, she can come here on Sunday and deal with the fall out of it all. They aren't spoiled children , they each cleared out a box of toys in november to make way for new ones at Christmas, they are just little kids with a normal amount of toys at my house. Luckily it's my turn to have them Christmas day next year.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 26/12/2024 23:06

@mainecooncatonahottinroof

A young teen boy that willingly showers twice a day? Pull the other one lol!

DS spends around 30 mins every evening in the shower & wears really nice after shave - Bleu de Chanel, Paco Rabanne. All his friends wear expensive cologne & don’t have Lynx. He's 15 & it seems quite common among his friend group.

OhcantthInkofaname · 26/12/2024 22:52

I'm one of the four gifts person, but far more substantial than those she chose. My choices were - when my youngest was twelve he got expensive trainers, the want; tablet, the need; leather team jacket, the wearable; a set of graphic novel series, the read.

You don't have to do cheap without setting up unreasonable expectations for the future.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 26/12/2024 22:48

@As78 dont know why mum would go daft at an ipad! my grandaughter needed one when she went to a new school at 10 years old. they all have to use them in class!

Looloolullabelle · 26/12/2024 22:28

OP, I think your ex wife sounds like a fun sponge. My DD is 9, can’t imagine her waking up to a tshirt, book, slime and goggles Christmas morning. How miserable.
I get Christmas is expensive but that just sounds completely shit.

You sound kind and level headed and a fab dad to your kids. Keep doing what you’re doing and don’t let anyone change that xx

Original poster
As78 · 26/12/2024 22:28

Endofyear · 26/12/2024 22:25

She's obviously being very unreasonable and I'm assuming that she is motivated by resentment of you and the poor children are caught in the fall out. She doesn't have any right to make demands about what you buy the children for Christmas but unfortunately she can stop them bringing said items into her house. I would be honest with the children and let her deal with them being angry and upset with her. If she carries on like this she will alienate them to the point where they won't want to spend time at her house. Is the 50/50 custody court-ordered?

Tbh I don't think it's resentment, we split when she was pregnant with put youngest, she had gradually started to change, her values changed etc. I know it's mad but that ridiculous youtube family she follows has a big part to play in the way she's behaving. Yes 50/50 is court ordered, she didn't want to go through the court but I wanted it to be official as wanted to make sure I'd always have equal access to them

OP posts:
DinosaurMunch · 26/12/2024 22:28

Motherrr · 26/12/2024 20:30

Tbh I can see why she would want to keep presents minimal especially with 4 kids - there must be an insane amount of stuff which can be totally overwhelming. Christmas should be about the day and not just about the presents, and it does teach kids to appreciate what they have more when they aren't bombarded by more and more. And really tbh if I was her I would want extra stuff to be kept with you, if that was me trying hard to declutter and more and more keeps coming back

But it's not fair to cause stress to you or your children like them bringing xmas presents between houses. You both have to figure out a compromise. Could you cut back on the amount of gifts, whilst still doing a fun xmas/doing it your way, and in turn she agrees to drop the whole 'all gifts at your house'thing?

Is it her who does most of the sorting/getting rid of/decluttering of their things or do you do any?

She can't dictate how you parent though and it does sound like she is doing so.

Skin care products are hardly clutter that's going to take up loads of space.
If the kids can't keep their things at home it's not really home, is it. I can't imagine telling my kids they can't bring their most treasured possessions into their home. Of course there might have to be discussions about storage or getting rid of older toys.

Unless it's a dog or a pony or a trampoline obviously

Also how can the OP possibly declutter his ex's house?

Endofyear · 26/12/2024 22:25

She's obviously being very unreasonable and I'm assuming that she is motivated by resentment of you and the poor children are caught in the fall out. She doesn't have any right to make demands about what you buy the children for Christmas but unfortunately she can stop them bringing said items into her house. I would be honest with the children and let her deal with them being angry and upset with her. If she carries on like this she will alienate them to the point where they won't want to spend time at her house. Is the 50/50 custody court-ordered?

Rubix89 · 26/12/2024 22:12

Ultimately, it’s up to the parents how they handle gift-giving, and I don’t feel it’s my place to judge. That said, I think your ex-wife is being quite unfair. She’s entitled to make her own choices, but so are you. My ex and I discuss gifts for the kids, and luckily we are generally on the same page in regards to Christmas. I could be wrong but it seems that your ex’s actions seem more about control and could hurt the kids in the long run. If she keeps this up, she may risk distancing herself from them as they get older. I’d try to discuss this one more time for the kids sake, encourage her to reconsider and think about the impact on the children. If it bothers her that much then maybe she isn’t as happy with her gift approach as she seems to be.

Ohnobackagain · 26/12/2024 22:06

@As78 get the ex to tell the youngest they can’t bring any of ‘your’ gifts home. Let her be bad cop since she’s the one being ridiculous.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 26/12/2024 22:04

anyolddinosaur · 26/12/2024 21:02

Buying a car capable of transporting 4 growing children does not mean she has plenty of money. And 2 new toys will be making a lot of noise - if you've never been grateful for the batteries running out then you are not spending 50% of the time with your kids you're getting someone else (the gf?) to parent them part of the time.

My kid didnt have a smart phone at 12. Have you put any parental controls on the ipad?

Oh ffs - you don't need a "new Range Rover" for that, catch a grip! god some people will make excuses for anything!

I knew very few children who didn't have a smart phone at 12.

Original poster
As78 · 26/12/2024 22:02

MrsSunshine2b · 26/12/2024 21:59

Btw, what are the monkeys called? I want one for my daughter, they sound lovely!

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furReal peanut the playful monkey. My girls have named them taylor (after taylor swift) and jam.

OP posts:
mainecooncatonahottinroof · 26/12/2024 22:02

BigCarMistake · 26/12/2024 20:55

Because it’s awful stuff? Obviously I wouldn’t ´just’ bin it but I’ve said that we don’t use products like that in this house, and whilst I can’t tell him not to use it at ex husband s house, it’s not to be used here. I prefer that he showers properly twice a day, wears clean clothes and uses quality toiletry products. Spraying teenagers with Lynx to mask poor hygiène is not parenting.

As it’s my home, and not a radical view point, I’m happy to have my own rules for my own home.

In this case, just keep the stuff at Ops house. It’s 50/50 and the stuff is still going to get used. For the younger children, I’d say something about the monkey’s home being with you. I don’t see why you’re so opinionated about what she does/doesn’t do at her house. Similarly she shouldnt have told you how to celebrate your Christmas.

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A young teen boy that willingly showers twice a day? Pull the other one lol!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 26/12/2024 22:00

Funandnames · 26/12/2024 20:50

Something doesn’t add up to me. For example, you say your girlfriend bought your 12 year old ‘special spray and skin items’? Do you mean make up and skincare/anti-aging products? Is your ex wife not in agreement with your daughter using these until she is older?

Is the blending of families feeling fast for your ex wife?

Edited

Do you have any knowledge of 12/13 year olds??

MrsSunshine2b · 26/12/2024 21:59

As78 · 26/12/2024 21:55

I'm meant to drop the kids off on Sunday but I will be messaging her on Sunday morning to tell her to collect the kids instead. I absolutely will not be forcing my eldest to go with her if she doesn't want to, as it's her who has caused all of this I will he leaving it up to the ex to find a way to happily get them to leave their presents and get them out of my house on Sunday

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Btw, what are the monkeys called? I want one for my daughter, they sound lovely!

TwinklyAmberOrca · 26/12/2024 21:58

As78 · 26/12/2024 21:48

Have spoken to the older two kids, couldn't bring myself to tell the younger ones yet as they will cry and I didn't want them upset and crying at Christmas.

9 year old and 12 year old are gutted, 12 year old had a very grown up conversion about it but then as I predicted ended up getting upset and angry, 9 year old was holding back tears and just keeps saying it's not fair.

All the 9 year old got was slime, nothing else to do or play with so he's gutted at going home and having nothing new or exciting to do, 12 year old got colouring pens, socks, t shirt and book from her mum on Christmas day so she had absolutely nothing new to do, she didn't even get her a sketch book or colouring book to go with the pens.
Oldest has said she doesn't want to go to mums on Sunday as she understandably wants to stay in the house that has all her stuff.

Going to let the youngest two have a few more days of happiness before I tell them, but I already know I'm going to have to forcefully remove those monkeys from them.

For those still sticking up for her purely because she's the mother, just know that her partner took the kids shopping to each pick out gifts for her, and oldest has told me that he bought her jewellery and she treated herself to a new range rover but her kids sat with a shitty tub of slime and some pens on Christmas day.

Both older kids have now gone to their rooms upset, really not how I wanted to end what is our christmas day.

You sound like an amazing dad.

It's sad your ex is behaving like this. She is clearly not putting the kids first.

I'd tell the younger kids in advance but make it clear that it's their mums choice and what she wants so not your choice. Make it clear that if she changes her mind then you have no issues with them taking the toys with them.

I'm a big believer in the 4 gift thing but mine also get santa stockings with so much craft stuff and things to do!

7yo7yo · 26/12/2024 21:57

Life with their mum must be so miserable.
my daughter is the same as yours and got exactly the same skin care and perfume.
FWIW I think you sound like a great dad.