Page 3 | Argument with EX wife over gift giving for the children.

As78 · 2024-12-26T17:46:49+00:00

Hi, dad here in need of some advice about me and my ex wife's different views on Christmas presents. Apologies if it's too long, I'm just trying to explaine the whole issue with all details. 4 children 12, 9, 7 & 5, for Christmas ex wife follows the something you want, something you need, something to wear & something to read method of gift giving, so each child will get 4 gifts, as an example my 9 year old got Want - slime Need - swim goggles. Wear- t shirt Read- book (not sure what book) I do not follow this method of gift giving, it was ex wife's turn to have the kids on Christmas day so today I celebrated Christmas with my gf, my parents, her parents, both sets of siblings & the kids, so as you can imagine there was a lot more gifts. Around July time my ex spoke to me and asked me to follow her method of gift giving, I told her I wouldn't be doing this as we just needed to agree to disagree and respect each other's ways of doing things, she wouldn't let it drop and we ended up having an argument resulting in me refusing to discuss the issue with her anymore, I collected the kids at 8am this morning and she asked to have a private word, she proceeded to once again bring the issue up and ask that I only give the children 4 gifts, I was in no mood to speak about this again so I just walked away. Ex also doesn't do santa, In my house we do santa, not all the gifts are from him, just 1 gift and the stocking, it's just a bit of fun really. The kids had their gifts from me, 1 santa gift and then gifts from my parents and siblings, my gf and her family also got presents for them, it sounds like a lot but the kids each filled a box full of toys/books to donate to chairty at the end of novemeber to make room for new toys. Kids have spoke to mum on the phone and she's now called me in a mood telling me how out of order I am and that I'm going against her wishes, now I've remained calm on this matter and bit my tongue, then eventually just refusing to speak about it but I've finally snapped today on the phone and told her that's she's just annoyed because I'm giving the kids a good Christmas whilst on Xmas day they sat at hers with nothing more than a tshirt and some slime (it's not a money issue, she has money) now I shouldn't have snapped but I was at braking point with her being controlling and trying to tell me how to raise my kids on my time (50/50 custody) she has now text me to say that the kids aren't to bring any of the presents they have received to her house and they have all to stay at mine permanently, the kids usually bring favourite items between houses so this is going to be an issue. I don't even know what I'm asking, has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to move forward with this situation? My gf bought eldest some popular spray and skin items and I already know she's going to want to bring them between houses, no idea how to tell the kids they can't do this as it's their presents and they should be allowed to do as they please with them.

WinterBones · 27/12/2024 19:48

Lostcat · 27/12/2024 19:40

Without her children? Right,

what is wrong with people on this thread!!

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You tell me, because i didn't say anything about without the children.

Mamasperspective · 27/12/2024 19:47

Just tell her that as an ex, she can no longer dictate what the kids do and have on your time. Her time is none of your business and your time is none of her business. You exist in each others lives to co-parent, not dictate what the other HAS to do

Yummybumble · 27/12/2024 19:44

Headingtowardsdivorce · 26/12/2024 17:55

no idea how to tell the kids they can't do this

Don't tell them. Let her tell them, it's her rule, not yours.

100% this! We had some wackadoodle demands over the years which all ultimately stem from the facts she perceived them as ‘her children’ and my husband is an annoying interference who babysits them 50% of the time.

I wouldn’t ever talk badly about her to them, but rather say to her: I understand we do things differently but we have always been fluid with the things that go between houses, I won’t tell them they aren’t allowed to bring them. However if you wish to discuss this with them either on the phone, in advance or during your days then I would find that disappointing but respect your decision.

Also, is the gf relatively new/new as in a Christmas addition- could any of this stem from a dislike over her involvement with the children?

We always said to the kids that having your parents divorce is pants but you do get two lots of gifts at Christmas and birthdays - there are few benefits but this is one!

Lostcat · 27/12/2024 19:43

WinterBones · 27/12/2024 19:23

i didn't miss it, and i don't think he was explicit about if he is paying the mortgage on the family home, or if its his own mortgage he is paying on where he lives now.. he just said the agreement was the family home was hers until the kids were adults and would then be sold.

There is nothing sinister about that, its quite a common agreement in divorce settlements.

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I don’t think the poster was suggesting the arrangement was sinister , I think she was trying to suggest that ex doesn’t have a right to any boundaries in her home because it’s not really her house, it belongs to the children and she’s just “allowed” to stay there through the generosity of OP,

Lostcat · 27/12/2024 19:40

WinterBones · 27/12/2024 19:24

im sure she is free to move out if she doesn't like it.

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Without her children? Right,

what is wrong with people on this thread!!

croydon15 · 27/12/2024 19:35

I'm not impressed with 4 gifts only inc clothing etc she sounds mad, the kids will want to stay with you full time, is it a consideration in the future, she will only have herself to blame.

BunnyLake · 27/12/2024 19:26

She’s far too controlling. What a fun sponge she is. I think your Christmas sounds lovely. I can’t really give advice, just do what you’re doing, you’re doing nothing wrong.

WinterBones · 27/12/2024 19:24

Lostcat · 27/12/2024 19:05

My friend also caught something most of us missed. It isn't the ex's home - It's the children's home that she is allowed to reside in until the youngest reaches the age of majority. Then it will be sold. Dad is still paying the mortgage.

Under his eye.

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im sure she is free to move out if she doesn't like it.

WinterBones · 27/12/2024 19:23

OhcantthInkofaname · 27/12/2024 18:18

I am in the US and was talking over this post with a friend last night. She ascribes to my version of the 4 gifts.

My friend also caught something most of us missed. It isn't the ex's home - It's the children's home that she is allowed to reside in until the youngest reaches the age of majority. Then it will be sold. Dad is still paying the mortgage.

i didn't miss it, and i don't think he was explicit about if he is paying the mortgage on the family home, or if its his own mortgage he is paying on where he lives now.. he just said the agreement was the family home was hers until the kids were adults and would then be sold.

There is nothing sinister about that, its quite a common agreement in divorce settlements.

Lostcat · 27/12/2024 19:05

OhcantthInkofaname · 27/12/2024 18:18

I am in the US and was talking over this post with a friend last night. She ascribes to my version of the 4 gifts.

My friend also caught something most of us missed. It isn't the ex's home - It's the children's home that she is allowed to reside in until the youngest reaches the age of majority. Then it will be sold. Dad is still paying the mortgage.

Under his eye.

Deadbeatex · 27/12/2024 18:46

I can see why she's your ex! Please update on Sunday if she continues her stance on this or not, hopefully not as its the DC that will be most upset by it.
My EXH bought my DS a drum kit for Christmas, I assume to piss me off, but I've honestly enjoyed watching him play with it as it's given him so much joy. However even if I hated it, its not about me it's about my son

SpiritOfEcstasy · 27/12/2024 18:44

What you buy your DCs and
any ‘gift buying ethos’ is none of her business but as you have 50/50 custody your gifts ought to stay in your home. My ExH regularly bought my DD gifts that he attempted to pack them off home with … he had zero consideration that my home was at storage capacity while he maintained a bachelor pad that had no evidence he was a Father at all.

LalaPaloosa2024 · 27/12/2024 18:41

This is very weird. I have no idea what my ex H gave our daughter for Christmas and wouldn’t ever discuss it with him, before or after the day.

Your ex wife sounds very controlling.

pineapplesundae · 27/12/2024 18:31

I see why you’re divorced! Is she controlling in all aspects? Unfortunately, she the thinks she’s right, she’s not, and so will dig her heels in. When the kids complain about not having their favorite things, perhaps she will relent. So sorry you have to deal with this.

OhcantthInkofaname · 27/12/2024 18:18

I am in the US and was talking over this post with a friend last night. She ascribes to my version of the 4 gifts.

My friend also caught something most of us missed. It isn't the ex's home - It's the children's home that she is allowed to reside in until the youngest reaches the age of majority. Then it will be sold. Dad is still paying the mortgage.

Lostcat · 27/12/2024 16:29

hideawayforever · 27/12/2024 15:38

Wow, what a hypocritical, controlling, tight arse bitch she sounds. why doesn't she follow the 4 rules for her own gifts... fkn hypocrite. As others have said you can follow the 4 rules and give better presents.
Who gives their kids slime and goggles as their main xmas present, they're stocking fillers, unless they were really struggling for money, which she definitely isn't, and to not let them bring the presents home.
she sounds awful. She sounds a krank.
thank god the kids have more normal presents from you. I feel sorry for them with a mother like that. But you'll get a lot of hate on here just because you're a man, there's a lot of bitter women around on MN.

Wow, what a hypocritical, controlling, tight arse bitch

she sounds awful. She sounds a krank

I feel sorry for them with a mother like that

But you'll get a lot of hate on here…because you're a man

😂😂😂😭😭😭😭😭😭

hideawayforever · 27/12/2024 15:38

Wow, what a hypocritical, controlling, tight arse bitch she sounds. why doesn't she follow the 4 rules for her own gifts... fkn hypocrite. As others have said you can follow the 4 rules and give better presents.
Who gives their kids slime and goggles as their main xmas present, they're stocking fillers, unless they were really struggling for money, which she definitely isn't, and to not let them bring the presents home.
she sounds awful. She sounds a krank.
thank god the kids have more normal presents from you. I feel sorry for them with a mother like that. But you'll get a lot of hate on here just because you're a man, there's a lot of bitter women around on MN.

PicaK · 27/12/2024 14:50

You are being as rude about her Xmas gift giving as she is about yours.
Do you have a larger house?
My ex is often buying enormous cuddly toys that end up at mine. I have put my foot down.
You left when she was pregnant but do the Disney dad thing and have a gf. I can see where her annoyance comes from. Your 50/50 - is it actually or do you do weekends and she does most of the grunt word side of parenting?
You both need a bit more respect for the other tbh.

Lostcat · 27/12/2024 14:48

rightinthedavinamccalls · 27/12/2024 14:36

And there's nothing wrong with not following the 4 gift rule. Where did OP claim to be the world's greatest dad? I must have missed that. Parenting tips from social media from experts or qualified people is not the same as taking tips from a crazy Youtuber. Some of these people are unhinged.

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And there's nothing wrong with not following the 4 gift rule

Sure. And that is why no one on this thread is calling OP batshit crazy for his choice of Christmas gifts. Nor should they.

hideawayforever · 27/12/2024 14:47

BigCarMistake · 26/12/2024 18:22

You can buy what you like for your own house but dont expect to be able to dictate what does/doesn’t go to her house. Like most children they likely have far too much stuff and I wouldnt be thrilled with having to have smellies brought home that wouldnt be to my taste. My ex husband bought DS lynx which he knows will be binned if sprayed in my house.

Edited

It's not all about you, you know.

rightinthedavinamccalls · 27/12/2024 14:36

Lostcat · 27/12/2024 14:29

Lots of people do the 4 gifts thing- it’s regularly suggested on mumsnet! There’s nothing wrong with taking a less materialistic approach to gift giving, or getting parenting tips from social media; hardly makes someone batshit crazy, any more than buying your kid an iPad , and getting your gf to pick out skin care products makes you the worlds greatest dad.

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And there's nothing wrong with not following the 4 gift rule. Where did OP claim to be the world's greatest dad? I must have missed that. Parenting tips from social media from experts or qualified people is not the same as taking tips from a crazy Youtuber. Some of these people are unhinged.

Lostcat · 27/12/2024 14:29

rightinthedavinamccalls · 27/12/2024 14:25

I think anyone who follows advice on how to bring up kids from a Youtuber is definitely going down the 'batshit crazy' path.

(Qualified experts may be an exception but this doesn't sound like that)

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Lots of people do the 4 gifts thing- it’s regularly suggested on mumsnet! There’s nothing wrong with taking a less materialistic approach to gift giving, or getting parenting tips from social media; hardly makes someone batshit crazy, any more than buying your kid an iPad , and getting your gf to pick out skin care products makes you the worlds greatest dad.

rightinthedavinamccalls · 27/12/2024 14:25

Lostcat · 27/12/2024 14:11

Oh yes the poor OP who has had the vast , vast majority of responders on this thread blowing smoke up his arse about what an amazing dad he is, and validating his perspective that his ex is just another batshit crazy bitch. Poor men. What a rough lot they have in life.

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I think anyone who follows advice on how to bring up kids from a Youtuber is definitely going down the 'batshit crazy' path.

(Qualified experts may be an exception but this doesn't sound like that)

Lostcat · 27/12/2024 14:11

Rosscameasdoody · 27/12/2024 14:02

Wow. A father comes on here asking how he does his best for his kids in a situation like this - created solely by his ex - and still gets called a Disney dad. Men really can’t win here can they ?

Oh yes the poor OP who has had the vast , vast majority of responders on this thread blowing smoke up his arse about what an amazing dad he is, and validating his perspective that his ex is just another batshit crazy bitch. Poor men. What a rough lot they have in life.

anyolddinosaur · 27/12/2024 14:09

Sorry folks - but you are all being had. This paragon of virtue does not exist and neither does his wife. The toys, however, do.