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Original poster

Argument with EX wife over gift giving for the children.

317 replies

As78 · 26/12/2024 17:46

Hi, dad here in need of some advice about me and my ex wife's different views on Christmas presents. Apologies if it's too long, I'm just trying to explaine the whole issue with all details.

4 children 12, 9, 7 & 5, for Christmas ex wife follows the something you want, something you need, something to wear & something to read method of gift giving, so each child will get 4 gifts, as an example my 9 year old got

Want - slime
Need - swim goggles.
Wear- t shirt
Read- book (not sure what book)

I do not follow this method of gift giving, it was ex wife's turn to have the kids on Christmas day so today I celebrated Christmas with my gf, my parents, her parents, both sets of siblings & the kids, so as you can imagine there was a lot more gifts. Around July time my ex spoke to me and asked me to follow her method of gift giving, I told her I wouldn't be doing this as we just needed to agree to disagree and respect each other's ways of doing things, she wouldn't let it drop and we ended up having an argument resulting in me refusing to discuss the issue with her anymore, I collected the kids at 8am this morning and she asked to have a private word, she proceeded to once again bring the issue up and ask that I only give the children 4 gifts, I was in no mood to speak about this again so I just walked away.

Ex also doesn't do santa, In my house we do santa, not all the gifts are from him, just 1 gift and the stocking, it's just a bit of fun really. The kids had their gifts from me, 1 santa gift and then gifts from my parents and siblings, my gf and her family also got presents for them, it sounds like a lot but the kids each filled a box full of toys/books to donate to chairty at the end of novemeber to make room for new toys.

Kids have spoke to mum on the phone and she's now called me in a mood telling me how out of order I am and that I'm going against her wishes, now I've remained calm on this matter and bit my tongue, then eventually just refusing to speak about it but I've finally snapped today on the phone and told her that's she's just annoyed because I'm giving the kids a good Christmas whilst on Xmas day they sat at hers with nothing more than a tshirt and some slime (it's not a money issue, she has money) now I shouldn't have snapped but I was at braking point with her being controlling and trying to tell me how to raise my kids on my time (50/50 custody) she has now text me to say that the kids aren't to bring any of the presents they have received to her house and they have all to stay at mine permanently, the kids usually bring favourite items between houses so this is going to be an issue.

I don't even know what I'm asking, has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to move forward with this situation? My gf bought eldest some popular spray and skin items and I already know she's going to want to bring them between houses, no idea how to tell the kids they can't do this as it's their presents and they should be allowed to do as they please with them.

OP posts:
Wildywondrous · 26/12/2024 18:33

@BigCarMistake
This surely can't be a serious post and if it is what a nasty snob you are.

What exactly would your taste of smellies be that are allowed in your house?

With that attitude and the op's ex wife I just know your kids will be posting on here in a few years saying how they are determined not to treat their own kids the way they were treated.

My 11 year old dd had a few skincare products for Christmas and she's thrilled with them, I couldn't imagine being so spiteful as to put them in the bin.
It's nice that they are wanting to take care of their bodies.

OP I'm guessing she wanted Bubble or Bioma products which I'm sure she was over the moon with.

Original poster
As78 · 26/12/2024 18:33

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/12/2024 18:31

Why did you leave your wife while she was pregnant @As78?

We stopped getting along, she changed as a person and we fell out of love. I remained in thr family home until youngest was 6 months old so that I could help with the newborn stage, I know the aim of your comment was to try and make me out to be a crap husband and father but I did no wrong, some marriages just don't work.

OP posts:
Inmydreams88 · 26/12/2024 18:33

Sounds like you are trying to one up your wife by getting these extravagant presents. I guess she will have to grin and bear it though as it would be unfair to tell them they couldn't bring their gifts back and forth to each home.

Mymanyellow · 26/12/2024 18:31

My dgd asked for some of that skin care I told her no her skin is perfect but that’s besides the point here.
Let them take their gifts home let your ex tell them not to it’s her crazy rule. Surely she won’t throw their things away.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/12/2024 18:31

Why did you leave your wife while she was pregnant @As78?

toomuchfaff · 26/12/2024 18:31

Let her show the kids just how unreasonable she can be by banning all their presents from the house, let her do it. Encourage the children to leave the gifts at your house to use there but if they ask to take them to mums tell them they should ask mum. Let her be the bad guy.

Original poster
As78 · 26/12/2024 18:30

The skin care items the oldest got are some sort of viral/popular teen products that apparently lots of girls her age are going crazy for at the moment, it's not makeup or anything, just some face wash, cream and spray, it's something she would want to use daily, my gf asked to be the one to buy her these as she enjoys shopping for items like this and I'll hold my hands up and say I know nothing about skin care and perfume, it's her favourite gift, she likes the skin care more than the iPad.

OP posts:
Psychologymam · 26/12/2024 18:29

Kids are really old enough to pop favourite bits into a bag themselves - when I’m packing for holidays I always ask my kids if they need anything else etc. so I would stay out of it. Is mediation a potential if you have lots of things that you can’t agree on? You have at least another 13 years making decisions together so if you can do so with kids in mind that would be ideal? Lastly, in terms of other items are you equal? I know some co-parents where the father refused to buy any clothes/shoes/essentials for school etc but would always turn up at Xmas with lots of flashy expensive toys which naturally is very hard for the parent providing essentials to witness because they would also love to do that but need to be the sensible parent. Is that the case at all?

RandomMess · 26/12/2024 18:27

I would encourage the DC to leave the gifts at your house for a few weeks before taking them between homes but not dictate.

She is risking alienating the DC which is on her and as a result they may choose to spend more time with you.

Original poster
As78 · 26/12/2024 18:26

BigCarMistake · 26/12/2024 18:22

You can buy what you like for your own house but dont expect to be able to dictate what does/doesn’t go to her house. Like most children they likely have far too much stuff and I wouldnt be thrilled with having to have smellies brought home that wouldnt be to my taste. My ex husband bought DS lynx which he knows will be binned if sprayed in my house.

Edited

Wow, you'd be a good match for my ex wife, both mothers who put their feelings over their children's. Imagine binning your kids presents, how sad.

OP posts:
Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 26/12/2024 18:26

She's being ridiculous but pick your battles. If you send the children back with their gifts and she throws them away then it's the children that suffer. So tell them their mum has said their gifts from you must stay at your house.

Birdscratch · 26/12/2024 18:25

From a practical point of view, as much as your ex is being completely unreasonable, I might suggest to your 12 year old that they keep their smelly stuff at your place. They shouldn’t have to do that but I’m imagining the rows and tears if their mother throws it away - it sounds like she might be capable of that.

FoxtonFoxton · 26/12/2024 18:24

BigCarMistake · 26/12/2024 18:22

You can buy what you like for your own house but dont expect to be able to dictate what does/doesn’t go to her house. Like most children they likely have far too much stuff and I wouldnt be thrilled with having to have smellies brought home that wouldnt be to my taste. My ex husband bought DS lynx which he knows will be binned if sprayed in my house.

Edited

But it doesn't have to be your taste, you won't be using a 12 year olds perfumes or skincare. They are gifts for her, not you.

Downtherivers · 26/12/2024 18:23

BigCarMistake · 26/12/2024 18:22

You can buy what you like for your own house but dont expect to be able to dictate what does/doesn’t go to her house. Like most children they likely have far too much stuff and I wouldnt be thrilled with having to have smellies brought home that wouldnt be to my taste. My ex husband bought DS lynx which he knows will be binned if sprayed in my house.

Edited

But the toiletries are for the child, not for you. What does it matter if the toiletries ‘aren't to your taste’

KeeKees · 26/12/2024 18:23

BigCarMistake · 26/12/2024 18:22

You can buy what you like for your own house but dont expect to be able to dictate what does/doesn’t go to her house. Like most children they likely have far too much stuff and I wouldnt be thrilled with having to have smellies brought home that wouldnt be to my taste. My ex husband bought DS lynx which he knows will be binned if sprayed in my house.

Edited

It wouldn't be your perfume, it would your child's.

Hazey19 · 26/12/2024 18:22

The children are with you the same time as they are with their mum. As pp have said, you should remind her you are their parent too, with PR and they live between you both. She runs the risk of them wanting to be with you all the time if she doesn’t allow them to bring their toys between you poor kids! X

BigCarMistake · 26/12/2024 18:22

You can buy what you like for your own house but dont expect to be able to dictate what does/doesn’t go to her house. Like most children they likely have far too much stuff and I wouldnt be thrilled with having to have smellies brought home that wouldnt be to my taste. My ex husband bought DS lynx which he knows will be binned if sprayed in my house.

Original poster
As78 · 26/12/2024 18:21

Just to be clear I absolutely do not expect the kids to be allowed to pack up every single gift and bring them between houses but I do expect them to be allowed to bring some of their favourite items like the monkeys. I've been told my ex wife that absolutely no gifts are to go home with them, why shouldn't my 12 year old be allowed to bring perfume and skin care home with her, she's a really good kid but I know she's going to kick off big time about this

OP posts:
KeeKees · 26/12/2024 18:20

I dont think you can force her to allow the gifts at her house, but she is batshit and a crank.

FoxtonFoxton · 26/12/2024 18:18

Agree with others. Refuse to discuss it further, let the kids take and bring what they want. It's absolutely fine for her to do Christmas that way, as it is for you to do it your way.
She's moaning because her Christmas is shit, and deep down she knows it. I actually agree that kids don't need stacks of presents, but that bloody poem/saying is so miserable and soul sucking. Every time I see it mentioned here I think of the mum of my friend at primary school who was an absolute miser and would only buy the kids presents she deemed acceptable and not that they actually wanted (my little ponies, nothing heinous). They would get clothes and soap at 8. Fun.

Nevergiveuponagoodthing · 26/12/2024 18:17

She’s being unreasonable, controlling and not putting the kids first.

It does take some getting used to that you have no say on how the other parent chooses to parent once you separate / divorce. But she’s had 5 years!

Sorry OP.

Birdscratch · 26/12/2024 18:16

It’s like she took the idea of ‘something you want, something you need, something you wear and something you read’ and sucked all the joy out of it. An iPad or switch could absolutely be ‘something you want.’ It’s more about trying to balance gifts. Slime is a stocking filler! Unless she’s struggling financially she’s being really miserly.

Whatever she chooses to do, if you have your DC 50:50 then she has no right to dictate your choices. Also, if she sticks to not having iPads and computer games at her place she shouldn’t be surprised if they choose to spend more time at yours as they get older.

category12 · 26/12/2024 18:16

It's not great, but I think you'll just have to keep the presents at your place unless she comes round or nag-power of the kids gets her to back down.

Not worth fighting on about.

BoobyDazzler · 26/12/2024 18:14

It’s not up to her how you parent your own children

Original poster
As78 · 26/12/2024 18:11

Silvertulips · 26/12/2024 18:07

Maybe she doesn’t want them on electronics air have the time for the Monkeys?
Maybe you need better communication?

Unfortunately her style of communication is to scream and shout and demand I do everything her way. The monkeys are for the children? Not for her? The kids care and play with the monkeys, as for not wanting the kids on electronics that's not an issue as they also received lego, craft items, remote control cars etc but she's saying they can't bring any of these back with them. There's only so long a kids going to be interested in a tub of slime before it becomes boring.

OP posts: