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Original poster

Argument with EX wife over gift giving for the children.

317 replies

As78 · 26/12/2024 17:46

Hi, dad here in need of some advice about me and my ex wife's different views on Christmas presents. Apologies if it's too long, I'm just trying to explaine the whole issue with all details.

4 children 12, 9, 7 & 5, for Christmas ex wife follows the something you want, something you need, something to wear & something to read method of gift giving, so each child will get 4 gifts, as an example my 9 year old got

Want - slime
Need - swim goggles.
Wear- t shirt
Read- book (not sure what book)

I do not follow this method of gift giving, it was ex wife's turn to have the kids on Christmas day so today I celebrated Christmas with my gf, my parents, her parents, both sets of siblings & the kids, so as you can imagine there was a lot more gifts. Around July time my ex spoke to me and asked me to follow her method of gift giving, I told her I wouldn't be doing this as we just needed to agree to disagree and respect each other's ways of doing things, she wouldn't let it drop and we ended up having an argument resulting in me refusing to discuss the issue with her anymore, I collected the kids at 8am this morning and she asked to have a private word, she proceeded to once again bring the issue up and ask that I only give the children 4 gifts, I was in no mood to speak about this again so I just walked away.

Ex also doesn't do santa, In my house we do santa, not all the gifts are from him, just 1 gift and the stocking, it's just a bit of fun really. The kids had their gifts from me, 1 santa gift and then gifts from my parents and siblings, my gf and her family also got presents for them, it sounds like a lot but the kids each filled a box full of toys/books to donate to chairty at the end of novemeber to make room for new toys.

Kids have spoke to mum on the phone and she's now called me in a mood telling me how out of order I am and that I'm going against her wishes, now I've remained calm on this matter and bit my tongue, then eventually just refusing to speak about it but I've finally snapped today on the phone and told her that's she's just annoyed because I'm giving the kids a good Christmas whilst on Xmas day they sat at hers with nothing more than a tshirt and some slime (it's not a money issue, she has money) now I shouldn't have snapped but I was at braking point with her being controlling and trying to tell me how to raise my kids on my time (50/50 custody) she has now text me to say that the kids aren't to bring any of the presents they have received to her house and they have all to stay at mine permanently, the kids usually bring favourite items between houses so this is going to be an issue.

I don't even know what I'm asking, has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to move forward with this situation? My gf bought eldest some popular spray and skin items and I already know she's going to want to bring them between houses, no idea how to tell the kids they can't do this as it's their presents and they should be allowed to do as they please with them.

OP posts:
StepAwayFromGoogling · 26/12/2024 18:48

BigCarMistake · 26/12/2024 18:42

Are you serious? Have you ever smelled Lynx?! He has toiletries just not items that smell that a 90s football changing room.

And I’m totally on board with the Ex wifes approach to limit excess stuff at Christmas. It’s a slog policing screen time for kids and if Op is anything like my ex husband there’ll be no parental controls set up so that will be another job for her to sort out.

Show quote history

Now you're just projecting.

wendyla · 26/12/2024 18:47

Love the advice that your ex needs to tell them about her rule.

Sorry she is being so inflexible; that’s crap for you

Pigeonqueen · 26/12/2024 18:47

BigCarMistake · 26/12/2024 18:22

You can buy what you like for your own house but dont expect to be able to dictate what does/doesn’t go to her house. Like most children they likely have far too much stuff and I wouldnt be thrilled with having to have smellies brought home that wouldnt be to my taste. My ex husband bought DS lynx which he knows will be binned if sprayed in my house.

Edited

How ridiculous.

aCatCalledFawkes · 26/12/2024 18:47

Seem it all now. Teenage boys having there deodorant policed, most of use are just glad they use. I hate lynx Africa but my sons loves it, I buy him more to encourage him to us it.

Pigeonqueen · 26/12/2024 18:47

Your ex wife sounds absolutely bonkers 😳😳😳😳 I don’t know what the answer actually is but you’re right and she’s mad.

Reminds me of my ex who wouldn’t allow then toddler dd to have her special blanket at his house and made her put it in a box 😳 She’s 21 now and still hates him over that. Needless to say he was an arsehole all round and she barely sees him now.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 26/12/2024 18:46

OP, your ex wife is a mean cow and you've done nothing wrong. What a miserable Christmas for them. I'm glad they've had a lovely time with you. I can't work out why she wouldn't allow their gifts to go with them. Punishing you through them I suspect. And that's the crappest of parenting.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 26/12/2024 18:44

BigCarMistake · 26/12/2024 18:42

Are you serious? Have you ever smelled Lynx?! He has toiletries just not items that smell that a 90s football changing room.

And I’m totally on board with the Ex wifes approach to limit excess stuff at Christmas. It’s a slog policing screen time for kids and if Op is anything like my ex husband there’ll be no parental controls set up so that will be another job for her to sort out.

Show quote history

Of course it stinks but so do teen boys!!

"90s football changing room" - erm, have you ever been in Boots??!

You sound like a total killjoy too. Parent your children, same as the rest of us. Don't deprive them of the things other kids have too, because you can't be bothered to deal with it.

macap · 26/12/2024 18:44

Never been a fan of that four gift rule tbh. Seems a little tight and no one I know IRL follows it. Only on MN do I see people say they do this.

They're your kids, buy them what you want! She's obviously bought them as little as she wants!

Keep parenting how you see fit. Just as she does!

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 26/12/2024 18:44

Could you get some old glass bottles and transfer the skincare?
Put some manky labels on? ‘Organic Toe Jam made with real dandruff?’ just to put the ex off.
And those YouTube channels can be dangerous. One of those saintly mothers was just imprisoned for abusing and starving her own children.

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2024 18:43

Oh op I feel your pain. My exh has opted to completely ghost our 3 kids for the past 3 years (all teens/young adults now).

He would rant about how I was trying to control him through the kids - I wasn't, but he was determined to see me as the cause of all the problems with his relationship with them rather than look at how his behaviour was massively contributing to the issues he was facing.

Some co-parents just refuse to consider that their behaviour needs adjusting and it doesn't matter how reasonable you try to be, they will be determined that you are in the wrong.

Re the presents - to a degree I understand the not having all the presents at hers - space runs out and it becomes hard trying to find a home for everything but rotating/bringing different/favourite ones home is really the best way forward I reckon!

I'm sorry it's been so trying!

Birdscratch · 26/12/2024 18:43

Icanlarf · 26/12/2024 18:40

Sadly that response with one of my family members would mean the toys put in the dustbin .

Show quote history

That’s why I was worried about the skincare. It takes a whole lot of crazy to bin an iPad or switch because they’re pricey but I can easily see someone with Views getting angry enough to bin smelly stuff.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 26/12/2024 18:43

BigCarMistake · 26/12/2024 18:22

You can buy what you like for your own house but dont expect to be able to dictate what does/doesn’t go to her house. Like most children they likely have far too much stuff and I wouldnt be thrilled with having to have smellies brought home that wouldnt be to my taste. My ex husband bought DS lynx which he knows will be binned if sprayed in my house.

Edited

You're utterly unreasonable too then. Lynx for teen boys is a rite of passage. You suck it up.

"Your taste", indeed!

BigCarMistake · 26/12/2024 18:42

Wildywondrous · 26/12/2024 18:33

@BigCarMistake
This surely can't be a serious post and if it is what a nasty snob you are.

What exactly would your taste of smellies be that are allowed in your house?

With that attitude and the op's ex wife I just know your kids will be posting on here in a few years saying how they are determined not to treat their own kids the way they were treated.

My 11 year old dd had a few skincare products for Christmas and she's thrilled with them, I couldn't imagine being so spiteful as to put them in the bin.
It's nice that they are wanting to take care of their bodies.

OP I'm guessing she wanted Bubble or Bioma products which I'm sure she was over the moon with.

Edited

Are you serious? Have you ever smelled Lynx?! He has toiletries just not items that smell that a 90s football changing room.

And I’m totally on board with the Ex wifes approach to limit excess stuff at Christmas. It’s a slog policing screen time for kids and if Op is anything like my ex husband there’ll be no parental controls set up so that will be another job for her to sort out.

Rosscameasdoody · 26/12/2024 18:42

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/12/2024 18:38

I wasn't trying to make you out to be a crap husband and father.
I just wondered why you'd left your wife.

Show quote history

Not really relevant though is it ?

aCatCalledFawkes · 26/12/2024 18:42

BigCarMistake · 26/12/2024 18:22

You can buy what you like for your own house but dont expect to be able to dictate what does/doesn’t go to her house. Like most children they likely have far too much stuff and I wouldnt be thrilled with having to have smellies brought home that wouldnt be to my taste. My ex husband bought DS lynx which he knows will be binned if sprayed in my house.

Edited

My son loves this stuff even though it reminds me of my brother and his teenage years, however, I would never bin a present and I think that is just a bit off to bin something because you don't like the smell or refuse to have in your house. Like lots of mums I'm mainly glad my son takes an interest in personal hygiene.

Original poster
As78 · 26/12/2024 18:42

For anyone saying im trying to make myself look better than my ex by getting better gifts are wrong, but let be really honest it doesn't take much to over shine a t shirt and some slime, this is not a money issue, she has money, she started following this American youtube family and now she likes to parent like these youtubers. As for the gifts for the 12 almost 13 year old, she's a teen so she didn't want dollies and colouring books I got her what most kids her age now want, clothes, ipad and skincare, it has nothing to do with trying to make ex wife look bad.

OP posts:
mainecooncatonahottinroof · 26/12/2024 18:41

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/12/2024 18:38

I wasn't trying to make you out to be a crap husband and father.
I just wondered why you'd left your wife.

Show quote history

I think this thread alone is a very large clue!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 26/12/2024 18:40

Hazey19 · 26/12/2024 18:22

The children are with you the same time as they are with their mum. As pp have said, you should remind her you are their parent too, with PR and they live between you both. She runs the risk of them wanting to be with you all the time if she doesn’t allow them to bring their toys between you poor kids! X

This is what I was thinking. That's a totally shite Christmas she gave your children @As78! TG they have you to redress the balance.

If they want to take their gifts home, let them. Let them kick off with her about it. The only thing I'd be worried about would be that she would sabotage them. The 12 year old in particular could very well decide she doesn't want to live with her unreasonable mother any longer!

Slime ffs!

Icanlarf · 26/12/2024 18:40

HermoinePotter · 26/12/2024 17:58

If the children want to take anything back to your EXW house let them. Let her explain to them why she’s not allowing gifts they’ve been given to be brought home.

Sadly that response with one of my family members would mean the toys put in the dustbin .

Icanlarf · 26/12/2024 18:38

You cannot reason with unreasonable people. All you can do is see that your children have a nice time with you. If possible be respectful of her ideas and try to teach them the values that you uphold.I wonder if you could talk to her about giving the children more books or educational gifts. More practical clothing.

I fully aware of the horrors of sharing custody of children with someone with tunnel vision. We have two versions of this in our own family.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/12/2024 18:38

As78 · 26/12/2024 18:33

We stopped getting along, she changed as a person and we fell out of love. I remained in thr family home until youngest was 6 months old so that I could help with the newborn stage, I know the aim of your comment was to try and make me out to be a crap husband and father but I did no wrong, some marriages just don't work.

Show quote history

I wasn't trying to make you out to be a crap husband and father.
I just wondered why you'd left your wife.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 26/12/2024 18:36

BigCarMistake · 26/12/2024 18:22

You can buy what you like for your own house but dont expect to be able to dictate what does/doesn’t go to her house. Like most children they likely have far too much stuff and I wouldnt be thrilled with having to have smellies brought home that wouldnt be to my taste. My ex husband bought DS lynx which he knows will be binned if sprayed in my house.

Edited

Then you're a twat. Why can't your DS spray Lynx in his own home?

IwasatMandStoday · 26/12/2024 18:36

You sound like a great dad, keep being you!

As for your ex, next time she texts reply with a Ho Ho Ho

Original poster
As78 · 26/12/2024 18:36

Psychologymam · 26/12/2024 18:29

Kids are really old enough to pop favourite bits into a bag themselves - when I’m packing for holidays I always ask my kids if they need anything else etc. so I would stay out of it. Is mediation a potential if you have lots of things that you can’t agree on? You have at least another 13 years making decisions together so if you can do so with kids in mind that would be ideal? Lastly, in terms of other items are you equal? I know some co-parents where the father refused to buy any clothes/shoes/essentials for school etc but would always turn up at Xmas with lots of flashy expensive toys which naturally is very hard for the parent providing essentials to witness because they would also love to do that but need to be the sensible parent. Is that the case at all?

I buy my kids uniform, shoes, PE and sports items, ex wife buys stationery and backpacks. I also pay for all hobbies and any items required for those hobbies and I pay for all school trips, this isn't a money issue. I just sont want my kids having to sneak items in their bags and feel scared of being caught out for it. We've never argued like this before, she just can't get over the differences we have in gift giving.

OP posts:
Chocolatesnowman2 · 26/12/2024 18:34

Well if she's like this with other issues,won't be long before kids want to live with you full time ,just to have a normal life

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