Argument with EX wife over gift giving for the children.

I wonder what her side of the story is? Is she on a budget and can only afford 4 presents. Whereas you and your family seem to go over the top with indulgent present giving. Maybe she doesn’t want all the crap you have bought the kids taking up space in her home.

One thing she will teach the kids to be is sneaky. At 12, I know I'd have been figuring out ways to sneak my stuff in and places to hide it. Luckily, I never needed to.
She can tell the kids they can't bring their presents home. If she wants to make that decision, she can enforce it.
I'd be quite concerned about her obsession with family vloggers. There are some out there with very problematic backgrounds/ideals/lifestyles. The "aspirational" side is nearly always utter bullshit.

This- just relay what she said. Let them argue with her on the phone and be the baddie.

my brothers ex wife is one of these, the kids have learned to leave anything they love at their dads because if it goes home she might just throw it away for some random reason.. she doesn't like it, doesn't agree with it, or thinks they're too young, or outgrown it.. she doesn't give a fuck about their feelings on it.

The thing is, she's only damaging her relationship with them, and my DNiece can't stand her.. she's 16 soon and already told us she wants to live with her dad soon as she can move without her mom having any say in it.

She does no get to dictate how you parent in your time, unless you are putting the children in danger.

I'd just tell her you refuse to entertain her rules and ideas. If you are amenable you could remind her that you do not tell her what to do, but I suspect it will fall on deaf ears. Or i'd laugh at her.

My ex and I coparent with very different ways of life, and his attitude has always been reflected in what he buys for her. I wouldn’t dream of policing what dd brings between our homes, that’s so controlling and disrespectful of her ownership of her own possessions. What would it teach dd if I banned certain items from her home because I don’t like them? (Maybe with young kids you can explain about some things, like those Bratz dolls or a smartphone that one parent might see as being a negative influence or even harmful, but not many presents would fall into that category really and the children should generally be able to decide what they have in both their homes, otherwise they aren’t genuinely their possessions, are they?)

She thinks you need to respect what she does by copying her; but it’s disrespectful of her not to show the same courtesy. Why are her beliefs more important than yours about parenting?

Wrt what you say to the kids; I would be inclined to be honest with them. They can choose to smuggle things home or leave them safely at your house. Either that or she must tell them the rules for her house, and explain how she’s going to enforce it.

(You can do all this while not slagging off your ex or her choices, just say you don’t agree with her, and probably try to hold the moral high ground in future so she hasn’t got any ammunition to use against you.)

The 4 gift thing is great (I do it!) but her version of it sounds really mean!! Especially if there's no santa stocking!

Tell her you did stick to the 4 gifts but you can't control what other people buy.

If she doesn't want the kids to bring their toys then respect that but she needs to tell them.

Your EX sounds like a miserable Scrooge. Slime, goggles, t-shirt and a book - sounds like a bit of a damp squib to be honest. Unless you are on a seriously tight budget then the only reason I can think of is that she wants to be seen as not being overly materialistic and is a bit of a virtue signaller. And if you shower the kids with lots of lovely presents it shows her up as being mean. Which sounds like what she is.

With four kids I think you've handled Christmas really well OP and I wouldn't be worrying about what your ex thinks. She's your ex and that's that.
As others have said, the children must come first, and she needs to stop being so controlling.

So then the gifts should stay at dad's .

Mainly I think you are not being unreasonable. However my kids come home from their dads house with what I consider tat all the time and then they are upset if I want to throw away the multiple cheep broken toys etc. He also seems to like sending them home with marker pens, glitter and stickers that ruin my house. My kids have told me he won't let them play with that stuff there as it's his gf house and they can't make a mess. So depending what the gifts were I may change from not unreasonable to very unreasonable if you got messy tat.

I would also be livid if someone bought my 12 dd 'popular' skincare stuff. I think it's incredibly unhealthy and damaging to young girls.

Have you heard of parallel parenting? It sounds sensible for your situation. But ultimately you can't control her house just as she can't control you. So you celebrate Christmas however you like but you have no right to force her to accept the gifts she disapproves of into her house

Overreaction.

I'd personally just tell the children what their Mother has said.

Don't cover for her ridiculous Christmas rules.

Let her deal with the fallout from the children.

I know you don't want to make your children upset but there's not a lot you can do.

Truth needs to be told to them.

I can't believe your ex wife has me siding with a man! For that, she's very unreasonable.

And yes, she's unreasonable for trying to control your christmas.

Her rule is bizarre anyway. Let kids enjoy christmas, fgs.

This situation is bordering on cruelty. I would report your Ex wife's behaviour to social services OP. Anything that could potentially traumatise a young child & which could have have lasting effects on their mental health should be dealt with by professionals.

Why don’t they just take four things back if she’s so keen on four things? Something your eldest wants - skincare, needs - iPad…etc? Could that be a way round it?

I loosely follow the four things but, in reality, it’s only because I want everyone to have a book! Without that rule no books would ever appear on their lists 😂

She's batshit

This is ridiculous and cruel

Sorry OP but I’d tell her your house your rules !!

Your Christmas sounds a lot more fun please don’t change that for the kids !

Go on you op for giving your kids a better Xmas than their so called mother did.
She sounds a bit unhinged.

The four things doesn’t have to be tight though. The something to wear could be a branded hoodie or trainers. The something they need could be new/better kit for a sport or hobby. I’ve seen it suggested on here most when someone is desperate for gift ideas because they have a 12-14 year old boy who says there’s nothing they really want when Christmas is looming.

OP tell her you've let them bring 4 gifts to hers. Eg for your oldest want- iPad, need - skin care etc. At least they get to take their favourites then and you are playing her at her own game. She can't refuse them if you say they fit her batshit rule!

Do not think people like this would not bin an iPad. Because my child would not park in the spot they was told to, his partner got out of the car and binned the present they had just bought them.

OP you made the mistake of saying you were a man.
Always do a reverse and say you are a women on MN if you want unbiased replies.

I think your ex is being ridiculous.

You have as much right to give the gifts as she does.
She does not get to tell you to only buy 4 gifts, just like you have no right to tell her to only buy 4 gifts.

It’s do petty that she won’t let the kids take home/bring something to the other home and she seems a bit controlling.
However, I would not die on this hill.

Tell your DD that her mum doesn’t want her to take it and that skincare etc will have to stay at your home and to ask her mum to buy it for her home (although I doubt she will).

Nothing makes me madder than when parents put their issues above their kids happiness.
She’s so focused playing tit for tat with you that she doesn’t see how much she’s hurting her kids.