To just … not have toys?

A friend of mine has two children and one is totally like this and same age as yours. When they are over at ours on playdate, the younger one goes for all the toys and throws them everywhere. It is like a hurricane. What we have found to be the best to keep him occupied is playdoh, he is able to sit at the table with us for a prolonger period and make things along the other children.

I just wanted to say OP that it sounds like you're feeling really hopeless and defeated and I hope after some sleep you feel more positive and able to try out some of the suggestions.

I don't think you are a neglectful or terrible parent. I actually really identify with you but in the opposite way. I absolutely love being home with DS and can do roleplay and imaginative play for hours. It comes really naturally to me and I've always enjoyed playing with toddlers and young children in this way.

However I absolutely hate outdoor play. I hate how damp and dirty everything is and I'm severely arachnophobic. I know how important it is for him to be outdoors and I really do try and make myself ok with it but every minute in the garden feels like an hour and I just desperately want it to be over.

I so want to be one of those parents that's like a forest school on legs whose kids are constantly up trees and digging around in leaves and mud and walking for hours. I often feel really down on myself that that has not come easily to me, especially as I simply can't be as enthusiastic about doing that stuff as I am about the stuff I enjoy, no matter how much I take it. Both DH and I are homebodies and DS has started showing a clear preference for staying home with toys as well.

I do however know that I have to force him and us to get outside, be active and get fresh air every day. It's not comfortable or my preference but I do know it's important to have the balance.

For what it's worth I think it's fine for your DS to enjoy spending a lot of time going out, doing organised activities and playing more actively. I think preferences are ok and I don't think you need to aim to spend hours running trains around a big track every day. That's clearly not him.

I do think it's not a good thing for him to NEVER be able to play with toys and think throwing his ice cream can away is excessive. I think it's good for children to be bored and to learn to play. I hope that you are able to get to a point where you can have the odd bit of quiet time throughout the day where your DS can play in a way he enjoys and it's not a terrible stressful experience for you.

I know it's really hard. It's easy from the outside to give the advice but harder when you're living it each day. I do hope you're able to find some valuable ideas here and don't give up.

What is it that you want people to say?

Get rid of all his toys.
Increase his hours at pre-school.
Spend the rest of the time out of the house.
If he is in the house, it is either meal time or bed time. Then he won't have any time to mess anything up.

What a snob.
The toys everywhere will only last a couple more years anyway, so don't feel too bad about them. But do start from what he likes doing.

You know, I remember how stressed out my mother was by our toys and our messy house. She really put it on us - and I think it felt very true for her - that we were creating all this chaos. But when I grew up and moved out, my house was never messy, as I just don't buy "things" all the time. I'm not big on stuff! And in retrospect, I don't think I was as a child either really. I was a bit oppressed by all the toys. I just wanted a few things - two teddies I counted as friends, my books, pencils and paper, playdo, and lego. All the rest of it, god, we just drowned in it. Just the endless piles of it.

We mainly played imagination games with random cushions and boxes, tbh. Who wants all this stuff.

Some toy ideas for you that your DS might enjoy

• Dumper truck with foam rocks or bricks to dunk out and reload
• those toys that have enclosed spirals that mini beads torrent down
• Nuggets or similar which can be used for climbing on or den building (though are a bit pricier
• Magnatiles are often a hit with young boys I work with who aren’t into other toys
• If you have a younger DC use their (robust!) tots to build different structures and see when they fall over.

The following is a bit more a radical suggestion for getting your DS involved in tidying up but make that a throwing game. Have a great plastic box that’s home for the toy you’re playing with and see who can get most bits in, or how quickly you can do it together or even if he’s struggling at first can he throw five toys into the box. Again needs some level of robustness to toys but very little I’ve come across for three year olds won’t withstand this approach to tidying. Every kid I meet to play with (SALT) wants to show that they can beat me once they get the idea 😂

Also if you don’t already have one get something like a Kallax with some storage boxes (they’re not pretty but they’re so practical with small kids). One box out at a time, they can play with whatever’s in it, it doesn’t have to be perfect complete sets for kids they don’t care. They’ll substitute a toy car and tell you it’s an ice cream / dinosaur or whatever.

Literally just scoop things up and tip back in at the end of the day. One for Lego / brio etc. Once a week have a bit of a sort out of them, try and include the kids (if you can find all the bits of Lego & put them in this box in 5 mins you can have a choc button).

Lots of good advice here op- definitely get toys around his interests- a play dogs made of soft play blocks, foam bricks he can build and knock down and garden toys. Have specific toys for each room that stay in each room and you don’t leave the room til put away (eg wooden shape sorters and bits like that are in my sons room- he plays while I get home dressed make the cot etc- but we don’t set foot on the landing til they are back. Bit honestly I think the biggest thing must be modelling - sit down, commentate oh look and ice cream shop, I’m going to make one, I think I’ll have chocolate with sprinkles yummy, would you like one, shall I make one for you or do you want to? Of he doesn’t want to join in he won’t, but modelling how to use a toy is so so important

Sometimes kids like these sort of activities instead of imaginative play with toy sets. Digging holes, painting fence with a brush and bucket of water etc. It sounds like he’s just an active boy that might enjoy “activity” type play instead of imaginative or structured play. Mud kitchen? Making “potions” with things around the house, building dens. It sounds like you’re doing well with lots of outside energetic play, it’s finding activities you can do in the house. If he likes tipping things in and out get him a couple of cheap plastic boxes he can use to tip his bricks or Lego in and out of, sort by colour. Yoto player to listen to stories while he potters about? Helping you load / unload washing machine? Hide something around the house he can look for (clothes pegs etc).

@giveupontoys you are modelling behaviour that is being continued by your son.

Something is untidy or have missing pieces, throw it out.

If parts of a toy goes missing, encourage them to use something else in its place like a small ball in place of an ice cream.
Have a set day when you move the furniture each week/every other week so they learn to understand they have to wait for missing pieces and it might help them take responsibility.

Does your older child not play with or alongside their brother?

Does he enjoy sensory play such as water/ playdough/gloop etc? It sounds like he is concentrating on gross motor development in his play right now so perhaps something like an indoor balance beam or trampoline would stop him wanting to climb on things he shouldn't?

It sounds like you are frustrated with where you live and you have articulated it as a DS/toy problem. If you feel too cramped in a small and dark house, try addressing that. Too much furniture and /or stuff? So a small amount of playing untidiness looks and feels more messy? Toys on the floor means there isn’t enough space to easily walk around? Too much furniture so toys easily get stuck underneath? Too much stuff so it has to be precisely put away or it won’t fit in the storage?

You sound v boundaried, honest and clear in what your limits and needs are, and you're struggling to understand these with your son. You get it with your other child, who complies (naturally or in an adapted way) to your world. This little boy is a bit of a muddle to understand, a mess to clean-up and so you're wondering if you put in a strong boundary around the inanimate objects as you say you've given up trying to put a boundary around him then maybe things will be a bit simpler (more manageable) for you.

As MN say: your house, your rules.

If mess is causing you so much anxiety, stick to the outdoor play he does, get another simple tool based toy maybe, the suggested step ladder (if you can risk the mess of an accident!) and stick to other play outside at nursery, and the activities you take him to.

Your getting stressed wouldnt help anyone.

Why?

Does he like messy play? Digging holes in the garden, etc?

Some children are not interested in playing with toys or use toys in a different manner.
I recommend that you ask your GP to refer to the local community paediatrician to look at possible causes of difficulties with imaginative play and delayed play skills.
magnetiles, blocks and Lego may be more interesting. Or being allowed to move around eg a peanut ball, mini trampoline.

Ah bless you @giveupontoys you sound mentally and physically exhausted 💐

I think you need to give yourself a break. Even if the mess piles up around you, just take a day off tidying and cleaning - and enjoy your kids. <even better get your DH to do the tidying while you chill>

And then a re-set.

Your DS is older than your DD and a boy, so he will play differently. It sounds like he is good at playing socially - hence no issues at nursery. So when your DD is older he will probably play well with her. It sounds like he needs others with him to do imaginative play - again I believe that’s quite common with boys. I don’t think imagination play and role play toys are the right things for your DS right now. For solo play I suggest he needs physical toys (dance mat? Wobble board? Twister?) and construction toys (eg Lego or meccano but not a set just a big box of pieces he can build with and knock down if that’s what he wants to do / and with no crucial pieces that matter) and non-messy arts and crafting toys eg play doh.

on a separate note, it sounds like a general declutter would help and also buying some lamps so your home doesn’t feel so small and dingy.

Good luck x

@giveupontoys

Don't worry OP. This too will pass. Your initial idea of getting rid of little bits isnt bad. Wrap him up and send him out into the back garden with a ball or racquet and ball/shuttlecock. Let him bounce, climb, balance and let that be his main play type at home. Toys and play are not the same thing. When it's too dark he's at the age now that you can play those orchard games to practice turn taking and curl up and read in dens. You can make example dens. Cook together. Garden together. Make noise, sorry, music together. You will feel fine throwing away those yoghurt pots stuck together with rice inside after a few weeks of driving you insane, in a way you wouldn't with the expensive playset your mum got him for example.

If the tipping things out is a problem for you then distraction and lack of opportunity at home is probably easiest. And stay strong against bluey if you don't like it.

Maybe toys just aren’t his thing?

I never thought much of toys except for my Polly Pockets but virtually every other photo of me as a child is me either with books or drawing. I did play and had a very active imagination, just not with actual toys.