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AIBU?

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Original poster

Passive aggressive or justifiably annoyed?

29 replies

StolenChanel · 26/12/2024 13:33

Backstory is DH works shifts. He’s forever changing jobs or career paths with a big plan involved but always changes to another awkwardly patterned shift work job. We had DD when we were very young and made a plan that, as the more “studious” one, I would finish college / uni full time and he would work and study part time, and then when I was finished and in the career we had planned for, he would go back to college to finish his. He never did and has floated about in all of these shift roles ever since. I don’t complain aloud as I’m grateful that he stepped back all those years ago so I could continue with my education, but his shift patterns make family life very difficult.

Anyway, we had planned to visit my mum for Christmas, about a 2 hour drive from us. Her house is nice and in a quiet area so it makes a change for us. It was his idea to come here. He has work tomorrow so we were always planning to leave on Boxing Day.

Weeks ago my mum had asked what time we would be heading off as we have family coming for lunch today. I asked him what time he wanted to get off by and he said 3, which I passed on to mum. He decided this morning that he wanted to leave by 1 and had never said anything about 3 (he did).

Family are late. He wants to leave. I asked can we at least wait until 2 so we can see them and have something to eat. The food is already laid out but Mum spent ages making it look nice for when everyone gets here, so I don’t really want to tell DH and the kids to just “tuck in” and ruin Mum’s presentation.

He’s muttering to himself and giving me dirty looks, but saying to me “Don’t worry about it, we’ll wait.” It sounds so small but I get really anxious when he gets like this because I know if the day now doesn’t go completely smoothly, any bumps or blips I’ll get the blame and he’ll go on saying something like “this is why we should have left when I said we should.”

I feel nauseous with anxiety now so I’ve sat in the garden on my own for a bit and now I feel guilty because my mum is also slightly on edge now. I just hate feeling like this.

YABU = I’m over-reacting - he’s understandably tired and wanted to get home,

YANBU = no, he knew the plans and is being unkind

OP posts:
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CraftyBrickTurtle · 18/05/2025 06:43

Sounds just like my ex. Hated going out anywhere. With me, without me, and hated me going. We missed weddings. Funerals. Parties. He hated going out, whereas I loved socialising. We would get invited as a couple 99.99% he would moan all week, if he was coming, then not go/moan the entire time and make it blatantly obvious he did not want to to be there. It got to the point where I gave up lying and making excuses for him, and would go on my own or with our kids but not him. He'd be ringing and texting within an hour of me leaving "how long do you think you'll be?". YANBU.
Leave him. He sounds selfish, boring and completely devoid of passion.

BadSkiingMum · 26/12/2024 20:29

Glad to help. In some ways I can see the other side of the coin because my own DH is the polar opposite: highly driven, ambitious and successful. Definitely an alpha male and that comes with its own downsides! Yet would I have been attracted to someone who was low-key, relaxed and happy-go-lucky? Probably not.

Original poster
StolenChanel · 26/12/2024 17:34

@BadSkiingMum I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. You’re absolutely right about reframing my thinking and yes, there are many positives to his shift work; he’s often able to collect our youngest from school which I can never do. I need to work on letting go of the resentment.

As for the controlling behaviour, this is what I need to work out. Sometimes things can be really good and I don’t feel we have any issues at all, but then he goes through these strange waves every few months where he acts like this. He doesn’t seem to like it when my attention is on anyone outside of our household (friends, family members, he even rolls his eyes if I mention a colleague’s name when talking about my day at work). He never outwardly says anything negative, but is often full of sarcastic comments. For example I have one particular friend who I’ve been close with since we were kids, she visits me at home often and I even have her children to stay for days at a time, yet whenever I mention her name he says “who’s that?” It’s odd. I have a cousin who I used to be really close to, but we fell out a few years back (another story). She was completely in the wrong but I let bygones be bygones and we’ve reformed a relationship since then, but now whenever she calls for a catch up I ignore her calls if he’s home because he’ll make sarcastic comment and ask me questions or to do things every 30 seconds so we can’t have a proper conversation. I’ve resorted to only calling her on my way to or from work now because it’s just exhausting for both of us when I’m constantly like “hold on one second”.

But I still wonder if I’m just being dramatic and overthinking things. I have always been an over-thinker so could be reading into things too much. I can never tell whether I’m doing that or not.

OP posts:
BadSkiingMum · 26/12/2024 17:13

Regarding his working pattern and its impact on family life, where these situations happen in a long standing relationship, I tend to think that you knew who he was when you met him and got together with him. He was less studious, less ambitious and happy enough to drop out of college. Yes, it was circumstantial due to your pregnancy, but a very ambitious man wouldn't have done so under any circumstances. He would have carried on studying regardless, forcing you to take the hit, or insisted on only using paid childcare. Or perhaps even walked away.

So to a certain extent, you have to accept that this is his path in life. Or leave. What isn't ok is to carry resentment, which I am sure he must be picking up on. Can you switch things around in your mind to have a more positive view of his shift work? Surely there are times when it has worked well for your family to have him around in the daytime or at odd hours?

However, on a separate note, there is something very tense about your post and I get a strong whiff of control from him.

Original poster
StolenChanel · 26/12/2024 15:50

Inmydreams88 · 26/12/2024 15:35

Was he working christmas day?

Show quote history

No, thankfully. He has work early tomorrow morning, which is why we had to leave my mum’s by 1/3 (ended up being about 2.30 and we’re driving back now).

To be honest, reading back on my post the backstory probably was unnecessary. At the time of writing I think I was just thinking “none of this would ever be an issue if you stuck to the plan”. It just feels like planning or doing anything is always really hard to fit around his early starts or late finishes (depending on what shift he’s on), and he always changes his mind about timings for things last minute and gets annoyed with me on days he has to be up early.

OP posts:
Inmydreams88 · 26/12/2024 15:35

StolenChanel · 26/12/2024 14:10

I don’t have a fancy job either; he actually earns more than me. The issue or more the hours. He starts work at 4am this week. The life he had planned included having time together during these periods - it was the main reason I went into the role I went into (which was something we discussed when I was pregnant all those years ago) and his was the similar.

Show quote history

Was he working christmas day?

pikkumyy77 · 26/12/2024 14:55

Deal with what you can: he uses his shift work pattern to make himself the focus of family life and force you to dance to his tune. You “owe” him for his early “ sacrifice “ for you. But in reality he prefers it this way so he can force everything to cater to him

Original poster
StolenChanel · 26/12/2024 14:32

tinselAndCrackers · 26/12/2024 14:14

You resent him not taking the time out of family life and the financial hit to go back to college to qualify for a job where he'd earn less? You can't hold him to a plan you made 16 years ago.

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You’re right, I do hold resentment for it and I need to work out a way to let it go. The career he had planned to go into earns a heck of a lot more than either of us earn right now, and he already has most of the qualifications for it from when he was studying part time. But you’re right, it was a plan we made a long time ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
StolenChanel · 26/12/2024 14:29

PicaK · 26/12/2024 14:14

He's gaslighting you. You know he said 3pm. He's making you feel on edge and guilty.
You'll be home for 5pm. Time for tea and an early night.
There's an element of control here from him I don't like. It's not... You know I'm really tired would you mind if we went earlier? It's you got the time wrong, he's in the right you are wrong.
I couldn't live like that.
How often does he pull this kind of stunt?

This is exactly how I feel. He does things like this very often. It’s always really minor things that sound like I’m making a big deal out of nothing if I raise it with him, so I often just don’t bother bringing it up. For example, he’ll act as if he didn’t know I had plans with friends whenever I do and become moody on those days, so I started putting things into the calendar on my phone which is also linked to his (makes no difference as he never looks at it anyway!)

OP posts:
FloralCrown · 26/12/2024 14:19

I agree with others the PP, the eggshells feeling comes from the gaslighting.

He states a time, you all work to that timeframe.

He changes the time, but instead of admitting the change, tells you he never said the original time, making the whole thing your fault rather than his (& making you doubt yourself).

It's a horrible way for you and your DD to live 😞

MajorCarolDanvers · 26/12/2024 14:17

He's being a nasty bully.

Pomegranatecarnage · 26/12/2024 14:15

My OH died 7 years ago, and the main reason I’m still single is not wanting to walk on eggshells ever again. I did it through my childhood with my Dad (who I loved but he was a moody bugger), and in all of my relationships. Even my son makes me feel this way. I suppose it’s down to being brought up to see the man’s happiness or comfort as more important than your own.

tinselAndCrackers · 26/12/2024 14:14

StolenChanel · 26/12/2024 14:10

I don’t have a fancy job either; he actually earns more than me. The issue or more the hours. He starts work at 4am this week. The life he had planned included having time together during these periods - it was the main reason I went into the role I went into (which was something we discussed when I was pregnant all those years ago) and his was the similar.

Show quote history

You resent him not taking the time out of family life and the financial hit to go back to college to qualify for a job where he'd earn less? You can't hold him to a plan you made 16 years ago.

PicaK · 26/12/2024 14:14

He's gaslighting you. You know he said 3pm. He's making you feel on edge and guilty.
You'll be home for 5pm. Time for tea and an early night.
There's an element of control here from him I don't like. It's not... You know I'm really tired would you mind if we went earlier? It's you got the time wrong, he's in the right you are wrong.
I couldn't live like that.
How often does he pull this kind of stunt?

Original poster
StolenChanel · 26/12/2024 14:11

TTPDTS · 26/12/2024 13:48

Is he genuinely muttering and giving dirty looks? Sometimes when I used to get super anxious I would over analyse people and decide they were doing something in a way that made me more anxious (e.g giving dirty looks but in reality the person wasn't even paying attention / was looking beyond me).

The leaning by 1 / 3 thing is annoying definitely, if 3 was previously agreed!

However family being late is also annoying, what time were they due?

Possibly. I don’t think so though, it happens quite often. But maybe the fact that it happens often makes me look out for it more.

They were due at 1 and got here at about 1.40. They also travel from quite a distance.

OP posts:
Original poster
StolenChanel · 26/12/2024 14:10

Inmydreams88 · 26/12/2024 13:56

I was also confused about the massive build up as to the reason why he does "shift work", theres nothing wrong with shift work? Does he not have the fancy job you imagined him to have OP? Lots of job are back tomorrow as its a normal working day, my husband works 9-5 but is in tomorrow.

Anyway thats got zero to do with him being dick on boxing day.

Edited
Show quote history

I don’t have a fancy job either; he actually earns more than me. The issue or more the hours. He starts work at 4am this week. The life he had planned included having time together during these periods - it was the main reason I went into the role I went into (which was something we discussed when I was pregnant all those years ago) and his was the similar.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 26/12/2024 14:09

Is his career choice a source of disappointment for you? There is a HUGE focus on this in your post. Leaving early on Boxing Day seems almost incidental.

Original poster
StolenChanel · 26/12/2024 14:07

KrisAkabusi · 26/12/2024 13:53

What on earth does your work and university history have to do with how he spends his Boxing Day or act around your family? If you think thus remotely relevant, there's obviously more playing on your mind.

Because of his shift work. It annoys me that we had a plan for a family life but, all these years later, we’re still having to arrange everything around his awkward shifts.

OP posts:
Bearbookagainandagain · 26/12/2024 13:57

I'm not sure I understand the link between the backstory about uni, shift patterns and today's lunch.
Is his shift tomorrow particularly early? Is there any reason he would want to be back home in the afternoon?

Inmydreams88 · 26/12/2024 13:56

KrisAkabusi · 26/12/2024 13:53

What on earth does your work and university history have to do with how he spends his Boxing Day or act around your family? If you think thus remotely relevant, there's obviously more playing on your mind.

I was also confused about the massive build up as to the reason why he does "shift work", theres nothing wrong with shift work? Does he not have the fancy job you imagined him to have OP? Lots of job are back tomorrow as its a normal working day, my husband works 9-5 but is in tomorrow.

Anyway thats got zero to do with him being dick on boxing day.

lazyarse123 · 26/12/2024 13:56

So many men being fucking miserable arseholes. Tell him to go home without you because you're bored of walking on eggshells.

Bubbles1001 · 26/12/2024 13:54

Yeah - I'd probably do the same as PP have suggested. Tell him to head off & the you have a gorgeous afternoon with your DD and family. Your mum will love it and you'll be able to relax and he'll be able to get home and will likely be in a better mood for having some time on his own.

KrisAkabusi · 26/12/2024 13:53

What on earth does your work and university history have to do with how he spends his Boxing Day or act around your family? If you think thus remotely relevant, there's obviously more playing on your mind.

Runningoutofthyme · 26/12/2024 13:52

Tell him to go and stay with your mum and have a nice time without him

WickedlyCharmed · 26/12/2024 13:49

He sounds like a nasty little shit. Perhaps use this time to reflect on how often you're treading on eggshells around him and his whims and moods?

now I feel guilty because my mum is also slightly on edge now.

I bet your mum secretly loathes him.