AIBU to ask all the women on here with shitty nasty partners and husbands to really think about how they can escape them as soon as possible?

I often wonder if a lot of these men are deliberately vile to get kicked out because they can't cope with being a dad or have another woman in the background and then go round with a tiny violin telling everyone how he was thrown out .

It looks better than HIM walking out on his family and neighbours, family , friends and colleagues thinking what a shit he is for leaving .

Also then can then run back to his parents who will put them up because they were thrown out . If he told them he just up and left they would send him back home to his wife and family.

There are some devious and manipulative people out there .

Good job that’s not what she said then. No one says it’s easy. But staying isn’t easy either. She said it’s wise to make a plan.

Yes, and the children who have been harmed by these men, make only a tiny fraction of what we read in the news.

It normally takes a death before it's reported.

Meanwhile there'll be millions of kids for whom the mental damage caused by their parent's choice of relationship(s), will affect them for the rest of their lives.

Often easier said than done to 'just leave' when there is nowhere to go, no support network, no money often because of financial abuse and/or no job.

Yes! I'm so wary about meeting people as a single mother - if I'm on dating apps, I never say I have a child, and don't mention her till we've been on a couple of dates. I've dated and had casual relationships since me and her dad split up a few years ago, but none of them have met her. IF I was in a serious relationship, I'd introduce them at some point, but I'm not looking to live with anyone!

The way I survived in an abusive relationship was by not seeing how bad it was. Your thread may be well intentioned but it really isn’t that easy.

Yes this happened to me. I was vulnerable and stupid. I was a perfect target and when he realised I had a decent background, I became his "pension" (his words). We are divorced after the last OW came with a big insurance payout because her husband was killed mere months previously and off he fucked. I am a terrible judge of character and I learned a very hard lesson. Never again. I cringe when I read people on here doing the same and being as blind as I was.

I just wanted to add aswell- it's often not one single swift movement like everything is gone, suddenly, but rather little, little increments where things that seem inconsequential disappear so slowly but suddenly you look back, you have no idea how you got where you are now. (And it seems impossible to extricate yourself and your young kids)

My ex wasn't abusive but he was a lazy waster who, after 15yrs of being a good family man, checked out of family life and didn't give me or his kids the time of day. I put up with this for 4 yrs because I wanted to keep my family together. I was also scared to be left on my own with 4 children. So I stayed hoping he would change back to the man i once knew. He didn't.

Finally getting the courage to end the relationship was the best thing I ever did. I'm happier than ive been in years. I never realised how much that relationship was dragging me down until I left.

For anyone scared to make the leap, Honestly life is better on your own than with someone who treats you with contempt.

This....always !

It's so hard though.

I feel like i'm the one about the break up my family, despite the fact that it's him who has checked out, and I'm doing all the work at home, working outside the home and 100% of the Christmaswork.

I learnt far, far too late, once my money was gone, once I was far from my own home and friends, and I was sahm with the kids for a few years, now I'm working but my career is way behind because I was carrying, nursing, raising the littles. I'll get back on track, but im like a frantic little salmon swimming upstream.

I also think some single mothers would do well to remember, "No-one falls in love faster than a man with no home".

This is so true. They often hone in on single mothers, love bomb them and their children, feed them a story about their 'crazy ex'.

Then once their feet are under the table (especially when there's a new baby on its way), that's when their true colours very often come out.

Completely agree OP. The behaviour of a lot of the partners and husbands on recent thread is disgusting. Makes me realise I’m lucky with DH but also like to think I wouldn’t put up with the immature and horrible way some of these men treat their partners.

Well said@Merryoldgoat
Generally speaking men will exploit you if they have any leverage over you, never let them have the upper hand.

Yes, or "He's an amazing father".

When will women realise that an amazing father does NOT treat the mother of his kids like shit?

And that kicking a ball around a park now and then, or sticking a few nuggets in the air fryer, does not an amazing father make.

I left an abusive marriage mid twenties, I had 2 young children, and my self-esteem was underground, I was like a lost small child.

But I did it, and if you are in a situation like this, YOU CAN TOO.

Reach out to women's aid, your health visitor, your midwife, gp, local services, the police. They are there to help you.

You will be better one day, you are stronger than you think. A better life is out there for you.

I agree but understand it can be very difficult. However the ones who suffer the most are the kids. They get one childhood and both parents are equally responsible for ensuring that it is a safe one.

I also think it's a good reminder to women entering new relationships: keep your friends, your family, your own source of money, savings etc. Some women give up these things or have a partner who slowly separates them from these things. Never make your relationship or marriage your everything - keep connected to people, keep a source of income.

No it isn't romantic to live off a man. If he changes or if you want to leave, it will be game over.

YANBU

And for the love of God, once they have found the strength to leave, let them spend a few years enjoying their own company/their DC's company, before moving another man into the family home.

So many women bounce from one abusive relationship into another one, and the kids get dragged along for the ride.

It's perfectly possible to date without moving in together.

Agreed in principle of course, but really you can't lecture women unless you're prepared to do something about the practicalities.

Where are they supposed to go? Womens refuges are desperately underfunded, we have a crisis of inequality meaning housing is restricted and unaffordable, retraining requires getting into debt, much work available is poorly paid and the benefits system is a shambles.

So unless you are prepared to open your homes, donate, or campaign for left wing policies, can I suggest you don't harangue the victims?

May I just add

if your partner is becoming a shit the minute you are pregnant or have a baby, doesn't support you then, doesn't take your side against in-laws from hell who think they have some kind of "right" over your baby

it won't get better

Start thinking about moving then, take all the time you need, but be clear that's it, it will never get better with him