AIBU to ask all the women on here with shitty nasty partners and husbands to really think about how they can escape them as soon as possible?

I don't understand people like you.

You see at least 2 or 3 posts like this on every thread about abusive relationships.

It's as though you're trying to shut the threads down, and prevent the women to whom they might be useful, from reading them.

Why would you do that?

@leia24 It certainty won’t solve it. But I’m all in favour of telling women again and again and again that any abuse and violence is wrong and that they could live a different life if they left, with support. You never know who could be waiting for a ‘sign’ that day or who needs to hear it. Plus as women we are socialised into just ‘putting up’ with shitty behaviour so I like to think a different narrative rebels against that misogynistic nonsense.

The threads where women support women to leave abusive men, particularly when the OP comes back to update, brings out the best in MN I think.

You're right this thread will solve it. Women who are being beaten and isolated and psychologically abused will read this and suddenly realise they 'need to make a plan'.
Patronising

@StrawberryDream24 agree.
The aforementioned BFF is currently in love with a chap decades younger than her. She's to inherit. A lot.
Another friends DH left after ten years. A long game, but he's thick enough not to block his SM posts regarding his new life. Lots of holidays.

I love my DH but I would not marry again. I don't hate men but I don't like most of them. I'd rather have a dog.

Do not have children without a marriage

I would have the caveat; unless you have more assets than him.

Otherwise he's taking potentially half of them because you married him.

@UmbrellaEllaEllaElla

Well said.
"Never give all the heart" (WB Yeats)

There comes the patronising stuff. It takes more guts to leave a bad marriage than to stay in one.

After divorce, most women have a clear idea about what to avoid, a massive antena to identify red flags and the knowledge that they will cope if they walk away when a relationship is turning toxic.

Some are so damaged by their marriage, they will never be able to have another relationship. Most women who are likely to fall into an abusive relationship never manage to leave their abusive marriage, they stay put.

If we want to get more women to leave abusive relationships, the first thing we have to remove is the stupid stigma that society puts on women who have the courage to leave and try to rebuild their lives

@Afraidofhimrightnow tape him if you can. Switch your phone on.
I'm sorry you are afraid of him. What a bastard.
I put my phone in my bra, mind you I'm very busty you wouldn't know.
I hope you can get further help.

No but having seen first had the damage done to children by subjecting them to a home life with abusive men, I am increasingly running out of patience with women who stay, especially when there's no financial barrier to leaving.

@Merryoldgoat Absolutely, also my post wasn’t aimed at you just to clarify - there have just been far too many victim blaming threads on here recently. Or rather, threads that turn into victim blaming.

I do understand this. But at the same time Women's Aid have told me I don't have enough evidence beyond he said she said of his verbal aggressive behaviour, ie shouting and swearing is happening with the frequency it is to stop him being awarded overnight contact. So I would be leaving my little ones to be bathed and put to bed by a short tempered shouty scary man who can suddenly turn into a comedian and bring the fun like it's never happened. There will no protection for them at all.

@Merryoldgoat and that was the main reason I got out. I didn’t want my children to grow up thinking that shouting, belittling and treating your spouse with contempt is normal.

I agree. I got away from my abuser when pregnant as I knew if I had the baby I would be stuck with him. I think that’s it, a lot of people stay because they have kids and then when they kids grow up, they still continue to stay because they don’t know life any different - they don’t want to change the life that they’ve known practically their entire lives.

My advice would be to ensure you have a support network around you, family friends and if that’s not possible - there’s so many charities, shelters, help in the community. The police is the first person you need to contact if you are worried about your safety. And stay strong. I remember so many times I tried to leave and I just wasn’t strong enough, he had gaslit me to believe that I was always the problem and once I shook that mentality and realised no, it was HIM - I started to collect evidence to prove I wasn’t crazy. I started to construct a plan and I knew I was going to stick to it. Even after I stuck to it, I still hesitated about going back but I because I had a good support network who would have never allowed me to do that - that’s why I never went back.

you will heal, you will get your spark back, you will thrive and know that you are worthy.

Agreed - it's much better to be on your own than in a bad relationship.
I have friends though who simply can't imagine not being in a relationship.
I'm more than happy on my own when I'm in between relationships and I wonder whether that's why I'm less likely to put up with a shit relationship.

Thank you OP. My marriage is going down the toilet, DH is verbally (but not physically) abusive and is deeply ashamed of having an autistic, SEN child. However, my mother is dying and my child is very disabled and unable to cope with change. I have no family apart from DM and I can’t bring everything crashing down when she and DS are so vulnerable. But reading this thread has made me think and hope that one day I might be able to change things. 💐

I am away with my children for Christmas. Staying next door to the hotel I stayed in 10 years ago on honeymoon. That week was the first week my (now ex) husband started to criticise me and be aggressive. We’ve been free of him for several years now and we are all happy. We have no contact with him (protected by the family court - for all the bad press it gets it can work sometimes)

VAWG is a worldwide public health issue and really needs to be treated as such. The causes behind violent male behaviour need to be focused on more (rather than victim blaming) and eradicated. Obviously this is very complex but efforts and funding and resources need to go into this, rather than victim-blaming pseudo initiatives.

There needs to be more support for women too, whilst acknowledging this is not the solution to the problem. All women in abusive relationships should receive full support to be able to safety leave - including psychological and financial support. It is nowhere near as simple as ‘just leave’ especially when services designed to support women are chronically underfunded. There is still so much stigma and ignorance around abusive relationships, which I read on MN frequently, that serves as a barrier to women seeking help as they feel shamed and doubt their experiences.

Or tomorrow's victims.

Oh I see you said that. I don't have my glasses on! 🙄

Totally agree, OP but I also agree with the above.

My personal thing is, I only have two children and I often look at women with 3+ and think how much harder it would he to leave with a lot of children.

I never voice it but its what I always think when women post and are pregnant or want to be pregnant with their 5th. I suppose it's not something you think about when your relationship is/feels stable but I always makes me feel a little bit anxious and I have a feeling of that's a lot of children to leave with if it should ever become necessary.

It's also a LOT easier to do when your baby is in utero!

My late mother was a police officer working in DV.
Her advice:
have your own money always.
Do not have children without a marriage. Make sure you leave immediately if you are subject to violence.

My BFF was targeted by a divorced dad living with his parents. He took her house, he's still in it. She left in in 2006. He nearly killed her.
Ive know four other friends and my sister be targeted for their houses. All the men follow the same method, love bomb, move in, do fuck all.
Some claim suicidal thoughts if you ask them to leave, others violence. Or they cut off the women's friends who try to warn her.
My sister had to buy her own Christmas dinner yesterday her husband paid for his and his mum's. His reasoning? She's a chef and should have been putting his dinner on the table. Arse hole.

And those children are sadly tomorrow's abusers and abused because of the modelling they see.

Yeah...
Jog on, mate 😆

Very good!
👍👏