AIBU to ask all the women on here with shitty nasty partners and husbands to really think about how they can escape them as soon as possible?

Gosh yes

This had to be spelt out to me and on MN

They make you think you are the problem

7 years ago I had an awful Xmas
He was abusing me and trying to force me into a marriage

One morning when I asked to speak about the abuse he took a knife to me

I was 38 weeks pregnant
Ran in my pjs and then went back a few days later

When I returned he told me he had to and it all ramped up a week later

Thank god I had this site at the time
I used to think I was losing my mind and the great kindness on here meant it was a safe place to ask questions and look for advice

I got away when the baby was 5 weeks old and we have a great life

The bastard didn't get jail as the system is so badly geared for men

But

We are free

And every year I make a donation to the wonderful people at women's aid and I always think of the decent ladies on here when I I donate as I would not be alive now if I stayed

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I think there can be an issue on MN where ‘low level’ abusive/shitty behaviour is normalised, usually within the context of the husband being a high earner. It is normalised that this behaviour is accepted in order to have a higher quality of life financially, like some sort of trade off. If a women questions this it can make others in the same situation defensive, and then the minimising / telling her to stay with him/ ‘think of the children!!1!’ begins. It is frustrating to witness.

We need to raise women and girls self esteem and autonomy, which isn’t easy in a misogynistic society but still. We should not be accepting this shit and should have options in 2024 (almost 2025!).

@Merryoldgoat I fully endorse this message and it needs repeating now more than ever.

The posts on MN are getting worse by the day and I sit in wonderment at what some women and children are living everyday. And that is without even touching the abusive relationships.

Women with resources - stuck.

Women afraid of a drop in lifestyle- stuck.

Seemingly intelligent and competent women just giving away their children's home, happiness and security.

Women encouraging women on this blessed site to remain in shit situations, because they did/ because being single is shit/ because with communication a man can change...

There was a thread with a man behaving maliciously towards a 3 year old and the amount of posters who thought the OP should stay and figure it out, even after she'd decided to leave... 🤦🏾‍♀️. Unbelievable!

Most people know that leaving isn't easy, but creating a plan is crucial for getting away.

@Merryoldgoat 👏
Reading so many posts over the last 2 days has really made me sad at how some people are being treated.

Retirement gives your more free time to be a vigilante!

Yes usually (in my case at least) as he's convinced the woman that she's the issue and she's lucky he's putting up with all her nonsense and emotionally

Your poor mum I'm sorry op. I hope that her suffering won't be in vain if it helps others to hold it in mind and be brave and leave (safely with an advance plan before you tell him)

You’re so right
There have been some horrific situations on MN this year.
The next more shocking than the last
Thank god there is MN for women to turn to for solid advice 💪🏻

Again the aforementioned late copper mother was much married.
First one violence, binned, she became a copper because of him.
Second liked a fresh one each year, binned.
Third one my lovely late dad loved her more. That was her advice. Make sure they love you more.

My DH is a good man but any shit from him, he's under the patio. I've seen abuse too often. I'd rather live in a shed with safe kids than play the losing everything card.
My telling of my friends bruised bump more than twenty years later still makes me cry. Don't be that person. A violent person can rarely change (I have to say that as I have a trainee psychologist DD who'd disagree). Personally I wouldn't take the risk.
Get in your car, grab any tech and paperwork and get away.

Very good advice from WB Yeats. If you trust someone totally & unconditionally that (potentially) gives them total & unconditional power over you.
Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Women need to be more like men, push for control from the kick off & be strategic.

Absolutely agree, OP and thanks for bringing this to light, especially when there are innocent kids involved!

But what causes shitty men? Is it shitty parenting from when they were growing up? Did they not receive enough love from primary care giver so don't know how to love? Were their parents always angry/dismissive/drunk etc?

I'm not making excuses btw, but people aren't born shitty!

To those of you who are experiencing this, I really hope that you are able to come through it and can receive all the help and support you need ❤️

As a social worker who has largely worked in child protection and now in family courts I still to this day shocked by the number of men that target vulnerable single mothers and vulnerable young women. If anyone is not sure what to do or whether they are in an abusive relationship then look up women’s aid… and the power and control wheel
www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/understanding-power-control-wheel/

I was one of the 'not realising how bad it really was' ones. Then when I did, I couldn't work out how to leave without it getting even worse. In the end, the decision was made for me, and it did get worse as his behaviour through the divorce was appalling. However, the relief I felt at being released more than compensated for that.

I also urge any woman in this position to seek help, you are not alone. It is not easy, but it is so worthwhile. A lot of us understand what it is to be abused and we do not judge, but we will try to help and support you.

@ShortyShorts i think they are either men or they think the believe they have no choice.
My BFF was in hospital and had broken her ankle in multiple places. Her partner was pressing her morphine drive! At this time she loved him. She knocked my door six months pregnant and bruised all over her bump as he'd kicked her.
My retired copper mother moved her. Sadly she went back and it took her another eight years to leave. I went to court for her and I'd do it again. If I wasn't so old and disabled I'd be a politician just to campaign against these shits.
We need many voices to stop these people. I've never been scared in my life but I've lost my strength due to illness. I'm vulnerable but I would always advocate for women to gather their strength. We are stronger than we know.

Until I joined Mumsnet, I thought being chased around our flat by my screaming husband was a tolerable level of marital discord. Until I got exposed to the high standards of many of the women on here, I didn't know they were standards you could expect to be met.

I also remember reading for the first time on here that you could leave your partner for any reason you liked, and that really blowing my mind.

If you grow up in an abusive household and you don't have emotionally mature parents, it's very easy to end up in an abusive marriage which seems still, somehow, calmer and more secure than your childhood.

I'm divorced now and in therapy, due at least in part to these forums.

"It does make me wonder what those posters' agendas are "

These posters who go against the theme of the thread are probably men, or trolls, or both. there are lots of misogynists out there, trying their best to gaslight and minimise things. Don't take them on, just ignore, and if they are offensive, report.

Exactly, they don't need sarcasm or people pretending the OP (or anyone) is saying that leaving is 'simple'.

It does make me wonder what those poster's agendas are.

I hesitate to post this, as it’s not my situation to share, but if it helps one wavering person decide to get out, it’ll be worth it.

One of DM’s friends was hit by her husband early in their marriage. He proceeded to abuse her for the next sixty years. Not a typo, sixty years. She did try to leave a couple of times, but somehow got drawn back in. That unspeakable shit ruined her life. He finally died, thank fuck, but by then, friend’s health (I suspect both mental and physical) was shot. Oh, and they had three daughters, all of whom married absolute shits of men.

Nobody should go through what DM’s friend went through. Abusive men will never change, never stop, they only up the ante as time goes by. If you’re with one, please make plans to get out.

There can’t be too many threads about this. I found Mumsnet really helpful even though it took me 10 years to leave! Helped me focus and understand what I needed to do when it became possible.
If you’re here a lot you may think this is done to death but there is always a new batch of abused women who may be visiting the site for the first time. They also need the repeated advice, the support and a copy of the script!

I read this today and wondered if they'd ever been on here.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c05pv0yy5y3o

This is not my thread but this is not about the OP patronising other women. It's meant to be helpful. The last few weeks on munsnet there have been truly horrific stories of abuse including one yesterday of a women being thrown around by her teacher husband.
My boyfriend before my DH raped me and tried to strangle me. I reported him. Times were different but I always wondered what happened to him. He had all the behaviour of a psychopath.
My DS is in Westminster and it is very much on the agenda for the police to help women. We also have to help ourselves. A skint mother is better than a dead one.
Domestic violence is a coward's mo and should carry a custodial sentence always. No access.

Exactly 👏👏

Shouldn't need to be said really.

Yep. My best mate was crying yesterday over some fuckwit that treats her like absolute shit - doesn't matter how many times l tell her, she just won't see he's not worth it.