AIBU to ask all the women on here with shitty nasty partners and husbands to really think about how they can escape them as soon as possible?

@Merryoldgoat

I very clearly said I know it’s not easy.

And I’m not really especially well-intentioned.

Other women being miserable doesn’t affect me - I’m in a completely non-abusive relationship with an equal partner. I’m fine.

I’m just saying that if you’re in an untenable position make a plan.

That is just so rude, you don't understand abuse because as you state you are in a completely non abusive relationship. Even those who think they wouldn't get caught up with a man like that, can.
You don't make a plan because when you are stuck in it, that's not on your mind. Yes when you speak out making a plan will be mentioned which can help towards that happening, but not otherwise.
It takes ALOT to leave.

Only someone who hasn't gone through it can speak this way, you haven't got a clue.

Exactly, i have said things in a similar way on some of my comments on this post. It really isn't that easy! We can all talk in hindsight but at the time when you are in it, it is not easy at all.

Well unless they are homeless, they live somewhere, but yes I know what you mean.
Some are in house shares or living with family.
They don't all move in as such, but stay some days/nights at the gf's and wherever else they live.
Also not all don't pay up or live for free.

But with that I have heard women complain about them not paying more, or for other things.
Or making excuses rather keep them in their home than not have them at all.

Plus all in all, one particular example I can refer to, the guy still did well, because what he paid per month to live in the woman's flat, he would of paid more for a room in a shared house.
Plus to have your cooking cleaning washing done.
His main motive for the whole thing from 'dating' reeling her in, to obtaining her address without her permission to moving himself in, was to get legal stay in the UK.
He since left thank god but years of damage done.

Some men should NEVER leave their mummys.

You aren't lucky it's supposed to be the norm, this is again why some men doing the bare minimum or a bit more get praised.
You'd like to think you wouldn't put up with things, but you don't know. Also those types of men look for certain individuals, it's not about the woman not being strong enough or laying down boundaries, it doesn't work with an abusive man!
The only one you can have, is that you don't get involved full stop, ideally.

They test the woman and especially the ones they see are vulnerable or not in a good position. They see how far they can go and when they get past one point, it goes on and on.

Can't agree more on that.
I include myself in this and several women whose stories I know of or have heard, where we as women, I hate to say 'we are guilty of' but I mean in that we wait to see/hear more. We wait to see if things get better, they don't and even if they did, it doesn't change what the man has already done.

For some including myself it's what I grew up with, but for others who had a different upbringing etc. It's about learning, that when one thing happens that's it gone!
There is too much consideration that goes in to it, we doubt ourselves or we think it's only a small thing they have done.
So we wait it out and surprise they do something again and it's a bigger thing, but we hang on yet again.
The cycle of abuse is terrible, and also when you are in love as you think, you want things to be ok so you live in this ideal world, which it's nothing like that.

@WomanIsTaken All very eloquently put and hard to argue with. That said, I remain frustrated with women who continue their relationships and go on to have children with men who are walking red flags. Don't get embroiled with them. Walk away before you bring children into the picture. Build your own career. Remain financially independent. I know this is a simplistic view in some situations and I get that there are forced marriages and women with abusive upbringings who have poor boundaries and frames of reference but for the average woman who insists on remaining with a man who has red flags galore, yes, I'm out of patience.

So sorry Vinvertebrate that seems very tough for you just now . I am sorry to hear about your Mum and it is also heartbreaking to hear that your H is ashamed about his son .
I think quite often people with no real experience or understanding of the complexities of relationships and how torn and guilty people can feel are quick to say LTB .That they would never put up with it etc .

Your circumstances show how complex this can be . I know OP isn't saying that here and I agree with her sentiment about having a plan . That is the acknowledgment that the relationship isn't healthy for you, but other factors mean that you can't leave imminently .

I hope that when the time is right for you that you can post and get your own advice and support from the lovely ladies here .

Take care in the meantime

And stop breeding with them, why on earth does this need to said out loud

I should have added when an op says DV is going on and there are children involved.

That's what I try to get across when DV is going on in a household.
I was that child I saw ,heard,had violence used against me .
It takes decades to reconcile with I managed with the help of CBT but it took me 50 years to get there.

This thread has bothered me since earlier today (well, yesterday). Checking in again now and seeing some predictable and frustrating responses.

Women who insightfully highlight that certain sentiments on the thread may serve to compound shame and to simplify or minimise the issues faced by women in abusive relationships are not 'men' or 'trolls' or 'misogynists' trying to shut anything down. More likely, they are women who are contributing professional or lived experience, and who understand all the subtleties, complexities and dangers inherent in remaining in and extricating oneself and one's children from an abusive relationship.

A woman leaving a partner who is likely to get some portion of joint custody (the burden of evidence required to prevent access altogether is significant and often not attainable) is facing the reality of her children being cared for, unsupervised, by her manipulative, aggressive, coercive, dominant, neglectful or even violent ex-partner. She is facing harm to herself, her children, her property and reputation (professional reputational damage is a recognised lever for revenge as abusive exes make vexatious complaints or claims to professional bodies and insurers, trash online reviews, sabotage contracts and contacts, and force women to max out on time off work as they crash contact arrangements, leaving her vulnerable at a time when she, more than ever, needs to be able to rely on her capacity to provide for herself and her DC).

Women who leave abusive relationships have statistically tried to leave multiple times prior to the time when they are able to finally leave. They will have planned, thought, reached out, enquired, researched, saved; done all the right things. Only for something to happen which makes it too risky to follow through. Working with women in crisis, I know that when a woman says that her spouse or partner will make her life difficult, or come after her, she rarely says those things frivolously. She'll know precisely what he's capable of, and will have deemed the stakes too high.

So yes, let's encourage women who are on this very arduous journey, but please, until DV services and children's services, local authorities, banks, employers, housing associations, benefits agencies, police and the judiciary actively run toward those among us who need them, less of the 'unforgiveable', 'parents' choice', 'both parents', 'so many women', 'running out of patience with', 'abusers of the future' etc. If you're good, then count your blessings and afford the next woman her dignity and good grace and amplify the work of those who specialise in women's services through donations and signposting.

Never ever stop working. Never rely on someone else for financial security. That should be handed down to every female child at birth.

That’s really the thing above all else that I want my daughter to remember. It’s the only thing you can control.

You can’t preempt or predict how a man will turn out when you have children. You may think you can tell a good one from a bad one but you really can’t. Marriage might give you a bit of insurance. But it won’t save you and it will make it harder to leave.

Thats really the only thing you can do. Keep your money and remember it’s the one thing that might stand between you and an abusive or neglectful marriage. Financial independence is everything.

@Mrsredlipstick I hope that they now teach how psychology of old is based on sexist stereotypes and assumptions/bias. Even if we agreed that violent people can change, it's universally agreed that they shouldn't re-enter a relationship with a person they have been violent to.

That's if you can easily ignore the women murdered as they leave and afterwards. Also the children killed, abused and left permanently disabled because the father still gets access. As a pp said, she's been told by WA that he will get overnight access, which leaves her children at risk of abuse.
There's been cases of children murdered by the father after him getting residency of the child.
I'd also like to add that abusive lesbians also target single Mums. It's something that has been on SS radar for around fifteen years, although Star Hobson was failed by her SWs.

If he was the one ignoring the child when she returned from her dad, yes.

Relationships are meant to be supportive and kind, but if you try starting a thread along those lines you'll be quickly shut down.

This is what it is, and is as sad as it is frustrating.
Threads like this hopefully shines a light on it, until we have managed to work through the misogyny and stigma of leaving shit relationships.

It's partly through mumsnet posts that I started to realise just how bad my marriage was. I had grown up in a single parent family and had no idea how I should/shouldn't be treated (I'd been abused as a child).
It took me years to get to the point I was financially secure enough to leave. Last year I finally ran away. Ultimately it was the best thing i ever did, but it was also the hardest thing I ever did. The desire to go back to my abuser was massive (never understood how that could be until I was in that situation). As all the stuff he had done (rape, physical violence, emotional abuse, having affairs) that I had blocked out to be able to survive started to come back and I was suicidal for months. The kids were all under camhs as they were suicidal too.
It's taken about 18months for me to feel like there might be light at the end of the tunnel. So yes definitely encourage people to make a plan. But if you know anyone personally going through abuse really really stand by them as they will really need your support.

Edit to add- and despite everything I still wasn't sure when I finally went to see women's aid that I was in an abusive marriage and it wasn't all in my head. Because when someone says walk away when they are first violent - is that the first time they break something that belongs to you as you have annoyed them, or the first time the car boot falls on your head (but they say they were trying to catch it), etc. It builds up slowly until it is just normal to have things thrown at you.

It's so hard to see it when you're in it. When you have someone distorting your reality and placing all the blame at your feet and at the same time telling you that it's for your own good etc.

It takes a long time too from realising what's happening to building up the strength and courage and resources to leave when your self esteem and independence have been slowly eroded without you even realising.

Especially when they start being nice and promising you the world and that they'll change. And/or telling you that you're overreacting/it's not that bad/your own fault/generally making you doubt your own perception of what's going on.

It's truly insidious. I wish it was as simple as just leaving.

@Dweetfidilove was the post about the three year old where the step partner shut the door on a crying child?
I despair.
I have until recently had a big job. I fell very ill. My husband has fed me, bathed me and wiped my bum!

He doesn't speak to his brother because of his behaviour towards his first wife and child. No big drama but doesn't see how this man can tell lies about his status to effect a new Catholic marriage. It's called principles. Nowt to do with me. I'm not catholic. I'd clone him if I could but a warning he can't cook!

I don't know what it's like to be divorced, but I have plenty of friends who have been there. 99% are very happy. Two were at a breakfast last week who had me laughing at the blokes trying their luck.
A little snipit from the BFF, paint any sole owned house pink then the CFs don't want to move in. Result.