To cancel Christmas for all future years?

I think getting the balance is important as I really do feel that bending to every ND child's whim is going to end up in them never being able to thrive in a society that's not going to do the same when they're grown up. Like my friends DC who gets driven around five different shops for five hours as he wants a very specific Pokémon card and he's screaming at them otherwise. I fear he'll never be able to live independently if he's infantilised and his expectations aren't managed in a safe way.

He spent the first few hours of the day asking if he could open his presents

Why couldn't he? He's waited until Christmas Day, Christmas Day is when you open presents, why make him wait until an arbitrary later time (arbitrary as in why is later ok but earlier is not)? I've never understood this tbh.

Different families have different rules and expectations.

How much is your younger child going to need to sacrifice over the years to accommodate the eldest? I wouldn't sacrifice his Christmas.

My 19 year old DD is autistic, and struggles massively with Christmas so we make it low key for her, while still having a fun day for everyone else.

She gets so anxious about the day that she ends up overwhelmed, over stimulated and on the verge of tears for most of the build up.

She chooses her own presents and we buy exactly what she asks for. The most stressful part is presents for her - she’s not great at getting presents, never knows how she should react to them, how to act, worries that people will think she’s ungrateful if she doesn’t get it right, and finds masking surprise and happiness exhausting. She knows what she’s got in advance so there’s no surprise. Sounds miserable, but I’ve learnt from experience, surprises aren’t enjoyable for her and worrying about it just spoils it all for her.

I always make sure there’s a couple of her safe foods on her plate - fish fingers and scampi are an odd addition to Christmas dinner granted, but it avoids the food stress as she knows there’s something she’ll eat without worrying about it.

I give her plenty of ‘outs’ so she can take 5 minutes to breathe. Walk the dog, take the rubbish out, she gets fancy toiletries in her stocking so she can have a nice shower and a chill in her room, etc.

I wouldn’t cancel Christmas; and it is hard, but we’ve made some compromises over the years that work well for DD without impacting everyone else.

Why make him wait to open his presents? This is the first thing we do. Mind you, you do then have an hour wresting to get everything out of the boxes and then the rest of the day wishing you'd bought batteries and running around with a screwdriver.

I am beyond over the Christmas lunch though. One pot wonder and done next year, or maybe even a buffet. I can't and won't be arsed next time.

There are lots of tips for reducing stress levels for ND children at Christmas - one in particular that I can think of that might help you is not to wrap their presents at all (or only to wrap them in something clear that they can see through) and give them all their presents in a box for them to "open" when they choose. Do you have any support from school or similar, do they do parenting courses for parents of ND children? Our school does, the sessions are very popular and apparently very helpful.

This is interesting and I think approaches to autism may have changed since your dd was little, as you and I are basically advocating for opposite approaches. Not a criticism by the way, but I just find it interesting that 15-20 years later the advice being given to me is quite different. Complicated even more by autism being such a broad spectrum.

As PP have said, why not open presents first thing in the morning? That's what we do and what I thought almost everyone did? Can't see why you would make an autistic child wait if it is going to cause stress and over stimulation.

Also, why not take him shopping and/or shop online with him so he chooses his exact present, and then just supplement with a few very small surprises. We do that every though my kids are neurotypical. They want a particular Star Wars LEGO set, not just any LEGO set, or any Star Wars LEGO set. The fun of being surprised is outweighed by the disappointment if you get it wrong.

No it would be ludicrously selfish to cancel it altogether for the younger sibling but also for him. Certainly switch things up though- can you keep elements of his routine and usual food? Something else with presents etc.

Is it worth trying to modify the day? For example - Buy the presents with him and don’t wrap them. Let him eat and wear whatever he wants. Let him spend time in his room when the bits he doesn’t like happen, even if that means he misses the meal. Get him a computer game or something he loves that will keep him busy all day.

You can make a Christmas that is autism and NT friendly. I'm sure your nt child wouldn't mind opening presents earlier or a simpler meal, or thier sibling being allowed to go to thier room for chill time, whilst they got some undivided attention.

My nt child said he really liked our more relaxed autusm friendly Christmas and his friends schedules sounded frantic and not as fun. It took a few years to settle in to it though.

All 3 DC are ASD and the youngest is the worst. But Christmas happens every year and they need to learn to deal with it.

Make any reasonable adjustments you can. Allowing him to open his presents first thing is an easy one, you know they can't wait. We never wrapped presents which he didn't know he was getting, and found that just leaving them lying around for him to find was less stressful than handing him a present to open with the expectations that brings.

All kids whine about their gifts that miss the mark until they learn better manners, just stay calm. And only get him what he expressly wants, giving them something they didn't ask for is stressful even if they will like it because its more unexpected to deal with.

It will get better.

This seems like an overreaction. I have a dd with asd and she opened her presents and cried because she was overwhelmed. We knew this could happen, reassured her and moved on. If it’s not working though, you need to change it. so why is he asking to open his presents for hours? Just let him open them. If the presents are not right try a different approach. Dds senco was telling me about a family where there are no surprises and all presents were bought together and then wrapped. It may feel wrong, but might actually help your ds to know exactly what he is getting. There were some great examples of ND buffets on the Christmas dinner thread - does he have to eat something different or can you guy’s have a Christmas dinner and he have something familiar? Basically we found things got easier when we went with the flow of what dd needed rather than holding on to rigid ideas about how things should be done. We still had a lovely Christmas and so did she.

Yabu, it gets better as they get older and you can't make everything about the one child. My eldest dc is autistic and quite frankly no way was I making our lives all about her, she was expected to fit in with us and her sister. (Yes there was many hiccups to my master plan but our autism specialist from when she was 2 gave me the advice that it was my job as a parent to teach her to fit in with society because society won't be changing to fit in with her, she's 25 and independent.). Don't let them dictate to you what to buy etc

Another person asking why can’t they open presents first thing?

I’ve got an autistic 17 with a love/hate relationship with Christmas. She loves some aspects but others are really challenging. We do have to allow concessions so we can all enjoy it. Yesterday our big family meal was cancelled due to sickness in the hosting party. DD got to mooch about at her own pace and had a great day. It is hard work constantly checking what she wants to eat, what social stuff she feels she can cope with. Presents have to be exactly what she requested. But we have made it work and do have some lovely memories despite the stress.

Why did he need to wait 3 hours for presents? We do them first thing at home, because there is no way my autistic kids would cope with waiting. No presents under the tree until they are in bed the night before, or the anticipation is too much. Why do the presents have to be a surprise? Why cannot he eat his usual food? It feels like there are some quick wins here to improve everyone's day.

You can get the balance right. My DH is autistic and it's overwhelming. We decided no gifts, little TV or music safe foods and no visitors/visiting. He was up at 5am doing his hobbies, I got up at 9. We had coffee, rang round the relatives. Did a roast. Watched a carry on film. I went to bed at 9, he stayed up till midnight. Same today he is in his workshop hobbling, I'm in front room on Mumsnet ( three hours now, I should have a shower and get dressed). What am I saying? Just let him be, don't try to make him conform to what you think your day should be.

I don’t know what it’s like to have an autistic child but I do wanna ask a question do autistic children get away with being rude about what you’ve bought as presents? saying it’s not quite right a Neurotypical person would not get away with that so why are they allowed to be disrespectful about what presents you have bought?

Why did he have to wait for hours to open his presents. I have an 8 yr old waiting assessment for autism and ADHD, I feel like meeting her and her younger sister’s needs to a constant learning curve.

We tried to keep December low key but I don’t think we managed that this well this year. What helps your oldest? Time table of what’s happening on the run up to christmas, time table of the day, social stories, ensuring sensory needs are meet in the run up to the day and on the day it’s self?

What would you do / not do if you “cancel Christmas”? Christmas will still happen, the shops will still be closed. You’ll still have to eat, people will still wish you a happy Christmas and some will send you cards. There will be an elephant in the room about presents.

What exactly are you proposing? You could, i suppose, forbid the word to be said.

Time to get a grip and discuss with your family what you all want

He spent the first few hours of the day asking if he could open his presents

Why make him wait? Universally kids want to open their presents first thing - it’s literally the best bit of Christmas for them and what most of the build up has been about.

Cancelling Christmas is unfair on your younger child. Just chalk this one up to a learning experience and use it to change the way you do things next year.

He is getting to the age he can decide for himself how he spends the day and what food he eats.

Next year, set him a budget and let him order his own presents online so he gets the exact things he wants, and give him the choice of spending time in his room if that is what he prefers.

The rest of the world has celebrations. He has to learn to coexist with that or how will he ever live with anyone?

I wouldn’t think you can cancel Christmas since you’ve a younger child. Can you do things like let him eat food he eats everyday instead if traditional Christmas dinner. Could he research his Christmas presents and tell you the exact brand/model he wants. Maybe time for him to chill in his room for a while ?

Or maybe you’ve tried all this already.

As above.

Children who have siblings with additional needs usually have their needs sidelined to a certain extent, which is unavoidable in some scenarios but incredibly hard for the child regardless.

Christmas is something your younger child loves - taking it away to accommodate his sibling would be a massive indication that he comes second at a time of year all his friends will be enjoying it.