To cancel Christmas for all future years?

As an autistic adult I think there's a middle ground here and it comes down to who's affected.

If an autistic child hates surprises, it's unkind to insist on surprise presents "because that's what happens at Christmas". It's making what should be a positive experience for the child into an unpleasant one, for no good reason. But if they insisted, for instance, that a younger sibling shouldn't get any surprises either, that's right to push back on and refuse to accommodate, because it's affecting someone else.

So OP shouldn't cancel Christmas, but there's no reason her autistic child shouldn't be able to choose what he's getting in advance, open his presents straight away, eat his usual food, and take time out from celebrations if he's getting overwhelmed. That doesn't stop the rest of the family from eating traditional Christmas dinner or playing board games or whatever it is they want to do.

One of my quirks is that I hate opening presents in front of people. It used to make Christmas really stressful, because I knew I was expected to pretend to be delighted with even presents that I didn't want or care about or risk upsetting people, I couldn't do it, there were always cameras about... as a teenager I just said I wouldn't do it, I'd open them privately and thank people afterwards. Sure, they thought it was weird, but it took away a major source of stress. I was able to thank people in a socially appropriate way when I wasn't expected to do it instantly after a surprise. Forcing me to do it to 'fit in' wouldn't have helped anything, just made me miserable. I'm the same as an adult!

You need to find a balance. How could you consider cancelling Christmas from now on when your youngest absolutely loves it? That would be horrible.

First off it’s unreasonable to expect small children to wait for hours to open gifts whether NT or ND. Secondly if you know he will not cope just let him eat what he normally does. Also let him go in his room for as long as he wants. It’s a shame it really is but you cannot ever compare your sons reactions, it’s really unfair.

I don’t have an autistic child but ended up responsible for pastoral care of students in my dept with disabilities which did include a lot of young adults with autism, this is higher education. They were all exceptionally clever but it was a real struggle for them to interact and be away from home for the first time.

Why did you make him wait hours to open his presents?!

Could you try to make the structure of Christmas day closer to a normal day, eg eat your meals at the same times and offer some of his 'safe' foods in addition to the festive stuff? And maybe take him shopping for his presents in person rather than giving him any surprises on the day?

You can't cancel Christmas because of your younger DS, but you can adapt Christmas. I'm ND and have a mainly ND family. I always thought it was perfectly normal that Christmas meant not going anywhere, having a day with no demands on you, that everyone went off to use their presents for the morning (I was the bookish one like a PP mentioned) came back together for Christmas dinner of serve yourself what you wanted from the roast or whatever was the food requested to go with it, more going off to do what you wanted to do and then back together to watch a Christmas film in the evening.

Like a PP said, there aren't Christmas rules, you make it work for your family.

Can you add less change to a usual day by making him his usual dinner and have dinner at the usual time, you can have the xmas dinner and h3 can have his usual. What about money instead of presents too and he can spend some of the day looking online for things he chooses and orders. I wouldnt cancel xmas as you have a younger child too but you could make it a more normal day for him specifically and sort of christmas around him.

And what about the other child? Should everything be done for the eldest and the younger one miss our?

Why did he have to wait hours to open presents?? That would send my NT kids off the rails. One of my children is autistic and christmas day is very low demand. He wears what he wants, eats what he wants, takes himself for quiet time when needed. He spent most of yesterday building Lego quietly. It doesn't need to be torture. The other kids still enjoy it very much.
If you know food is likely to cause problems, just buy in some bits you know he will eat.

He spent the first few hours of the day asking if he could open his presents

Ridiculous to make him wait.

And why change his food? Go
ive him what he is used to.

Because it is a social communication disorder. A core feature is not understanding social rules or communicating in the same way as others. This is a bit like saying I don't have a deaf child but when they don't hear something why do they get away with it?
That's not to say some autistic people can't learn these rules and learn appropriate responses but not all can.

My son has learned to say thank you, that's really thoughtful and I appreciate it, but he sounds like a robot so it's not very convincing.

you just need to work around it. Now I let DD sleep in, she opens presents and then disappears. She eats dinner with us but she has pasta and was on great form last night. We have dinner now when she normally has hers.
She then went off again and came back to watch wallace and gromit later. Calmest Christmas we have had yet.
She had a minor meltdown and there’s been a few stressed in the last week about it coming up but she’s done well.
I think you need to just fit around them rather than them fitting around a new routine for one day.

Can you try letting him plan the Christmas Day routine? When to open presents, when to eat etc. Basically get the family to follow his routine for the day?

oh also, serve them the same food they like as normal, why force them to change? Mine had their chicken nuggets and cheese sandwiches.

I wondered this too.
I imagine he was agitated by the wait so that, by the time he opened them, underwhelmed.
And yes, I do have autistic DC.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/christmas-resources

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/leisure-and-going-out/christmas/tips

Another one here intrigued as to why he had to wait for hours to open his presents?

Making your child wait to open their presents was always going to lead to a meltdown, the first thing children do when they get up is want to open their presents.

All kids want to open their presents immediately - mine have opened theirs within 20 minutes of getting up! It’s normal kid behaviour so make life easier and just let them do that! You don’t have to abide by rules and set times for things, make your day work for your family.

I have 2 autistic kids, I had a bad day too and it was my own birthday as well. My dad is elderly and made the day hard as well. I am glad its all over. I don't do gifts on the day, the kids get their gifts that they choose themselves all through December.

No you can't cancel Christmas that's completely unfair. Also another one asking, why make him wait to open his presents?? 🙁

That's exactly what I thought!

You cannot cancel Xmas because of your other son . It's not fair to him .

In our family, we have always had:

• someone who just wants pasta, so they have Christmas pasta which is identical to the pasta they always have, except hurray it's Christmas!
• someone who really needs it to be ok for them to go to their room and read so they have Christmas books hurray
• someone who wants turkey and all the trimmings and hats, so they have that hurray it's Christmas!
• someone who needs to go outside every day for a long walk or run or tears will surely follow it's a Christmas run hurray!
• and so on

Letting go of ideas of Christmas as an external performance we all need to live up to, and instead firmly thinking of it as a time we are allowed to enjoy as a particular family has really helped us. Just really determinedly liking the people in our family and valuing their individual personalities (as I'm sure you do too!!), so letting our Christmas be a sort of emergent property of the family, has really helped us. Maybe it can help you a bit too. Happy Christmas.

Of course you can't cancel Christmas - you have a younger child to think about.

But you can (and should) restructure your day to set DS up for success rather than failure. Don't make him wait hours to open gifts, let him write a specific list and don't deviate from it (so if you can't get X, don't get an alternative, just buy something else off the list instead) and let him eat his usual "safe" foods while you all have Christmas Dinner.