To cancel Christmas for all future years?

OP I voted YABU, but I completely sympathise. My 12 yo DS is autistic and PDA. Extremely intelligent. He really, really struggles with Christmas and birthdays. But we have 2 younger DC who love Christmas, so we try our best to meet everyone's needs. We probably fail but we try our best.
It starts for us on Christmas Eve, DS never sleeps because of the anxiety of Christmas Day, so we start off with a very tired, fully wound child at 5am. He opens all his presents within 2 minutes and then has a meltdown even if he has got exactly what he wants, just from the overwhelm. Sometimes this is aggression - this year we didn't get aggression in the morning but he was so hyper and unmanageable.
Spent all morning on his iPad to stay regulated. Went to mum's for dinner, he tried so hard to sit at the table but managed 2 minutes then back to sit on his own with his iPad to eat, bread rolls and roast potatoes. Another meltdown over gifts. Got a remote controlled car and drove it into everyone's ankles on purpose. Crashed out at 10pm with his headphones on, fully dressed.
This morning we've had aggression and minor meltdowns but he's calming down a bit.
Amongst all this, the younger 2 DC have had a fab day. Utterly spoiled by everyone, full Christmas dinner, games, and fun.
They have an autistic brother. It's hard for them. They've been whacked and run away from meltdowns yesterday. This is their life. We communicate with them about how hard it is for their brother and why he is behaving like he is.
I get it. I'm exhausted and losing my sanity. But I don't think there's another way.

I also have an autistic child so you have my complete sympathies but I wouldn’t cancel Christmas. Maybe be a bit more go-with-the-flow..? Serve him his fave (safe) foods on his fave plate instead of traditional Christmas dinner, and if need be, let him eat in front of the telly or whatever he likes to do if he gets overwhelmed with the whole sit at the table thing. Keep deccies to a minimum but let little sibling go all out with decorating his roomzz try to keep bedtime routine as familiar as you can.. it’s really difficult, I know. It’s his Christmas too and if he celebrates it differently to everybody else then so be it 🤷‍♀️ I learnt a long time ago that our ‘normal’ isn’t everybody else’s and I’ve just accepted that and do what keeps our brood happy

I feel the same at the moment.
One of my children has complex needs and was completely overwhelmed by it all.
I think I know where I went wrong though, and will do it differently next year.

I really feel for you op. We have two children who can't cope but have an age gap and co platelet opposite additional needs so we are always fighting to make sure both are ok.
What's worked for us this year:

• We kept the run up as low key as possible. So, for example, rather than doing the school Christmas Fayre, we asked child who CAN cope with it what they looked forward to the most. Turned out it was hot dogs and sweets. So we agreed to do a hot dog and sweets tea that night and both kids were thrilled.

• Usually we are pressured into doing lots of things but the kids chose the see Santa and that was it. Again, the child who can cope was fine.

• We did separate things when needed. I took one to the pantomime and DH did a park with the other.

• We spread out the presents. We have low expectations and both kids can choose to open some Xmas Eve or Boxing Day etc. I don't make them wait for anything.

• I bought presents for Christmas Eve that would be calming.

• Make one child a separate meal. Just make them the usual.

Ultimately your youngest needs to learn that there is give and take in the world. You can adapt etc. Make your own Christmas rules - sod the rest of the world

Why make him wait? Universally kids want to open their presents first thing - it’s literally the best bit of Christmas for them and what most of the build up has been about. It's still the best bit of Christmas if it happens later, and it means the meal-preparer isn't left out. Not necessarily the right thing in this situation, but there's nothing abnormal in having presents opening later in the day.

Are there things you could do to help DS1 feel less overstimulated and overwhelmed?

Presents - you could think about timings for opening them, letting him see in advance what he's getting, etc. Some people struggle with wrapped gifts and prefer their gifts unwrapped.

Activities - could he do something different from the rest of the family for bits of the day, to help him cope? you could also do a timetable/planner for the day and the week so he can see what's going to happen and be involved in planning things.

Food - if he has dietary sensitivities, can these be accommodated more in terms of food available for him, serving plates, even eating separately if needed?

older mum of an older Autistic teen, just some things we do to make the day more tolerable for him.

We set expectations and pre-warn on how the day will go. When is breakfast, when is dinner, when is tea. When we will open presents.. we do this repeatedly on the run up to the day.

We practice "Now & Next" so "Now we're going to have breakfast, and then we're going to do x"

We give LOTS of warnings of change of task. so 30/20/10/5 minute warning for anything, food, presents, guests arriving...etc.

We don't make him participate in christmas dinner. He is asked to sit with us, but he eats 'normal' fair (Sausage and mash) and then is allowed to leave the table as soon as he is done.

We don't make him open crackers, we don't make him wear the hat.

He is encourage to spend down time in his room as often as he needs to help him regulate.
He isn't forced to engage with guests, and we do not visit ANYONE on xmas day.

You have more than one child so cancelling isn't really an option

Sounds like you personally have high and unreasonable expectations.

As everyone else has said why was he waiting hours, thats not normal. Most people open things first thing and if he can't handle the wait then do that... you are the adult who needs to tailor to him not the other way round.

Whats wrong with eating and playing games, my autistic teen does that all Christmas, takes off to his room after opening presents and plays alone and its no bother at all... he doesn't exist to be social entertainment to others. Let him have his fun.

Ungratefulness might sting but what do you mean he told you and its still wrong? how can't it be wrong if he told you the exact thing to get. While ungratefulness sucks you can't cancel your younger DS deserves happiness.

The meltdown sounds like the big problem, you say its from the change of routine so why not follow the normal routine for him? let him eat his normal food etc...

Let him shop with you and choose his presents he will appreciate that and still has the fun of opening them. Make his safe foods, my daughter had meatballs and hash browns! Let him have time away from the games if he needs to. Make sure he knows he can chill in his room for a bit if he needs to and do a gradual wind down to bed time.
Sending you a hug @Dumbiamnot , I know how you feel

Exactly this OP. Your stress levels and your child’s stress levels would be massively reduced just by these accommodations alone. I have a child with severe OCD. Christmas looked very unusual in our house because of it. Granola for Christmas dinner anyone? His Christmas presents were left unwrapped. He slept most of the day because of his medication. It makes me a bit sad and a bit nostalgic for other years, but our day was relatively stress free. Best just roll with it and try not to let your own expectations of the perfect day be counterproductive.

You've probably had lots of good advice here on how to make things a bit easier next year but what I spotted was this: "All was good for a few hours". Then your Christmas day was a huge success! Have a large gin and congratulate yourself.

Sympathies @Dumbiamnot ASD dd here too.
Can you put a tree in youngest room next year?
Maybe shift gift giving to Xmas eve for eldest?
Dinner can be whatever eldest usually eats.
My dd hated, hated gift giving with a passion. I just leave them laying around and sometimes she takes them upstairs or opens one as she passes. Or not.
It was the eyes watching her that triggered upsets. So I knocked that on the head pronto.
No music. Pared back decor. No visitors or visits out.
Took me a long, long time to get the balance right.
Strangely though, she always liked Christmas crackers with the joke and novelty gift and would hoard them.
Best of luck going forward. x

If he spent hours asking to open his presents surely you added to it by not letting him open them in the morning?

Of course you can't cancel, you have another child. They probably miss out already. You can't remove Christmas too.

Actually, I think it's full of hope and love, it's great to hear how many people plan so carefully to make things lovely for their families according to individual needs.

Things have changed because professionals started listening to Autistic people and how damaging being forced to fit in was. Autistic people are 9x more likely to die by suicide and a lot of what contributes to that is a feeling they don't fit in and emotional exhaustion from masking.

You have a younger child, you will already no doubt ‘suffer’ because everything has to revolve around his sibling. I get it in that I have family members who have a disabled child, in this case younger, and the older missed out due to time spent in hospital, needs of the younger having to take priority, never having the attention of both parents, just one in turn, not being able to do what they wanted as the younger came first due to disability

Dont cancel Christmas because your child can’t cope, put in coping mechanisms, do the normal food for them, Christmas food for the rest of you, let them eat in their room separately, take lots of breaks so the older child gets down time in their room and focus on his sibling

Don’t cancel Christmas it will just lead to angst when the kids are older

I assumed that all people got up and opened their presents in pyjamas and then went to get dressed and have lunch etc. Clearly this would make your day far easier. I don't know anyone who waits until later I'm the day to open presents especially those with kids. Why would you?

I have a 10 year old autistic child (also highly intelligent) so can completely emphasise. It’s so difficult sometimes. Be kind to yourself and remember parenting an autistic child (particularly if you yourself are neurotypical) is flipping tough! xx

We practice Low Demand Parenting which has been revolutionary for my child. We used to have awful Christmasses but now they are great. She even managed to come play games with her cousins yesterday which is not something she’s been able to do in the past. I think she now trusts us to put her needs first. For example, if she had become overwhelmed and dysregulated, one of us would have taken her home and she knew that. We also asked if she wanted to come rather than forcing her to. In the end we had to say it’s time to go home!

Another thing that has really helped our child is 1-1 mentoring with an autistic adult. I’d really recommend this if your child would be open to it.

Take it easy today and chill! You’re doing great!

Try to make the day as close to a normal routine as possible. Meals at normal times, with options for his normal food. Use whatever pre-prepared Christmas things you need to make that manageable. TV/screens at normal times with normal limits. Getting up/bedtime at normal times.

No judgement here, we're all handling things differently. For information, both my DH and DS are autistic.

I used to try to do a specific type of Christmas dinner, with all the usual items, but it just meant I'd end up making absolutely loads of different items so that other people would actually have something they enjoyed, as well.

I gradually started changing things. Who the hell was actually judging what we ate for Christmas? We ended up going all in on pigs in blankets for DS as his main protein because he didn't really like turkey. I'm sure there were at least two years where I just bought in loads of M&S party foods for grazing on.

I had eventually realised that it's a holiday and we should all be having foods we get excited about, not foods we feel obligated to eat.

The only 'rule' for presents (which thankfully appeals to everyone's practical brains) is that everyone must be there before they're opened. (I don't mean people visiting, either. Everyone in the immediate household. ie, don't open things when the person who gave them isn't there to witness it!)

Anyway, you definitely need a break for now, but maybe re-assess expectations for next year rather than cancelling entirely.

Becuase if they are already over stimulated and struggling then choosing that moment to pull them up on being rude is going to make things worse. Need to talk about it at a time when they are calm and can actually take in what you are saying otherwise it’s pointless and will end up making the day worse. Lots of autistic people are also to the point and say things how they are without realising they are being rude, most kids know somehow without ever being specifically taught so it’s doubly hard with an autistic one

I think ALL children and even some adults can get overwhelmed with Christmas Day. It’s not just a ND thing. We’ve (house full of adults) all got our little triggers and have been, at points, ratty and irritable and emotional.

The key is to let have people have Christmas on their own terms as much as possible. No rigid rules about food, timings, clothes and social time.

Restructure his christmas.

Give him a Christmas Day schedule in advance - time to open presents, meal times, time to play with stuff, so he knows what to expect.

Give him a voucher for his presents, home made, that tells him the budget and a day you will go with him to buy said presents, that way they are exactly right, and you can do this online or in person, or both, either before or after or again, both.

Give him his normal food at his normal time if that's what will make him feel comfortable.

The schedule can let him know what other people will be doing, he doesn't have to do the same though, he could sit and play games or with his presents whilst you eat an oddly timed meal for example.

Don't cancel, but change your expectations of what christmas looks like for now. It may get better as he gets older, it might not, but let go of the pressure of having a traditional/picture perfect christmas.

As others have said let him open presents when he wants, I dont know anyone with kids who waits, most people I know are surrounded by wrapping paper within an hour of waking! You might be able to appease him by doing half first thing and half later on, but maybe not, just go with what is the least stress

Have your preferred christmas dinner, with added pizza/nuggets/pasta/chips, whatever is his safe food. You don't have to eat it, but he should have something he loves, it's his christmas too

I'm not sure if you bought his presents with him, or when, but if he chose them weeks before Christmas or you bought them online I'd try changing this to going shopping in the week before. So he can see them in real life and what he's chosen is fresh in his mind

Don't force him to go to church/for a walk/to play family games, let him opt out of anything that's not part of his routine, if you're leaving the house one of the adults will obviouslt need to stay behind, but hopefully that's only for a few years until he can stay home alone, decide whether that trade off is worth less meltdowns.