To cancel Christmas for all future years?

Dont cancel ,as that would be upsetting for younger DC

It’s so hard navigating Christmas with an autistic child - I feel we have it fairly easy but …
we woke at 6am with my son so he could open his presents “from Santa” then went back to sleep until 8 when my daughter woke up and we opened hers.
for years my son ate Christmas dinner on his own in the lounge as sitting around the table was too much for him (luckily Christmas dinner food is his favourite type of food but I would have fed him cheese sandwiches to keep him happy). Now he does sit with us but as soon as he has finished eating he gets up and leaves the table (even though we are all still eating.)
he spent most of the day playing on the switch and hogging the tv with his favourite shows…
but he was happy and calm he could disappear upstairs when he wanted. He played a few games with us. We all opened family presents together. We watched a Christmas film together.
he also stayed in his pyjama bottoms all day.
he also constantly jumps on his trampette in the living room.

he is 15 and it’s taken some lowering of expectations and compromising from both sides (gradually from his) also finding what motivates him that we can integrate into family time. It is not a “perfect family Christmas”. But we were once where you were - violent meltdowns that lasted for hours and he could barely interact as he was just too dysregulated.
keep going. Work out gradually what works for all of you. The saddest/hardest thing is having to change the idea of a perfect Christmas in our heads.

really empathise with you as it can be tough going.

Firstly why is DS having to wait to open presents? Most DC even if not ND surely want to open them first thing? Also my DD has had fish with chips before! Christmas is a lovely time .But just try to not worry ,let them do their own thing ,keep food and so on the same and maybe wind down with a film or whatever he wants to do

Is there a reason why he couldn't open his presents when he asked in the morning?

Mine choose all their presents and often look at them again just before I wrap them. This has reduced a lot of anxiety around presents. I found it hard to adjust to this as I like them to be a surprise but realised that ultimately it's not about me feeling like I need to uphold certain traditions or ideas or me enjoying their surprise presents, but about them being able to enjoy what they've got without unnecessary anxiety. They have the same foods they usually do, there's no pressure to do any Christmassy things and they can go to their rooms if they want we won't be offended.

You have 2 children. Why does your non autistic child have to suffer ? Does he often have to go without and play second fiddle ?

I'm confused. Why couldn't he open his presents first thing?

Could he choose his own presents in future? So that he knows what to expect and gets things that he truly wants.

Could he just eat what he usually eats? Keep the day simple.

There's a lot you could do before you cancel Christmas which seems ridiculous tbh.

Does your ND child enjoy Christmas, though? Maybe you could get them their usual food etc. If not… holiday camp?

It would be extremely unfair on your NT child to not have Christmas because of their sibling. But it just wrapped up as well, it’s probably just your exhaustion talking.

You can't not have Xmas as your other DC will resent this. First questions is "He spent the first few hours of the day asking if he could open his presents" - why didn't he have them as soon as he woke up? My kids want them when they wake up and they are in their teens. Secondly, I'd suggest buy the presents with him, but keep them for Christmas, explain what you'll be going in advance. That way he chooses and gets full say, but then keeps them for the Special Day. Third suggestion would be keep to the same meal times if possible and keep DS's food the same. I do multiple variants on Xmas Day and holiday times (not usually of course), but it's nice for everyone to get what they really like at Xmas and if you plan it then not too much work. Probably with a few tweaks you can all have a good day.

They are not being rude. Hope that answers your question.

This. Why make it hard for yourself?

I have a friend with an autistic 10 year old. He spent Christmas Day in his room eating toast. It was what he wanted to do. He felt safe and happy in there. It meant everyone enjoyed Christmas in a way they wanted to

We don’t have Christmas perfect by any stretch but one thing I’ve learnt over the years is that you need to lower expectations of what things should be like and try and not think of how your son feels from your own perspective.

so for example if the family is playing board games you might feel awful that your son is missing out if he’s gone up to his bedroom but if he’s not bothered it doesn’t matter let him have that chill time whilst you spend time with your younger son.

id definately go with allowing opening of presents first thing as you are just making things harder for yourself otherwise and it’s not something that is out of the ordinary, lots of families with nt kids do this.

I also let my son leave the table when he’s finished eating in between courses and he can go and chill in the living room while others chat at the table. It took me ages to get my head round stuff like this as it just feels rude and not the way things should be but yesterday we got through the day with no major meltdowns which I judge a success.

i know how you feel I’ve had christmases where I’ve had to leave the house and go for a drive as I could no longer cope with ds and I’ve just driven around and felt like throwing myself off a bridge. The expectation of Christmas makes it worse

I know there are a lot of responses I haven’t seen… do visual timetables work for them? You could do one in the build up to Christmas with them to help them to be able to make sense of the changes and then maybe try and build in some of their normal structure? Could you split things a bit with family members spending time doing more routine things for him and then another’s doing things with your daughter?

Another vote for not cancelling. It’s not fair on DS2 but also your older son can’t live in a world that is precisely tailored to his needs. Where will he be when he eventually has to navigate the real world?

I find every year teaches me more things about how to successfully navigate ND and NT children’s (and adults) needs!
Work out how to make the day - and the run up to the day and the aftermath of the day - work for you all. My 3 all cope in different ways but we manage to make it work. They create hyperlinked Christmas lists in ranked order so I know what they want - specifically. My youngest is 11 and NT and he can do this independently but I appreciate yours might need some support maybe. It will help him know that what he got matched what he wanted as the list is there for him to check.
Lunch is a flexible feast - I ask what they want on the table and anything goes. Mine with arfid ate cheese sandwiches at the Christmas table yesterday, with some Aunt Bessie Yorkshire puddings and some peas. My ASC daughter ate gammon, potatoes and homemade Yorkshire puddings (all not touching and with no gravy). The rest of us had what we wanted from a traditional Christmas dinner (and gammon and two types of Yorkies)! what does yours like to eat? Is there a reason you can’t serve it alongside whatever else you serve? We’ve had years with chicken nuggets, other years with Richmond skinless sausages and smiley faces.
it’s hard - and I do try to help my youngest understand that waiting to open stockings and presents until 8am is hard but ND teenagers are hard anyway! We do let him open a few gifts as soon as he wakes up as I know there are times he has his ‘wants’ put aside for the needs of his sisters. It also meant he could play online with his friends yesterday as his sisters needed time away in their rooms.
Once you get through this holiday, take time to work out what strategies you use successfully throughout the rest of the year and then see how they can still be used at Christmas.
If you’re not celebrating for religious reasons, (we aren’t), then it’s about family AFAIAC so do what works for your family. Good luck - it’s hard!

Is there a way you could do a separate Christmas day that is very much Christmas for your other child and that day your child that doesn't cope well go somewhere else? Then actual Christmas day can just be routine etc.

My son is autistic this is what works for us-

He has set routines for meals, dressing, device time, bedtime etc. We keep everything exactly the same as every other day. It's not fair to completely change an autistic child's day and expect them to accept it. We do presents first thing before his breakfast routine. He usually has my phone while we open ours. The whole days timings are explained to him in advance.

My son will eat the meal so he does have it but if yours doesn't I'd suggest cooking him his favourite meal. It is Xmas after all!

It reads like every other day you act like you have an autistic child's but on Christmas you expect him to be more accepting because it's Christmas and you have put a lot of time and money into it. Not gonna happen. The way to get the most out of your say is to make it as stress free as possible for your nd child.

With regard to the presents it sounds like he struggles with surprises. I'd ask him specifically what he wants. Check with him it's correct ie show him it on your phone. Then buy the things he wants . Remind him what he's getting a few times before Xmas . Ask him if he wants them wrapping or not.

Your other son can still have the surprises and nice treats it just needs to be worked in to the routine.

It's not about being rude a neuro typical person can shrug it off were as a neuro diverse child can find this very distressing. Also they are prone to impulsive behaviour and outburst .The OP did not say she does does discipline her child however you can not discipline a neurodiverse child for becoming overwhelmed and having a meltdown. My own child was the same yesterday.

Exactly @CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo

Nothing about our Christmas, or my daughter’s life, is “sad”.

I take the time to consider her needs as much as my other child’s, that’s all. She feels seen and heard, as does my older child, and that’s all that matters. They BOTH had a wonderful day yesterday. They BOTH feel loved and safe. Nothing “sad” about it.

It also takes note of the fact that if you've met one autistic person you've met one autistic person. One may be able to be 'trained' out of some traits, some can't. So just because one person's daughter could be, is of no relevance to any other family.

And also. If there was (( is )) a particularly important present I know is especially important to the dc I always wrap them in a different wrapping paper. Takes the stress away from them getting worked up looking for it. In my case I use gold wrapping the dc know to go straight for it. That one was a huge game changer.

Both my dc have Autism and we still do and enjoy Christmas with some tweaks........basically you need to back
My dc choose their presents, hell I even let ds ' hide ' his present away if it's a particular one he's obsessing over.

We open presents, if they're wanting to go down early we let them. No harm done. We all go back to bed after.

In fact we all retreat to different rooms after opening presents. The dc need that processing time.......your ds will also need that processing time.

We eat at the normal time. The usual roast but I always have dds safe foods available for if she's feeling out of sorts (( your ds was given different food. Tbh that one is easily avoided. He doesn't have to do that ))

It's boxing day now. I'm in bed watching TV and on here. Dd is playing her new game, ds is in the dining room building his lego and their dad is in the living room shouting at the football on TV.

We see absolutely no family over Christmas. We keep it low demand with no pressure or expectations......I've made that mistake over the.years and tbh it isn't worth it.

We've had a.lovely Christmas. It may not be how others have theirs but it was ours. It works for us.

I have 2 ASD children and when they were young, they found Christmas overwhelming, so we would decorate one room and leave the other room as normal as possible so they could choose where to spend their time. We spread presents throughout the day so they didn't get overstimulated, we also didn't put all the presents out at the same time. Hope this helps

No you absolutely cannot cancel Christmas because that would be grossly unfair to your younger child and totally unreasonable.

What you do is make Christmas Day as like a normal day as possible for your autistic child. So you give him the same food he would normally have and make Christmas dinner for everyone else.

You let him choose the exact presents he wants and let him open most or all of them as soon as he wakes up.

Let him have time out in his room with his favourite things while you spend time "doing Christmas" with your youngest.

It may help to talk to both your children about what will happen step by step throughout the day beforehand, so everyone knows what is going to happen when, and there are no surprises. Hopefully this will stop your autistic boy getting too overwhelmed and avoid any meltdowns.

I’d hope that there’s a middle ground here, so that your youngest doesn’t miss out- open presents early, provide safe foods, etc.