To cancel Christmas for all future years?

With some behaviours they would but with others theyd continue no matter what because its how their brain is wired and they don't see things as being rude or don't understand why they are told lying isn't OK but then sometimes when they tell the truth it's considered rude. That kind of black and white thinking is just how they are. Autism is a condition which causes issues with social communication and while they may improve on that as they get older, more so female autistics, they are never going to be able to communicate and socialise like a neurotypical.

Same here, I read all these threads and stay away, and wonder what would happen if you just ignore the child’s behaviour instead. Would they eventually adapt because they were not getting attention?

Get him involved more in selecting his presents (as far as saving the internet shop link for Santa) and selecting his foods. If he wants to have his usual meal, whatever it is make it on the side for him to enjoy, just as you would if he would be allergic or coeliac.

Cooking all day from the very first thing and not allowing anyone to do anything isn't norm. That is completely unfair and ridged.

I understand lots of people do all sorts differently but its not common to ban anyone from doing anything because you want to cook instantly and not miss anything.

This is about an autistic child being comfortable ffs.

Another one wondering why he had to wait for hours to open his presents.

Completely normal for children, all children, to want to open presents first thing.

Making him.wait for hours surely just exacerbated the stress

That sounds really hard but I think you need to find a way to muddle on for your younger child.

Could your child with autism go with you to choose his presents? Or would money to choose his own work (especially if online shopping on the day would help distract him?).

Instead of a traditional dinner, would he cope better if everyone was allowed to choose their favourite meal? That's easily dressed up as a special Christmas tradition for your younger child too.

If your older child is independent enough, could Santa leave the younger ones gifts in your room and do the gift opening first thing in bed? That way your older child can avoid the mayhem and the younger gets some one on one time to open presents before you all go downstairs.

He’s autistic but it doesn’t mean he just gets everything his own way from here on in. I say that as an autistic person myself who hates Christmas and has just learned to put up with it and develop my own ways to cope.

Yes yes yes! This is what we focus on. Excusing bad behaviour and meltdowns ‘because neurodivergent’ is not helping anyone.

Agree with this.

All 3 DC are ASD and the youngest is the worst. But Christmas happens every year and they need to learn to deal with it.

I agree with this. To a certain extent, ASD or not, he will only make the amount of fuss he’s allowed to get away with.

I have one DC with ASD and ADHD and two without. My ASD child has always struggled with elements of the day but she also knows that it’s not ok to throw a massive tantrum. It’s simply never been tolerated.

She is teenage now and I know not to get her anything she hasn’t specifically asked for and that there are certain parts of the meal she won’t want to eat. She does get a bit anxious around the loss of routine but she is also aware that she has to manage that. She is still expected to navigate her feelings and be polite and grateful, just like the rest of us.

My advice is always focus on what ASD children CAN do, not what they ‘can’t’ do.

But OPs some has autism and clearly struggles with this aspect of the day? What a weird thing to dip your heels in over. I’d be doing anything to make my day easier in her shoes.

What happens in your little bubble isn't necessarily "the norm". I understand other people do Christmases differently. I know that other parents let children open gifts first thing, even though it's not something my family have ever done, just as I know other parents say that all the big presents are "from Santa", not just a small stocking in the early morning. Just because "you have never known it" doesn't mean it is freakish behaviour.

Of course you can’t cancel christmas. How unfair on your youngest.
I would suggest you take the pressure off. Why are you making your kids wait to open gifts? Mine are all neurotypical and they would have struggled either way this!
Dont put any pressure on him. At all. Let him eat what he usually eats and do what he likes. The rest of you can eat turkey/play trivial pursuit/watch Elf or whatever you usually do. Let him get on with doing his own thing.

I'm in my 40s. My older brother would almost certainly be diagnosed as autistic if he underwent any sort of assessment - also extremely bright, capable, successful etc.
Half my childhood was curtailed because it'd cause him to have meltdowns, overstimulate him, generally disrupt his routine. I'm talking things like not having birthday parties, not having friends over, not going to activities such as the cinema or sports, no extracurricular stuff because he'd find it too much - even though I'd have LOVED all of the above.
It's incredibly unfair to cancel or massively pull back on a MAJOR event such as Christmas because one of your children finds it challenging - it's so unfair on your other child. This isn't just a little something - it's a massive (for kids especially) once, annual, event.
Yes, of course, you do what you can to mitigate the stress in whichever ways work but that is not to the detriment of your other child.
I don't have advice on what might work to make it easier for your son - but the needs and desires of both your children are equally important.

No, you can't cancel. Your younger DS loves Christmas.
What you can do is adapt the day around DS1s needs, which will make the day nicer for everyone
Doesn't matter if they open their presents as soon as they get up or what time and what they eat during the day
It's one day.
If DS will only eat say fish fingers and chips, serve him that
Go with the flow as things change, not what you've always done.

I do all meal prep the night before and the whole lot including carrot and turnip mash is trayed up and goes in the oven........The only things I cook on the hob are the sprouts and gravy. Honestly makes life so much easier. I even do the Yorkies the night before and just sprinkle them with water and warm up on the day.

I sympathise op.

Our youngest has had the mother of all meltdowns this afternoon. I’ve not seen him like that for a long, long time.

I think you do need to keep doing for your other DC though.

Some good suggestions here to make him more comfortable if you can? We had a year where our son literally only ate pigs in blankets & chocolate all day. That was what he needed that year. If he hasn’t managed to sit at the table, that would have been fine too.

We've also had to carefully choose what to buy for him & only buy specifically off his list now. In previous years we’ve thought about not wrapping them. & there is absolutely no waiting in opening presents. Everything was opened within an hour of getting up. He gets too anxious waiting.

Don't start meal prep until after the presents are opened. I have never known anyone start meal prep first thing and nothing else can happen until after.

Unfortunately your older DS will have to come to terms with the fact that not everything in life will be to his liking.

Look at this as a good opportunity to create positive coping strategies for him, as an autistic person the best thing my parents did for me was to teach me how to cope with my own neuro diversity. The world isn't going to change for him so he needs to learn how to live in the world we've got.

I see it a lot on these threads. The happiness of a child who is NT being sacrificed or sidelined for a child who is ND. It just isn’t fair. The ND child still has to have boundaries regarding behaviour. Otherwise the entire family are going to be falling in with needs of one person. Their needs shouldnt trump the needs of everyone else.

He spent the first few hours of the day asking if he could open his presents

Why? Just why would you create this situation? Just let him open them. Unless he got up at 1am obvs!

You can’t cancel Christmas but you can do it differently, in a way more suitable to his needs.

My nephew, has always hated Christmas dinner. He used to just eat some gammon and Yorkshire puddings. This year he had macaroni cheese and chips and he says it was the best Christmas dinner ever! The macaroni was ready meal and a few chips chucked in the air fryer. Easy done but made a young man's Christmas.

Yes, you’re right

i have a 20yr old ds with ASD. Been through many Christmases.
Another who is saying that you cannot cancel future Christmas’s, absolutely not.
And I hope you take this advice & what others have said to help you in the future rather than just think we’re all being critical of your parenting.
What has worked for us is we discuss in detail what to expect & what we’re doing on Christmas day. I’m not sure why you wouldn’t let your ds just open his presents? That seems crazy! It’s such a minor thing when you reflect back. Important to allow him have a bit of control. My Ds knows that Christmas presents are just a bit of fun. We go over the food before hand, so he knows what he’s eating. It’s things we know he eats & he’s chosen, including some things he eats daily anyway. He’s allowed to go to his room whenever he likes, his routine doesn’t really change just because it’s Christmas. We do always go for an afternoon walk- chosen by him & pre planned well in advance.
I think it’s how you approach the day. It’s only overwhelming if you make it overwhelming. Our Christmases are pretty much the same every year. We’ve found the right balance. The day is pre planned & discussed so my ds knows exactly what to expect. He does have surprises for his gifts- but he knows these are for fun only. His main present he already had & he had chosen himself last week.

Isn't KFC considered a 'traditional' Xmas dinner in Japan? Not sure if I've imagined this!