How much easier my life would be if I just sent my DD to the local state primary

It's a waste of money at that age. I'd move her to lessen the stress.

This.

Save your big energy and efforts for secondary age

Right now prioritise time together, and less stress.

The thing is, it is a sacrifice and I can understand why you're questioning the benefit, hut you'll never know unless you pull her out.

On paper, I get it, smaller class sounds great.

We go to a great state primary, no endemic issues, lovely parents and families, very "naice middle class", very walkable, teachers are fab. We honestly couldn't pay for better.

What I'm saying is go with your gut. If it feels too hard, it probably means it doesn't feel like the right choice. It's OK to just want a nice easy walkable primary. You don't always have to pay top money for top quality - state schools aren't a pit of despair, there are nice ones with nice families who go on nice holidays and live in nice houses, it's not all a cesspit of failure!

The problem here (like everywhere on Mumsnet) is that the answers you get will be heavily influenced by what the posters have done themselves. We are all very invested in our own choices.
That said. Posting openly as someone who went to state primary and private secondary, and with 2 kids currently wholly in the state sector. Here's my 10 pence worth.
Use the local state primary and save your money. Let her make new friends locally and she will have an invaluable experience.
See how it goes then.
Bank the money now and be prepared to spend it at secondary level where you get real bang for your buck on academic support and tuition.
You may find you don't need to if she is thriving in the state sector. Avoid single sex at all costs.

It sounds like you believe your DD benefits from the smaller class size and the extra attention that comes with that. She has made good friends and is happy there so the only problem is the time it takes to get there and back?

Could you move somewhere that is walking distance away from this school instead?

If you stay where you are - will she be able to get to school herself when she is older and secondary age? Lots of kids get buses, trains etc . If the issue is just while she is little I think I’d keep going.

What's the school bus situation? Can they use that from age 7, that seems to be the norm around here for private schools.

I think it’s a waste for primary, especially for a good ofsted school. I was fortunate to live in an area with outstanding schools and both DC left with top GCSE’s. Other reasons I wouldn’t have wanted them to attend private, which is largely an opinion I have formed due to the people I personally know who went private.

Young enough to move, would be much the same as leaving nursery and starting school at 5 years old.

id swap now and then rethink, if you need for secondary

Remember that if you are finding the journey stressful, it's likely that she is too.

My parents sent me to a private school that they thought was amazing, but the journey was also through heavy traffic; I found it very tiring and none of my friends were local (and a 10 minute drive away is still not local - it means she can't go and see them independently when she is older). So a lot of the benefits were IMO cancelled out. It's certainly no coincidence that my own DC went to the local walking distance schools.

She is the ideal age to move and settle in relatively quickly. Chances are she'll also enjoy being able to walk and be more part of the local community.

The commute certainly doesn't sound sustainable for you.

Or both!

How much time does she actually get with a parent in the day?

Id be tempted for one of you to drop some hours so she gets decent time with a parent before bed OR local school with a nanny so she had that 1-1 attachment.

Instead of commute the question should be - is the school giving her a better education? Just because it's private doesn't mean it's better. There are some good and bad on both sides. You have to ask yourself - what am I paying for?

Decide whether it's worth it. Then figure out the commute.

Do the school do a coach/mini bus service which she could take when she's older?

Could you sort before/after school care with a childminder who will do pick up and drop off? My friend had a childminder and she walked or drove (depending on weather) her kids to her house in the morning and collected them from her house in an evening. The childminder did the driving too and from school. This is probably the dream scenario.

If there is a mini bus service then you really are only looking at a few years of drudge - until your child is 8-9yrs old (depending on maturity/who is on the bus). Like our school does a 12 person mini bus with seat belts. You organise the pick up location. They can use the 'bus' when they no longer need a car seat.

Can you get any before/after school support even 1 or 2 days a week from family? Or can you do a car share with a class mate. You do 2 days. They do 2 days - even if that's just mornings.

To be honest I just don't think you'd find it less stressful. Doing the school run is just a PITA. Being able to walk to school is marginal gains. You'll have mornings where it's raining, windy, you get splashed by a car, your child is dragging their feet and complaining the entire way. Driving to a local school and trying to find somewhere to park can be an absolute nightmare. Private schools tend to have large car parks which makes that side of things easier. Local schools tend to just be on normal roads and if people are driving, they can be driving round 10 minutes for a parking spot.

I wouldn't rush to pull your child out of a school where she's thriving for an easier commute - if it is easier it will only be a marginally gain and give it 6mths once the novelty has worn off and you'll be back to moaning about it - like everyone does.

This is a no-brainer. Put her in the local school, let her have an easier life where she can make local friends more easily and your life is easier.

Also, my eldest is very clever - she got into the grammar school without any extra tutoring, so in that sense it hasn't done her any harm going to the local (good rated) school. But she's not in any of the sports teams, and she's not in the orchestra (because she only plays guitar, because that was the only instrument available at her primary). In general (not always) the prep school kids stand out in confidence and skill.

Local school, after school care and save the private school costs in a bank account for your child.

I work in a lovely independent school, my kids are at our local primary - it's a total pain in the arse! They have such short hours, and any extra curricular has to be arranged separately.

As things stand I have to pay for "after school club" until 4. 30pm,which is just childcare in the hall - some colouring and lego, but no organised activities. If they were at my school they could stay until 5pm doing sports/music/fun activities every day for no extra cost (and they could stay until 6pm,with tea included, for a small cost).

Plus, the prep school kids at my school have such a different experience. Lots of proper sports (mine just do "multi skills") with access to the swimming pool, astro and sports hall, specialist music and art lessons, access to science labs, proper forest school (mine have a little corner of the field that they do a bonfire in occasionally, which they also call "forest school").

And the kids at the prep school don't have to practise the "quick evacuation" plan, for when they need to leave a classroom quickly due to unsafe behaviour from other children. If I could afford it, I would move my kids in a heartbeat.

OK so you have a gut feeling about possible SEN? That could be a good reason not to rock the boat. That applied to us too.

Are you single by the way? Although our primary drop offs were a pain, we shared them.

I'd leave her there. It's stressful on a practical level but it isn't forever.. she may not be happy changing and that to me would be even more stressful.

My experienced teacher friend says the priority at primary age is a short commute, and more family time.

And excellent parenting, supporting them with reading, good behaviour, trips to cultural stuff...

So no, I would say if it's stressing you out this much, private is not worth it at this age...

I sympathise I have a similar journey to get my daughter to school. Do you feel this way all year round or is it particularly in the winter? I’m ambivalent most of the year but in the winter I despise it and it seems such a slog. One of the benefits of private school is at least the terms are short so I get regular breaks.

We did the opposite to you so tried out the local school first but quickly switched to private. For us it’s worth every penny, we love the school, the community, the opportunities. We would never switch back but would consider moving closer particularly for the secondary portion of her schooling.

Your daughter is still young so you could easily switch but at this point do a lot of research on the school/demographic. Visit the school, speak to the head teacher (ours was very open about demographic, sen numbers/provision etc) keep an eye on the social media, try and find the weekly newsletter (some put it on their website others email directly), walk past regularly at playtimes and drop off pick ups. Try and build a picture of the school as a whole.

you could always commit to a year and see how you get on.

That doesn't sound abnormally stressful to me tbh. It sounds quite normal. I had to leave well before 8 a.m to get through rush hour traffic, drop children off at two different private schools in the city, then drive through more rush hour traffic to opposite end of city to work. Then the opposite at night. It was nearly an hour and a half commute each way. I just got used to it over the years. From what you've said about her needing the extra support, I wouldn't move her just to make your life easier.