How much easier my life would be if I just sent my DD to the local state primary

Primary isn’t worth it in my opinion. The benefits of private kick in in secondary.

The vast majority of the British population send their children to ordinary schools and somehow these children do well and achieve, are happy, make friends and find crucial support. You aren't helping your child as much as you hope you are by sending her so far away from the chance to make local friends and be a normal child. Just send her to her local school and everyone can relax and get on with life.

It sounds like a school selling/justifying their work for the money because the ly know you are paying because you want the best and expect a personal service and want to see value for spending money. What support is she actually receiving in thst sentence?

Think about it, they know saying "X is settling in really well in her first year, getting used to the class routines and is developing her confidence to answer questions in class".

That's basically the same thing, except the focus on the latter is on the child meeting expectations, the former is on the school helping to meet expectations.

She's 3 years old ! Do you mean pre-school?

I’d move schools. We’ve done the whole way through private. A good education and lots of sport but add-ons could have helped with this. The £10,000 a term for senior year's has been a nightmare. We have a scruffy house, very cheap holidays and most clothes from TK Maxx!
Now dc heading to University I realise the whole of the superb local comprehensive gets a contextual ( lower grade) offer for University as its apparently in a poor area!

Added bonus of good local school is play dates that don’t require 30minute drives. Birthday parties that don’t require 30min drives.

I wouldn't bother going private for primary to be honest, use the money to pay for private tuition, extra circular activities, saving for secondary (where private makes more of a difference) etc.

To be fair if I have understood correctly she's only a few months into reception class. A lot of what goes on in this year at school is about teaching children to listen, pay attention and sit still so I wouldn't worry about that at this stage. Most children who struggle with this calm down in year one or two. I would think a lot of the children have received comments in their reports like this, all of them are still learning these skills.
Reception is usually a lot of free play and is noisy and distracting. There will be times when they all sit down and have to listen but the expectations will be the same whether it is 15 children or 30.

If she's only 3 and you're already struggling you should send her to your local school. I'm a primary school teacher. My daughter used to go to my school. Not private but we got outstanding in our last inspection report. She actually went to my school as I thought it would be handy but then my husband started working from home full time after COVID so we sent her to our local primary school (again not private but in Northern Ireland this doesn't really seem to be a thing). The transition was easy (she was 6) & she settled quickly. In fact she is so much happier not having to do the long commute. She gets an extra half hour in bed, she's home much earlier, it's a 5 mins walk and most importantly her friends live close by. My husband and I have made friends with the parents and it's just so nice to be part of the community. It's at least worth a try. At this age and those first few years in primary they adapt and make friends a lot easier than older primary age/teenagers.

State school budgets have been gutted and it's a very long and difficult process to get TA/LSA support these days if your child needs one (EHCP), and there is no consistency due to the constant turnover due to poor pay. Classroom TAs/LSAs (as in every class has one) are a thing of the past in most schools.

In this case it sounds like OP has only recently started working, and if you are a SAHM then it really is your job to take your child to school.

I agree that it might be worth OP and her DH rethinking how they manage school runs in light of the new job, but it sounds like they have done this in terms of someone else now doing the morning drop off, and presumably they could pay the same someone (or someone else) to do the afternoon pickups if wanted.

It sounds like she is a Reception age child.

They will all be learning to take turns, sit still, focus on the activity etc.
Have you had a parents' evening? Did they raise any particular concerns?

Also, worth saying that some private schools are more traditional and expect more in terms of children sitting and following instructions than state schools (and less traditional private ones) would at the same age. So, if yours is a school like this, you need to consider this.

Yes, but why is it always the man who has the big important job that simply can't ever accommodate the school runs?

Women's big important jobs generally have to.

Do you think she has SEN? If so I would veer more towards state in that case, I have a few friends who have been asked to leave prep when SEN has become apparent. State primary schools also have TA/LSA support.

I hear you, it can feel relentless, all 3 of mine were at different schools at one point and their prep was 30 min drive away then I did a commute into London 4 days a week before covid. However I think you need to take the long view, prep is just the start of her education and it sounds like you might have other children? Would you want her to go back to that school in secondary? Is it very competitive at that point? Are there state or other private alternatives you'd consider at that point, or is this the school you want for her? I know it seems like a long time into the future but the pre-prep years go so quickly and then like others say there are often mini bus services that you can use.

Good luck, for what tummies worth I've never regretted private primary for mine, it was a genuinely lovely, nurturing environment and 'prepared' them brilliantly for secondary.

I’ve done both state and private for primary for mine.
My conclusion is that a well run state primary school is more than good enough. They literally just need to leave being able to read, write, do basic maths and learn a bit about the outside world (science, art etc.).
If there is any weakness in the state school - like a unliked head, high turnover or a discipline issue - then private beats it.
The extras - swimming, netball etc. - are often hyped and can actually stop the normal kids from even trying if they’ve got county hockey players in their class.

Honestly I'd take her out it sounds far too stressful for you all. The money you save I'd keep separate for either tutoring for 11+ or secondary private fees if you think she'd benefit from going back to it.

Sounds like the other parent is working all hours to pay for it.

Tbh I’m a bit confused about where you’re doing school drop-offs/pick-ups from and to, and how often.
I think you need to work out what your actual journeys are and how often.
And be careful that you’re not just swapping one stress for another. At the end of the day, you have to pick her up from a certain place by a certain time - that’s just what working whilst having kids involves.

FWIW I went to state primary, then private primary, then private secondary then state secondary - if I had the option I would go for private primary always then probably state secondary if it was half-decent. I can’t afford private though, so my kids are at state. While they were in primary I did a 30-min detour to get them to school, before my 20-min drive to work. So my “commute” was 50 minutes each way. So I do understand long, pain-in-the-arse school runs, but sometimes you’ve just got to do it and think that it won’t be forever.

If it really is affecting you that much then change - but just be sure a change in school will actually give you the change you want.

Also - at 4 having a school that goes through to 18 sounds like a great idea.
The reality can be that it can be very insular and isolating, particularly if a small school like it sounds like your one is. There are definitely benefits in revaluating school choices at 7 and 11 and 16. Not least because the school you thought would be ideal at 4 (or 3 in your case) may not be as your child gets older.

We really are just trying to do the best for her, no matter what the sacrifice. Like all parents are.

Who are we?

I'm only hearing about one parent doing all the running round?

Gosh reception? If thinking of changing do it now. The older the harder it is. I moved mine in Y2 snd Y4 snd it was a hard adjustment for both - actually surprisingly hard for the younger one who was initially more keen on her new school.

How do you feel the class size impacts her? I'm not a parent but remember from my own state primary I liked the large class size as I could make lots of friends, surely it's at secondary where you benefit more from closed teacher attention. I can see smaller classes helping if your DD has SEN or is generally struggling and the state school doesn't have TAs.
So wouldn't say it's as simple as smaller class = better. Think about the overall impact on both you and DD and weigh it up.