How much easier my life would be if I just sent my DD to the local state primary

I don’t really get why people just say that “you can always pay for a tutor to supplement state” using cash saved from not paying school fees.

Surely it’s a big deal to take up a child’s precious free time outside school with extra study, and for them to be learning in a way that’s not integrated with their school curriculum? Delivered by someone who has no ability to discuss their overall progress and wellbeing with their other teachers?

Against a a backdrop of “if you don’t do this you won’t get into x school”. Horrible stress for a kid. I think that having a tutor reduces “quality of life” more than a long school run!

So you’ve got 7 more years of hell driving her to and from.

Switch to the state primary and save up for private secondary should that be the better option. Pay for tutoring if you need to.

Quality of life is just as important as class size - spending so long in the car everyday sounds miserable for both of you, and will leave you run ragged and shorter with her.

If you already pay someone to drop in the morning will this not have to continue whichever school she attends? Also the state school will finish at 3pm (or close to that) how will you be back from work to collect?

If we had the money for private,I'd definitely of sent my kids .
But I would of looked at the local secondary schools that the local primary feed in to .
Near me ,there was one school I would never send my kids to and one I would happily.
So basically if the local secondary is a good school ,I'd send her to the local primary that feeds in to it
If the local secondary isn't a good school ,I'd not.
Unless of course you think you might move by the time she's at secondary,then I'd probably leave her be

100% I would move her to your local primary school. She doesn't sound as if she has any extra needs just that she's a regular 5 year old. I would also do it before your second child starts.
She will benefit from having a less stressed mum, less time spent in the car and of course she will benefit from her parents having more financial freedom.
You can always pay for a private tutor if your concerned about anything academically.
Go and hsve a look around, they will help upu make your mind up.

But OP’s concern is stress around fitting in working hours with pickups, stress of being in traffic 2 hours a day several days a week and loss of time with her kid(s). Spare cash won’t fix those things.

Is there not a minibus service she can go on?

The financial sacrifice to me is "are there other things I'd like to do that would improve our lives that I now can't do because I've got 10k/20k per year committed to this child's education for the next 14 years?".

If the answer is yes, then this is not worth that sacrifice.

If the answer is no, then why not do it, the money is entirely spare.

@abgah so you work full time do all the childcare and I suspect all the cleaning/admin that is unsustainable surely.

i know your husband has a very important job but still he needs to step up and move around his life as well

I sent mine to local state as it's better than most mediocre but nice uniform prep schools that are in our local area. I hire a tutor twice a week, 1 session covers the homework as he listens better with the tutor than with me and what they learn that week is covered so he gets his 1:1 and the second session is starting to prepare him for 11+. He mixes with kids from all backgrounds, has his class switched every year so he gets to play with more friends and I pay extra for his extra curricular activities after school where I take him to swimming, football and tennis and the rest of the clubs he does at school. I'm happy with my choice, he is thriving. It's busy yes but he needs to get used to it, life isn't about altering your environment unless there's Sen. I send him to clubs that focus on his concentration, listening skills. In your shoes, unless you can afford it I would use state. Btw I can afford it but I still chose the state option.

No, this is massively unnecessary. I wouldn’t do this. Your extra time and money would improve her life so much more than a private primary school.

I imagine that OP didn’t realise how stressful it would end up being. The impact of traffic in particular is something that it is hard to assess until you are actually doing it every day. The same journey can seem like a breeze when you go to visit the school at non-peak times. I get the sense that financial “sacrifice” isn’t really an issue here

This sounds as if you are struggling and are putting into the local primary school as being the solution.

now I am not sure it will be though given the hours you work and the wraparound care you need

i think you need a long hard uncomfortable chat with your husband about all of this because it is not sustainable. I think maybe a Nanny alongside local primary would help

Hmm sounds like this going get a whole lot worse before it gets better then, as you will have two kids to get to school and even if the younger one also gets into the private school their clubs probably won’t coincide for several years. In your position I’d be very very carefully assessing whether the small class size and all-through eligibility is worth it, compared to 11+ or state all the way. What does your husband think about all this? You are taking as if he’s not really involved in the mental load/decision-making.

I just keep going past the local primary school and thinking, is this going to be something I look back on and regret ? It's such a huge stress on us. I hope it will be worth it.

What does "worth it" mean to you? What outcome will make you think it was worth it, and what would make you think it was not worth it?

Personally, I'd change her to the local good state school and if by P4-5 you're then seeing signs of that not working well then consider moving her back to private.

I really don't know why anyone who pre-emptively make that call at 3 years old when it involves so much sacrifice and stress.

Totally agree. School close to you is a good school so why do a two hour commute to school every day? It will only get harder with friends play dates, school activities, school visits (plays, music concerts etc).

Private isn’t always better (no matter the immediate need to say it is and yes have been to both). I won’t go into why private schools aren’t always as good but more to say it isn’t a guarantee to a better future. Also, your mental stress is important and why not save the money for amazing holidays?

I have spoken to many private school kids who knew their parents struggled to afford it but would have liked to have just gone on holidays etc. instead. What I am trying to say is that you don’t have to send your daughter there. Many times as well the disruption you claim in state schools (and not all of them btw - my bestie had her kids in a village school with 16 kids and calm and peaceful) provate schools are full of kids who can’t cope in mainstream schools who are maybe dyslexic, ND and disruptive.

Since your daughter won’t know why not make it easier for yourself?

We had ours in private primary then moved for year 1 to state, now in year 7 so did the whole thing . We found the state to be great, but we hired tutors on top as they do help with the one to one support. Saved a fortune, used the cash for lovely holidays. I don't think private primarys are any better, there is less support I think for individual child needs, it is more formulaic in private. If you have a good primary near you I would seriously consider that alongside tutoring in the upper years. You can always go private for secondary if you feel it will suit your child. In the end we have gone state for secondary as well as it is a great school. We were put off private for secondary too after couple of trial days and we just didn't like them.

You mention “the kids” being asleep when your husband gets home. Is your other child older or younger and what are the school arrangements/plans for them?

My son is in an all-through private school and I think I that there being no 7+ or 11+ pressure is a wonderful thing. Obviously you can achieve the same result by going state all the way through though!

I can say that school runs get easier when they get older, they can strap themselves in etc and take more responsibility for getting their stuff sorted out, and in our school parents don’t have to stay for the bell when they get to Year 3, so they can be left in the playground from 8 am. The difference between leaving at 7.30 and leaving at 8.15 is huge, journey time can be halved.

it sounds like pickup is your biggest issue though. Can you stretch your an after school childminder for a few years maybe?

I do feel your pain. My kids go to school on the other side of our city. It’s only 5 miles but due to city traffic it takes me 30 minutes each way, so two hours of school runs every day! 😭 It’s the bane of my life and really limits my work. Fortunately I’ve found a job 9-2.30 four days a week so I can still do all 10 school runs and work part-time. We are lucky that my husband earns enough to allow us to do this.

It’s not a private school, it was our local catchment primary school when we lived nearby. We moved to the other side of the city 4 years ago, so I’ve been doing the long school runs for 4 years now. I have until July 2027 when my youngest moves to a High School local to us!

You have to weigh up the pros and cons and only you know what is the best decision for you. I bloody hate the school run every day, but my kids just loved their school so much - they were all doing well academically, they had lovely friendship groups with close best friends, we’d never had any issue with bullying and they were just happy there. For me that was the most important thing and so I take the shitty school runs every day (2 hours for me, 1 hour per day for the kids) in return for their happiness and wellbeing.

However your child is only in reception so won’t have the same close friendship bonds, settled already for several years etc. Only you know if the stress it is causing you is worth it for the outcome or whether it will lead to burn out for you and cause problems for your work. There is no right or wrong answer - just what is best for your child and you. However I would suggest that if you are going to make the move, then do it sooner rather than later before she is more settled and has built close friendship ties.

Our DC was in an independent school from reception to end of year 4. We came back to live in the UK after the deadline for regular primary applications and he's a late August birthday, so we actually deferred him in year. This was much easier to do in a private school setting than a state one in those days.

One advantage of being in a private school from reception can be avoiding entrance exams at various points. Ours was a traditional Pre Prep and Prep school feeding a minor Public School. So the set of entrance exams that it was possible to avoid was only for entry to Prep (taken in Yr2 for Yr3 entry). To gain entry to the next school children in the Prep had an opportunity to secure a place for Yr9 entry via exams in Yr6 (feeder school perk) and a second chance in Yr8 along with all other outside applicants.

Anyway, we left long before all that senior school stuff because we were all miserable there. The Prep - in particular - was a pain. Ridiculous uniform - there is a reason why most schools don't have a tie as part of the uniform at age 7. Absurd amount of Sport at the expense of actual learning - when we left for the local school he had to catch up in Maths and the handwriting book for the entire Yr4 at the private school was under a quarter full.

Regarding class sizes - definitely more children to bounce off in a larger class. Regarding travel to school - it was 25 mins walk or same in traffic. I didn't find this a problem and the school was equidistant between home and office. When we switched I changed how I worked my hours because the after school club was limited and the state school is a shorter day. That was the only thing we missed aside from some friends. Teaching - way better in the local school, even better trips. No absurd Sportsday at an athletics ground necessitating day off as parents were responsible for looking after their children during the event and making sure they got to their races.

If you’re going to move her, move her now when she’s in reception. Can you just visit this primary school and see how the classes run?

Move closer to the school? Seriously? Is it not a fraction of this suggestion to pay for smb to pick up and drop off?

At reception age in a decent school she's more than likely going to be happy and enjoy being there.
I would give it a try at the local school , you can always go back to the private one.