How much easier my life would be if I just sent my DD to the local state primary

Loo round the state primary and see what you think. If you can cope with fees and commute, stick with the private especially if it goes up to 13.

I would definitely take her out. The level of stress this is causing you isn't worth it. Your health will improve with this stressor removed and that's good for the whole family.

It's hard when both parents are working so much, so the time you gain back will be so worth it.

Was this the situation when you decided to have kids? My parents have a 'traditional' 🤢 marriage where he had a big important job and she stayed at home raising the kids (and doing literally everything) till my younger sister started school. But even then, my dad made sure he was at home to see us before bedtime and all weekend.

Not criticising your decision to have him largely absent, just wondering if you'd thought things through - you are where you are in part because of that decision.

Eh?

It is not an abnormal commute for a private primary ime. But if you are finding it a lot is moving closer an option?

Ours was a 20 min drive when our daughter started. We've since moved closer. But we use a nanny for holiday and wrap around care anyway, so it is not us doing the journey a lot of the time. As your younger one is only two and has a place too you have another 16 years of this. Which is a lot if you hate it!

Your thoughts on the local school seem to be based purely on the ofsted report. Have you visited the school and had a look around, spoken with staff? Do you have friends with children who go there who could tell you what it's like? At the moment it could either be somewhere you'd never countenance if you knew more about it, or a school you think your daughter would love. I don't think you know enough about it to make an informed decision. If you know you like it, then all your other thoughts are important. If you like it and they have room, you could ask to see whether she could spend a day there to see how she settles.

Er, do you want to give your glasses a wipe?
Maybe they got smeared with a bit of the grease from the chip on your shoulder!

Time spent with friends who live near the school and a more relaxed routine (walking to and from school) will be more beneficial than you realise.

There are actually very few corporate style jobs these days that don’t allow some flexibility for parents. They all know how it looks on their CSR/DEI reports and how it fosters long term employee loyalty. My husband works in an investment bank but is able to ringfence one office day a week to leave at 4 to do pickups, in addition to doing pickup and drop off on one of the 2 days that he works from home. He can also attend performances etc on an ad-hoc basis. Work can always be picked up again from home in the evening. I have a similar job and similar arrangement over the 4 days I work, so both our jobs get a couple of days when we are dedicated to them 100% and we can start finish as early/late as we like, to balance out the days when we have childcare duties to accommodate.

Just be very very careful not to take what he is telling you at face value, he may well not be trying hard enough to make himself available, out of misplaced fear of a bad employer reaction, workaholism, bad organisation, inability to delegate or simply avoidance of family life. (Or of course he might be a surgeon who has to be in theatre or a train driver who needs to be in his cab! )

Send her to the state school. It’ll save you money and Keir Starmer thinks it will make state schools better doing this. You’re already paying for the school via your taxes so might as well use it

I think your biggest issues are :

Your DH seems to do no pick ups or drop offs

You live quite far from the school

I think if you changed one of those things, it would all be easier

Put her down and see if you could get a place - personally however much she loves it you have to factor 'you' into the equation too- at the moment for you it's both tight financially and a fag logistically- for me it would be a no brainer!!

What are the chances of your other child getting a place? I have an only child but the stress levels of parents trying to get siblings into my DS’ school are through the roof! No preferential treatment given, precisely because it’s an all-through school so the stakes are very high.

Don't most slum it until secondary if its a decent primary in the area and then pay from secondary onwards?

Where is your older dc? Would it be easier if they both went to the same school? Is that a possibility?!

You say she has an after school club place until 6, but you pick her up at 5. Perhaps this is because your other child has to be picked up by 6 and you need to get DD first? When they are both in the same school that may be easier, you can work a bit later and collect both at 6? So quite short term until it gets logistically simpler then.

Out of interest, how long does the drive take when there is no traffic? We really do find that there is a massive difference between leaving at 7:30 and 8, now that we can drop DS at school at 8am. Significantly less traffic.

You're stressed because you're doing all the parenting plus working. It sounds like DH doesn't see the children at all during the week? I'd have a proper look at what your family's priorities are. What's DH's suggestions of how to improve things?

It seems to be a MN thing about private primary: plenty of threads from state parents complaining about things that wouldn’t happen in private but if an OP asks if private is worth it most answers will be that it isn’t.
Why I believe private primary is worth it, even in OP’s circumstances:

• smaller class size AND not just one teacher but often a TA as well. So instead of a 30/1 ratio it is 15/2.
• more sport and ‘real’ sports: netball, cricket, etc not just getting the children to move. Fixtures, swimming every week y1-y6, etc.
• a detailed school report at the end of every term: for every class an overview of what they covered, comments about your child’s learning and a grade.
• specialist teachers for art, music, sport etc
• teachers available every day if you want to discuss something. As a parent they never make you feel like you are bothering them.
• afterschool is not just childcare (running club, chess, needlework, LAMDA…). And there is no waitlist, they will accommodate all the children who sign up.
• not an issue if your child is off when unwell (unlike what you can read on here about state schools pressuring parents to maintain a low absence rate even when the absences are due to genuine illness)
• lovely food for lunch, as much as they want
• less children means more opportunities to practice speaking/performing in public.

Re the smaller friendship pool this can be an
issue but we had the opposite experience: my DC are not the most social children and being in a class of 10-15 meant all the children always played all together as a group.

I wouldn't change her if she's really happy there, it's a pain but if you wanted her at the state primary then I think you should have put her in there from the start. Changing her now she's happy and settled because it's not that convenient for you is unfair IMO.

One of my non negotiable criteria for moving house was to be in walking distance to a primary school. We moved when DD was 3, so she got a year in the preschool and now is in Y1. I really love and enjoy the walk there and back, its not far away at all. We put our shoes on at 8.40am and I'm back home by 9.01am. The fresh air perks me up. She chats in a different way to me when we're walking - we talk about all sorts on those walks and I really enjoy it.

I'd move her.