How much easier my life would be if I just sent my DD to the local state primary

I honestly think it would be unsettling to withdraw her now and then potentially send her back. I am not trying to dismiss the impact on you, I just think I’d personally try everything to keep her there now.

Although the private schools will do their best to emphasise the criticality of small class sizes, the evidence isn’t there. What you’re getting is a nicer uniform, better decor, and more specialist teaching in art, music and sports. They’re all doing the same phonics and maths. I have had children in both systems - one year apart, and they were even reading the same books in English. Put her on the waiting list (you can always decide not to take up a place you’re offered). Transferring from one school to another is very straightforward, and your dd will get a hour of extra childhood every school day, when she’s not having to sit in a car on congested roads.

She’s only three! It might be difficult for the first couple of weeks but not for much longer than that. If the change was made at the beginning of the autumn term, assuming that works age wise, the six/seven week break would make it easier.

My dc moved school at start of year one..just because we moved house. He was absolutely fine. If you are going to move her I'd do it asap at least.

OP I'd seriously look at the nearer school. I'm like you and I'd hate doing this drop off every day. Don't underestimate how much better you will feel with less stress in your life overall. I chose a secondary school for DC1 based on how easy it was to get to every day. She can get a bus easily and if she needs a lift it doesn't bring me out of our way (it's also an excellent school) whereas the school for our local area has no bus service and is a long walk though technically in our locality and is just one long traffic jam twice a day with current parents saying while the school is great they are totally worn out from the traffic .

Thing is she's happy and thriving now, so you may well have made a mistake but it's done now and it could be harmful to dd to undo it. You could have a conversation with her and see if she'd be amenable but to be honest I'd be looking at other options, wrap around care or even moving house. You have over ten years of this still to go!

To be honest I think paying for primary is not necessary unless there are particular SEN needs. It’s obviously affecting you in a big way so would definitely think about the benefits of not doing something - ability to walk to school, being more locally based, much happier parent because you’re not ridiculously stretched. In this situation I would save money for private secondary and get some of your life back.

It also seems paying for school is a financial stretch so do you need to take her out and save for secondary school?

State school may not have before and after school care so how will you manage that?

I'd have definitely sent her to the state primary. Small class sizes definitely have their advantages but I'd be very concerned that by the time they're in the later primary years, their friendship pool will be very limited

Reception age - you could definitely move her now (if she was well established at primary then I would have said it was tricky)
this sounds like a no brainer to me

What about friends? Is she missing out on building relationships with children who live locally?
What happens at secondary school age? Will she be isolated if she hasn't built up a peer network locally when they all move up?

I think a larger class size is actually important as they get to 7-8 as the friendship pool is too small in a class of 15. They can get really sick of each other by 10-11. You could move for juniors if that’s an option?

My friend used to teach in a private primary. She used to say it was a complete waste of money. In KS1 the state school will split that class of 30 if they get a couple more kids ... What will you do for secondary? Is there a good state option? Or do you need to save for private?

If you're fed up at 3, imagine how you'll feel in a few years. Get her switched over.

Your OP uses the words stress or stressful four times and you also say you’re exhausted. I imagine your child is tired too. Maybe it would benefit them to have less stressed and exhausted parents more than the perceived benefits of the distant primary school. They’d also benefit from having local friends, you’re going to have to travel a lot more to facilitate their social life as they get older.

I would do this

Hire a nanny to do one of the pick ups
Move closer to the school
Are there school buses?
Anyone else going you can share a taxi with when she is older
It s what you chose
There are ways around it especially if you have ££ to pay someone else to do the driving

The OP doesn't mention fees so whether she saves money is presumably irrelevant. I teach at a school like that and it's lovely when kids go all through 3-18. OP do they do wraparound or could you find a childminder to do pick up to give you a bit more wriggle room?

commute / drop off is surprisingly high in terms of our factors for consideration for primary. We are maybe lucky in that we have generally decent primaries near us.
but parents we spoke to with older kids generally regret going for further away schools for various reasons (commutes / play dates, local community etc)

In our circs we don’t think the juice is worth the squeeze on private primary

the ONLY reason we would consider private primary is for a feeder primary attached to secondary ie. you send them to habs prep and you are buying entry into habs boys (or wherever) for secondary
otherwise it’s a waste.

any intelligent adult can support learning of basics and they all need tutoring for 11+ even private primary if you are sitting exams for a few secondary schools

She’s 3 so i would 💯 apply for a state place you can decide to decline it later but if she has no state place you are going to be locked in as moving older children back into state system can be tricky

Yeah, sounds like an unnecessary hardship. Up to you though.