Dishonesty / lies / small print

I think the behaviour that is controlling here is the way you've acted since finding out he visited, OP, and the way you can't see that your actions are controlling and manipulative makes me think that you are difficult to work with except when it's on your terms. This would explain why he's not told you - it's extra drama he doesn't need.

I don't see it as being sneaky nor a trick, and don't see why it shouldn't be allowed (we have usernames after all).

In this particular instance, and knowing how quickly an AIBU thread can turn into a pile-on, I was concerned about the OP and how she may react if she were flamed, so tried to sign post to others to be gentle.

You've managed to make this whole situation about you so do wonder if there are genuine reasons for him 'lying' or 'lying by omission'.

This is a matter between him and his biological family. Clearly there's some big background as to why they've not spoken for 4 years. It's something he needs to navigate himself and if you're the type who creates drama where non is needed, which from your original OP, seems to be the case, then I can totally understand why he didn't tell you. He probably wanted to see how it went and if it didn't go well leave it without a load of questions and drama.

I am generally a totally honest person but have previously lied when in an abusive relationship when, despite doing nothing wrong, the truth would have promoted loads of drama that I couldn't deal with. Sometimes you just want to deal with things with a clear head and without external input which you know won't help the situation

Despitely being a very honest person myself

He may well have not known his sister was going to be there until he was there.

I think you need to pull back and know that he needed to see his family on his terms. He didn't want to discuss it, and he didn't need to discuss it with you.

Your reaction is far more what I'd expect if he'd met up with your estranged family in similar situation.

Look at it this way. His relationship with his family is not your business. Your part in this is to listen, support and comfort. if he says "what should I do?" then you can advise.
It only becomes your business if he wants/needs to involve you currently.

Go back and read your first post. Your rage, you're fuming, you're crying in your bedroom. It is all about you, not your partner and how he wanted to handle a first meeting with family after many years. That is why it comes across as controlling. You want to be centred here. He wanted to quietly go and see them without your interference.

I can totally be that way too, i think self awareness is the key! I've eventually learnt to be pretty good at keeping myself in check.

However in this scenario it's the drama that seems to now accompany it that the OP isn't seeing is an issue. It's such a mountain out of something that could have easily have been dealt with as a molehill.

Being ‘helpful’ is the sunny side of control. I’m guilty of this myself.

Or her interfering. Or her controll.

Poor chap. He obviously wanted to test the waters with him family privately and on the quiet before he announced to OP they were back on speaking terms again. OP has kicked off, oblivious to his possible thoughts or feelings, and is only thinking of herself in this and not why he thought better to keep her out of it this early on. He kept this private likely because he knows she deals with things in a dramatic way, and it's all kicked off any way.

Why ! Why do people do this, it’s a sneaky trick and shouldn’t be allowed.

If it was reversed, I would have had a conversation with him prior to seeing my family - maybe to seek his advice, to weigh up pros and cons, to be honest, to get support myself since it would be emotional.

This is how you would have reacted though, and it seems how you wanted him to react though. He didn't want to, and you're hurt that he didn't discuss it with you first. But his way isn't the wrong way, it's just different to yours.

Reacting to this by crying for hours isn't healthy. You need to consider that he didn't tell you because of how you react to things.

Why didn't he tell you? Probably because he knew you would have an issue with it or would impose conditions. Why do you need to?

What is the back story to all this? Why did he stop seeing his family?

My dh is completely no contact with his whole family, many years now. Abusive, horrible lot. Mine weren’t much better. It’s very hard to go no contact for anyone so there is usually a very complex difficult backstory. Despite the fact you hate your family the emotions are still there. Maybe your dh didn’t want to have in depth conversations about it all?

I don’t think it’s worth this level of angst over, but yes he should have told you.

Are there other things he's hidden from you? Do you generally trust him? If this is an isolated incident, it seems like a huge overreaction on your part. Ultimately it's up to him how he chooses to interact with his family, he's not required to notify you.

If it was reversed, I would have had a conversation with him prior to seeing my family - maybe to seek his advice, to weigh up pros and cons, to be honest, to get support myself since it would be emotional.

You might, but perhaps he didn’t want to make it into that kind of ordeal. Perhaps he wanted it to be small and easy. Perhaps he didn’t want opinions, or pros or cons, or emotional support. Maybe he just wanted to see them, as you’ve said they were getting old, snd that be that. Not necessarily restart the relationship, not autopsy it to the third degree, not have it as a defining conversation around Christmas…

You’d have to ask him why he didn’t tell you, but from what you’ve said above, I’d guess this is why. Your way of dealing with it may have made it so much of a big deal that he didn’t want, or couldn’t cope with. Not telling you kept it small and easy.

People are different though. While you would have talked things through before he wanted to process things for himself first.
Neither of these are wrong.
Him not telling you doesn't have anything to do with you but with the way he is processing his feelings.
While I don't think him lying about his sister is a good thing he might not have wanted to fan the flames after all you were already enraged and called him dishonest.
4 years is a long time and people can change a lot.
I do think you ought to have it out in person more texting would probably lead to more misunderstandings and this is a lengthy conversation.

This.

He didn't lie to you, he just didn't tell you he was seeing them. He obviously did not feel he wanted it needed your advice or emotional support.

I think you were only ok with it, if you were controlling it.

You are obviously extremely hurt by them so he probably didn’t know what way to say it to you.
In this situation you are going to be hurt and upset, no mater what.

Get some counselling to strengthen yourself. Good luck x

Op do you know why your DH didn't mention he was seeing his parents? And if he exchanged gifts with his sister it sound like he knew they were going to be there,

I wouldn't like that level of sneakiness either. He's been in contact with his family, arranged a meeting and even gone shopping and wrapped presents without mentioning any of it to you.
I don't know how people aren't seeing this as anything but the opposite of open and honest.

Obviously there's more to the story but I don't think there's much to mitigate not mentioning any of this to you as it happened.

If op's DH was protecting op's feelings he would have said so straight away.