Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else feel like an absolute slave today...Christmas day

132 replies

Whatslife · 25/12/2024 22:53

Made breakfast, Xmas lunch, dinner, got kids to bed, tidied up, washed up. All whilst he laid on the sofa. And he's been short tempered and grumpy with the kids all day. I'd already decorated all the house, wrapped all the presents, booked all the Christmas stuff and organised school/club presents/outfits etc.

Now he's gone to bed early as 'he didn't get to watch what he wanted on TV'.

OP posts:
sweetpickle2 · 26/12/2024 09:08

LouH1981 · 26/12/2024 09:05

Oh yeah, absolutely. As well as the lead up (so elves, remembering school events, buying gifts, wrapping gifts, advent calendars, writing cards, delivering cards, buying food, decorating house etc etc) I always prepare for what feels like a 24hr kitchen shift.
I asked for 5 minutes help yesterday to carve the meat while I served up all the food and he disappeared to make a phone call.
I finally got to sit down at 5pm when he promptly decided to go to sleep on the sofa.
it does infuriate me but I’ll continue to do what I do for the children but if it was just us two it would be a different story!

Its got to the point where I left all the responsibility of his family’s cards etc up to him. I used to do it all and he did nothing. He still did nothing but had to explain to them why. Guess it’s back to me so they aren’t disappointed.
I’ve just ordered a little Christmas treat in the sales to cheer me up xxx

Edited

Presumably it was just the two of you at some point? Did you enable his behaviour then?

Sayingitstraight · 26/12/2024 09:06

This not a healthy normal relationship, I have a friend in a similar relationship and she says my marriage is modern because he does his share and we are a team. It's not modern, we are a team. You can do better.

LouH1981 · 26/12/2024 09:05

Oh yeah, absolutely. As well as the lead up (so elves, remembering school events, buying gifts, wrapping gifts, advent calendars, writing cards, delivering cards, buying food, decorating house etc etc) I always prepare for what feels like a 24hr kitchen shift.
I asked for 5 minutes help yesterday to carve the meat while I served up all the food and he disappeared to make a phone call.
I finally got to sit down at 5pm when he promptly decided to go to sleep on the sofa.
it does infuriate me but I’ll continue to do what I do for the children but if it was just us two it would be a different story!

Its got to the point where I left all the responsibility of his family’s cards etc up to him. I used to do it all and he did nothing. He still did nothing but had to explain to them why. Guess it’s back to me so they aren’t disappointed.
I’ve just ordered a little Christmas treat in the sales to cheer me up xxx

Theeyeballsinthesky · 26/12/2024 08:58

I just can't get over the mental block to leave. In my head a family stays together no matter what.

gently OP that is absolute nonsense

in the case of abuse? Shouting at your children? Is that ok?

really why on Earth would you think that?

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 26/12/2024 08:57

Whatslife · 26/12/2024 08:32

Thank you everyone. I feel like I don't know what a healthy relationship should look like. And that men that help are very rare so this is the norm. I'm not sure if this is true either.

Maybe start with things that affect him. Does he do his own laundry? Start with not doing the things that will affect him the most first.

sweetpickle2 · 26/12/2024 08:56

You don’t have a family OP, a family should be a team. You have a lazy arsehole who lives in your home, doesn’t love or respect you, and takes advantage.

YouZirName · 26/12/2024 08:55

Whatslife · 26/12/2024 08:48

Basically yes. The one time he'll empty the dishwasher a week he's basically like a stroppy teenager 'why do I have to do this, fucking this, fucking that'.

I am working and also doing all the childcare. Basically if I'm not working I am looking after the children. He's just basically kept the same mindset from when I was on maternity. Regularly tries to get me to give up work 'would be better for the family' 'we don't need the money'. We do we really do. We couldn't even pay the mortgage on his wages.

I just can't get over the mental block to leave. In my head a family stays together no matter what.

Show quote history

You don't HAVE a family. You have a man who lives with you, and not much more. He doesn't love you or your kids, or he wouldn't be acting like a compkete arsehole, so.. If he doesn't love you, doesn't help.. He's not family.

Daleksatemyshed · 26/12/2024 08:52

The pp got called names @GuineaPigWig because too often MRA try and derail any thread that complains about men. Op, your DH let you do everything, looking after his own DC is not doing you a favour, when you've seen your DM take some time out for you, don't rush home

Original poster
Whatslife · 26/12/2024 08:48

dottiehens · 26/12/2024 06:31

Agree! I find it ridiculous that will all the modem day slavery and trafficking to the same end people are making references to this. I never hear anybody who states how offensive people are. Also, being concerned about what is happening now. I wonder is they are aware that they will be judged as much from future generations.

As for the OP your husband is very disrespectful and shouldn’t behave like that. You shouldn’t be expected to do everything yourself. You are the only one who can change that. Start by teaching your kids not to take you for granted since they are little. Plus, just reflect if you deserve a husband like that. Is he always this macho man expecting the wife to do everything? Is he is the only one working and bringing money to feels wrongly entitled to be served?

Edited
Show quote history

Basically yes. The one time he'll empty the dishwasher a week he's basically like a stroppy teenager 'why do I have to do this, fucking this, fucking that'.

I am working and also doing all the childcare. Basically if I'm not working I am looking after the children. He's just basically kept the same mindset from when I was on maternity. Regularly tries to get me to give up work 'would be better for the family' 'we don't need the money'. We do we really do. We couldn't even pay the mortgage on his wages.

I just can't get over the mental block to leave. In my head a family stays together no matter what.

OP posts:
sweetpickle2 · 26/12/2024 08:48

Why isn’t he thrilled to be left with the kids? He’s their parent too?

Honestly start making plans to leave OP. It shouldn’t be this hard.

MumChp · 26/12/2024 08:44

I would rather be a single mum than feel like a slave for a man on a sofa.

AhBiscuits · 26/12/2024 08:44

Whatslife · 26/12/2024 08:32

Thank you everyone. I feel like I don't know what a healthy relationship should look like. And that men that help are very rare so this is the norm. I'm not sure if this is true either.

It's really not rare. None of my friends would put up with that shit.

DH and I both work. I do slightly fewer hours (6 fewer per week)
He bought virtually all of the Christmas presents for the children. We discussed what to buy and had a joint list, but he did most of the actual choosing and buying. We sat down one evening and wrapped them all together. He bought all presents for his family with zero input from me.
We each found a different Christmas activity to book and organise.
Food is my chore, I did all the shopping and cooking. He did all of the clearing away and washing up.
I do laundry for me and the children. He does his own.
He does a lot more tidying than I do.
We try and keep things fairly equal.

Just stop doing it all OP. Talk to him about how divide chores in a fair way and then just stop doing everything. He's an adult, you aren't his mum.

HollyChristmas · 26/12/2024 08:43

Sorry you've been run ragged . Make today all about you. Do nothing , accept for your children . Have a long bath , get dressed up , or wear pjs all day , whichever you feel like doing and chill out .
My dh Is useless about present buying & card giving ( we now don't bother for each other ) but he did more of the lunch than me , and I haven't made a cup of tea / coffee all week as he is off from work and is making them .

BigDahliaFan · 26/12/2024 08:43

Mine did nothing all da6 while I fed his family. But he's got flu, is rotten with it, and we'd both done the shopping, he'd tidied the house before he came down with it. His family pitched in to help cook so it was a team effort. I'd he'd been well he'd have done most of the cooking.

Everyone helped tidy up, sorted drinks.

It was lovely.

Dh is awful when sick but the rest of the time it's a team effort.

I couldn't be bothered with any other way.

LogicalImpossibility · 26/12/2024 08:41

We have a rule that whoever cooks doesn’t lift a finger after the meal. Every day, not just Christmas.

So yes, DH and the DC who didn’t help me cook did the whole thing - dishwasher (x2), washing up, wiping surfaces, cleaning stove etc.

GuineaPigWig · 26/12/2024 08:40

Also a lot of people would find the metaphor of being a slave / “slaving away’ offensive. You might not agree or think they are being over sensitive, but don’t dismiss that PP as an idiot and whatever else they were called.

GuineaPigWig · 26/12/2024 08:37

Soitis83 · 25/12/2024 23:39

Yeah this sounds awful, I couldn't put up with it. DH did a massive fry up for me and our 3 kids (well 2, ones a baby). He did most the wrapping last night, got me amazing gifts, cooked the veg (perfectly), got the older two ready for and in bed while fed the baby, came down and he's clearing up all the mess. Don't settle for that crap. There's men out there who want to help and do it without having to be told.

WTF did you do? 🤣🤣

Only kidding

Sort of

Barney16 · 26/12/2024 08:33

He sounds lazy tbh. Don't be hesitant in telling him what he must do and when to do it. If he then doesn't step up you may think about what he brings to your life.

Original poster
Whatslife · 26/12/2024 08:32

Thank you everyone. I feel like I don't know what a healthy relationship should look like. And that men that help are very rare so this is the norm. I'm not sure if this is true either.

OP posts:
mrssunshinexxx · 26/12/2024 08:24

Would you want your kids to be in a marriage like this when they are older if not you need to set a better example. Just think how happier you could be

mrssunshinexxx · 26/12/2024 08:24

He sounds useless but you are enabling it ! I just wouldn't stand for a partner like that they are meant to make your life easier / better / more fulfilling not worse
Chances are you'd feel a lot better doing all the above still but being single

Original poster
Whatslife · 26/12/2024 08:10

Lavender14 · 25/12/2024 23:38

Op, I think at a point you need to put in place the boundaries that will give you the life and partner you want. So tomorrow when things are less hectic and you're less overwhelmed and exhausted, I'd try to get time just the two of you and I'd ask him what he thinks your role is in the home and what he thinks his role is in the home. I'd point out that you expect nothing less than a partner who does their equal share of the load and who doesn't need to be nagged to do it and who does it because they know its their job as a partner and a team mate to take on 50% of everything. So either he starts taking on his 50% or he'll be out on his ear because you're done taking on his responsibilities as well as your own. I'd set a deadline in your mind that you feel is reasonable and if he steps up then great, if he doesn't then you need to be ready to follow through.

I have had conversations like this in the past and he says he does enough but I do feel maybe one more last ditch attempt is due. However I'm off to see my DM today who's really poorly in hospital. He's not exactly thrilled to be left with the kids! So may have to leave until another day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatslife · 26/12/2024 07:57

Sleybels · 26/12/2024 00:27

He is a lazy selfish man but unless there’s some backstory of abuse which means you can’t speak up - you’re a martyr . Why didn’t you ask him to chip in when you saw he was shirking his duties?

Edited

Yes there is a history of emotional abuse too. The icing on the cake was making my son cry during Xmas lunch yesterday when he threatened to throw his new toy in the bin because he didn't want to stop playing with it.

OP posts:
Topjoe19 · 26/12/2024 07:37

What would happen if you went mad & told him how lazy he is? That's a disgusting way to behave.

RedHelenB · 26/12/2024 07:36

To be blunt, he doesn't love kr care about you So are you going to carry on being a slave when you don't have to be?
If you do go it alone, get your dc pitching in from the get go so you don't end up slaving over them in upcoming Christmases.