Anyone else feel like an absolute slave today...Christmas day

This is really important.

You need to be very clear upfront that 50/50 is just that.

When he has the children you will not be stepping in when it's not convenient for him to do parenting.

So when he say this, say great, I'm sure you're starting to plan how you will get them to school, getting places for any after school clubs and paying for them, covering half the school holidays etc etc

All said in a breezy way with a smile.

Also re: finances, don't just consider what you earn/ your assets. You're married so the whole pot is up for division including things like his pension.

It does not matter if a bank account is in his sole name or not for example. It's all family money.

So many men in these situations start off by threatening 50/50 to avoid paying more maintenance and get away with it because women take a substandard offer to have the children more often.

You need to turn the game around.

You know he's saying it because he thinks it's a way to hurt you. But if you don't let him know this, then you are much more likely to get a quicker resolution in line with what you want. If he says he'll have the children 50/50 then tell him great, the easiest way will be one week on and one week off, and you can do changeovers on a Sunday.

Then keep future discussions to practical matters and reiterate that he has equal responsibility. Need help doing a school run? It's your week so you need to sort this out. Can't be there for school pick-up? It's your week so you need to sort this out. Likewise dentist appointments and home sick from school childcare days - it's your week so you need to sort this out.

It should get to the point where he realises that not only is he unable to hurt you by having the children 50/50, but actually having to be an equal parent is causing him massive inconvenience. He just wants to argue over them now because he knows it's not what you or they want.

@Whatslife

After I’d had a go at him yesterday, he came back in from walking the dogs and said come on then let’s go. One of our children asked him why he isn’t coming to eat, and he told them he is. She asked him why he’ll be eating now, and he said he just is. His decision didn’t make me happy, as I know it was as a result of me having a go at him and making me so unhappy. He stayed for food and hardly said a word to anyone and then left and came back later to pick us up.

My friend has invited the 4 of us and 2 other families we know for New Year’s Eve and he’s telling me he’s not going to come. I want us to all be together, but he’s insisting that he won’t be coming. Our children overheard and asked him why he doesn’t want to go, and he said she’s not my friend and I feel awkward around all of these people. One of my children said my friends will all have their Daddies there, and it’ll be strange and embarrassing for you to not be there. He walked away and got his gym stuff ready and had left for the gym.

I now have no idea whether to go there with my children or not to go at all. I’ve been to 2 functions this year without him and I just felt ridiculous as everyone else came in their family groups, and they all of course ask why he isn’t there. I want to tell the truth but it sounds so rude to me.

I suspect 50/50 won't last. He'll pursue it at first because the children are a weapon to use against you. But he's a fundamentally lazy and disinterested man. When faced with the reality of having to actually get off his backside and parent - including school runs, doctor's appointments and sick days - I suspect he will change his tune quick enough.

The quickest route through this is to disengage and grey rock him. Work as fast as you can to get your exit plan sorted. When he says he wants the kids 50/50 - that's great, it's important they spend time with him and it will give you a break. Don't argue unless it's a battle really worth fighting. When he eventually twigs that he's not getting a reaction from you, and that him taking the kids gives you time to yourself, I bet you won't see him for dust.

You have to dump them and be brave/sensible enough to not get into another shit relationship with another shit man.
It's a cliche but you have to valve yourself first. Your time, your health, your money. If you don't value those things then it's very easy to be exploited.

He's got it so good.
He probably thinks he's a prince amongst men because he doesn't sleep with other women or beat you up (I hope at least)

It's time to not put up with this, it's unacceptable. It's even more unacceptable that the children in your home will be being groomed into thinking you are to be treated like shit and to carry that dis-function into their adult relationships.

It's better to be alone and or co-parent, it really is.

I bet he wants you to stop work. If you do then you become totally dependent on him and he has you trapped. No money, no job, no independence, fucking your career prospects and pension, and no financial recourse against him if you split up beyond CMS as you aren't married.

Stay in work and ditch the lazy bugger.

Yep.
Me too.
If it wasn't for me DD would have no presents. I bought and wrapped everything. I got up with her, opened gifts with her, played with her.
Partner didn't have a fucking clue.
I was saved from the slavery of cooking and doing mountains of washing up as for the first time in 7 years we didn't host MIL and managed to go out for lunch.

But all he did all day is drink and sing drunkenly.
Every year I tell myself I'm not doing it again. But here I am still.

Sorry you are going through this.
These men are lazy and bone idle.
I don't know where they get off.
I hate it.

*Women not woken 😂

@zebraplant I totally agree with you! My DH has done more than his fair share this Christmas including all the food shopping, half the presents buying, most of the wrapping, and the cooking! Woken most definitely need to raise their bars.

Why should women be parenting their dh's - it's fucking ridiculous - why are we the ones telling the men how to behave? Why are we putting up with adult children? Society expects us to buy everyone's presents, do all the wrapping the planning the cooking the hosting - we need to start saying no - and we need to be prepared for the consequences because there will be consequences but the freedoms gained are worth it. Be brave.

Yes! Blows my mind. Raise the bar!!

I put you are being unreasonable because you just shouldn’t do it all. Do less. I haven’t read the ft but you are giving the message to your children that women are skivvies. We are not!

@Whatslife

Thank you. I’m sorry we are both going through this.

I have read a few posts in which people have said not to let men get away with doing/not doing certain things, but I have no idea how they get the men in their lives to do things. I’ve had the moaning about noise too - rustling of paper and cutting of sellotape or the crunching on the odd crisp while I wrap.

I’ve been in tears again today as he is just being obnoxious. We’re meant to be going to my parents’ house again (his family weren’t Christian and both passed away several years ago, and isn’t in contact with most of the rest of his family). We have done this every Christmas since we’ve had our children so it isn’t a surprise or new arrangement. He told me he would only stay a short while and then pick us up later and I wasn’t happy with this, but he’s wound me up so much that I thought ok fine. My parents rang and asked if he would be coming as they want to know how many to cater for so I told them he’s coming, only for him to announce about half an hour ago very flippantly that he won’t be going there to eat or stay and he’ll just drop us off. He told me that he doesn’t like my Mum’s food and doesn’t want to eat it. I know it isn’t his favourite, but he’s eaten it every Christmas for years. I went mad and told him how rude and selfish he is, and he kept on arguing back, and then laughed it off and said he just doesn’t want to eat it and wants to come home and watch Star Wars.

I am so embarrassed and don’t know what to tell my parents.

I cancelled all the gift giving (we have adult dcs) - we now do secret Santa - so everyone has the same responsibility and we all helped cook the food - everyone did their fair share. I have always insisted that Christmas food prep is a family affair, expectation is that everyone helps - even guests!

No, that’s not normal. DH does all the shopping and cooking for Christmas.

No. I do the presents, dh does the shopping and most of the cooking. I think most men will let you do it all if you are willing, so make sure you are not.

This is not normal. In answer to your question yes my DH does help. In fact he did all the cooking. I made the gravy. I cleared away the table and loaded dishwasher. DD 11 did stuff too. Later on I sorted out some food with the help of 17 year old nephew. Everyone got drinks etc. At bedtime I sorted out sil bedding and DH did DN’s

You know how you completely derailed the other thread with this bee in your bonnet?