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Original poster

MIL makes everything into a grand gesture

111 replies

Forleaznavidad · 25/12/2024 22:18

My MIL has to turns everything she does into a huge gesture and show and it drives me nuts. A few examples; she and FIL are staying for Christmas. She wanted to give some money to cover food as they’re eating here for every meal for a week inc Christmas dinner, but it has to be a huge gesture and ‘tradition’ she’s passing on - it means DH and I have to be tripping over ourselves to be grateful when I was fully expecting them to contribute in some way to the food costs - why can’t she just say ‘I’ll transfer you £x to cover our food’?

Another example there’s a traditional Christmas film she wants to watch as she watched it with DH when he was little. It was on catchup so I said we would put it on. Nope, MIL must watch it alone with my DD to ‘keep the tradition’ even though DD is 6 months old and doesn’t really watch TV. She’s asked if I can leave her alone with DD tomorrow afternoon so they can watch it. Again does it have to be a big deal?

Whenever we eat a meal there’s a speech for which we must be thankful to her. Christmas presents are another huge gesture and if we don’t respond appropriately by telling her how grateful we are then she’ll be hurt and in a foul mood all day.

Why is she like this? I know it’s turned into a bit of a rant but it does feel much better to get it out in writing. It drives me nuts!

OP posts:
Original poster
Forleaznavidad · 25/12/2024 22:37

hepsitemiz · 25/12/2024 22:23

What does she do/say exactly, to make the money thing into a grand gesture ?

Well instead of just saying ‘we’ll transfer you £100 to cover food costs’ or something, she keeps saying how she wants to start a tradition of giving us money towards the food when she and FIL come and stay at Christmas (they’re presuming they’ll be coming every year but that’s another conversation!). It annoys me because I think they should contribute but now MIL has made it a thing she expects DH and I to be falling over ourselves to be thankful for this kind gesture, when it’s costing a fair bit more than what they’re giving us to host 2 extra people for a week (FIL likes a drink so we’ll be getting in extra wine) so IMO it’s not a huge gesture or tradition for which we should be so thankful, but it’s just manners?

OP posts:
elliejjtiny · 25/12/2024 22:36

My MIL does this. She insists on having my eldest dc to stay, tells everyone she knows about how much she is helping me because I'm apparently incapable. If she actually wanted to help me then she would offer (or even say yes when asked) to have my child who sleeps badly to come and stay.

She and FIL also take over with things. My middle son brought a friend over after school when PIL's were also here. Friend's parents come to pick him up and FIL immediately goes galloping down the driveway to meet them and introduce himself while I am doing the usual mum stuff like making sure he has everything he came with, the right blazer etc. So now they probably think PIL are bringing the dc up while me and dh are off our heads on heroin or something.

Santaisfillingthesacks · 25/12/2024 22:33

Surely you just said don't be daft mil, dd is 6 months old...?

ConfusedChristmas · 25/12/2024 22:33

Gosh, she sounds identical to my own dm. She requires practically a standing ovation for every little thing; it drives me nuts! The worst part is, it doesn't stop there. She will remember these "amazing" things she has done and bring them up again and again eg: remember when I cleaned your bath room (she cleaned a tiny part of some tiles when I moved in a flat almost 2 decades ago), she did nothing else! It doesn't matter what anybody else does for her, she will always focus on what they haven't done. No matter what you do, it isn't enough, yet very little effort on her side is supposed to result in huge praise. She will do things for people they havent asked her to do, then moan later that they haven't appreciated it enough. The old man next door bought her wine for pulling weeds (dm asked him if she could to do this) as it was bothering HER. Dm could see his "messy" garden from hers, and didn't like it. She now repeatedly complains he hasn't kept it nice.

Simple tasks will be dramatised, and overblown, when anybody else would just do it, and not say anything; She still goes on about cooking Christmas dinners, when she hasn't cooked for almost 20 years, amd has been waited on hand and foot. She is only just 70! She generally just makes a huge fuss over every little thing, fussy about the way things are done, and awkwardness. I feel your pain op!

MaggieBsBoat · 25/12/2024 22:29

Thepossibility · 25/12/2024 22:22

She sounds like she has a bit of main character syndrome.

This.
My FIL has it. He can’t actually be in a room with other people talking in it without telling people to be quiet and listen to him. Literally.

I think the only way of dealing with it is by shutting it down. You obviously are struggling to ignore it so you’ll need to be hard on her.

SensibleSigma · 25/12/2024 22:26

Point out the tradition would be for DD to watch the film with her mum- you.

ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 25/12/2024 22:25

I wouldn’t have the patience for that shit.

’No, DDs six months, she needs me and obviously she doesn’t watch movies’

hepsitemiz · 25/12/2024 22:23

What does she do/say exactly, to make the money thing into a grand gesture ?

Pyjamatimenow · 25/12/2024 22:22

Meh sounds annoying rather than malicious. My mother in law died a couple of years ago. She had her quirks and I regret having ever got irked. Just smile and don’t overthink

Thepossibility · 25/12/2024 22:22

She sounds like she has a bit of main character syndrome.

Evaka · 25/12/2024 22:21

That sounds irritating. Does she have any nice qualities? If so can you hyper focus on those? The film thing in particular is really weird. Can you tell her that babies don't watch feature length films?

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