MIL makes everything into a grand gesture

My MIL does this to cover up for her short-comings. It directs all the focus on what she wants us to see as she’s worried we will see the “real” her.
my “real” MIL is a narcissist who abandoned one of her children (my husband) for 2 years whilst she ran off with another man.
I’m sure you’re MIL is nowhere near that extreme but maybe it would help to start to link things to understand what’s really going on.

maybe they’re short of money or your MIL is embarrassed she doesn’t work (maybe she does work? Obviously I have no idea) and the payment is to direct attention to where she wants it. Maybe she’s secretly feeling inadequate because you do work and she never did. (Again I’m making assumptions). Perhaps she wishes she could’ve been like you when she had her children.

then there’s just the possibility she has an undiagnosed neurodiverse condition and she has no social skills so she’s just doing what she thinks is “normal”. Maybe that’s why FIL drinks so much wine - it’s his way of coping.

Plus I'd say having any relative to stay for a week (especially when you have a 6 month old!) is just far too long. Make your own plans for next year. Tell her what dates you're free (2 nights max) and invite her when it suits you or you will be stuck doing this every year and you will come to dread it. Go on holiday. book a cottage. invite nice friends to visit etc etc. Start making your own family traditions with your DD. Your MIL should fit round your life.

Hmm it's a bit crass to just trot out the 'you'll be sorry when they're dead' line everytime someone wants to vent a little about an irritating relative. My parents both died youngish when I was early/mid 40s and I wouldn't dream of saying that if friends are having a little moan about annoying in laws/parents.

@Forleaznavidad she's a narcissist. My mother in law is exactly the same. Am absolutely nightmare. Very generous but comes with 'look at me, look what I have done,

She gave us money for the wedding and don't we know about it

She looked after our children before they went to school and she tells us how much money she has saved us

She makes our birthday cakes and stands by it throughout the duration of the entire party so she can tell people she made it. Grandma made it!

My husband knows how much I can't stand her. Not sure how long you have been together but we are closing in on 15 years and it dosenr get better I'm sorry. I would happily cut her out of my life if it wasn't for my husband and our 2 girls

OP, tell DH this has been too much for you and you will not be hosting them next year. He maybe doesnt see how annoying she is as he’s grown up with her but he cant expect you to play host for every Christmas when she’s like this!
Either he needs to grow some balls and give her an outright no, or you need to make other plans for Xmas - going away or other family (yours) come to stay so there’s no room.

Book to go away next Christmas right now. You’ll be tied into these ‘traditions’ if you let her have her way. Break them down as soon and as thoroughly as you can so she can’t hold them over you.

Your house your rules!

@Forleaznavidad Why are you rolling over and taking this bullshit OP?! Put your foot down! You do realise what has actually happened is you've been banished from your own living room and from your own baby, just to avoid making another person uncomfortable......Even though it likely made you feel uncomfortable 😳

I am sorry but this made me laugh! 😂 I feel for you.

What's your husband's take on his mother's behaviour? Was he upset at her being upset - or amused / exasperated / perplexed / sympathetic / oblivious / something else? I'd honestly be expecting him to step up and manage his parents' behaviour in your/his home.

I think I would have to be putting a stop to this.

'Margaret, I'd appreciate it if you'd stop making such a song and dance over everything. It really sucks the fun and spontaneity out of life, trying to force every little thing into becoming some sort of 'tradition'. Please don't, thank you.'

Yes, she'll huff and there will be 'an atmosphere'. But I'm not sure that's any worse in the long run to the atmosphere she is creating. And it might serve to lay the ground that coming to yours for Christmas is NOT going to be the default.

NPD

The thing about traditions is that they are supposed to revolve organically over time, and without noticing they become traditions. You don’t just declare them after doing them once.
I think you need to nip some of these ‘traditions’ in the bud - they aren’t traditions they are events/ behaviours your MIL is inflicting on you with no discussion or consideration if other people want to do them too. If not you will end up hosting them every Xmas, in addition to DDs birthday, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day etc as I’m sure MIL will invent a tradition For them too.

"Sorry MIL but you've had your family traditions with your own child (DH) so if we're watching Christmas movies, I will be watching with my own child"

in all honesty, I'd just tell your DH that you want your own traditions from now on so you will see his parents the week after Christmas from now on.

Unbelievably tedious.
Shorten the visits and put your foot down.

She sounds like a sulky huffy brat.
Zero tolerance is the way to go.

My friend had a similar MIL and told her husband straight out. I don't like your mother, she clearly doesn't like me, I will avoid her as much as possible and I will not be hosting. You are on your own. I will take the children away when she is visiting if it suits me.

Took two years of this for MIL to calm down and my friend to be occasionally in the house when she visits.
Her husband does all the hosting and catering.
Her MIL thinks she is a disgrace but she is very very wary of her to her face.

My friends sister's in law think she is a legend.😁

Start as you mean to go. Pull back and grey rock her tedious traditions and demands. Ignore huffy behaviour completely. Be clear with your husband you will go and stay with your family so he can spend quality time with HIS mother.

Is DD her first grandchild and what is she like in other respects? Plenty of grandparents will see their own children in grandchildren and it can be hard not to comment on the similarities, even if its boring as hell to everyone else - DGPs can suffer from PFB just like parents.

If this is her only annoying feature then I'd just roll my eyes and get on with it. Most of us have our idiosyncracies which annoy others - it doesn't need pathologising into syndromes and toxic families most of the time where an eye roll or conversation is all that is needed.

If its actually causing strife and problems in the family or if there is something else going on as well then that would be different.

That sounds really insufferable OP, MIL should leave her traditions for her own hosting, you are a young family you will be making your own. Unbelievable cheeky of MILto think you will host next year too. Do you have family? You might want to spend Christmas Day with them or on your own.

They ALL do it then! My Mil insisted my children were a copy of my DH besides them looking quite different from each other..

Another example there’s a traditional Christmas film she wants to watch as she watched it with DH when he was little. It was on catchup so I said we would put it on. Nope, MIL must watch it alone with my DD to ‘keep the tradition’ even though DD is 6 months old and doesn’t really watch TV. She’s asked if I can leave her alone with DD tomorrow afternoon so they can watch it. Again does it have to be a big deal?

It’s all really annoying but this ^ would piss me off the most because family traditions shouldn’t exclude anyone- the idea should be to extend them to everyone else who wants to join in. Also your 6 month old baby does not give a shit about this movie, she won’t watch and understand it and will either want to sleep or be entertained in some other way. Will granny throw a tantrum at her too?

Sounds like my stepmother, who likes to keep up an enthusiastic running commentary on everything that’s happening, so all eyes are on her and no one can enjoy the moment: “Oh, LOOK, DS: it’s your birthday cake! Wow! We’re all singing happy birthday, aren’t we?!” Well, you’re not actually, you’re talking over everyone else singing happy birthday to ask a stupid question of a two-year-old.

I think you need Christmas as a family of 3 next year. It was nice to have everyone while the baby was little, but next year DD will be a bit more aware and you want to celebrate in your own family unit and have your own traditions take centre stage.

You’ve done a full week this year, it’s only completely fair you alternate. Next Christmas is for your family or yourselves. Not ILs. MIL needs to learn she isn’t centre of the universe

I think you need to make it quite clear asap that you don’t know what you’re doing next year, might see your family etc because clearly mil thinks next Christmas is going to be an exact repeat of this Christmas….

I think the thing that makes it irritating is that she doesn't check things out with you - eg she doesn't ask whether she can create a tradition with your daughter, she tells you that she is going to. She doesn't ask how much contribution she can make, she tells you what the contribution will be. And so on. It's very hidden behind the seeming kindness and sweetness of the gestures and traditions. She also undermines you with your dh by going to him when you put a boundary in place. You need to have a word with your dh and somehow change the dynamic so it's clear that you also have a say in what happens. You need to reply in a way that makes it clear you are in charge of dd and involved in decisions about money eg 'oh thank you £100 would be lovely, that won't quite cover everything so do you think you could also bring some wine and a pudding?'

Sounds like a Toxic family set up.
Central toxic family member who controls everyone around them with demands and kicks off when people don't "obey"

don't emotionally engage or get caught in the trap
Great advice from PP
It's a game where she makes controlling demands , step out of the game
When she wangs on about money reply " thank you" and then change the subject, remember something from the kitchen, pop to the loo etc
Her " tradition" reply neutrally but firmly that's lovely MIL, but not our tradition
DD is asleep right now " cup of tea?"
"Oh gosh look its raining, snowing"
Keep yourself calm and balanced and non reactive
She wants reaction so that she can play her victim game and everyone else you are wrong.
Neutral phrases all the way and limit the time you spend with her

You need to make plans for next year asap.