to be upset that partner shouted at me on Christmas Day

There is in most cases where you have young children an inevitable element of chaos but let's say for argument's sake that you are in fact very chaotic and disorganised and your DH just can't bear it. That would not in any way, shape or form give your DH the right to roar and shout at you like that, especially in front of the kids. If he finds you that hard to live with then he should take steps to separate, not continue to terrorise his family in that way. Please seek help from Women's Aid.

*He has always been like this but it's getting worse. I think he carries a lot of stress, and life with small children isn't easy, but I know in my heart it can't be ok to behave like that.

I feel so sad about it as I just want us to be a family. When he's nice he's really fun and a lovely dad, but at the drop of a hat he can be like this, and I know it can't go on. I'm just so sad that it's come to this.*

I think you need to say all of this to him, while the kids aren't around, obviously. Sometimes when a partner asks for a divorce, the other one is completely blindsided. However, this shows your situation is becoming untenable, and you're on the verge of checking out emotionally. If you think he's capable of change, you should give him an ultimatum. If he just becomes abusive again, unfortunately I think you have your answer.

Please get him to leave now, call the police to do it. Call your father or any brothers/uncles etc you can rope in to go to your house and get him to leave. Those poor children especially the 5 year old is going to remember this Christmas. Believe me, children remember. Do you really want their childhood and their childhood memories being destroyed like this? Its not fair on you to live with an abusive partner, but its especially NOT fair on your poor innocent vulnerable children. Please don't make this their childhood. Get him to leave now. Today even.

You need to leave ASAP to stop him causing further damage to your children. Sorry but your dreams are irrelevant now, you need to protect your kids.

And therein lies the problem it's getting worse, you and the children will be conditioned into not upsetting him constantly walking on eggshells.
I'm sick of seeing these threads because of abusive men and repeating myself of my own experiences in a DV household.

The memories of seeing, hearing, experiences of DV and abuse and having violence used against me as a child leaves its mark and I'm talking decades later don't let it be your child.
And the the first hit will come eventually and once that line is crossed it's the go to to make you compliant.

He sounds horrible. Don't settle you don't need to be with him just because you have kids.

Basically his point is that I never listen to him, am never on time, and this causes chaos which then makes him look like the bad guy because he loses his rag.

He IS the bad guy. Perhaps some of your actions are also contributing to the problem, but it’s not acceptable or excusable for him to be yelling at you and calling you misogynistic names, especially in front of the children. Does he really lack self-control to that degree? If so, he needs to get professional help to control and channel his anger and to accept responsibility rather than blaming you.

Even if you don’t stay together, he has two children and he
despearately needs to grow up so he can parent them.

i try not to end up writing essays because i end up oversharing, but when i said i've been where you are, i meant it. i'm now divorced and much happier.

There was a point it was all my fault, he'd scream, and shout, and threaten, accuse me of stressing him out so badly i was clearly trying to kill him by heart-attack... <eye-roll>

He'd resort to threatening to leave, and i'd apologise, and explain and smooth over and cry.. and you know.. the day i turned around and went 'well.. you know where the door is' was the last time he said it.. he stomped upstairs telling me he was packing, and didn't.. instead he stayed up there all afternoon.

dont engage with him, dont apologise, dont explain.. they can't argue with or threaten someone who isn't responding to them, just go 'ok' and carry on with your day.

and please, leave.

also.. even if he ends up making counselling noises, anger management... don't bother, might work for a bit, they just revert to type within a few months. ..as for relationship, they just use it as a place to attack you, either in front of the therapist, or later, at home.

I really hope he follows through on that threat. It'd be the best gift he could give you and your children 🙏🏾.

You are not on the same wavelength.

He needs order, early nights, earlier meals etc.
You cope in chaos, function better later in the day.
You are not compatible.

Unless you have a split life - where he does chores in the mornings and everything important to him being done early by him (including dinner), and you keep the coal fires burning into the evening doing chores after he is in bed, it will never be serene.
The kids deserve better.

Either agree to tolerate, be happy and never berate each other while understanding all shortcomings, or you should separate.

DONT LET THE DOOR HIT YA WHERE THE GOOOOOD LORD SPLIT YA"
Excellent, I've never heard it put like that before. 😅🤣

Poor you!

And your poor children. This will be a core memory for them now, as it happened on Xmas day, they will remember the arguments. I do, from my own shitty childhood.

Please get away from this man. This is domestic violence.

He doesn't have an anger problem or need anger management. I bet he doesn't act like this at work or out in public when he experiences a minor inconvenience, only in private and directed at his family.

This isn't about anger. It's about entitlement and control. The way he's treating OP is a choice.

I bet sometimes you're stressed and think the children are being annoying. Never behave like that though do you?
It is not acceptable, regardless of what is happening. I reckon he manages not to behave like that at work when he's having a bad day, so he can give you the same courtesy.
He can fuck off with blaming you for his behaviour as well, we are all responsible for ourselves.

While I absolutely agree that she needs to get as far from this twat as possible... didn't he say he was going? I'd gather all his crap and start shoveling it out the front door, give the CF a hand and why wait till Christmas is over? Now is perfect, @Februarygirl you and your children deserve so much more it can take a while for you to figure that out but you'll get there 🌸

He has anger problems op. Yes, maybe (and I say maybe) you do do things that are frustrating and annoying, but that is no way to respond. He needs to find better ways to manage his stress and anger, and unless and until he does, you cannot be together, and even more definitely not with children in the mix.

Everyone loses it occasionally, but swearing and pointing in your face is completely unacceptable because it causes fear.

It sounds as if he has always been angry, but that this is now escalating in intensity and frequency. It's very easy for people to say 'get out', but hard to do in reality if things are otherwise good. I think the key thing OP is how often this happens and whether he is willing to work on it. From what you write it doesn't seem as though he understands how unacceptable this is. Unfortunately this type of behaviour can only be resolved with serious hard work on self-care and anger management and it doesn't sound as if he is going to be up for that.

The key thing to remember is that it is not your fault. Even if dinner is late or whatever else, the appropriate response is never shouting and aggression. His behaviour is 100% unjustified and you should not tolerate it.

He is abusive so although I’d want to I probably wouldn’t tell him to fuck off in case he got physical. But you don’t have to live like this and should find a safe way to tell him it’s over.

Has it ever occurred to him to pull his finger out and make the bloody dinner himself?

It's probably not what you want to hear but I see you making excuses for him but your children saw it and that may well stay with them for a long time. You need to leave and leave now for you and your children's health and safety please

OP he is not normal. None of the situations you described warrant that sort of reaction from him. He is an abusive man. You need to leave him.

Love to you OP. I recognise what you have described so well, and it is abusive. I hope you know that.

Next time, for your safety and to make it easier. Say yes you’re right. I’m obviously terrible. Let’s call it a day. I’ll speak to a lawyer in the next week or so and organise our separation asap. As of now, we are no longer together. Thanks for your input. Then breathe deep and walk away.

I distinctly remember a crunch moment in the run up to Christmas when my H (now XH!) had created a drama (I can’t even remember why, just how I felt). He yelled, DD was crying and wouldn’t come downstairs, I had an injury and physically couldn’t get upstairs to comfort her…so we were both crying while he refused to do anything. I knew in that moment I had to get us out of that environment. I asked for a separation in the New Year. Every Christmas since, I am filled with joy that he’s not here bringing us down.
Please, please give yourself and your DC the best gift ever and get yourselves away from this man. It was honestly the best decision I ever made.

Your poor kids. Get out of there OP what are you thinking!