To think that there was a sort of peak Christmas in the 90s and that really nobody wants the huge event?

Your subject heading suggests that the peak of wanting and providing the perfect Xmas was in the 90's? There was no elf on the shelf in the 90s, no lavish taking the kids to lapland and expensive wonderland events, no xmas eve boxes. I actually think the last few years have peaked for the perfect Xmas. Things were a lot simpler in the 80s and 90s. So much pressure these days.

Enjoy the simple parts in both big and small Christmases. Enjoy the randomness of gifts and food. Enjoy convenience, not everything needs to be a slog.

Expect children and dogs to get tired. Expect sibling rivalry. Expect clashes of expectation among in laws etc. Expect a level of family messiness and imperfect behaviour.

Just take it as it comes, togetherness. Keep the older and younger generation happy, where possible.

Nope. No magic, just stressed parents, me being an afterthought and a hindrance, my birthday forgotten or rushed because it was in the way of all the prep, lots of loud , drunk relatives, being lost in the crowd, stupid arguments, a billion rules and so on.

Hence never doing "big" Christmas as an adult.

Surely everyone's peak Christmas is when they themselves were children, with all the magic aimed at them and none of the responsibility and expense

I guess, like with many other things, that can happen if it's not what you want/have little choice over it.

Me and DH had more family around us when we were kids which definitely contributes to it feeling smaller now. My DH really struggled to get his head round a nuclear family only Christmas Day.

I don't know if long distance travel is worse now but me and my parents just can't face it over the Christmas period, traffic jams, rail disruptions. We make lots of effort to visit at other times of the year instead but have accepted we'll rarely be together at actual Christmas.

For me, it's "big" Christmases that are anti-climactic. My extended family used to do big Christmases and I found the anticipation and build-up was huge but the day inevitably fell flat.

Not in my house.

DH cooked with me as did my adult DS’s.

DS’s set the table, including with gorgeous greenery from the garden. They cleared afterwards.

Each DS and DH did their own Christmas shopping, choosing presents or asking for some ideas. All wrapped by them.

This has always been the expectation since a time when I was a single parent and each DS had key jobs to do. One would make the Yorkshire puddings and cranberry sauce, another would prepare ( as a five year old) the sausage meat balls and mix the stuffing. Another planned and set the table and arranged the Christmas play list.

Christmas is very much a joint affair here. We have an amazing time, working along together, Christmas music on, before all getting dressed for dinner.

Why does a small Christmas feel small
and disappointing? Some nice food , rest, relaxation, being with loved ones or not,giving small thoughtful presents and doing things to make others happy. Why isn’t that enough and disappointing? Christmas has turned into a wasteful, expensive stress fest which it now appears we’re conditioned to feel we need to do to have a good time.

I know so many people that are over the big, expensive, wasteful Christmas’s. Look at all the bitter threads on MN What is the point of a Christmas like that- financially, environmentally and mentally?

Doesn’t a small Christmas give you so
much more?

Disagree. I’m an eighties child do probably had my peak Christmases in the early 90’s. My family Christmas is still almost an exact replica of my childhood.

Tree up a couple of weeks before Christmas. A few outdoor lights. No elves or visits to Santa. Run a stall a the village fete for the church. A few church services in the run up.

Christmas Eve - busy morning for dh on the farm. One child helps him, one helps me prep all the veg. Ham, coleslaw and nice bread for tea. Games and films once it’s dark.

Christmas Day - kids open their stocking. Few litttl bits plus a Lego set. Then farm jobs completed whilst I cook. In laws and the odd sibling arrive at 12, lunch at one. Bit more farm work by Dh and child at 4 pm. Family game around 5. Cheese and biscuits and Christmas cake around 6, everyone does around 7. Presents spread through the day.

Boxing Day. Dh and one child will work this morning, other child and I will clear up. I’ll force everyone out for a Boxing Day walk and then leftovers for tea.

we even have virtually the same menu as my mum made growing up although ive incorporated DH’s family trifle over my Mum’s pavlova.

It does cost a bit to host I will say but we have a fab time and my 11 year old declared it the best Christmas ever yesterday despite me worrying he hasn’t got loads of gifts now he’s a bit older. He’s enjoying a different kind of Christmas - he was out in charge of pouring the wine yesterday and loved it!

Christmss itself has become over commercialised sunce the 1970s, and so the true meaning of it, the togetherness and good will has been lost in the onslaught of the big sell and hyped up social media.

The big Christmases can feel empty and wasteful

The small Christmas can feel disappointing and miserable.

Of course any Christmas you can enjoy and celebrate and not do any of the work is going to feel magical and amazing. Especially if you happen to be a child.

We have tried simple Christmases and they can often feel like a huge anti climax and very disappointing.

It really isn’t.

Is there? It's not compulsory and also easy to ignore. Just because something is in an advert or the shops or on social media, it doesn't mean you have to do it.

Make your own Christmas traditions and have the things you want. If you don't have the inclination, time, energy or money for something then why do it because others do?

Baffles me how so many people seem to think they don't have any choice over the matter. What's going to happen if you don't buy presents in October, put your tree up and decorate the outside of your house in November, have matching pyjamas and Elf on the Shelf in December or cook enough to feed the 5000 on the day itself? Nothing. No-one else is going to notice or care and if they did, so what? Let them do them and you do you.

Soviet Spy puts it well. I think Christmas was bigger in the 90's, but in a different way. More hosting, bigger get togethers, popping round to see people. More food, like watching Delia prepare cabbage and chutneys all throughout November etc. as pp said those tv programmes aren't really mainstream anymore.

Sadly as Spy said everyone is now knackered, just wants a break. When you think about it, this is so very sad.

I loved trying to create the perfect Christmas. My in laws would stay for a week, the house was spotless and there was every Christmas treat you could ask for. It was exhausting as I was essentially running a hotel/cafe for the in-laws and the revolving door or people they wanted to catch up with.
But this year as I’m now working full time and only have public holidays off I told DH he had to either cancel his parents stay or host them himself, as I’m not doing any of it. Lunch is at my parents house they are welcome to come too. This parents turn up to a filthy house, as DH didn’t want to clean. They ended up leaving a few days early. I think that’s the end of our big Christmas.

This Christmas both my DH and I were sick so by necessity we had a chill day at home. Made a simple but delicious meal, played Mario Kart 8 together and had loads of laughs. It was heaven.

I think people were more (happily) social in the 90's. But there was also less pressure to put on the picture perfect christmas for social media.

I grew up in the 90's. We had a dodge tree with a bit of tinsel and some homemade bunting. Went to evening mass on xmas eve, then a bit roast on the day. A few presents were opened after lunch. Then we all watched a movie or went for a walk. Grandparents, usually some aunts/uncles and cousins. And that was it. Relaxed, informal, fun. How it should (and can) be. Ignore the external influences and make it what you want it to be.

Grew up in the fab 90s big family gatherings. Since covid we just don't do that anymore. Unfortunately it doesn't work for us as we don't live close by to family so would spend hours driving and it's not the same since my Nan died.

However I actually really love our chilled Xmas. We do loads in the run up to Xmas, have a lovely morning opening gifts with the kids (we don't buy for each other) and this year we went out to eat which was so nice and chilled. Really enjoyed the day doing what we want.

We have the big family get together on Boxing Day instead.

People certainly dressed more formally which made things look more fancy. However as PPs have pointed out there weren't things like light trails, elf on the shelf etc. Our advent calendar was the same paper one we reopened every year.

Also, maybe this was just my family and people we knew but the food was exactly the same every year, no need to experiment with exotic recipes or food trends.

Also, you may be a certain age which means your core memories were from an era

This is it basically. You remember all the big Christmases when it was new and exciting and worth the effort. Now you're 30 years older and tireder and ready to take it back a few notches and enjoy a low key Christmas. Same goes for me, and the thing that has changed is us tbh.

You've absolutely nailed it as far as I'm concerned!

Wall to wall perfect? Only a fool would try and do that.
I'm not really sure why people tie themselves in knots about cooking the dinner (or setting a nice table etc). It's a roast with a few extra components and my main issue is not enough oven space! But other than the sheer amount of dishes used it's really not that hard, especially now with decent frozen roasties and prepared veg (must say the Waitrose sprouts were excellent this year).
If you have small children then DH can take charge of them. I'm a widow but back then he did the cooking (and was a very tidy cook - hardly any mess afterwards) and I did the kids.
We do traditional dinner and I wouldn't want to deviate. My dishwasher is actually out of action currently but even so it's fine.

I agree OP that late 80s-early 2000s was “peak Christmas”, largely because there was a specific and quite widespread Boomer kind of Christmas that was both more elaborate and planned and fancier than the pre-Boomer Christmas, and that has kind of gone out of fashion or seems too much these days. I mean we do loads for Christmas these days, collectively, but somehow seem to fit in less stuff for some reason.

Like - a Christmas Day for my grandparents (pre-Boomer) went something like: get up late morning, put turkey on, couple of presents, menfolk nip to pub for an hour when it was open, Christmas lunch (two courses: dry turkey (frozen from the local butcher), sprouts/potatoes/stuffing and gravy, followed by Christmas pudding and cream, Queen’s speech, then a long rest of the day in front of Morecambe & Wise and Tommy Cooper drinking whisky, eating leftovers and cheap cheese on Jacob’s cream crackers and smoking like chimneys until all rolling off to bed still drunk.

Boomer Christmas of my 80s/90s childhood went something like this:

All kids up at crack of dawn, stockings, eat chocolate, full breakfast of croissants etc., showers & dressed in party clothes/Sunday best, then tree presents (loads); clear up wrapping paper, put turkey in oven, then to church at ten, complete with each child bringing one of their new toys to show at church. Mince pie and tea afterwards in church hall.

Then back to put roast potatoes on at 11:30, rearrange sofas for guests, family guests start arriving at 11:30am, champagne at 12:30, dinner with at least three courses starting at 1pm (starter, which got more elaborate over the years from melon or soup to smoked salmon mousses and so on); then full Christmas roast including three types of potatoes, fresh farm-reared free range turkey for twelve, pigs in blankets, plus carrots/sprouts/broccoli/sweetcorn/roasted butternut squash/home made bread sauce/home made cranberry sauce. Then Christmas pudding with cream, brandy butter and another dessert for those who don’t like Xmas pud, followed by Stilton and biscuits for cheese, liqueur chocolates and coffee while watching the Queen and Christmas Top of the Pops.

Then the big Christmas film on BBC1 at 5-7pm while kids play with new toys. Parents clear up. Then everyone piles into car to drive round 2-3 different relatives’ houses for full Christmas evening buffets, Christmas cake, and drinks at each house, party games, charades, Trivial Pursuit and board games until midnight or so.

This all seemed quite normal and what everyone seemed to do for Christmas in our rather traditional and homogenous town.

I mean though - it was fucking mad in retrospect. Not only was everyone kind of drink-driving around all evening, and going out to church leaving the turkey in the oven (!) but I have no idea how my parents fitted it all in. It must have been like a military operation. And who wants to go out driving around to auntie so-and-so’s and grandma’s all evening after all that? I guess people often lived closer to relatives though in those days - whereas I now live half the country away from my family.

My Christmas now - is not actually that dissimilar from my pre-boomer grandparents (only with less smoking, pub, whisky and Morecambe and Wise, and with far better food). We get up late morning, kid opens stocking on our bed, lazy brunch of pastries or eggs on sourdough, open some tree presents, then we have a roast (slimmed down to just a really good free range meat, roasties, lots of veg but no sprouts, home made gravy), then a non-Christmas pudding dessert). In the evening we put on some Christmas music and watch a bit of TV, have some leftovers, a glass of wine or two and then go to bed. We’re exhausted enough by that - no idea how we’d manage church or an evening buffet!

Long post, but I definitely agree that people don’t tend to do the full Boomer mad Christmas Day as much any more. Fewer people going to church, no-one would leave the oven on these days while they’re out, it’s not fashionable right now to dress up much, people don’t tend to want to overeat or drink as much as they did, and often don’t live that near all their relatives, or want to put on a big evening buffet (or go to one). Drink-driving is socially very unacceptable for most people these days. TV is rubbish as well now at Christmas - no big Christmas film that everyone wants to see; no Christmas Top of the Pops to watch for the Christmas number 1 with bated breath. The big Boomer Christmas seems on the way out to me.

"Now you never see any programmes like that on tv."

Whaaaaaat?! I rarely watch live television and even I've seen an endless stream of those sorts of programmes!