Page 4 | Family always leave me out at Christmas…

CoolMoose · 2024-12-25T18:30:02+00:00

As the title says really, my family always leave me out at Christmas. I have several sisters and they have children and they are always invited to my parents at Christmas. They can sleep over and have Christmas dinner together and everything. Last year I kicked up a bit of a fuss because we are never invited Christmas Eve/Christmas Day or Boxing Day. I made it clear to my parents that it hurts that they never want to see me, my husband and children at Christmas but always have my sisters over. After being ignored for several days after saying I felt upset, my parents said we could go to theirs for dinner last year but they said it was the last time they were having anyone over at Christmas because they are getting too old (early 60s). So fast forward to this year, I assumed no one was going around over Christmas and my parents told me that they were assigning a set day to each child over the festive period to make it more manageable. I was totally ok with that until I tried to call everyone today to wish my sisters and parents merry Christmas. No one answered at first, then my sister called me back. It turns out they are all round my parents for Christmas dinner whereas we have been assigned New Year’s Day. AIBU for now not wanting to go on New Year’s Day? I have only seen my parents twice in the last 12 months because they always make excuses, but I find it stressful to constantly put my feelings aside…

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 21:12

CoolMoose · 26/12/2024 19:56

Update on this, I decided to send my parents a msg saying I won’t be going NYD because I’m upset that everyone else was at theirs Christmas and they tried to hide it from me.

My mum is fuming at me for being ungrateful that she allocated a full day for me on New Year’s Day and I’m ungrateful. She is mad that she bought food and she hasn’t responded to my msg or tried to call, but my sister has told me she is swearing and really mad with me. She has told my sister she wont be speaking with me until the new year now and she’s sick of me and things will be very different from now on.

I feel better for saying how I feel, but worse because I can’t understand why my parents can’t see my point of view.

So basically your mother will not tolerate you standing up for yourself, even when she is CLEARLY in the wrong. Jesus, OP, she sounds absolutely awful. I know it must really hurt, but on the other hand, at least you're not trapped with this God-awful pair like your sisters are. It might be a weird kind of blessing that they don't want you around. I know that's not the point, but they really do sound horrible.

Gabitule · 29/12/2024 21:11

pikkumyy77 · 29/12/2024 21:05

Really? You think your post doesn’t lead to self blame?

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Self-awareness maybe, but definitely not self-blame. OP may already know the answers to my questions, or maybe she will go through them in her mind and decide that she really hasn’t done or said anything to make her parents avoid her company. Or maybe she’ll think that she can sometimes come across the wrong way or be misunderstood… There’s no harm in looking at the situation from all points of view, regardless of the conclusions reached.

Nofrogslegs · 29/12/2024 21:11

You’re right to have called them out on this. Appalling attitude from your mum, it’s not a one off, they’ve been doing this to you for no reason for years. I’d probably not rush to reply once they’ve decided they can spare the time for you in the new year. They aren’t considering you, don’t you consider them, consider your own family (DH, DC) and let them get on with their selfish, inconsiderate lives.

Branwells77 · 29/12/2024 21:10

OP I’m so sorry you are going through this I do wonder if it is because you are not biologically your step Dads if that is the case then your Mum doesn’t deserve the title Mum because no mother should ever do what she is doing I would distance yourself I know it’s difficult but honestly over time you will feel so much better in yourself and do you really want your children around someone like that because chances are she will treat your children differently to the other grandchildren start your own family traditions I wouldn’t contact any of them going forward see how long it takes them to reach out to you
Good luck OP and best wishes for 2025

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 21:08

AdviceAdvice123 · 26/12/2024 08:23

I’m sorry OP, I hope you had a nice day with your husband and children.

Im afraid it probably is because because you’re the eldest and it’s your stepdad. I have this with my father, my parents divorced and he went on to have two more children. I got pushed further and further away until I was told I was only an obligation, not family. That was ten years ago and in some ways it was very freeing. But I’m still lying in bed on Boxing Day morning, almost 40, feeling sorry for myself because my father has no interest in me.

You can control this relationship now. You know how they have - repeatedly - treated you. You are under no obligation to treat them better than they have treated you.

Jesus, who the eff said that to you? And what did your mum say?

CornishIrish · 29/12/2024 21:06

I am so sorry. Families being hurtful and rejecting is very hard. I have found it easier just to step back to be honest. I give them very little thought now and it’s a lot easier than always picking at a wound.

I have nurtured my own brilliant little family of my husband and children who I adore and we are as close as can be. I don’t feel like I need them anymore now.

pikkumyy77 · 29/12/2024 21:05

Gabitule · 29/12/2024 20:45

OP, my heart goes to you, the rejection must feel so painful.

I don’t want to upset you but, other than being a step child to your mother’s husband, could you think of any other reasons that might make them want to avoid spending time with you? For example, my best friend is much more successful than her family and is also a bit ‘colder’ in her personality. Her mother prefers to spend her time with my friend’s sister who is warm and super chatty and humble. Of course my best friend is an amazing human, which is why she is my best friend, but I can see how her mother’s personality (and social status) makes it easier for her to connect with her other daughter.

You said you are successful. Is it possible that your parents think that you’re looking down on them or being arrogant about your success?
Are you perceived as difficult to communicate with, argumentative, etc?

You don’t need to reply to this message, just answer these questions to yourself.

i would also suggest asking your DSs to tell you honestly if they think there’s anything in your behaviour which your parents might struggle with.

please believe me that I’m not trying to suggest you are to blame at all for how your parents are treating you, but it’s important to look at things from all points of view

Really? You think your post doesn’t lead to self blame?

Bachboo · 29/12/2024 21:03

RareLilacFinch · 27/12/2024 02:56

Your sister sounds like a piece of work. She’s serving as the messenger so your mother can bully you (swearing, threats) while also stonewalling you. If I were you I’d tell her you don’t need to hear what your mother has to say unless she can say it directly to you.

I can’t understand the cognitive dissonance your sisters have around you being systematically excluded. Their excuses don’t make sense - if your stepdad is sick then they should have hosted nobody.

Your mother is trying to scare you into backing down by saying that “things will be very different”. Don’t allow yourself to be baited into reacting as she wants - what you need to do here is drop the rope. Calmly repeat the same sentence, “we were the only ones excluded from Christmas so we’re focussing on our own little family” or similar. Don’t let them distract from what they’ve done by engaging with anything they allege you’ve done - make sure the fact that you have been left out is repeated ad nauseam.

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This is a perfect response. OP use this.

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 21:02

maddening · 25/12/2024 19:42

I would message a group message to them all to ask why you are not welcome in the family at Christmas

Yes. Stand up for yourself, OP. The relationship is shot anyway, might as well let them know that you've noticed their treatment of you and it's not good enough.

AfraidToRun · 29/12/2024 21:02

I'm the "never ask for anything" child, eventually this got interpretated as being the "thinks she's better than us" child, when it's really "you were never there for me so I learned to shut up" child. I have no words of wisdom, but you are not alone.

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 20:58

CoolMoose · 29/12/2024 20:43

Thank you so much to all of you who have taken the time to comment.

I have returned to this post over the last few days and it’s really helped me to realise that I don’t have to feel guilty about not going NYD and for saying how I feel.

Ive told my parents how they make me feel and my mum called me, but sadly only to let me know how angry she is and how grateful I should be. They have said they will be in contact sometime after the new year now and so I’m just going to leave it there for now.

I’m sorry to hear that some others are experiencing the same and I hope you find a way through.

I'm really glad that you expressed yourself to your "family."

MegaClutterSlut · 29/12/2024 20:57

Really shitty behaviour on their part, just nasty. Would never treat my dc this way, surprised your sisters dont question it either. I think for your own MH, it's best to step back, they clearly don't give a shit

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 20:55

MintShaker · 27/12/2024 07:21

There's always three sides to a story so it's impossible to judge who's right and who's not.

Edited

I couldn't disagree more strongly. Yes, often there are three sides...but sometimes there are just horrible people being mean to someone who doesn't deserve it.

BananaSpanner · 29/12/2024 20:55

CoolMoose · 29/12/2024 20:43

Thank you so much to all of you who have taken the time to comment.

I have returned to this post over the last few days and it’s really helped me to realise that I don’t have to feel guilty about not going NYD and for saying how I feel.

Ive told my parents how they make me feel and my mum called me, but sadly only to let me know how angry she is and how grateful I should be. They have said they will be in contact sometime after the new year now and so I’m just going to leave it there for now.

I’m sorry to hear that some others are experiencing the same and I hope you find a way through.

What does your mum say about why you weren’t invited for Christmas and your sisters were and why it was kept secret from you?

BeAzureAnt · 29/12/2024 20:54

I’m sorry OP. Your mother is really out of line here. Just go low contact. Engaging with her/stepdad/sisters is just going to be hurtful in future, and no one needs that.

Sugargliderwombat · 29/12/2024 20:53

This is awful op. I hope you can find a way to cut them out, they don't deserve yours or your families love.

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 20:52

I'm really sorry, OP. That's horrible. Hugs xxx

I wonder if it's your stepdad more than your mum, and she's going along?

I don't know how any couple can treat a child like this, including an adult one. I'm so glad you have a nice life of your own, OP.

Edit: What do you sisters say about it all?

Wintersgirl · 29/12/2024 20:52

MintShaker · 27/12/2024 07:21

There's always three sides to a story so it's impossible to judge who's right and who's not.

Edited

Are you the OPs Mother or Sister?

Frontroomroomjungle · 29/12/2024 20:50

OP, after I went NC with my parents I got a rant email about everything they'd done for me, how awful I was being and their expectations of me. The second to last line was something like "if you're in some sort of trouble we might be able to help".

For all they knew, OH was controlling me and cutting me off from everyone (he wasn't). But it wasn't the warmest invitation to seek help. They all have the same script that they trot out variations of.

I hope you also find the Stately Homes thread and that can also give you some support.

OrNo · 29/12/2024 20:46

I honestly don't think you've done anything wrong. At the moment your mum is feeling shame because you've called her out on her excluding you.

Anyone knows New Year's Day is not comparable to Christmas Day. She's treating you differently to your sisters AND has hidden/tried to hide the fact you were excluded from Christmas Day.

I would gently step away from your other family and look inwards at the family you've created. You will only continue to be hurt if you have high expectations of your other family.

JANEY205 · 29/12/2024 20:45

I would not take the call and would block your mother for a bit. Take back the control here or you will find yourself so anxious waiting for the call. Your mother is AWFUL.

Gabitule · 29/12/2024 20:45

OP, my heart goes to you, the rejection must feel so painful.

I don’t want to upset you but, other than being a step child to your mother’s husband, could you think of any other reasons that might make them want to avoid spending time with you? For example, my best friend is much more successful than her family and is also a bit ‘colder’ in her personality. Her mother prefers to spend her time with my friend’s sister who is warm and super chatty and humble. Of course my best friend is an amazing human, which is why she is my best friend, but I can see how her mother’s personality (and social status) makes it easier for her to connect with her other daughter.

You said you are successful. Is it possible that your parents think that you’re looking down on them or being arrogant about your success?
Are you perceived as difficult to communicate with, argumentative, etc?

You don’t need to reply to this message, just answer these questions to yourself.

i would also suggest asking your DSs to tell you honestly if they think there’s anything in your behaviour which your parents might struggle with.

please believe me that I’m not trying to suggest you are to blame at all for how your parents are treating you, but it’s important to look at things from all points of view

Original poster

CoolMoose · 29/12/2024 20:43

Thank you so much to all of you who have taken the time to comment.

I have returned to this post over the last few days and it’s really helped me to realise that I don’t have to feel guilty about not going NYD and for saying how I feel.

Ive told my parents how they make me feel and my mum called me, but sadly only to let me know how angry she is and how grateful I should be. They have said they will be in contact sometime after the new year now and so I’m just going to leave it there for now.

I’m sorry to hear that some others are experiencing the same and I hope you find a way through.

OP posts:

GivingitToGod · 29/12/2024 20:42

MJconfessions · 29/12/2024 20:16

To be honest I think your parentage has everything to do with this. You’re forever the step-child essentially.

I think it’s telling how your stepdad is unwell, and his biological kids were made aware. They (him and your mum) purposely didn’t think you needed to know, because they don’t see you as on the same level as your siblings. The fact he’s unwell and they all spent Christmas together rallying around him, without you, just suggests they don’t see you as close family. They see those 4, as the proper family unit.

I think part of this is fuelled by your stepdad but ultimately your mother feels the same. Her volatile reaction to you is telling. She probably sees her other daughters as her do-over/proper family. And she probably sees you, as horrible as it sounds, as an afterthought. A “mistake”, a relic of her past, an embodiment of her ex/your dad etc.

The fact she’s banging on about how things will be different, she’s done with you, she’s fuming and swearing etc just suggests she has a really unhealthy opinion of you. She just doesn’t like you frankly.

Bloody hell, this is EXTREME

GivingitToGod · 29/12/2024 20:41

CoolMoose · 25/12/2024 18:36

There’s no reason that I can understand. That’s one of the reasons I really struggle with it.

I can’t help but wonder if it’s because I’m not the biological child of my stepdad and my younger sisters are.

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Very upsetting situation OP, you have every right to be upset. You not being the biological daughter of your stepdad shouldn't make any difference at all.
I wouldn't go on NYD but I would be seeking an honest answer from your mum.