Family always leave me out at Christmas…

Only just read this bit. OP bin them off. You don’t need these people in your life.

if your mum is not even prepared to acknowledge the behaviour & try to call you “ungrateful” then I doubt she’d ever change.

save yourself the pain & stress & go either no or very very low contact. You don’t owe them anything

Oh OP that’s such hurtful behaviour from your family :( your completely NTA

if I was you I’d just go no contact & see how long before they contact you. If they don’t then you have your own family just be part of & you don’t need them. If parents ask why you’ve not been in touch you need to have a very Frank conversation with them. You’re the only stepchild & from your other comments you are clearly being treated differently & that so hurtful.

hope things get better

The reason your parents won’t accept your point of view, is because then they would have to acknowledge how utterly disgusting and hurtful their behaviour is. It’s inexcusably nasty, so they’re turning it on you and saying you’re ungrateful for the few crumbs of acknowledgment they’re willing to throw your way. Don’t let them off the hook, they need to know just how badly they are making you feel.

I'd say don't let your family control this situation & keep you waiting for their attention. I know it's hard to give up your hopes & expectations that one day they might treat you properly, but from what you've said here, they're not going to. There's a family set-up which you did not cause & which you cannot change. You've waited, you've been patient. You've politely tried to put it right by making them aware of how their unnatural unkindness makes you feel, & what you would like them to do instead. But they don't want it to be put right, & in reality you can't force them to be the better people they ought to be.

Your (step/)parents are not treating you fairly & your sisters are going along with that & protecting/being obedient to their parents. They don't want to rock the boat, maybe because they've seen how their parents have effectively cut you out of the family, & they don't want that to happen to them. So they defend their parents to you, even though their parents are in the wrong.

I know it's painful to look at the hard, cold realities of a situation. But sometimes we reach a point where that's the best thing to do, for our own safety & wellbeing. You're a good person & you deserve to be treated properly by a loving family. But that's something that not everybody gets. I'm another one of those who didn't. But you have made a family of your own, & that's a wonderful thing. Find your joy in them. Your FOO don't know what they're missing.

All the best.💐

@CoolMoose that all sounds awful.
You should be grateful for their crumbs of attention? WTF.
You aren’t going to change them and might have to walk away. They know what hurts you and may use that in the future to hurt you again.
. The “ step dad has been ill” is also emotional manipulation to make you feel bad — my parents were experts in this.

For now I’d leave them alone, no messaging. Give it a couple of weeks until Christmas and NY is behind us and then see how you feel. You don’t have to make any big announcements if you choose to go NC but be aware your parents might ( not for sure but might) slag you off to all and sundry. ( mine did and tbh I laughed at the things they’d said they were so bloody stupid)
The upside is your life will be calmer and you can spend your time with friends who like and care about you.

'I've also seen that the youngest child may be favoured while the oldest is left to get on with it, especially if they are capable. Of course it's not fair - it's the mother who is at fault, not the child.'

That's the situation in my family. I am the oldest, first to have a family by many years. The youngest is very much favoured.
I've come to terms with it now but it is a nasty rejection and has caused much upset.

I'm really sorry @CoolMoose. Your mother's behaviour is appalling and your sister's and step father's not much better. Anyone would feel rejected and upset in this situation.
You have dealt with the situation in a calm and mature way and have nothing to blame yourself for. I would go low contact with them all unless they apologise to you and make permanent changes. Unfortunately, it is unlikely that they will do this given what you describe.
I have been in a very similar situation myself, although for a different reason. We were not included because we the only ones with DC long before my siblings and were therefore deemed too much trouble/ too many of us/ too noisy and were excluded when my siblings were all invited to stay year after year. This, along with other incidents over the years mean that we hardly ever see my parents now and they don't know the DC. It's sad but I just can't see the point and don't feel at all close to them after many years of this behaviour.

This.
Maybe it happens in more families than I'd have realised.
I do think children from the first relationship are liable to get a raw deal compared to those from the later relationship - I've seen this happen elsewhere. I've also seen that the youngest child may be favoured while the oldest is left to get on with it, especially if they are capable. Of course it's not fair - it's the mother who is at fault, not the child.

I’m sorry if you’ve said and I somehow missed it, but have you asked them why they do this?

100% @Catpuss66

Gosh what a horrible thing for your mother to do. I think the sisters are probably just going along with how things have always been. Your stepfather might see his other daughter's differently, but your mother is behaving terribly. She is now trying to blame you for her excluding you.

Honestly, I can see how it's really hard to go no contact, but the way they are treating you and putting you down and gas-lighting you is terrible. I think this is one of those rare occasions were you might be better off stepping back from them for a while.

I'd send a succinct message to your mother saying how hurtful and nasty she has been. She knew you felt excluded last year and she has done the same thing this year making you see them on a different day to everyone else. So you won't be going on NYD.

She should not be bad-mouthing you to your sisters or anyone. She was told how her exclusion made you feel, then they all met up without you again. No matter how she spins this - or how any of them try to spin this - they are acting terribly. Not you.

Don't let them try to blame this on you or make you feel guilty because they are suddenly sharing you step father is ill. They really are being horribly manipulative on top of excluding you, OP. You don't deserve that. Don't let them gaslight you into thinking you are being unreasonable here.

Your family sound awful. It doesn’t sound like you will change them or make them understand. I’d just not contact them and see if they contact you. If they don’t think it will be very telling.

You have no control over them only the way you react. Your mother blaming you is deflecting, she knows you are right, trying to blame you for a perceived wrong against her when actually you were calling out her bad behaviour. You are entitled to feel the way you do. I would not react that’s what they expect that’s how they would react. Sending hugs.x

"I think your Mothers behaviour is disgraceful. She’s blatantly favouring your half siblings and deflecting your hurt as your fault."

I agree - and the lying and deception are inexcusable.
If you really want to stay in touch with these people it may be best to keep it to a minimum. I hope you can have happier celebrations with your husband's family (you said they lived far away but the travelling may be worth it).

I agree that they are lost in their narrative - and I would think that your sisters have also been swept up in this narrative which seems to put all the ‘bad’ onto you. It’s not you. It’s not about you.
I would recommend therapy to support you to work through this and understand what is going on and then make an informed decision about how you are going to protect yourself emotionally in the future. I found therapy enormously helpful in understanding family dynamics.

Appalling behaviour..you deserve much better

OP it's not you, it's them. This must be so hurtful but just remember that. Why on Earth should you be grateful? Awful attitude. X

Horrible behaviour. Don't, whatever you do, apologise or let them rug sweep this. Ask how grateful they would be if the reverse happened and your other sisters felt they were being very gracious by allocating New Year's Day to see their parents. A whole day, what more could they want? Hopefully that will help them see your POV.

More likely though, they won't and you will be in a position of either having to just suck it up or not speak to them any more. What you decide to do will depend on your feelings but I know for me I'd be leaving them to contact me from now on and put in minimum effort.

I think your Mothers behaviour is disgraceful. She’s blatantly favouring your half siblings and deflecting your hurt as your fault.
I think your siblings are not much better if they can’t see how disproportionately you are being treated they are blind , entitled or both.

I don’t know what the answer is OP . Your Mother and Step Father are so lost in their narrative I don’t know if they could see anyone else’s point of view but their own.

Focus on the positive relationships in your life OP. This isn’t a reflection on you

I'd ask my sister's to find out why I wasn't invited and tell me the honest truth even if it breaks my heart. Your reaction to message DM and turn NYD down now means you haven't got any answers and she's probably too angry to want to tell you but I bet she's ranted to your sisters

They sound mean. Are you closer to your husbands family? Maybe concentrate on those relationships rather than try to force your way past the barriers your own family are putting up.

Horrible. Fwiw if you were my sister I would never let my parents treat you like that, nor would my own parents even consider it.

Sometimes when you walk away from people they run after you.

I would turn the tables on your mum and tell her you’re not interested in meeting us with her on her current behaviour.

It actually sounds like the mum is the worst, and possibly the instigator.

Confronting lets them know they haven't got away with it, though, and I think that's important.

Sometimes the reason is that some people are nasty pieces of work.