Family always leave me out at Christmas…

Hands up who thinking this is the poster who posted about her partners stepdaughter bring left out by partners family??

Unfortunately we don’t but I bet your daughter is loved beyond measure which unfortunately a lot of children don’t have. I have always thought far better to have one than none at all and we are so lucky to have been able to the ones we do have xxx

@CoolMoose how are you doing?

Thank you, couldn't have put this better myself. My dd is an only through no choice of mine, what a thoroughly insensitive thing to say. I'd have loved another but we don't all get the fertility we want now do we?!

My old partner experienced this.
His mother left for a younger man. He and older sister remained with his father. It affected him dreadfully.

However, she started a new family. Had 2 more children. On her death, all her money was left to husband and new family, completely ignoring her previous children and grandchildren.

There is only one word for this behaviour…bullying.

to intentionally ostracise someone in such an obvious callous way is heartbreaking. Best to distance yourself from them all. Don’t answer calls, or messages. Leave any family groups and archive their messages on WhatsApp so that you only see them on your terms. Sending the biggest hug

You can feck off with your opinion on this. What an utterly pathetic thing to say

I can relate to this as I am eldest daughter and two sets of half siblings, on both sides I have always been less important/special and its taken me a long time to realise its nothing I have done. I tried really hard with by step parents and have a good relationship with them all, I am very close to all my half siblings but the reality is the ‘second’ families are closer and more of a unit.

I just do things on my terms now, I focus on my own family and i don’t take any of it to heart.

At some point you might find it useful. to share your feelings with your mother as she is really at the heart of making differences here, you could write a letter and get your feelings out especially the subterfuge and ‘hiding’ whats going on. I imagine that your Mum is annoyed because you have effectively called her out on her behaviour, she’s just deflecting back to you to try & make you the problem.

Good Luck in whatever you decide to do and know its not you that the problem.

You're family is you you're husband and children concentrate on them and yourself i don't see my kids regularly but i don't hold it against them they've got their own family's and lives im here if they need me but Ive got a life to.

Oh no... This ain't right...
One of them sisters have asked your mother not to invite you.
Why I say this is years ago when my mother was alive.
My youngest sister would say to my mother oh don't invite them I can't stand their youngest son..
She's not got any kids even in her 20s 30s.
They oftern did get togethers without me and my family.
I never said anything. I didn't need to.
My mother just before she died told me and that she was so sorry she let youngest sister control her.
Maybe this is what's been happening to you guys.

This thread has massively resonated with me. I'm one of the older set of children from a previous marriage and recognise so much of this. And am still upset from this year's christmas family gathering. I'm almost 40 FFS but it hurts like nothing else I've experienced.

What I didn't expect was how much more obvious the dynamic would become once my younger siblings became adults. It's ten times worse than it was when we were children.

Sending you my best wishes OP. I understand.

So sorry to hear this. Though I’m not surprised to hear it. That the other is a step dad is probably exactly what it’s all about eg it’s not you but them. I’ve had similar experiences from a step parent. In fact it was to both me and my brother which helped as we weren’t on our own in dealing with it. Leaving you out it’s horrible. Even in my situation I was invited to some (not all) family occasions. Well in fact just Christmas. And the one year I was uninvited. This step parent would play mind games either me, gas light me, cause issues claiming I’d forgotten important details and would refuse to talk to me if I attended events I was invited to by my dad which she didn’t want me there for. Sometimes being openly spiteful to me and my child in front of others. The one time she even gave me food I was allergic to after checking my food allergies with me beforehand. I think it’s possibly because she sees me as a threat or a reminder of my mum who she always competed against. People can be strange and thoughtless. That you told your mum your feelings and she is fuming tells me she doesn’t get it. Is the step dad working away behind the scenes to cause issues I wonder? Although you seem on your own in dealing with it you have lots of support from the nice online forum in your corner and I hope this helps. Family dynamics can be a nightmare! Maybe get your sisters on side tho can also put pressure on your parents. Maybe make a joke of it …. Eg oh another family party I’m not invited to. Either way stick to your guns and don’t let it eat away at you. They are the ones being not inclusive. You could mix it up and carve up the proceedings by suggesting all doing Christmas together at a different location and seeing how that flues? Best of luck x

OP, avoid discussing with your sisters. It's a delicious drama for them. A thoughtful person would not have mentioned what your mum said.

Shitty thing to say seeing there's nothing she can do about it. And it is just your own petty opinion. I'm one of 6 and you haven't touched a nerve. I just can't abide mean for means sake.

I'm really sorry OP. It's very hurtful. Your sisters and mum are unbelievable. You didn't know your stepdad was ill because you're not in the loop. And he was well enough to have your sisters visit but not you. They sound like really unkind people. And when you spoke up they went on the attack which was ridiculous. You could have expected better from your mum. Big hugs. Concentrate on making lovely memories with your own family.

So true. I’ve been put in this limbo in the past and the anxiety waiting for the call is awful, it almost sets the next communication up to fail anyway.

I know, unfortunately many women do this without a second thought. Only thing keeping the mum from cutting two eldest off completely is because of what people would say more than her actually caring.

It's like she's ashamed to have had a failed marriage that produced kids.

My friend had her mom and siblings round for Christmas for ages, but now that step sisters are older and do the hosting, invites aren't forthcoming as there isn't enough space apparently.

Step sisters sent to private school whilst eldest two in State.

I know some can have happy blended families, but unfortunately there's a lot of pretence too.

I think youve been gaslighted your whole life and are just waking up to how horribly you've been treated. Your mother will probably never accept what she has done. I think your best bet is to cut yourself off from these awful people and start surrounding yourself with people who love you for who you are

This makes my blood boil.

When you have kids your loyalty should be to them first and foremost, you don’t go off essentially create another family and leave them out in the cold.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere Oh no, not at all. That isn't what I mean. OP has very obviously bent over backwards for her mother. But I do think it's right up there with the worst kind of hurt you can feel.

OP didn't reject her mum, unless I missed the post.
She's talking of not forcing herself on the family, as she feels rejected each time.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere I can only guess it isn't as painful as being rejected by your child, but it deeply hurts your sense of self worth.

I feel your hurt you don't deserve to be made to feel like this.
As hard as this is concentrate on your closest your husband your children and yourself and know that you matter.
Take some time away from them completely see what there reactions are and take it from there.
I'm not close to my mum pur bond is non-existent I finally had to break away I couldn't do it anymore .

It's not easy to "simply" accept being rejected by your own mother.

It's bad enough with blood siblings where some relationships are better than others.
When you're a stepchild, it's magnified.

I had a friend who had two younger stepsisters and a blood sister.

Her mum treated the older two like imposters to her new perfect family.

Friend and blood sister had a word with their mum, they were involved more after that but remember a garden party where the step sisters and mum exchanged a certain look when my friend walked past.
Couldn't bring myself to tell her, but it was an inner circle knowing look.

Till this day, its all pretence and playing happy families.

If that's how they've felt all this time and sisters haven't fought your corner, they won't change unfortunately.