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Original poster

To be disappointed in adult son...

58 replies

JudgeMenthol · 25/12/2024 16:45

He is single, no children. It was just me & him from him being 8. My parents helped a lot with childcare when he was young.
This year he's spending Christmas with his dad in a different part of the country - Absolutely no problem with this. I transferred some money into his bank account from my mum as she wouldn't be seeing him on Christmas Day, and it would seem this year there is no Christmas present or card from him to his grandma.
Other Christmas Days when he's come to see us there has always been a present for her.
He has not mentioned anything about visiting over Xmas and new year, so I'm just a bit disappointed and puzzled. I plan to text him when he gets home after New Year and say "I'm not sure what's happened to Grandma's Xmas present, but it hasn't arrived"

OP posts:
RobinEllacotStrike · 25/12/2024 19:37

Did you receive a present from your son op?

SporadicMincePieMuncher · 25/12/2024 18:50

It's clearly bothering you (it would bother me too). Why not drop him a text and say, "are you going to ring gran tonight? Please do, she would love to hear from you. Don't know if you sent her a gift but nothing has arrived. Hope you've had a lovely day, love mum xxx"
,
Obviously you shouldn't need to prompt a 30 year old man - but if it's on your mind, bothering your mum and you can do something to make it all a bit better, I'd do that. To be a bit direct, your mum is 90. There aren't going to be too many more Christmas days when she will or won't have her day brightened by a phone call from her grandson.

Original poster
JudgeMenthol · 25/12/2024 18:49

Daisy12Maisie · 25/12/2024 18:42

I would text him and say have you sent anything for grandma as she hasn't received anything? If not could you text her and let her know you will come and see her in the new year?

I personally would love this if one of my sons text me to say happy Christmas, thanks for the money you gave me. I'll come and see you in the new year.

Then she knows he will make an effort to see her, which she would probably prefer than a gift (I would assume but may be wrong as I don't know her.)

I will text him, mention the present, and that she would love to hear from him - which she would, but as someone mentioned above, perhaps I'm trying to coax behaviours out of someone who's adult enough to make their own choices.

OP posts:
Daisy12Maisie · 25/12/2024 18:42

I would text him and say have you sent anything for grandma as she hasn't received anything? If not could you text her and let her know you will come and see her in the new year?

I personally would love this if one of my sons text me to say happy Christmas, thanks for the money you gave me. I'll come and see you in the new year.

Then she knows he will make an effort to see her, which she would probably prefer than a gift (I would assume but may be wrong as I don't know her.)

BettyBardMacDonald · 25/12/2024 18:41

Can you text "Did you not send Gran a present this year? She seems disappointed."

AlpacaMittens · 25/12/2024 18:41

After dozens of threads on AIBU about various Christmas dramas (read: no drama at all) I cannot help but think this is one shitty holiday. People stressing about dry turkeys, passive aggressiveness about invitations and hosting, dozens of different dramas around Christmas presents and cards or lack thereof... Could it be that it's time we rethink the whole thing? Wouldn't everyone have a much nicer time if next year any time off work during the Christmas period was spent just with relaxing, instead of stressing, planning, buying, sulking?

Very aware I'm in the minority and completely OK with being ignored but I really wanted to get it off my chest!

37, no gifts bought or received, no hosting, no invitations, no special cooking, just spending some much needed time with my husband doing relaxing stuff together.

Original poster
JudgeMenthol · 25/12/2024 18:19

Which ever way I phrase the question.. he could say " hasn't it arrived?" - and it could be lost....or not
Or he could say " well I haven't bought a present because xyz"
The people saying ask directly still gives him the same reply options.

He knows the money arrived in his account, I messaged him to check his bank details hadn't changed. He hasn't called my mum to say thanks.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts on saying thank you, or letting someone know a parcel has arrived are different, and maybe as someone said up post, maybe he's just not great at being considerate.

OP posts:
Styleislost · 25/12/2024 18:10

If you want to do something about this then just ask him ‘have you sent your grandma a gift and card?’

It is passive aggressive. You believe it hasn’t arrived because he hasn’t sent it. So why pretend you think it’s anything else. Just ask him. He is 30. Not a child you are trying to coax into certain behaviours.

3luckystars · 25/12/2024 18:04

Just leave him off, he is an adult now. He obviously isn’t into gift giving. So great news, you can stop giving him gifts too.
Sorry you are disappointed, it’s no reflection on you though.

Original poster
JudgeMenthol · 25/12/2024 18:03

kiraric · 25/12/2024 17:59

She hasn't sent him a present either?

A bank transfer is pretty impersonal and it sounds like that was your instigation

He'd said he'd prefer the cash.
He lives in a flat with communal pigeon holes for the post, so thought a bank transfer was safer than sending cash through the post. My mum is 90, doesn't do online banking so gives me the cash and I do the bank transfer.

OP posts:
kiraric · 25/12/2024 17:59

She hasn't sent him a present either?

A bank transfer is pretty impersonal and it sounds like that was your instigation

Original poster
JudgeMenthol · 25/12/2024 17:43

buckeejit · 25/12/2024 17:39

I think you could text him to say if gm was disappointed but only if you know for sure if she is. At a certain age many people don't care about gifts but a call to check in could go a long way so they know they're thought of. Maybe you could suggest that he takes her out in the new year so there's something for her to look forward to. Ultimately though it's down to him to be considerate. If he hasn't learnt it by 30, perhaps he never will.

She was disappointed. I asked if she had got anything through the post, and she just shook her head.

OP posts:
Original poster
JudgeMenthol · 25/12/2024 17:41

biscuitsandbooks · 25/12/2024 17:37

You say he hasn't mentioned visiting, but have you actually asked him his plans or made an effort to try and get together with him yourself?

He is with his dad until the 29th, the his girlfriends from 29th - 2nd... I've asked him to let me know when he might be free in the new year to catch up - usually this would be lunch somewhere and my mum would come too... I've not had a reply to that text, but wouldn't really expect to until he knew when he might have a free afternoon

OP posts:
Tittat50 · 25/12/2024 17:41

MumChp · 25/12/2024 17:13

Why this passive aggressive attitude? If you have something to say say it.

Life would be far simpler and relationships better if people would just speak openly and honestly and no passive aggression. I agree, just say it.

buckeejit · 25/12/2024 17:39

I think you could text him to say if gm was disappointed but only if you know for sure if she is. At a certain age many people don't care about gifts but a call to check in could go a long way so they know they're thought of. Maybe you could suggest that he takes her out in the new year so there's something for her to look forward to. Ultimately though it's down to him to be considerate. If he hasn't learnt it by 30, perhaps he never will.

Original poster
JudgeMenthol · 25/12/2024 17:37

Tricho · 25/12/2024 17:25

My parents helped a lot with childcare when he was young.

And this is his reason to be indebted why? It was help to YOU for YOUR child.

Edited

This was not me saying he should be endebted, I was trying to put in context that Christmas was always a bit low key because I was working, and that he's always known my mum enjoys Christmas because he's spent a few Christmases with her while I was at work

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 25/12/2024 17:37

You say he hasn't mentioned visiting, but have you actually asked him his plans or made an effort to try and get together with him yourself?

Original poster
JudgeMenthol · 25/12/2024 17:34

@MotherOfRatios ... I mentioned him not being married or having kids as @buckeejit had mentioned about men not buying presents for family and leaving it all to the wife, or was I disappointed he wasn't married...

OP posts:
Original poster
JudgeMenthol · 25/12/2024 17:29

MiraculousLadybug · 25/12/2024 17:23

Well if it's not passive aggressive and you genuinely think there's any possibility at all that he might have posted a gift that got lost in the post then YABVU to "be disappointed in adult son" and write your entire opener without mentioning that possibility at all. C'mon OP. Be honest with yourself. It's a PA text and you know it is. If you're regularly PA with him maybe that's why he's avoiding you?

Show quote history

It wouldn't be a passive aggressive text.
And it wouldn't have been sent until after the post had re-started, as mentioned above - after New Year.
There's no 'avoiding'... he lives 100 miles, so there's no popping in, we usually arrange to meet half way for a meal when we're both free...

OP posts:
Tricho · 25/12/2024 17:28

MotherOfRatios · 25/12/2024 17:27

It seems you have a problem he doesn't have a partner or kids because why was that necessary to say?

I took it to mean context that he very few other people to buy for so he really shouldn't be forgetting grans bday

SleepQuest33 · 25/12/2024 17:28

What is it with this expectation of grown ups receiving Christmas presents? I agree a card or phone call would’ve nice but let’s stop this silly present habit.

MotherOfRatios · 25/12/2024 17:27

It seems you have a problem he doesn't have a partner or kids because why was that necessary to say?

Tricho · 25/12/2024 17:25

My parents helped a lot with childcare when he was young.

And this is his reason to be indebted why? It was help to YOU for YOUR child.

Cynic17 · 25/12/2024 17:25

This is about his relationship with his grandmother - I'm not sure why you need to interfere, OP.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 25/12/2024 17:25

Maybe he doesn't feel he has to buy a present / give a card to someone whom he is not seeing at Christmas.

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