Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Heartbroken-greedy aunt wwyd

315 replies

Noihin · 25/12/2024 10:58

My mum was one of 5 siblings, and when my GPs died over 20 years ago, the siblings divided their parents belongings amongst each other. GPs were not wealthy but had some nice things. My mum got their wedding silver. Mum was really happy and we used them every Christmas. It was a big deal for her. I was also close to my GPs.

As soon as my mum died 10 yrs ago (she is the only sibling that has passed and died quite young) my mums sister started to mention she wants the silver and it belongs to her. We, my mums children have not divided her belongings at all. They are still in the house with my dad, and we prefer it that way. I told her no. And that we use it, and it is part of our tradition.

I have grown really close to this aunt since my mums death. She has no children of her own and has been a huge part of our lives with babysitting, borrowing me her car etc. I have thought we have a genuine love for each other.

Now, i'm at my dads and i saw that the silver is gone. My dad said aunt came and demanded it last summer and he gave it her. He says its only materia and he doesn't think its right but he doesn't care.
I am deeply hurt. She went behind my back to do this, and has not once mentioned this to me all this time. I texted her to ask why she did this and she turned defensive and nasty. A side i've never seen if her before. I am heartbroken. I feel betrayed and manipulated. The monetary value is not much, but its the greed, betrayal and disregard, as well as seeing the shady side of her that has shaken me. I don't know what to do. Im very bad at keeping up the appearances if someone has hurt me. On the other hand my children will miss her if i stop seeing her.

OP posts:
Noihin · 25/12/2024 14:55

helpfulperson · 25/12/2024 14:41

Who decided who got what when your Grandmothers possessions were divided? Was it specified or did they take turns choosing or what? It's possible it was promised to you Aunt

And what does your Mothers will say?

Which country are you in that the children not the spouse inherit?

I don't know who decided. The children did a weekend together at GPs house and divided items with whatever method they felt comfortable. No one ever said anything about it being unfair until my mum passed and suddenly the silver wasnt hers anymore (according to aunt)

OP posts:
IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 25/12/2024 14:52

I'm interested to know which jurisdiction, where absent a will, children inherit everything to the exclusion of a spouse.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 25/12/2024 14:51

Let today go.

but your aunt may have assumed you knew she had the silver since the summer when she took it and you’ve been ok with it.

id un block her and say you were shocked, you understood your mum got the silver from grandparents because she and other siblings got other things. But your mums silver would pass to you. You left it at your dads so you could still have it used at Christmas as per how things were when your mum was alive, you would have taken it to your house if you didn’t think they would happen. That you understand her not thinking your dad and his new partner should have it but you don’t understand why she feels you can’t have it, so you would like to arrange a date to come and collect it as you can’t see any family justification for you not having the silver. That 27th works for you unless she’d like to offer an alternative date for collection.

make her say no to you.

make her justify that she should have it not you.

helpfulperson · 25/12/2024 14:41

Who decided who got what when your Grandmothers possessions were divided? Was it specified or did they take turns choosing or what? It's possible it was promised to you Aunt

And what does your Mothers will say?

Which country are you in that the children not the spouse inherit?

Noihin · 25/12/2024 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This has all the hallmarks of gaslighting

OP posts:
Noihin · 25/12/2024 14:34

AquaLeader · 25/12/2024 14:24

As soon as my mum died 10 yrs ago (she is the only sibling that has passed and died quite young) my mums sister started to mention she wants the silver and it belongs to her.

Why does she believe it belongs to her? What were the terms of your grandparents' will? Who inherited their family home when your grandparents dies.

Edited

Aunt has been saying that the silver was given to my mum to borrow it was never hers to keep. But i remember my mums joy when she was the one who was given them. And how she mentioned it every Christmas when we took them out. She also received a chest of drawers and a clock. Other children got other things. No one else has mentioned them before. Just this aunt.

OP posts:
AquaLeader · 25/12/2024 14:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Noihin · 25/12/2024 14:29

Aspargar · 25/12/2024 14:26

Do you not think that was pertinent to the OP?

No. Because im not asking for legal advice. Im asking how to continue the relationship i once thought was genuine and close and now it turns out there were lies and deceit.

OP posts:
Aspargar · 25/12/2024 14:26

Noihin · 25/12/2024 14:23

Well Im aknowledging it now. We are not in the UK, and the inheritance law here says that children inherit a parent. Not the spouse. Therefore everything my mum owned, belong to me and my siblings. Her finances were divided between us when she passed, but items we decided to leave in the family home until my dad passes away.

Do you not think that was pertinent to the OP?

AquaLeader · 25/12/2024 14:24

As soon as my mum died 10 yrs ago (she is the only sibling that has passed and died quite young) my mums sister started to mention she wants the silver and it belongs to her.

Why does she believe it belongs to her? What were the terms of your grandparents' will? Who inherited their family home when your grandparents dies.

Noihin · 25/12/2024 14:23

Aspargar · 25/12/2024 14:20

I notice the OP is refusing to acknowledge she wasn’t bequeathed the Silver. So she’s knows it wasn’t hers or her siblings. The mother’s estate passed to the father. The father gave the silver to the Aunt. It’s the aunts.

There’s nothing shady going on.

Well Im aknowledging it now. We are not in the UK, and the inheritance law here says that children inherit a parent. Not the spouse. Therefore everything my mum owned, belong to me and my siblings. Her finances were divided between us when she passed, but items we decided to leave in the family home until my dad passes away.

OP posts:
Aspargar · 25/12/2024 14:20

I notice the OP is refusing to acknowledge she wasn’t bequeathed the Silver. So she’s knows it wasn’t hers or her siblings. The mother’s estate passed to the father. The father gave the silver to the Aunt. It’s the aunts.

There’s nothing shady going on.

Noihin · 25/12/2024 14:16

the7Vabo · 25/12/2024 14:08

First of all OP I’m very sorry about your mum.

I think it’s worth seeing it from your aunt’s point of view. Whatever sentimental value the set holds for you it likely holds much more for her given it was part of her childhood.

The set which had sentimental value to her was in her BIL’s house and his is now in a new relationship. He could get married for all she knows.

She didn’t steal it from your dad she asked him and he said yes. I completely understand why you’re upset because of the sentiment but you are the next generation, as your mum died the decision was your dad’s to make.

Its just stuff, your aunt didn’t stand back and recognise this and now neither are you.

Don’t lose her over this.

Thank you. Its really about the feeling of being lied to and manipulated. She has really upped the i-love-yous and favours since the summer and im kind of feeling now it is guilty concience or a way to hit back with the 'all-that-ive-done-for-you' crap. Im not cutting her off, and im not asking the silver back, but i have told her how much this shadyness has hurt me, and i guess the way she reacts and what she does from now on will tell me the truth about our relationship. At least i know now.

OP posts:
cuteyfluff · 25/12/2024 14:14

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 25/12/2024 14:00

OP , did you actually inherit this item from your mother? If your mother didn't leave it to you in her will it almost certainly belonged to your father.

This even :)

cuteyfluff · 25/12/2024 14:13

This is important here

Aspargar · 25/12/2024 14:13

I suspect the aunts account of this story would be very different …

thescandalwascontained · 25/12/2024 14:12

Aunt has spent 10 years demanding the silver, ever since OP's mum passed away. Saying it was 'hers'.

Gross. And yes, I think she kept her hand in keeping relationships and then sneakily went around the OP to get it back, and is now playing the victim who hasn't done anything wrong because OP's dad 'gave it to her'.

Sure he did. Because he was exhausted from it all and thought he was doing the right thing to preserve family relationships for the OP's sake. Misguided, but it's done.

But I'd be done with aunt as well.

Cherrysoup · 25/12/2024 14:11

I think, unfortunately, the relationship is forever tarnished (sorry!) so regardless of what happens to the silver, it’s not going to resolve. Even if she decides to give it to you, the betrayal and sheer sneakiness of her keeping it quiet will upset you forever.

cuteyfluff · 25/12/2024 14:10

Noihin · 25/12/2024 11:15

Im so sad. Not even angry. I just opened a present from her. Hand-knitted socks! They completely lack the warmth i thought there was in between us. Thats hurts more than the silver. She can keep it.

Don't slag off hand knitting

the7Vabo · 25/12/2024 14:08

Noihin · 25/12/2024 12:07

Yes. All divided equally between siblings. My mum is the only one of them who has died (cancer). And i was closest to my GPs out of all the GC, since im one of the oldest and they looked after me a lot. So it also hurts that she thought i don't 'deserve' to inherit anything.

First of all OP I’m very sorry about your mum.

I think it’s worth seeing it from your aunt’s point of view. Whatever sentimental value the set holds for you it likely holds much more for her given it was part of her childhood.

The set which had sentimental value to her was in her BIL’s house and his is now in a new relationship. He could get married for all she knows.

She didn’t steal it from your dad she asked him and he said yes. I completely understand why you’re upset because of the sentiment but you are the next generation, as your mum died the decision was your dad’s to make.

Its just stuff, your aunt didn’t stand back and recognise this and now neither are you.

Don’t lose her over this.

Polyp0 · 25/12/2024 14:07

Are you honestly suggesting that you think she built a relationship over very many years, in order to get her hands on 200 quids worth of silver? That seems unlikely. If the relationship was merely manipulation, surely it would have ended once she got the silver? I think the person to be annoyed with here is your father. He's given away one of your mother's prize possessions, and I think really you're angry with him, and deflecting that onto the aunt.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 25/12/2024 14:04

Aspargar · 25/12/2024 14:01

The aunt has not stolen it. The property owner was the father- the father gave it to the aunt. The property is now the aunts. If the OP did as you suggested, she would be the one stealing.

My god the advice on here is shocking

Isn' it just. The prize for the worst goes to the poster who suggests OP should steal it back.

FeegleFrenzy · 25/12/2024 14:04

I’ll bet that when the aunt asked the OPs dad about having it she didn’t say “I’ve already asked Noihin and she said no as she felt it was hers and has a sentimental value attached to it and still uses it”.

Aspargar · 25/12/2024 14:01

kittybiscuits · 25/12/2024 13:59

I would act normal, arrange a visit, take back the silver, leave and block her. If you want to cover your back, call the police non emergency number first and tell them you're going to retrieve what she's stolen.

I know it's not about the silver. It's terrible behaviour from your aunt. I'm so sorry about your Mum. This is the last thing you need x

The aunt has not stolen it. The property owner was the father- the father gave it to the aunt. The property is now the aunts. If the OP did as you suggested, she would be the one stealing.

My god the advice on here is shocking

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 25/12/2024 14:01

kittybiscuits · 25/12/2024 13:59

I would act normal, arrange a visit, take back the silver, leave and block her. If you want to cover your back, call the police non emergency number first and tell them you're going to retrieve what she's stolen.

I know it's not about the silver. It's terrible behaviour from your aunt. I'm so sorry about your Mum. This is the last thing you need x

take back the silver,

That would actually be theft; unlike what OP's aunt has done.