Heartbroken-greedy aunt wwyd

Id urge you to move past this OP. No doubt your aunt has a completely different perspective on this.

You continue with your all or nothing approach to relationships or you could recognise that people, all of us are flawed, and move on.

I regret some of the relationships I have lost by not letting things go.

Wwyd? Acknowledge the hurt and tell her it will take a while to get over and really you think she should give it back or part of it back. Take your time to get over it and accept the relationship had changeg but keep it going for your children. That's probably what I'd do.

Hurtful!

From her point of view, hers. Her family. Her heritage. You're a child and not considered.

From yours her actions negate the years of memory and love imbued in the object. It compounds the loss of your mum.

I'm projecting as I have a childless close aunt. The relationship is often transactional from her perspective. I give her family and heritage and future proofing. God forgive me for saying this as I know it's hurtful to people who haven't had kids but she doesn't have the perspective of someone who has children and often quite self focussed in her actions as a result.

No. Cutlery was given to OP’s mum. Because she has passed away it’s now part of OP’s dad’s estate. Auntie effectively coerced him into giving it up. That’s no better than stealing. Disgusting to suggest that just being a close family member has some monetary value.

Someone slagging off hand knitted socks isn't someone who isn't materialistic.

I know I was shocked at the slagging off of the socks!

Just to correct a misconception here - if she made those hand-knitted socks for you herself that shows a great deal of affection.
The price of the yarn alone would buy you several pairs of decent high street socks and the time required to do the thousands of tiny stitches required is immense (and then you have to do it again exactly the same for the second sock). The exact total stitch-count varies depending on pattern but it can be as many as ~40k stitches overall, which can take time equal to half a week of full-time work (or considerably more if she has only recently learned!).

There is a completely different way to look at this. The set was an important part of family tradition for both your aunt and your mother. It's not part of family tradition for your dad. Your aunt asked your dad for the set because it meant a lot to her. It didn't mean a lot to him, so he gave it to her.

Hand knitted socks are a present that has a lot of love and time invested in it. It makes me sad when people invest a lot of effort in handmade gifts as I think they are often not appreciated as the recipient has no idea what has gone into the making of them.

Your aunt is one of the few people who can link you to your mother as a child. You have a choice now. You can ramp up the resentment and self-righteousness, ruin your relationship with one of the few people who can connect you to your mother. Or you could recognise that she was acting out of her love for her own mother - and sister - and move on.

And i don't want to invest in relationships that require acting out some fake closeness and ignore hurtful things.

yet you haven't had a proper conversation with her?

you seem to have a very totalitarian approach to relationships, where everything has to be perfect and things have to be done your way, with no reprieve or ability for the other poor unsuspecting individual the chance for dialogue.

all over some silver that wasn't your's.

But to give her the benefit of the doubt - was she saying it was her parent’s set?

If your aunt has been good to you and your kids, I’d urge you not to throw that away. Kids really benefit from those kind of relationships.

You don’t have to be fake, you can tell her you were upset about it and try to move past it.

If you look at it from her POV she might have thought you were being insensitive to her sentiment.

I've seen relationships on both sides of my family completely destroyed by disputes over inheritance. It's incredibly sad. Yes your aunt did a horrible thing but no one is perfect. I would go cool with her for a while but maybe in time see if you can rebuild your relationship. Any sentimental value this set has for you will be multiplied for her. It's an object of little worth I would try to let it go.

What do the rest of your mums siblings have e to say about your aunt claiming the set as her own?

@Noihin

You know your Dad, you have that closeness.
Do you think as a non-genetic relative, your Aunt has a different perception of your Dad and new wife?
Again, I remember my parents by a cutlery set we had at Xmas. I’d be happy if my sister had it - but if she was no longer there, I can understand wanting it back as it has emotional meaning to me.

It’s not monetary value, it’s the connection to my parents and the memories.

It was the grandparents ie the aunt’s parents wedding silver.
The title is misleading because I very much doubt she took it out of greed unless she’s sold it.
She wanted it for sentiment and maybe being an older lady on her own she needs that emotionally.
It wasn’t the OP’s in any case.

My mother has things given to her for her wedding. I’ve grown up with them by entire life. And I’ve heard the stories about them. So I get the sentiment.
I also get the OP’s sentiment but struggle to understand how she doesn’t see the aunt’s.

Also it’s just stuff. It doesn’t bring anyone back. People are more important.

Legally unless your mum left the cutlery to a named person in her will, it belongs to your dad and he can gift it to someone else. It’s very upsetting to you that neither aunt nor dad have considered its sentimental value to you. But feelings run high after a death. Your aunt has been very good yo you in other ways.

I’m just thinking that if my parents had given something important to my sister, and my sister was no longer there - I would be worried about it being looked after by non-direct family/new wife. Although I’d explain to my nieces that I’d look after it for them to have in the future. Particularly if they were abroad.

@Noihin

Despite the semantics, she has been a sneaky bitch.

NC now. Be done with her.

@Noihin

As it’s her BIL and new wife, do you think she could be worried that they might sell it, or not look after it properly?

I’d be 100% appalled if she now sells it, but I don’t get the impression that is her motive.

Greed would imply a monetary gain for her, but if it’s more a sentimental gain - that’s different.

I think you need to have a chat with her, and find out her intentions.

It may be that she thinks your Dad/new wife won’t take care of it.

@ThatKhakiMoose I disagree. They gave it to them as a wedding gift hence it follows they want it to be passed down that line. I think incredibly underhand.

I completely understand the feeling of betrayal even if many are saying its only stuff. They aren't understanding how her underhanded and sly behaviour has effected you. The very fact she went to your dad's house and mithered him to give it to her is upsetting in itself but doing it behind your back after you expressly said no is beyond words really. It's not payment for babysitting nor anything else, you did not know there was a high price to pay for this, you thought it was done out of love. All those saying it's not worth losing your aunt over, well she obviously didn't feel the same. I'm sorry for the loss of your mum. I know that keeping the status quo at your dad's was a comfort and now she has taken that. Make sure your dad knows not to let her have anything else she takes a fancy to.

Her dad sounds a bit weak. In his shoes I would have told the aunt to do one. A lot of men of a certain age are like the dad - they’d cut off their right arms if they knew it would guarantee quiet lives.